13:44 – saw the psychiatrist

So i saw the psych this morning and told him how utterly suicidal I’ve been feeling hence why I’ve been constantly trying to harm myself. Im now not allowed off the ward or I’ll be detained. I wish i hadn’t told him but equally i needed to tell the truth. The voices were really getting to me i kept talking to them then remembering where i was (in a meeting). I told him that since the drugs and drink has been out my system i feel my mood sliding dangerously low. So he had a look at my medication and is taking me off the olanzapine and putting me onto haloperidol. He’s also going to drop my lamotrigine as its making my psoriasis worse. Im pretty gutted that my mum is coming all this way tomorrow just to sit in a hospital with me but on a positive note we had a nicer chat on the phone last night. I told the psych he was putting thoughts in my head and playing about with my brain, which he is. Ultimately he is the one in control of everything,  he can control peoples minds trust me.

11:21 – your baby is dead

My head is pickled. I have no money at all and i mean none. I constantly hear baby cries. I asked to speak to a nurse yesterday because i was in such a mess. I told her i need to be with my baby again. She very bluntly said “your baby is dead”. That just upset me even more. She said to me that even if i die i won’t be with him again. How the fuck does she know? I phoned my mum last night. Mum has decided tough love is now the answer. “I’ve tried for a year to be supportive, I’ve tried to help you, the nurse is right the baby is dead and its time to move on” she said. The baby? That is her one and only grandchild she has. She then said that her and my dad fully know im going to kill myself and whilst they love me they know they can’t stop me. I cried down the phone for the whole conversation. My baby is dead. I’ve just to deal with it. I hate this place and all i can think about is going to find somewhere i can hang myself. I’ve already tried to strangle myself and taken an overdose since coming in here on Monday i need out i need a walk i need to go and throw myself off something high or under a car. I need to be with my baby and that is the end of it. They can all go fuck themselves none of them will ever understand.

Why

Why was ur own family not good enough for u? Why did u have to take mine? We were about to get married our flat was for sale whilst we viewed houses to find our perfect little family home. Im not stupid i know it was just as much his fault as yours. Obviously you were both unhappy in ur relationships so sought comfort in each other. Its been almost 3 years since we broke up and almost 5 since our angel went to heaven. You have destroyed me but maybe that’s because i let you. Look at me now, you have your perfect little family unit and im in a psychiatric hospital. I’ve been here more times than i care to remember. I slice my skin open and try to end my life on a regular basis. Why? Because it helps with my feelings of emptiness and despair. I don’t get how it all works either. You’ll never read this but for what its worth i fucking loved u with all my heart and that’s why so much time nay have passed but i can’t move on. I don’t love u anymore but i do love our angel, yes ours, not mine. I would do anything for one more minute with him, there is so much i wish i had said and done that day. But that day has passed and you have gone, my wedding dress still remains in my mums house, my engagement ring in the drawer. I often wonder how you will propose to her, maybe you already have? You see, you have a life and you left mine so completely shattered that 3 years later im still picking up the pieces. You won’t understand that because you went straight from me to her. I often wonder how you would have reacted if things were the other way around? Some things i guess I’ll never know the answer to but i wish i knew why you had to destroy our little family, break hearts and promises, humiliate me, leave me completely fucked up. I just have one question, one word…why?

00:16 back in the bin

Im back in the looney bin. I knew this was going to happen. I didn’t go to my appt with cpn woman today mainly cos i couldnt be fucked listening to all her shit. Anyway i phoned her and told her how suicidal i was feeling and she simply said to follow my crisis plan. I hate that fucking crisis plan its her answer to everything. I told her i wanted to die and would likely od again tonight so she said to phone my gp. Phoned gp who was lovely and told me to go see her, we chatted and i opened up to her about the drugs etc. She was so nice about it and didn’t judge me. We decided the bin was the safest place for me at the mo. So an ambulance brought me here and the on call Dr came to assess me, he was a total wanker with hardly any ability to use the English language. He took no notice of anything i said yet seemed to fill 3 pages while i sat in silence. I wish i had just bought more drugs and taken another od but im here now so will see what psych says tomoro if i see him. I hope i do, much as i dislike the man i hope to be able to express myself better to him. Im sitting in the day room we have 30 more mins, bed for 1am latest. Im wide awake despite 4mg lorazepam. I have a feeling its going to be a long night.

Nearly dead and back in the bin

Battery on phone almost empty made serious suicide attempt wed night blood pressure was 75 over 40 got load of meds pumped into me and they were about to ventilate me then my bp lifted a bit am now in looney bin now feel like such a failure

Hospital Diary 10 of 10 (From Sunday 18th Sept)

I did manage to see my mum and best friend on Saturday 17th  after another consultant psychiatrist took me off the constant obs. But I forgot to write it up on my notebook other than this little post. It was a nice afternoon, we went for lunch and a look round the shops and I got to spend about 3 hours with them which was really really good for my state of mind: https://mycrazybipolarlife.wordpress.com/2011/09/17/1351-quick-but-happy-post/

6AM SUNDAY MORNING

My mood is very very low. I just used all of my bravery to ask the female nurse ‘M’ (the other one I hate and who mutually hates me back) anyways – I just went to ask her if I could have a chat because my head was feeling very low. She was sitting in the office reading a magazine and playing about on the computer and straight out said ‘no, I’m far too busy’ 

Now I’m a big emotional wreck. They want me to be honest and find a member of staff if my head is going crazy so that I don’t do anything ‘stupid’. I’ve just come back to bed and am crying my eyes out because she just dismissed my emotions for no reason at all. 

I felt so positive yesterday whilst I was out on pass for a few hours and then late last night a new girl was brought in. She was nice and we chatted and got along well. I woke up at the back of 4am to find her gone. Yep the £15 snoring spray hadn’t worked again and she had gone to an empty bed next door. That’s three girls who have left my room in little over a week and I’m trying so fucking hard but you can’t control what you do in your sleep can you? Especially when you are on so many meds as I am. This is why I want a side room so badly, even though it’s a bit lonely, it makes you feel like shit when every new person moves straight out my room and it would make much more sense for them to have an available four bed room and just put me in a single room. 

I’m sinking this morning. I’ve decided to go to church for some peace and despite my mixed up views on religion, I’ve been to this church before and found it very therapeutic. The nurses are all fussing over a couple of patients. I know they don’t like me and I’m a burden to them at the moment with my on/off constant obs. It’s cool though, I don’t like them much either. I’d like to request a discharge at tomorrow’s review but I don’t think it’s very likely to happen. Plus it would mean no EMDR treatment which I really believe sounds like something that could help me with all the trauma I carry around on my shoulders. EMDR sounds promising but you have to be able to be stable and grounded to focus on it completely. 

For now though I’m going back to cuddling into my little soft toy until my tears have ran out and it’s time to go to church.

 

(Shortly after this, during my Monday review I was allowed home so this is the last hospital diary, for now anyways!)

Hospital Diary 9 of 10 (From Friday 16th 8.30pm)

Earlier I detached two bra straps and tied them together and then around my neck. Of course I am never lucky enough to get through those last few minutes. My neck hurts a bit. It has a tiny bruise on it right in the middle. The staff were pissed off with me again, I was struggling to get away from them, for them not to be able to cut it and one of them commented that if she didn’t get it off then she’d have no job come Monday morning. That pretty much sums it up really – money is what matters to these nurses – not patients.

Right now I have a nurse sitting at the other side of the room and I keep arguing with her because there are two giant slugs slimey things making their way along the strip light on the ceiling. They will work their way down to the floor and once they get there then they will be in this room and I don’t know if my little one comes to sleep next to me at night so if he does then these disgusting sticky slimey creatures will get him too. What if they try to eat him or something? There is NO WAY that I will let that happen. 

They will NEVER take him away from me and they will never get to him without getting past me first. These fucking nurses think they know it all. They think they know stuff that they don’t. Oh the staff are changing over now, I think the first one got sick of me so now I have someone else to watch me for the next few hours.

Fuck them all.

Bunch of cunts.

I hate them.

They hate me.

End of discussion. 

Hospital Diary 8 of 10 (From Friday 16th September)

It’s around 4pm and I’m bored out of my mind. I really can’t handle this at all. I saw Mr Psychiatrist today and decided that honesty was the best policy. Apparently that was wrong of me because my 24/7 obs are going to continue all weekend until my review on Monday. I want out of here so badly but there is no point in trying to do a runner when you have someone shadowing you every minute of the day. I feel as though I’m in a goldfish bowl or the big brother house or something. 

I’ve had a very emotional day, crying pretty much non stop. A new woman was in the bed next to me when I woke up this morning, clearly in a psychotic episode and I totally broke down because she was moved as soon as she woke up into a private room (which I’ve been asking for all fucking week).

Mr Psychiatrist has now increased my Quetiapine/Seroquel to 750mg a day. That’s the max dose he is going to prescribe so I really hope it is going to make a change or I’m going to have to start from scratch on a new med. Although personally I would prefer to leave it at 750mg and try upping my Lamotrigine/Lamictal dose next. Tried asking psych for something to help me sleep at night but he says if I’m taking 300mg Quetiapine in the morning and 450mg at bed time I should sleep better and he wants me to try that first. I do also get a small amount of diazepam throughout the day but it really only helps with the anxiety of being so far from home – the agoraphobia stuff. 

I’m feeling pretty gutted at the moment ‘cos my Mum and my best friend were due to be coming up to visit me tomorrow and now I’ve been told that I’m going to be on obs all weekend so I won’t be allowed off the grounds. It’s too far to travel to come and see me and only be allowed metres from the building. 

Something is going to happen tonight. I can feel the anger rising and the aggressiveness kicking in, I fucking hate this place. As they say on “I’m a celebrity” – GET ME OUT OF HERE!!

Hospital Diary 7 of 10 (From 8.30am Wed morning)

Wow, three posts in one night and a suicide attempt as well. How the fuck am I still awake? Actually I think I might have got about an hour and a half of sleep as I don’t remember the past couple of hours. So here I am, awake after very little sleep and immediately remembering what happened last night. I’m going to remain on constant obs and in the hour I’ve been up I’m already sick of having a shadow. I understand why they have to do it but it would be nice if they actually sat and spoke to me rather than just following me then standing a couple of metre’s away from where I’m sitting/standing/whatever.

Phoned Mum before she left for work and gave her a brief outline of what happened and one of the nurses had a quick chat to her. They’ve taken all of my stuff away apart from a book, my notebook, a pen and my cigarettes. As soon as I said bye to Mum on the phone I suddenly realised that not only had I probably screwed her head up before she even got to work but I also remembered it’s her and my Dad’s anniversary – shit 😦

I don’t know how today is going to pan out. With any luck I won’t need to stay on such close obs all day. But if I had a way or a mean in which to end it all, I would do it without a second’s hesitation. I hate hate hate myself for what I am putting my family through – especially my Mum. All she wants for me is to have some hope. How can that be such a big thing for her to ask for? Just a four lettered word… I wish I could be the daughter she so rightly deserves.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul. I look in the mirror, I look closely into my own eyes and I just see pain. It’s like the spark has gone and all that looks back at me is hurt. Old hurt. New hurt. All of it.

I can’t remember the last time I looked in the mirror and smiled back at myself. And I guess that’s all a bit sad really. Everything in my life revolves around you my little man, I’m so desperate to be with you again. The bad stuff doesn’t revolve around you though, just all of my love. The bad stuff is just your Mummy feeling sad that we’re so far apart. I just miss you so very much and I’m not sure if there is anything that can bring me inner peace until we are reunited again.

I love you so much little man xxx

Hospital Diary 6 of 10 (From 3am-ish Wednesday morning)

Yes I’m still awake and still on obs. The male CPN does nothing but sit on his fucking laptop all night. He is a total knob and I’ve never liked him. I think the feeling is mutual. I’ve just been outside for a smoke seeing as I can’t sleep – of course I had to stand right next to their window so they could watch me. It really is feeling like some kind of prison. 

So I ask knob-head if I can just go and watch some TV as I just can’t sleep. His answer, of course, was no. I mean after all, where would he plug his precious fucking lap top in then?? I listed all the medication I had received so far tonight, trying to point out that if I’d taken all of that and was still wide awake then there was pretty much zero chance of me getting to sleep now. It’s like 3.30am or something now. 

You know something – this is a mental health hospital – and I don’t recall one of them ever asking how I’m feeling – especially since trying to strangle myself. Where is any compassion on their part?

‘Oh one of the patients tried to end her life, let’s just watch her while we drink tea – what would be the point in coming into my room and talking through why I’d felt so fucking low in the first place??’

No empathy, sympathy, no one to talk to and feeling more alone than I was feeling at home before I ended up back in this shit hole. It’s as though they look at me with the view of all this being my own actions so what should I expect from them other than to be watched and ignored both at the same time. I’m sick of looking at his ugly bastard face. I wonder if he is on facebook so I can send him a message telling him how much of a cunt he is. 

Argh! All of this is getting me angry. Here I am put back in my room like a badly behaved child. I do actually want to say to him that you ARE ACTUALLY A PSYCHIATRIC NURSE OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT??? You aren’t here to play games on your laptop, you are here to look after people who are mentally unwell. Only a matter of hours ago I attempted suicide and all I get from him is rude manners and being told to go to bed. Well I’ve been in my fucking bed for at least five hours now and am clearly not tired. Oh wait a minute – could that be because I’m so fucking confused about why I tried to kill myself? Is it at all possible that having someone come and sit with me for a little while might have calmed me down a bit? But yeah, you are the nurses, you know best…..

They are still watching me and probably wondering what I’m writing about. The nosey cunts will probably come and read it whenever I do finally fall asleep. I hope they do so then they will know what I think about them all. 

I’m lying here wondering what can he actually do if I just get up and go and sit in the TV room? Detain me?! I know it’s annoying him watching me write and not knowing what I’m writing about. Well C, if you read this I’m trying to give you some tips on how to do your job properly. There are no docs around so I’m gonna be left with the 100mph racing thoughts until they finally quieten down so I can rest.