Hospital Diary 6 of 10 (From 3am-ish Wednesday morning)

26 Sep

Yes I’m still awake and still on obs. The male CPN does nothing but sit on his fucking laptop all night. He is a total knob and I’ve never liked him. I think the feeling is mutual. I’ve just been outside for a smoke seeing as I can’t sleep – of course I had to stand right next to their window so they could watch me. It really is feeling like some kind of prison. 

So I ask knob-head if I can just go and watch some TV as I just can’t sleep. His answer, of course, was no. I mean after all, where would he plug his precious fucking lap top in then?? I listed all the medication I had received so far tonight, trying to point out that if I’d taken all of that and was still wide awake then there was pretty much zero chance of me getting to sleep now. It’s like 3.30am or something now. 

You know something – this is a mental health hospital – and I don’t recall one of them ever asking how I’m feeling – especially since trying to strangle myself. Where is any compassion on their part?

‘Oh one of the patients tried to end her life, let’s just watch her while we drink tea – what would be the point in coming into my room and talking through why I’d felt so fucking low in the first place??’

No empathy, sympathy, no one to talk to and feeling more alone than I was feeling at home before I ended up back in this shit hole. It’s as though they look at me with the view of all this being my own actions so what should I expect from them other than to be watched and ignored both at the same time. I’m sick of looking at his ugly bastard face. I wonder if he is on facebook so I can send him a message telling him how much of a cunt he is. 

Argh! All of this is getting me angry. Here I am put back in my room like a badly behaved child. I do actually want to say to him that you ARE ACTUALLY A PSYCHIATRIC NURSE OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT??? You aren’t here to play games on your laptop, you are here to look after people who are mentally unwell. Only a matter of hours ago I attempted suicide and all I get from him is rude manners and being told to go to bed. Well I’ve been in my fucking bed for at least five hours now and am clearly not tired. Oh wait a minute – could that be because I’m so fucking confused about why I tried to kill myself? Is it at all possible that having someone come and sit with me for a little while might have calmed me down a bit? But yeah, you are the nurses, you know best…..

They are still watching me and probably wondering what I’m writing about. The nosey cunts will probably come and read it whenever I do finally fall asleep. I hope they do so then they will know what I think about them all. 

I’m lying here wondering what can he actually do if I just get up and go and sit in the TV room? Detain me?! I know it’s annoying him watching me write and not knowing what I’m writing about. Well C, if you read this I’m trying to give you some tips on how to do your job properly. There are no docs around so I’m gonna be left with the 100mph racing thoughts until they finally quieten down so I can rest.

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One Response to “Hospital Diary 6 of 10 (From 3am-ish Wednesday morning)”

  1. Jasmine December 9, 2012 at 23:08 #

    My best friend spent two weeks on a psychiatric ward back in January. I was really surprised to hear that there was very little compassion, nobody really sat and spoke to her or seemed too bothered about how she was feeling. Her view of it is that it’s deliberately designed not to be too comfortable so that people want to get better and be discharged insted of wanting to stay. My take on that is, you can’t *choose* to get better just because you don’t like being in hospital. A little caring and understanding would probably go a long way. I think they have it very wrong right now.

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