Tag Archives: psychiatrist

19:21 – Sinking lower and lower

4 Nov

My mood is continuing to get lower and lower and much as I utterly detest my local psych hospital, I find myself feeling really frightened that the bin is the direction that I’m heading in. Life is becoming more than just a struggle, it’s currently at the point of absolutely everything feeling impossible.

The winter seems to be starting early – by 5pm it is already dark outside – and like every year when it gets like this I find myself only taking the dogs out once when it’s daylight (their lunch time walk) and the other times I walk them (breakfast, dinner and bedtime) are all in the dark. I feel more comfortable to be outside when people can’t see me properly, when I can hide myself under my thick jacket and big furry hood.

Why? Because the dark feels safer for some reason. My thoughts are starting to become really paranoid again. I don’t like people being able to see me or look at me properly, it sets my head off thinking all sorts of crazy stuff.

The depression is definitely in full swing and I feel as though I’m sinking lower and lower with every day that passes. And it shouldn’t be this way – I have good/happy things going on in my life at the moment (or at least that’s how they should feel). But the smiles I put on are so fake I’m sure everyone can tell. I just can’t seem to feel happy. I got my essay results from the essay I had to do a few weeks ago and passed with 65%. That’s a good grade B. Was I happy? No not really. Just relieved I didn’t need to resit. My parents took me for a lovely birthday lunch last Monday… again fake smiles throughout which I felt awful about.

The only person I’ve been somewhat honest with was the psychiatrist and support worker on Wednesday. That’s been the only time I’ve said the words out loud – I’m self harming again and I keep getting these waves of feeling like I just do not want to be here any more that come over me out of the blue and are so strong they drag me under them.

I have a couple of things happening this coming week that I should be happy about but instead I am miserable. I’m hell bent on hurting myself yet doing my hardest to just cling on a little bit longer… maybe when I get my first appointment with the psychologist through it will help me feel more positive. Who knows. The self destruct button feels like it’s getting closer and closer to being pressed.

I guess I’ve just got to keep going… but in what direction I just do not know.


23:57 – I’m back… And not in a good place

6 Sep

After putting my blog on private for a couple of weeks whilst I got my head back together I am now back with bloggy back on public viewing.

The last couple of weeks have been hard. Very hard. I still cannot quite process the information in my head that I was sexually assaulted. However I have had good support from the woman at the rape crisis centre and from my family. I’d be lying if I said I’d had the same from the CMHT.

Today was another CPA meeting however the only people at it were me, my Mum, my CPN and my psychiatrist. My social worker had “a priority to deal with”, don’t know what happened with an a&e member of staff being there, the drugs addiction nurse is on annual leave and woman from rape crisis was out of the area today unfortunately.

I told them the truth. I have been self harming again. I have been experiencing suicidal thoughts. On my way to the CPA meeting I bought blades. I’m pleased to say I haven’t as yet used them.

I have decided not to proceed with my police statement due to lack of evidence and me not being in a good place in my head. I can’t cope with it at the moment. I am struggling, and I mean seriously struggling just to get through each day. I’m extremely emotional and randomly keep bursting into tears. Nothing makes sense at all.

I had my uni course induction day on Tuesday. It went well. The course officially starts on Monday 10th. I am just doing it part time and have got all my online logins set up so I’m ready to roll. I do want to do the course but part of me can’t help but feel my CPN pushed me into it and now I keep feeling like I’m doing it for everyone else not myself. I was so happy when I got accepted onto the course but what with everything that’s happened my excitement and enthusiasm for it has gone rapidly downhill. But I will do it, I need something to do to that engages my brain for a few hours each day or I’m going to end up going mad – as in crazy bad – again.

I was pretty gutted my social worker didn’t come to the CPA. When I sat and thought about it I realised I have only seen her once, for ten minutes, in five months. Back when we had the last CPA meeting it was agreed I’d see her on a monthly basis for a catch up on how things were going on. I no longer feel like she cares, she’s not made any contact me even though she knows about the assault. That never used to be the way things were, she was a huge part of my care team and now it’s all just fizzled out to nothing. And it makes me sad because she still remains the person I am closest to out of everyone. My CPN is leaving soon although a permanent CPN has finally been recruited so I will be working with her instead. But I was so close to my social worker and now she’s just gone. I have tried so many ways of contacting her but I get no reply. I’m beginning to feel like she is deliberately ignoring me. Perhaps I shall go and stand by her car tomorrow at CMHT closing time and stand there until she appears and ask her straight out what’s going on. I’m confused and upset by it all. All I want is what was agreed, monthly contact, and the person I trust and have always been able to confide in. I don’t have that with current CPN. I don’t really have it with anyone.

I am beginning to open up more to rape crisis woman, she has been a good source of support lately. I see her on Monday but then she is off on holidays for two weeks. My parents are also going away on holiday for a week on the 17th. I wasn’t due to see psychiatrist again until November but after today he has arranged for me to see him again on the 19th and I see CPN again on the 19th as well. Therefore, from the 10th-19th I have no support at all. I am still keeping my fingers crossed that my social worker might actually get in touch and see me at some point between those dates.

I worry I am sliding back downhill again. And yet I am trying to force myself to keep on going. I’ve got the uni course, I’m meeting a woman next week about voluntary work but it’s going to take a few months to get set up as I need to have my PVG Disclosure Check done and it can take up to about 12 weeks. But I need to be in the right head space to see her and convince her I’d be a good volunteer, how can I support others if my own head is fucked? I can’t so somehow I need to sort it out. If I don’t sort it out and let things continue as they are I am going to end up back in hospital, plain and simple. I have stocked up a cupboard full of medication and am getting closer and closer to just swallowing the lot. I have bought more blades, I want to hurt myself badly again.

Yet I don’t want to go back to square one. My Mum phoned me tonight as she had been worried sick all afternoon when back at work that I would do something to harm myself. She said she was proud of me for not doing anything. She is trying her hardest to get me to look at the positives in my life but the whole phone call (90 mins of it) all I did was cry off and on.

I may be back but I am not in a good place. The weekend is going to be very long. The nine days of no appointments is going to be even longer. I don’t even know right now if I will still be here (in my flat) by then or if I will be lying in a hospital bed or mortuary by then.

I’ve been on the Mirtazapine for a couple of weeks now. I don’t even notice that I’m taking anything, so no side effects and no increase in appetite. I don’t know if it’s because my head is so screwed up from the assault that I just feel nothing. Blank, empty, alone, lost, and not wanting to be here for much longer.

This time I really don’t know if I can fight it out. All CPN says is to go to a&e if I am going to/have hurt myself. Maybe this time I just want to hurt myself and not get any help and just go wherever it is that we end up when we don’t wake up again.

15:29 – When you just want to run and hide til everything is better

13 Jun

It’s been a while since I last wrote anything. In a way I feel as though I’ve lost the ability to express myself – my head feels all over the place at the moment as there is so much going on.

Everything was going good and I was feeling quite positive about enrolling on the college short course that I want to do. I had an appointment with the psychiatrist a week ago (last Wednesday). He was really happy to hear me talking positively about the future and for the first time in a very long time I was able to tell him that whilst I am still hearing voices they are not distressing me at the moment. I told him it’s like I’ve become so used to them that it’s easier now to just let them be there and not pay attention to them. They aren’t saying anything bad about me or to me, so that is good.

I’m now on 500mg a day of Quetiapine and feel like it’s a good dose for me at the moment. I can go up to 750mg but I’d rather stick at this dose so that I know I have room to increase should I need it. My psychiatrist is retiring at the beginning of September so I have my last appointment with him in August, but we have another CPA meeting on July 5th which he will be at. He told me they haven’t recruited a new consultant psychiatrist yet so right now no one knows if it will be male or female or anything like that.

It was a busy day last Wednesday. As well as seeing the psych I also had an appointment with my CPN who I’m starting to like. It’s a shame that she is only on a temporary contract but I’m getting used to people coming and going. It would be good to have proper consistency but where I live is a rural area and not many people (professionals) seem to stick around for the long term. The appointment with her was good, she was really happy to hear I have decided which course I’m going to study and that I had checked I can do the course and still receive my benefit money. It’s only a 15 week short course from August until December but in January I can study a couple of modules through home learning until the next course starts in the August again.

I also had my appointment to have my x-rays done on my right knee. I phoned the GP surgery a little while ago to see if the results were back and the receptionist said they were back and marked as ‘no action required’. Argh, frustrating! How can it be so sore, locking and clicking and giving way on me yet nothing showed up on the xray? My GP did say that she thinks I may have Psoriatic Arthritis which generally doesn’t show on xrays in the early stages but sent me for the xrays anyway to rule out other forms of arthritis.

“In the very early stages of the disease, X-rays usually do not reveal signs of arthritis and may not help in making a diagnosis. In the later stages, X-rays may show changes that are characteristic of psoriatic arthritis but not found with other types of arthritis, such as the “pencil in cup” phenomenon where the end of the bone gets whittled down to a sharp point. Changes in the peripheral joints and in the spine support the diagnosis of psoriatic arthritis. However, most of the changes occur in the later stages of the disease.”

She put me onto Tramadol and paracetamol for the pain. But they were making me feel more sick so I stopped taking them. Even if I take Omeprazole with them I still feel sick. Now unfortunately my GP is on holiday this week and next week so I will either have to wait a couple of weeks to discuss it further or go and see one of the other two doctors, neither of whom I like or find helpful.

Apart from my sore knee joint I need to go and see a GP anyway, I have been really unwell since Saturday and haven’t eaten for five days now. I have a complete loss of appetite and am just taking little sips of sugary drinks to keep me from feeling faint. But I am constantly nauseous and when I try to eat anything I just throw up so for the past few days I just haven’t bothered to try and eat.

I think the sickness and loss of appetite could all be anxiety related. I am experiencing a lot of panic attacks at the moment and am barely sleeping. I keep having really intense dreams/nightmares and waking up every couple of hours in a mess. My body is so used to taking Diazepam on a daily basis that it doesn’t even help the anxiety anymore (unless I take about 4 times my prescribed amount). Where has the anxiety come from? Well I got some really bad news on Friday. A close family member has just been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She is going into hospital tomorrow for a complete hysterectomy and lymph node removal. Everyone in my small family is rallying around to be there for her and all I can do is send texts and make phone calls because of the fucking agoraphobia. I feel so useless and I want to be there for her as the next few months are going to be so tough. After the operation tomorrow she will soon be starting on chemotherapy. She is a mess, her husband is a mess, my parents are a mess, my Gran is a mess, her children are a mess… no one can quite take it all in. They can all be there for her in person, they can visit her in hospital and at home. I can’t. I am pathetic that this phobia has taken over so much of my life in the past six or so years. I feel like I’ve turned myself into a bit of an outcast from the rest of my family, I only see them when they come here to visit me. I saw my CPN earlier today and she is so optimistic that I will overcome the agoraphobia but I’m so terrified of it that I can’t ever see me being free of it.

So that’s everything that’s been happening. Life is feeling pretty shit at the moment and I’m struggling massively to deal with the high levels of anxiety I’m experiencing. A week ago I was feeling so positive and now all I want to do is escape from it all. How selfish of me to say that when someone so close to me is so ill. Deep down I think I’m terrified that something bad could happen and all the family will need to pull together and I won’t be able to. If I feel this stressed and anxious, God only knows how she must be feeling as she is the one who has a big operation to go through tomorrow and months of chemo afterwards.

I just want everything to be OK again. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take away her horrible diagnosis. I wish I could magic away my anxiety. I wish I would stop being sick every day. I wish I could sleep properly. I wish the pain in my knees would stop.

Hopefully in the next couple of days we will know how far the cancer has spread and I’m praying they have caught it early. Everything is so stressful right now that I just want to run away and hide until someone can say to me that everything is going to be OK.

15:05 – Currently undiagnosable

3 May

I went to see the psychiatrist yesterday and we had a good long conversation about everything that’s been going on for me lately. Mostly this consisted of me telling him about Lucifer, the debate between the other voice claiming to be Iblis, wanting me to convert more towards Islam and less towards Christianity. They are both pretty manic in my head right now, always arguing about something and adding to my paranoia. I listen to Lucifer more, not because of anything religious but because he talks directly to me, we have conversations together, he makes sense to me. He isn’t nasty or evil, he is the one who is capable of giving me additional powers that most humans just don’t have. He will make me better in so many ways.

So I told the psychiatrist all of this. I told him I had gotten the forms to apply for a housing transfer and how I never know what to write any more about my mental health ‘condition’ because he has recently seemed like he no longer thinks I have Bipolar. So I told him I wanted a diagnosis – I asked him what was wrong with me? Do I still have Bipolar? Yes he said. He told me he was confident in his diagnosis of Bipolar 3 years ago and still considers me to have it as that is what the medication I am taking is for. However he also says I keep having periods of psychosis. I told him I wasn’t in a period of psychosis just now though and he said I was. Hmm. There is no point in arguing with him. He said something about the periods of psychosis could just be that – periods of psychosis – or they could be an indicator of another mental health condition like schizophrenia but at the moment I don’t fit neatly into any little criteria of boxes and right now he doesn’t know for certain what is wrong with me. So for now I am currently undiagnosable.

Today I was supposed to have my session with the addictions nurse to do our relapse prevention work but I’ve had a horrible migraine all morning, I was sick around 9am which usually means the migraine will go away soon but it’s now after 3pm and I still have it. So I phoned late this morning and cancelled our session for today and changed it to Tuesday.

I have an appointment with my social worker tomorrow. I am going to take the housing transfer form with me and use the session to fill it out. I also need to make an appointment with my GP, I think I will try and do that tomorrow as the psychiatrist wants me to increase my Quetiapine (Seroquel) by 50mg a week now not a fortnight so I need some extra tablets as he wants me to increase as soon as possible. It’s a bit weird because on the one hand he was saying he was glad I wasn’t so distressed by the voices like the way Patty really distressed me but at the same time he wants me to go to my GP as soon as possible and increase my medication straight away. I’m a bit confused by that.

Also I need to see my GP about my knees. I spend a lot of time sitting cross-legged on the sofa with the laptop on my knee and after an hour or so they would start to feel stiff and I’d need to give them a good stretch out. But for the past few weeks now I can barely manage ten minutes of them being crossed before they really start to hurt and they still really hurt when I straighten them out. The only way to make the pain stop is to get up and start walking around. It’s like they keep seizing up and I need to get mobile to loosen them up again. I know this is due to my posture, the way I sit, crossing my legs, being overweight probably doesn’t help and so I’m pretty sure the GP will give me a prescription of exercise and healthy eating but I just want to get them checked out.

Oh and I finally answered the phone to my Mum today. I feel so bad it was my Dad’s birthday on Tuesday and it’s now Thursday and I haven’t been up with his present or card. So Mum phoned and I thought I better answer because I knew she would be getting worried so I had a quick chat with her and told her I was OK and that I was going for a shower and would go up soon. I will try and make a point of seeing them at the weekend, a week late but I’ll get it done.

So yeah, right now I’m just keeping busy in my own little world, currently undiagnosable but still being treated for Bipolar. Oh and the psychosis which I really don’t think I have. Maybe when my psychiatrist retires in September the new psych will be able to give me some more answers.

23:20 – I am shit

1 May

On Sunday my Mum text me to say she had got all these lovely foods in for a nice Sunday dinner. Then she text again telling me what time it would be ready. Then she text again to ask if I had left my flat yet, was I on my way? I didn’t reply to any of them. The first two because I was still asleep, the second two because I felt guilty because I knew that I was in one of those moods where I wouldn’t go.

Today is my Dad’s birthday. I have his card and present here. Mum text me earlier that they were getting some Chinese food for dinner, did I want to join them. Surprise surprise I didn’t text back. I haven’t even wished my Dad a happy birthday and the day is pretty much over now.

Instead I am shit. I am so selfish because my focus is completely elsewhere. I have managed to get to very deep levels of conversation with Lucifer and listen as he explains to me why it is so very important that he is in my life. I float along in that world, not the so called real one.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist at 2pm. I want to ask him about diagnoses. I want him to tell me what it is he thinks is wrong with me. He has been hesitant for a little while now about the bipolar disorder, and then that new CPN woman saying last week that I wasn’t considered to have agoraphobia when he was the very psychiatrist who diagnosed it. So yeah I want to ask them what the fuck is going on with all that and what he thinks is wrong with me. Personally I think I might have Schizoid Personality Disorder and/or Avoidant Personality Disorder but he has never once mentioned a personality disorder to me, it’s always very firmly been a ‘mood’ disorder that he is certain I have.

Also I will tell him about my relationship with Lucifer and how well that is going, I will request a medication increase just for when the bad voices start up, but I don’t want to take too much that it takes Lucifer away. I’m really starting to like having him around. I like being called a fallen angel. I like making him happy with me.

That’s about all I have to say. I have just remembered I have no dry clothes for tomorrow so I better go hang my washing up. I had a nice weekend babysitting, it’s cute how clingy he is with me, but it makes me sad sometimes as well. I slept like a baby all weekend because I was so tired, how is it physically possible to get so worn out by a 1 year old in two days?! Having him to look after made me focus less on the desires of Lucifer so now I have a bit of making up to do.

12:09 – Meeting the new cpn

27 Apr

I met my new CPN on Wednesday. My social worker was there as promised which was nice. I was very anxious throughout the meeting even though the woman herself seemed nice enough; however I got the impression that any time my social worker tried to tell her about my mental health history and how, over the past couple of years all they have been able to do with me is try and keep me alive, that she didn’t seem particularly interested. She didn’t seem very interested in hearing about the voices or me using my crisis plan appropriately and taking myself to a&e on a few occasions. Instead all she seemed to want to talk about was ‘what she can do to help me’ in the next few months.

Yes! Guess what? She is only temporary as well! Another person who will be there one minute and gone before I know it! Apparently they are advertising for a full time permanent CPN, so the next one should be able to stick around for longer. Hmm.

So she started asking me stuff about my hobbies and about my education. I told her I’d done well at school and had started a couple of degree’s at different universities but always dropped out at the end of first year. I told her I don’t really have any hobbies, but mentioned I have my little dogs. My head (and the building) was pretty noisy and I was having quite a hard time following the conversation and not letting the voices overpower her. I heard phrases like “having goals and aspirations”, “furthering your education”, “what would you like to do MCBL? There must be something?”

I guess I wasn’t really expecting to go into this first meeting and for her to be quite so full on with the whole ‘getting motivated’ thing. I again was having a hard time both talking to Lucifer and the CPN (who we will call T just to give her a name), I think on a couple of occasions I replied out loud to Lucifer when I meant to reply to her or vice versa. Ugh. Brain blur.


She asks what I would like to achieve/work towards. I said I’d like to not be agoraphobic any longer. She states “the psychiatrist says you don’t have agoraphobia MCBL”… (you know I just love when these changes occur and I’m always the last to know)… I kinda looked at her strangely and told her that yes I could now manage the bus journey between home and the looney bin and that yes I had done a couple of graded exposure journeys with my social worker – however – I have not been to a city/busy place/on a motorway/a shopping centre/family events – for at least five years. I have made a mental note to ask my psychiatrist if and why he no longer considers me to have agoraphobia when I see him next Wednesday.

I said to my social worker that I would still really like to move out of my flat. I do love the location of my flat and it is my little home, has been for six years now, but I desperately want to have a little one or two bedroom house with a little garden. I know beggars can’t be choosers and I should be grateful that I have a permanent roof over my head but living in this flat really feels like it worsens my mental health at times.

If I had one of the little one bedroom houses they have for the elderly and disabled people then I believe:

  • My paranoia would be less intense because I wouldn’t be in a block of 12 flats with people coming and going all day long that I hear outside my door and become suspicious of,
  • I would have the freedom to sit outside on nice days in my own safe space and having a garden and doing a little gardening is shown to help depressive symptoms,
  • On bad days the dogs would have a garden to play in if I was too unwell to walk them – and not have to rely on my Mum coming to get them,
  • I think I would feel a lot safer with elderly neighbours, they don’t pose the same threat to me as younger people, and their little houses are in quieter areas, with no late night parties like where I stay now,
  • If I had an extra bedroom then someone would be able to have a proper bed to sleep in when I need someone to stay over,
  • From a safety point of view I wouldn’t already be two floors up if I was in a suicidal state at home,
  • I think my fear of people wanting to do me harm would be less in a quiet little house as opposed to this block of 12 flats,
  • I am no longer happy here
  • This little bit of research explains what I feel:  Housing, Neighbourhoods and Mental Health:-
  • Most of the BRE report focused on the effects of housing on physical health. However many of the studies quoted previously looked at both physical and mental health, and there is a continuing interest in the effects of housing on the latter, perhaps in part reflecting the difficulties of “proving” links with physical symptoms and because of the interaction between the two. Intuitively poor housing condition will have an effect on mental well being; the home provides more than shelter and the “meaning of home”, for example as a haven of security, is an accepted psychological and social construct.

T, (new CPN woman), says she does not think that me moving to a little house would be beneficial. She says it will make me take my dogs out less because I will have a garden to let them play in instead. This woman has known me five minutes, I’ve had my dogs coming on 5 and 6 years, I’ve been a ‘mental’ all that time and they have never ever been neglected or not walked. Even when I’ve felt the shittest of the shit, when I’ve had to swap my days and nights around so I felt comfortable in going out, when I’ve had to call on my mum to take them for a night… through all of those times my two little monkeys have always been taken good care of and exercised. So T wound me up a bit.

Deep breath. Ahh.

Her whole approach left me walking out of there feeling like she had spent all her time talking about what she wants me to do and not actually listening to a word of how I was thinking or feeling or what was going on in my life right now. She doesn’t seem to get that sometimes it is just to hard to get out of bed, to shower once a week, to live with voices tormenting then praising you, to be locked in a little self destructing world where everything drives you crazy. I left feeling like she was more interested in the grades I’d got at school (13 years ago) than the here and now. Will the next session be any different? Who knows… It’s not for a fortnight yet.

Next week I have appointments Wednesday with the psychiatrist, Thursday with the addictions nurse for more relapse prevention work, Friday with my social worker. I can’t decide whether to wait until next Friday and speak over the housing stuff again or whether to contact the housing association myself and just tell them the reasons why I’d like to be considered for a new place.

Annoyingly my mate came down the other night (after I’d seen T and was moaning about her) and he made me get a pen and paper, go onto Google, search for short college courses at my local college (I ended up just phoning them and asking for a prospectus and a list of free short courses) then I searched for voluntary work in my area and sent off an email to a charity who do short term pet fostering as I think I’d quite enjoy that. I haven’t had a reply from them yet. So yes, that was kinda annoying that he ended up making me do the things that T was banging on about but afterwards we had a little drink and were like ‘ah, right that’s my homework done til I see her again in 2 weeks, I’ve got shit written down so I can show her I did listen’ so she had better be bloody pleased with me!

In other news – I have found the perfect design for my next tattoo which is going to make Lucifer very happy with me indeed. This might just be the time he starts to grant me the powers and abilities he promised (if I do a good job and impress him!) – Watch this space!

Wow that was a long post. I started writing this almost an hour ago. It’s now 12:53. Time to get dressed and have something to eat.



18:44 – It’s over (and I survived it!)

5 Apr

I went to the CPA meeting. At the meeting there was:

  • Me
  • My Mum
  • CPN guy from last week
  • Addictions nurse
  • Social Worker
  • A&E Senior Charge Nurse (bitchy one from Tuesday)
  • Psychiatrist via video link

Whilst people were arriving I heard my social worker ask my Mum how she was doing. I mentioned a while back that my Mum was being made redundant from the company she has worked for, for about 16 years. Then the company decided she could work from home on a part time basis until April and it would be reviewed again. This morning she found out that her redundancy was definitely going ahead and that’s it all final now. She finishes up in a couple of weeks. I just sat there and stared at the floor, I had no idea and I suddenly felt incredibly guilty that she had just lost her job that morning and was still there, by my side, at this bloody meeting about me being mental. That I still needed my Mum there for me when she is going through her own shit but is still more concerned about me. In the car on the way home she told me she wasn’t going to tell me until after the meeting because ‘she should be worrying about me and I shouldn’t worry about her’. Fucking hell, I’m such a bloody burden. I don’t deserve her worrying about me! Argh!

So for the first fifteen or twenty minutes of the meeting I barely said a word. I couldn’t really concentrate on what was being said because my head kept thinking about my poor Mum and how rubbish she must be feeling knowing she has to say good bye to all her colleagues of so many years. And my Mum was damn good at her job. I felt angry and sad for her. The voices were making everything sound a bit mumbled as well. My leg kept shaking and I felt sick with anxiety.

The CPN guy then started to go through the minutes from the last meeting then I pushed my bit of paper in front of him where I’d written that I felt totally unsupported at the moment. This is because I have not met my new CPN yet and had been told to use the duty system in a crisis as my social worker was no longer part of my care team. So I found my voice and said that I didn’t want my social worker out my care team because she is the only person (other than the psychiatrist) who has been there consistently. I told them I find all these staff changes stressful and uncomfortable, like I just start getting to know someone and then they leave for one reason or another. I also said I find the duty system hard because I find it hard having to explain why I feel the way I do over and over again to different people. So it was agreed that my social worker would remain part of my care team with appointments on a monthly basis (which is what I asked for) so I’m glad that for now I’m going to be able to keep the only therapeutic relationship I’ve got. Who knows, maybe once I get to know my new CPN and if I work well with her then maybe I will be OK just with CPN support.

We talked a little about how much I’ve been struggling lately, I apologised for not attending my appointments in the past month and explained it was mostly due to anxiety. So the CPN guy said he would speak to the support worker boss guy and ask if I could get a little bit of help with getting to appointments when they are at the CMHT. That brought up the subject of paying to see a support worker now, which the psychiatrist commented was “ridiculous” interestingly. So I will wait and see if they are going to let me get support from a support worker until my new CPN starts. My social worker also said she would come in for my first meeting with my new CPN so that should make it slightly less anxiety fuelled.

Hmm what else did they talk about?… The addictions nurse said that although she hadn’t seen me for a while she had no concerns of me using heroin again and was sure it really was just a two week mistake so that was good. The A&E nurse took a copy of my crisis plan and we mentioned the self harming over the past couple of weeks. I told my Mum about it in the car on the way there so she wasn’t shocked. The A&E nurse didn’t say much, just that she thought it would be helpful for them to have a copy of my crisis plan and she said thank you to me as she was leaving for ‘being so honest’ about the stuff in my head. She still remains the bitchy nurse though compared to the rest of the A&E staff!

I told them about the voices and about Satan controlling me. I asked for an increase in Quetiapine which the psychiatrist agreed to so I can put my dose up  by 50mg a fortnight and hopefully the voices will start to subside again in a while. I only hope I can last that time without doing something crazy if they start to command me!

So the meeting came to an end. We went through the keypoints which were something like:

  • Medication to be increased
  • Monthly appointments with social worker
  • Start seeing new CPN
  • Stick to crisis plan
  • Resume sessions with addictions nurse to do relapse prevention work
  • Appointment with addictions nurse on Tuesday 2pm
  • Sometimes I might need help to get to appointments
  • Possible support worker until new CPN starts
  • See psychiatrist in May
  • Another CPA meeting on July 5th at 4pm

I can’t believe I just remembered all of that. I must have been listening to more than I thought! Which is really strange because when I was in there it was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, some parts seemed blurred, some parts I’d suddenly notice Mum’s hand on mine and her whispering to see if I was OK. With the anxiety there were a couple of times I did that thing where you are like holding your breath without realising it then suddenly you exhale and it seems really loud, the CPN guy picked up on that and checked I was OK.

I guess all in all I’m glad I went. It was horribly anxious and yet at the same time it was productive. I just hope all the things we talked about actually happen and don’t just end up as words on a couple of sheets of paper somewhere. Things are still pretty fucking rocky and I’d really like to be able to try this approach out before things hit the next crisis point, I’d like to avoid there being another crisis point, but Satan is the one in control and all I can do is walk quietly alongside and try to steer things in the right direction.

14:43 – So freaking scared

5 Apr

I have my CPA meeting in just over an hour. My Mum is picking me up in an hour. I am still not dressed and am so fucking scared about going. The anxiety is ridiculously bad at the moment, my stomach is churning, I feel sick, my palms are sweating, I’m roasting hot and my heart seems to be beating super fast. I have taken my morning Citalopram and Quetiapine, I have also taken 20mg Diazepam but so far nothing is bringing the panic down. I really really do not want to go to it.

As far as I know the only people going are myself, the social worker, the community addictions nurse, the psychiatrist and my Mum. I think someone from a&e has also been invited but have no idea if anyone will come. I hate speaking about the voices in front of so many people, my Mum still doesn’t even know about getting my legs stitched up or me writing stuff about Satan all over me with a knife. What the fuck is she/they going to think when she hears it all?

I’m completely bricking myself here, all the excuses as to why I can’t go are zooming around my head, I want to just let them all go do it without me but I know I need to be there. I know there’s no getting out of it, no matter how bad the anxiety feels I have to face this.

I spoke to the addictions nurse on the phone yesterday afternoon just to touch base with her before this meeting and to apologise for not attending any appointments in the past month. I told her my head has been crazy; she used to be a psych nurse before she starting working for the addictions team. She encouraged me to turn up today and suggested I wrote down the key things I wanted to get sorted out but my head is totally blank.

So far all the sheet of paper says is ‘I can’t handle appointments’

I really don’t know if I’m going to make it there today.


00:19 – Trying to find the right path

20 Mar

I’m scared about tomorrow. I’m supposed to be going to two appointments, one with my CPN and one with my psychiatrist. I think I need my Quetiapine increased, my head is in a strange place right now, mostly a pretty scary place. I know my Mum is off work tomorrow and said she would come with me if it would help me get there but I just don’t think I can face it. I don’t even know what times they are at as I threw the letters in the bin as soon as I got them.

I went to my parents for dinner last night and Mum said she had received a letter inviting her to my next Care Plan Approach meeting which is on the 5th of April. I told her I didn’t think I would be going to it, I can’t really see myself attending any further appointments now. I know my Mum was getting annoyed with me saying I needed the help that’s being offered to me but it’s just not going to happen.

There are a lot of things that don’t make a great deal of sense right now, all I know for sure is that I have to keep on trying to walk the right path and that path is the one to be at war with the devil and only allow Jesus and the Angels to guide me. They are the only ones who can guide me to safety and away from this paranoid hell hole the devil has created.

15:22 – So I fucked something else up…

15 Mar

I got a letter today to tell me that as I’ve missed my last three appointments with my counsellor I will not be offered any further appointments but I can contact them any time if I want to restart. This is the counsellor at the drug and alcohol place who was doing bereavement counselling with me. Yes the counselling that I wrote about needing so badly and feeling good that someone was finally going to do it with me, unlike the CMHT who just bang on and on about fucking safety plans, crisis plans and risk assessments. The counsellor is nice, she really is, but how do I explain to her that its not that I don’t want to go and see her, I just can’t. The outside world terrifies me at the moment. I don’t even have the words to try and describe it.

So I am sad that the counselling is finished, especially as I was just getting to the point of starting to trust her and open up to her, but like everything I have to go and fuck it up. Talking about my little one and all the feelings I have surrounding the loss was starting to become helpful. I know I can contact them any time in the future and resume the sessions but that just doesn’t seem likely any longer.

I also got a letter from my CPN offering me another appointment on March 20th which is the same day I am supposed to see the psychiatrist. I know I’m not going to go to either of them and yet I can’t seem to phone and tell them this. Which makes me feel bad as I am wasting their time and someone else could have those appointments. I also know I kinda need to see the psychiatrist to go about increasing my Quetiapine again but ugh I just can’t. I also need to see my GP within the next week to get my next lot of 4 weekly prescriptions sorted but I don’t feel as though I’m going to be able to do that either right now. I can see what’s going to happen here, I’m going to run out of medication and lose my appointments with my CPN and psychiatrist, I’m going to be left on my own with nothing other than a completely mental head.

I truly feel trapped in this horrendous paranoia that I can’t escape from. And I have tried, I went out on Tuesday when I last posted, I forced myself to shower then take the dogs out whilst it was still light outside and the anxiety was awful. I only managed about 2 or 3 minutes of being outside before I was trying to get back to the house. But nature called and the dog was doing the toilet and so I had to stand there and wait, all I could feel was nauseous panic creeping up on me. I kept trying to tell myself that it was going to be OK and that I would be back in the house in just a few more minutes. I was trying to be self-soothing. I was trying to remain calm. But there were people, mostly school kids walking home from school and their chatter was so fucking loud it was hurting my head.  I couldn’t hear the soothing voice inside me any more just chatter that got louder and louder until it turned into a chant that was bursting my fucking eardrums “we see you, we see you, We See You, We See You, WE SEE YOU, WE SEE YOU” and I had to turn and run. Running in front of all these school kids, looking like a paranoid anxious mess, flustered and rubbing my hands on my head, eyes dashing from side to side trying to find a way out of it all… I was a mess. As soon as I got back indoors my three locks were put on the door and I just sat and cried with the duvet wrapped round me.

Yesterday I had to go to the pharmacy and pick up my prescription. As usual I waited until just before closing time and ran along the street for it. On my way back home I bumped into male friend, I started making excuses to him that I had to come home to have a shower, I was about to make dinner, I was probably going out soon… anything so that he didn’t ask to come round. He did text me later though to ask if I was OK as I seemed a bit “off”. I didn’t reply.

The paranoia feels like it’s taking over everything. The anxiety has not been as bad as this in a long time. It’s almost as bad as it was when my agoraphobia made me completely housebound. And I worked hard to get to a point where I could deal with some anxiety, where I could calm myself down a bit, but now it just doesn’t seem to work at all. My head is constantly swimming through voices, chants and unintelligible chit chat.

I just feel confused and scared. I don’t know why it’s all starting again, it really makes me think that I’m never going to get ‘better’.