Tag Archives: life

17:33 – Seeing the psych and changing meds

8 Aug

This morning I saw Mr Psychiatrist and had written a little list of things I wanted to discuss with him as the appointments are time limited to an hour and I wanted to make sure I covered everything. I told him I have been feeling a bit like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster these past few weeks, with a lot of mood swings although things have for the most part been better. I told him about the severe anxiety on Saturday and the resulting hospital visit, I also told him about the good things in my life like the uni course starting next month. We talked about how recovery had become important to me but at the same time a little bit of me feels like I’m sort of putting on an act to keep other people happy/proud of me.

One thing I also wanted to talk to him about was the possibility of changing medications. The anti-depressant I take, Citalopram (Celexa) well I have been taking it for about five years and to be honest I haven’t noticed a great deal of help from it. As anxiety continues to be an ongoing issue with me to the point where it can easily affect my life, I have been doing some reading on what other anti-depressants there are out there which people have found helpful for anxiety and depression. So we have decided I am going to give Mirtazapine (Remeron) a try. So this week I have to cut my Citalopram down to 30mg a day, next week 20mg a day, the following week 10mg a day and then start the Mirtazapine. I am slightly concerned about the weight gain side effect of Mirtazapine but then Quetiapine (Seroquel) says it can cause weight gain as well and I haven’t noticed a massive increase.

So I also saw lovely GP this afternoon and we got my meds sorted so that I can cut down the Citalopram myself over the next few weeks then I have to go back and see her when I’m ready to start the Mirtazapine. She warned me I might start to feel a bit shitty over the next few weeks as the Citalopram dose is cut down especially as my body has been used to it for so long. I told her I was a little bit concerned I would be feeling crappy because of this at the same time as my Uni course is starting and I don’t want to go to the induction day feeling anxious and depressed. Then of course the Mirtazapine will take about 4 weeks to start working properly so the next few weeks/couple of months might be a bit rocky.

But at least I am prepared for it and lovely GP said to go and see her if this does happen and she will see what she can do to help with those side effects. She has also now got the form to refer me to a local service that combines nutrition information and gym membership (for free I think) so I can start taking regular exercise. My diet isn’t actually that bad. I don’t eat massive amounts of junk food, I just eat the wrong foods and eat big portions. But I am about 4 stone (56lbs) overweight and of course that affects my self esteem and adds to my depression as well.

The good things are that the voices are under control, I feel like at 500mg a day I am on a good dose of Quetiapine right now. The Uni course is a positive to look forward to starting. I have freed my body of all drugs apart from the prescribed ones. I am socialising a lot more and seeing my family more. Even if some of it does feel like a bit of an act sometimes, at least I’m doing them, and when a day like Saturday happens, I know there is help there for me and I don’t need to harm myself to get it.

I sent my social worker an email this afternoon to try and get another CPA meeting arranged as I’m not seeing Mr Psychiatrist again until November. That is a really good thing because it shows that he thinks I am doing well right now to leave me with a 3 month break. But in the mean time we should have a CPA meeting, also my CPN leaves in a month or so and it would be good to get one with everyone there so everyone can have some input before she leaves and before Mr Psychiatrist retires, which is now going to be in January instead of September.

I also took a little trip to the beach with the dogs this afternoon for an hour and saw best friend for an hour or so after the appointment with Mr Psychiatrist. She is spending a lot of time with her other friend and I’m sort of feeling a bit left out, but I have the big date with the guy I’ve been talking to tomorrow so I have my own things going on as well.

And on that note my stomach is rumbling so it is time to go and find something to make for dinner.

So excited/nervous/scared about tomorrow but something tells me it is all going to be OK. I get on so well with this guy via webcam and on the phone that even if we don’t hit it off in any romantic sense I think I will at least have made a new friend.

16:46 – They say you only get out of life what you put into it

2 Aug

They say you only get out of life what you put into it and I’m sitting here thinking back over the years to what I’ve put into mine. I’ve been guilty of a lot of things over the past 30 years, taking more than giving, giving and being let down. I’ve put love into relationships and been guilty of not loving myself, nor even liking myself at times. I have tried to make people proud of me through things like going to university then been guilty of dropping out of courses. I tried to be a mummy and lost my little angel through reasons I will never understand. I have put too much time into self destructive behaviours and scarred my body badly for life. Those scars make me feel unattractive and unlovable. I wonder when I start this next college course if I am going to succeed this time or if past history is going to continue to repeat itself and I’m going to fail at this as well.

The only thing that has been continuous in my life over the past six years has been the love of my family and that of my little dogs. I have loved and lost in my relationships and been so hurt that I cannot envisage ever entering into a new one. I look at friends and family members with jealousy that they have met the right person or had the beautiful babies. But they say you get out of life what you put into it and the mistakes I have made in the past like putting drugs and alcohol into my body as some sort of medication of course could only result in one thing – messing my head up even more.

I’ve seen myself at the lowest of lows, I’ve watched myself completely lose it and attempt to end my life. I’ve seen myself been sectioned into psychiatric hospitals and live every day taking medication to try and keep my head at some sort of level where I can both appear sane and still function. If I try harder this time round, if I really put the effort into this course can I complete it to the end and feel proud of myself that I have achieved something positive with my life? I really hope so. I don’t want to go back to that place where all I can think about is suicide and hurting myself and yet these past few weeks everything seems to be stressing me so much that those are the very thoughts I am battling against.

I don’t want my life to be a battle any more. I want to find some sort of happiness. Maybe I’m not going to have the chance to be a mummy, maybe I am going to continue to have such bad trust issues that I will remain single, maybe I won’t get the housing transfer into the little cottage with the garden that I want and end up in this little flat for years still to come. But I have to put some sort of effort into my life to make it better, happier. I want to wake up and look forward to the day ahead and not wake up with dread that it’s another day and that I’m still here.

Today I have realised that you get out of life what you put into it and no matter how hard it is I have to start to change some of my behaviours or else the remainder of my life is going to be just a never ending journey of mental health problems and struggles to stay alive. I have to achieve something, anything, or else what is the point to it all? There is no point. I cannot spend my life going from one crisis to another even though that’s just what seems to happen. But nothing is ever going to change and I’m never going to be happy if I allow that to be my life.

I don’t know how to change it, for that I need help. But I know I have to start making small baby step changes or I’m never going to have a life, just a horrible back to back set of events all sent to test me until I can literally take no more and decide it is time to give up once and for all.

There has to be more than this? Surely?

Protected: 12:43 – The cemetery and the ex – the long version

12 Feb

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Protected: 22:30 – Do I need hospital to keep myself safe from Patty?

4 Nov

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Protected: 19:32 – Can’t actually think of a title!

30 Oct

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Protected: 21:47 – If I was deaf would I still hear voices?

26 Oct

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Protected: 19:13 – Patty is angry

9 Oct

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Protected: 04:04 – Not crazy til you’re a dog poop inspecting lady

5 Oct

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Protected: 03:51 – Last night’s suicide plan/attempt and huge confusion

24 Sep

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Protected: 13:05 – A challenge of the pain of death, can I do it?

21 Sep

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