Tag Archives: scared

00:01 – Hoping and praying I’m doing the right thing

25 Nov

So… since I last posted I have made the rather huge decision to accept the offer of the housing transfer. I went with my Mum to view it for a second time on Friday afternoon and then had an hour to give them a final decision as they are closed over the weekend and if I didn’t want to take it then it would be offered to someone else on Monday. I felt massively under pressure and I still don’t know if I am doing the right thing but after an appointment with CPN#2 on Friday morning and talking things through with her I decided I do need to get out of this flat I’m in. There are memories everywhere I look and a huge amount of them are bad ones. But, as lovely support worker said to me on Thursday “the memories that you need to keep you will keep in your heart and no matter where you are living they will always stay with you” and I hope so much she is right.

The appointment with CPN#2 on Friday was one I’d actually go so far as to say it was ‘semi’ productive. Yes she asked what items I wanted to put on “the agenda” for the session which as you all know drives me mad… but for once I actually had things I wanted to talk about. I knew I’d have lots to say about the housing transfer so decided to make it our second thing on the agenda and first of all discuss the recent letter from the psychologist. I told CPN#2 that I’d felt a mix of emotions when I received the letter, initially I felt hopeful as I read the words that I was now at the top of the waiting list and the psychologist was now in a position to offer me an appointment… but then as I carried on reading and saw she was only able to offer me 4 sessions due to going on maternity leave in March I felt pretty gutted. I chose my words carefully and said to CPN#2 “I’m assuming you only recently found out yourself that the psychologist is pregnant again as I’m sure you wouldn’t have left me hanging on waiting for my sessions to resume with her knowing she was pregnant and knowing that’s why I had to stop working with her last time”… I looked out the window as I said it and CPN#2 didn’t say yes or no… she just left me to carry on talking.

I’m now quite sure CPN#2 probably has known for at least a month if not a couple of months and that was possibly my way of making a little dig at her to let her know that I knew she knew. But I kept myself composed and said that whilst I wished the psychologist all the best with her pregnancy, I really felt like I would find it extremely difficult to spend January and February watching her huge bump whilst also spending January and the start of February trying to keep myself mentally strong enough to get through my little one’s 7th anniversary. CPN#2 said that she understood and was sure the psychologist would understand as well. I told her I felt a little bit deflated after being on the waiting list since May and to finally be offered an appointment then not be able to take it. Again, I’m not really sure if we would have achieved much in four sessions anyway, but now it looks like I’m going to be waiting considerably longer. CPN#2 told me that they had been advertising the post for a replacement psychologist for a while (this is why I’m sure she clearly has known for a while that the psychologist was pregnant again yet kept telling me just to hang on as I was getting closer to the top of the list) but unfortunately they’ve had very little interest in the post so far. She went on to say that it was not looking very likely that they will have a new psychologist in post by March and I’d most likely be in for a long wait. So just as I felt like she couldn’t make me feel much more deflated she actually surprised me and said that she thought I really did need psychological input and was going to ask the psychologist if it would be possible for me to be referred to a different psychology team. Basically it is the team located at the psych hospital about 90 minutes from where I live and they offer an outpatient service so CPN#2 is going to speak with the psychologist and see if they could refer me there instead. I don’t know that I’d be overly keen in being back in the grounds of the psych hospital or having to travel 90 mins there and back each week/fortnight but I guess if they could start seeing me in the next couple of months it would be better than waiting for God only knows how long to see a psychologist here. So that was the end of that conversation and I guess I can only hope for good news the next time I see CPN#2 that they are going to make the referral.

After that conversation was over with we started talking about all of the pros and cons of moving house. I talked about everything that scares me about leaving my flat behind and moving onto somewhere new but CPN#2 kept pulling me back to the positives of it all. She sat for about ten minutes painting this lovely scene of me waking up on Christmas morning with my little doggies bouncing around on my bed playing with their new toys… me getting out of my bed and being able to open my back door whilst still in my pyjamas and let them out to the garden… relaxing in a nice hot bath and getting ready to see all my family… peace and quiet around me, no noisy neighbours… getting the doggies and my presents and just having a five minute walk round to my parents house… talking almost like the way they do on hypnotherapy cd’s and I wanted so so much to feel this happy relaxing scene she was painting but in my head all I could see was me being in my flat. She then started to talk about how I needed to try and separate my anxiety associated with my “illness” and normal anxiety. That moving house was stressful for everyone who does it and it was normal for me to be having all these doubts but that she really thinks I need to leave this flat now and start afresh.

So I left the appointment with CPN#2 and came home and got the dogs and went for a long walk with them for an hour and tried to get my head straight. Then Mum came and picked me up and we went for the second viewing of the house. There is a lot of work that needs doing in it. The whole place needs completely repainted, the walls are going to need sanding down as someone has obviously put some plaster on to cover up little cracks but not bothered to smooth it out so there are big bumpy bits all over the walls. The ceilings and skirting boards need painting too. The flooring isn’t in a very good condition but I think I’m going to take my flooring from this flat and have it re-laid in the house as the rooms are slightly smaller than in here so it should fit. So after twenty minutes or so of viewing it I said yes I would accept it and we then went to the housing office for me to sign the acceptance forms. I have an appointment at 3pm tomorrow to collect the keys and sign the tenancy agreement. Then we had to go to the housing association from whom I currently rent my flat and was told I have to give them a 28 day notice period that I am ending my tenancy here which is a pain as we then had to go to the housing benefit office who have said that they will only pay the rent on one property at a time so I’m going to have to try and move as quickly as possible… ideally within a week as I will have to pay the rent on the new property out of my own pocket until I hand the keys back for this flat. But Mum said not to worry about that and that she and my Dad would pay a week or two’s rent for me.

So tomorrow it’s all going to start feeling real. Once I have the keys Mum and I are going to spend a few hours in the new house cleaning it all. I also need to phone a couple of removal companies tomorrow and get quotes from them to see how much it is going to cost to move all my heavy stuff like furniture and electrical appliances. Then on Tuesday I will need to contact my gas and electricity companies and arrange to have pre-payment meters installed in the new house. I also need to go to the post office and get a form to arrange to have all my mail redirected for a month or two to give me the chance to contact everyone to notify them of my change of address. I also need to phone and arrange to have my phone line and broadband moved. Then I need to start packing all the things that can go into boxes that I can move with the help of the parents. I feel like I have sooo much to do and to be honest I’m finding it all quite overwhelming and scary… I’m so thankful I do have my parents to help me with all of this because I think I would have fallen to pieces by now if I had to try and do it all by myself.

Plus I have less than two weeks to write and submit my two final essays for this term which I had intended to try and make a start on this weekend but I went to an engagement party last night and had a little bit too much to drink and have been suffering for it all day today. My own fault but never mind… I’m sure I’ll get them done. Sometimes I feel like I work better when I’m under pressure with a deadline fast approaching as I have no choice but to just study and write and study and write until it’s done. Maybe not my best work but so long as I scrape a pass that is all I really care about. I may just get my phone line moved and study from my parents house whilst they’re at work using their internet… at least I don’t have any distractions there and should be able to get my head down and get some work done.

So the next couple of weeks are going to be crazy, hectic and super busy but hopefully in a fortnight’s time I will be fully moved, essays done and on my Christmas break from the uni course and able to relax and get the rest of my Christmas shopping done. I’m hoping and praying that I am doing the right thing and won’t regret leaving this flat as once I leave I can never get it back… that’s it gone for good to become someone else’s home. And that really does throw up a whole mix of emotions for me. Whilst I need that fresh start I will also be very sad and probably quite emotional when the day comes that I’m sleeping here for the very last night. I have a feeling I am going to just sit here completely consumed with so many memories of the past 7 and a half years jumping into my head. But I am trying to trust my instincts and the words of advice other people are giving me and I do need a blank canvas to start creating new memories in… a new place to build into my home… right now it might just be ‘a house’ but I can make it ‘a home’ eventually I’m sure.

Big, scary adult decisions… argh!

Well I think 2000 words of rambling is quiet enough! I can’t quite believe that this time tomorrow I will be sitting here with the keys to my new house. It’s all happened so fast I just hope I can keep up and it doesn’t start going too fast that I get myself all into a big mess.

Deep breaths… keep calm… think of the positives… and when it all starts feeling overwhelming take a couple of Diazepam, try to be mindful and try to calm down… I guess that’s all I can do :/

Scared just doesn’t cut it. But I keep telling myself I’m only getting the keys tomorrow, I’m not moving tomorrow, I won’t be moving for at least a week yet, the more time I spend round at the new house getting it looking nicer the more familiar it will become and the more comfortable I will be when the official moving day comes around. I bet this last week of living here is going to fly by.

Another chapter of my life closing and another empty one just beginning…


21:35 – Twelve hours to go

17 Jun

Guess what? I’m crying again. My eyes are red and puffy. I think all I have done all day is cry. I don’t mean a few tears down my cheeks, I mean crying hysterically like a toddler until I’m heaving and running to lean over the toilet to be sick. I can’t eat, I’ve barely slept the past couple of nights and today the urges to self harm have been awful.

I can’t quite believe that twelve hours from now it will all be confirmed and I will hear the news if I have tested positive or negative for HIV. I am still utterly convinced it will be positive.

If it is negative the relief will be absolutely immense, I cannot imagine how much of a weight it will feel like has been lifted from my shoulders.

I have been so worried about it all that it will just be a relief to know one way or the other for sure. I genuinely don’t know how I will cope if it’s a positive result, I really don’t. If I thought there was stigma surrounding having Bipolar Disorder well there’s a heck of a lot more surrounding people with HIV.

I don’t really know if I’m even ready to hear these results, to know one way or the other, but also I couldn’t put the test off any longer, it was seriously beginning to make me a bit crazy. This seven day wait since being tested has been horrendous at times, time has gone so slow some days every minute has felt like several hours, hours have felt like days. Then suddenly I have a little moment of awareness and realise that somehow I have gotten through these days and made it to the end of the wait (well almost).

I suspect I will spend more hours awake, in tears, staring at the ceiling, trying to read but getting nowhere, getting up and down all night, popping pills trying to buy some sleep only to finally fall asleep around 6am and wake up with a fright as the alarm goes off at 8am. I am then going to meet best friend at the clinic just after 9am and she is going to come in with me while I get the results which I’m very grateful for.

It’s kind of crazy when I think that my results will probably be sitting in the clinic right now waiting to be opened. Like I said in a previous post the clinic is only open on Tuesdays so there will be nobody there to open them until tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning my life will change one way or the other. That might sound dramatic to some people but I swear these last seven days have been a complete rollercoaster of emotions. Anyone who has a reason to think they may have been exposed to HIV I’m sure probably feels the same during the waiting period. I’ve lost count of the amount of emotions I have experienced this week.

I’ve thought a lot about how to react to a positive result but I think it’s one of these things that you simply just cannot prepare yourself for, you just need to deal with it if it happens.


Exactly 12 hours to go.

I hope so much that someone has been looking down on me and is going to allow me a second chance at life tomorrow.

God, if you do exist, you know how much I have prayed to you these past few days. Please don’t make me face any more life challenges at the moment, I’m struggling so much with the ones that I’ve already got. I don’t know if I could cope with another, especially not a biggie like HIV. I need to start to recover from this sexual assault ten months ago. It’s worn me down so much. I need to find some strength again.

I hope so much that in twelve hours time I will feel as if I’ve just been given my life back.


23:09 – A mental head and a poorly dog

1 Feb

So, it’s February.

Ten more days until my little angel’s anniversary.

I haven’t posted all week as I’ve been really unwell – physically and mentally. I think I’ve had another flare up of the suspected stomach ulcer as I have been constantly vomiting all week, had pain in the same spot as last time and a complete loss of appetite. So because I have been sick so much I felt completely exhausted but my head has gone ‘out of control’ crazy a few times this week as well. I guess the meds can’t work very well when you’re throwing up all the time, most of them probably ended up partially undigested at the bottom of the toilet so I have no idea how much medication has actually gone into my system these last five or six days, maybe that’s contributing to how mental my head’s been.

I’ve spent this week plotting and planning at a crazy pace inside my head whilst lying on the bathroom floor trying to go another five minutes without vomiting. I guess it might have been a good idea to have gone to see my GP but I knew too many head crazies would be at risk of rambling out my mouth when I couldn’t think straight. Anyway that’s all for another post.

Today one of my little dogs decided to give me a fright. He hadn’t seemed his normal self for a couple of days, he’d been quite sick and hadn’t really eaten anything or even drank any water. I thought he must have just had a bit of an upset stomach and that he’d be OK today but by lunch time I was getting seriously worried about him. He was just lying there panting really fast and shaking and I knew I looked an absolute mess from not showering in days but I suddenly went into panic mode and phoned the vet saying it was an emergency and I needed her to see him so she told me to take him along. I had this horrible gut wrenching moment where I actually saw him stop breathing in front of me. I don’t think he actually did, I think it was just my head being crazy. But it was enough to make me spring into action, it was like it no longer mattered how hellish I felt, I knew I had to get him special doggy medicine immediately.

Got to vets and she first checked his temperature which they do rectally. Normally he would not be a happy doggy having someone do that to him but he just lay there and didn’t flinch. She said his temperature was really high and then checked him for signs of dehydration. It was confirmed he was dehydrated as well from the vomiting and not drinking. The likely diagnosis is he has gastritis (a stomach infection) so they treated him for that for the moment. So he got an injection to bring down his temperature and another to stop him being sick and she said she wanted to keep him there overnight on a drip so he could get fluids IV. But I asked if I could bring him home and try to get him to eat and drink a little bit and promised to phone them if I couldn’t get him to drink anything or if he was sick again.

Thankfully some fresh air and a couple of injections seems to be doing something. I managed to get him to take two syringes of water and once his tongue was wet he went to his water bowl and drank a little himself. I managed to get him to take just a couple of spoonfuls of a really gentle food meant for puppies and after that he went to his bed and slept for a good three hours. Since he woke up he hasn’t been sick once so at least I know he has some fluids and a little bit of food in his tummy. But the agreement I made with the vet is that if he is sick at all then I will take him in to spend the day in there tomorrow on IV fluids and for further tests. Now I hope and pray he will get plenty of rest tonight and maybe be a little brighter tomorrow now he’s had some medicine.

It didn’t hit me until I was back home and watching him sleep how unwell my poor little fur baby was. I thought he had just eaten something that hadn’t agreed with him and in reality he was very close to needing to be kept in on a drip, and still might depending on how he is overnight. And something horrible triggered off in my head, I’ve been having all of these very intense moments of thinking “what if…?”

What if I’d lost him?

One day I will lose him…

One day I will lose both my little dogs…

One day I will lose my parents…

One day I will be left here alone with no one to love and no one to love me.

And for the first time in a long time thoughts of death raced around my head and made me really scared, the whole concept of disappearing forever, of never ever coming back, never being able to bring back the people who one day I’ll lose… And all I could do was cry and rock myself whilst I cuddled my knees… Death has never really scared me, it’s the one certainty that comes with life, but today… right now… it terrifies me. Even though I am pretty spiritual in my beliefs that I will be reunited in heaven with all of my loved ones one day, tonight I only feel fear of growing old alone and crazy and …

…I don’t know the words for what I’m trying to say…

Sorry, I’ll try and write something that makes more sense tomorrow, I’m getting myself all worked up again and it doesn’t feel good… paranoia and anxiety and head crazies… can’t cope with them right now…sorry… goodnight…

22:11 – So nervous about seeing new CPN tomorrow

26 Nov

It’s been a strange sort of day. I got to sleep relatively early last night which was good as I was awake throughout the daylight today, but I woke up incredibly anxious again this morning. That continued all morning and I kept trying to distract myself from it, I watched some old sitcoms on TV, I opened up some textbooks (but had no concentration and closed them again). I got my essay result back from the piece of utter crap I submitted a week or so ago that I would have marked as a fail but it passed with a C. Not great, but better than I thought it would get. So for our 3 smaller assessments I have passed one at a B, one with 35 out of 35 and one at a C. Now I just have to finish my coursework, do a shit load of reading and do the final ‘big’ essay with the hope I pass this module.

As I couldn’t concentrate and the anxiety was really getting to me I spontaneously decided to clean. So I scrubbed the kitchen, the overflowing pile of dishes have now been washed, all the surfaces have been cleaned and then I went and scrubbed the bathroom. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am useless when it comes to cleaning up, I hate it, I find it so boring and tedious and get no pleasure from it at all… but today I just impulsively felt like I had to clean up a bit.

After I did that I made a big decision. I was going outside today in the daytime. I was up and dressed by then, it was about noon, the dogs were looking at me with their puppy dog eyes so without giving myself a second to change my mind I put my jacket and boots on, put the dogs on their lead and went out.

And it was fucking horrible.

There were people everywhere. I had to walk past people and I could feel people looking at me, it felt like they were talking about me, I really really wanted to run back to the house but I kept going a bit further with my stomach in knots and feeling like I wasn’t breathing properly. I managed about fifteen minutes before I couldn’t take it any longer and the anxiety won – I speedily walked home with my head down.

At least the dogs got some fresh air and a run around.

I then dealt with another couple of hours of extreme anxiety, tried to distract myself by trying to do some reading again but it wasn’t happening. I washed some clothes and dried some others. I put the TV back on. The girl who I may be doing the house exchange with text me and told me she was going to go and speak to someone at the housing department about it and has got a form to fill in. I’m going (well my plan is to try and go) to the housing department myself tomorrow on my way back from seeing new CPN and see if they need me to fill anything out. The panicking started to spiral out of control during the texts back and forth and I finally had a good hard word with myself, told myself I was being pathetic, that there was no need to be getting myself into so much of a state, that if I want to stay here I only have to say no and if I want to move then the opportunity is looking like it’s there. I was actually speaking out loud to myself saying over and over that this is ridiculous and there was nothing to be so scared of.

Then, as if in some sort of test to myself, I pulled my jacket on and went to the supermarket. I walked around mostly looking at the floor, only looking up to see what I needed off the shelves, felt the anxiety rising as I got to the queue at the check out. My heart started doing that thing where it beats and you can hear it in your ears getting louder and louder then you can feel it beating in your throat. I felt like I was being watched by everyone and wanted to run from the queue, leave all my stuff right there and just run.

Somehow I forced myself to stay right where I was and then something made me look up. A familiar voice. My ex fiancé and his partner at the check out right next to me. It was so uncomfortable and my crazy head started going completely into overdrive at this point. All I could think about was how he was dressed all nice and she was in this nice dress and I was standing there in my jacket that really needs washed and no make up on and my hair scraped back and there I was panicking again, putting all my stuff into bags as quickly as possible, grabbing them, and walking as fast as I could back home.

I hate seeing him. But I live in a small town and it’s inevitable that I’m going to bump into him from time to time. I wish that it got easier with all this time that’s passed but it doesn’t. Just knowing I have to see him that one day each year on the little one’s anniversary is more than enough. It still hurts when I see them together even though my love for him is long gone. But yeah, I’m probably still bitter, even now when I see her I get little flashes of her back on that day close to 4 years ago now when she was jumping out my fiancé’s bed half dressed. That older, married mother of two, a boss in the company he worked for, her husband was our friend, and there they were… having an affair without a care for anyone but themselves.

Anyway, enough about that. I got home, I again began to panic, I tried again to study and after 3 attempts today I decided to give up for the rest of the day and try again tomorrow. This evening since about 7pm I’ve just been watching TV, trying to watch happy programs, funny ones, comedies… trying everything I can think of to try and keep the crazies at bay for a little while longer. And I’ve just managed another walk with the dogs but it was dark, quiet and cold and I coped with it a lot better than the two other times I’ve been out in public today.

And now it’s getting late again and coming to the end of another day. And the anxiety is beginning to rise inside me again because I have this appointment with the new CPN tomorrow morning and I know she’s going to ask me why I ignored the last two appointments and I don’t have a reason for her other than that I’ve been really suffering badly with anxiety and been pretty much housebound in the daytimes, that I can’t even deal with a phone call when I’m like that and that I’m sorry I didn’t get in contact. That is, if I actually make it to this appointment. I have a feeling she may not offer me any more appointments if I miss the third one as well so I’m thinking I have to go and if I’m an anxious mess then she’ll just need to see me as an anxious mess and see for herself how bad it is. But whilst I can think like that, I can also think about how much I really don’t want someone that I’ve met once to see me pacing up and down, holding my stomach when it starts churning and going in knots, taking my jacket off as I get hot flushes, the urgency to get out of the environment I’m in and come back to my safe place.

Whilst I wasn’t sure what to make of the new CPN the first time I met her I guess I have to give her a chance? I wasn’t sure what I made of the last CPN the first time I met her but she turned out to be quite nice in the end. Maybe this one will too, I just have to get there and see her to find that out. Ugh. Twelve hours to go and it will be appointment time. I guess it’s good that it’s early in the morning, even though the anxiety seems to already be there, waiting on me to wake up, at least I don’t have to sit about all day working myself up about it and can just get up (try and have a shower) put some clothes on and just go. I just keep telling myself even if I can only manage ten minutes before having to say to her that I’ve had enough and want to leave, I just need to get there and see her and maybe I’ll be able to get her to understand how much I’m struggling right now.

And if I manage that appointment then on my way home I will pop into the housing department and see what the next step is in doing a house exchange. Ugh, my stomach is going all funny just thinking about having to see and talk to two different people and both in the day light. I did it today, not the talking to anyone part but the going out part, I can do it again tomorrow, right?

*Positive Thinking*

Goodnight folks xx

17:57 – Feeling very unstable

4 Aug

My thoughts are still going at 100 miles per hour. Chopping and changing from “I’m going to be OK” to “I just want to die”. Since I last posted one good thing has happened, my boiler finally got repaired… hopefully permanently. So I have heating again which is nice and have been able to wash clothes and hang them to dry.

My Dad is coming down tomorrow to paint my flat for me. I don’t know if I’ll stay here or if I’m better off just taking the dogs and going out for the day to let him get on with it. I’m so rubbish at painting that I’m more of a hindrance than a help.

But tonight I am struggling, all day long my thoughts have been flying between good and bad. I came across my notebook that I used as a diary when I was in hospital last and reading back on what life was like in there was so utterly depressing and yet somehow it felt safe. But I know I don’t want to walk that path again even though thoughts have been screaming at me to do really bad things to myself.

I feel very unstable and I’m not sure what to do about it. It is a Saturday, I can’t call the CMHT and as those of you who have read this for a while will know, we have no crisis team or out of hours mental health services here. It’s just A&E and ideally I could go up there and speak to a nurse or doctor and explain I am struggling a lot today and feel like I am in danger of doing something bad to myself and ask them for some emergency medication to calm things down a bit but I don’t want to risk someone who doesn’t know me either saying I need to go to the psych hospital, or worse, them not helping me and telling me to go home and get on with it.

I’m really not sure where to turn right now, I am trying so very hard to stay on the ‘right’ path and not let things get out of control but I fear they are starting to get out of control despite my best efforts to stop that from happening. I have contemplated phoning a helpline like the Samaritans and seeing if talking to someone helps, I’ve thought about phoning my Mum (who is at work just now) and telling her things feel like they are sliding out from under me. But everyone keeps saying how proud they are of me and I just do not want to admit or say those words out loud that I’m actually not coping so good.

I am scared about what will happen this evening. I do not know if I am going to be OK. I really truly do not want to end up losing control and doing something stupid because it’s not what I want. Deep down, I know I don’t want to die or hurt myself and yet these thoughts/voices /whatever they are keep telling me that I must act on them.

I feel very unstable and very scared right now. I sort of wish I had seen my CPN this week but I had to cancel due to waiting in for the fucking boiler repair people who never even turned up that day and now I don’t see her again until August 17th, although I have Mr Psychiatrist on Wednesday. But we are only on Saturday and I don’t even know if I’m going to get through the next 24 hours without any dramas.

17:07 – “But you need to at least try….”

15 Jul

Tomorrow I have an appointment at big scary hospital to see a consultant dermatologist as my psoriasis is really bad at the moment. I have only been to big scary hospital in the back of an ambulance after I have taken an overdose or something and am sedated or completely out of it and tomorrow I am supposed to be there at 9.05am.

We have talked about this for a couple of weeks, whether or not I was going to try and go. We had come up with a plan that my social worker would drive and my Mum would come with us and sit in the back seat with me so I could cuddle into her and close my eyes. I had asked my social worker to speak to Mr Psychiatrist about a small amount of sedation like 2mg Lorazepam but he refused saying that I had to experience a panic attack without masking it with medication and realise it wasn’t going to kill me. I sort of understand where he is coming from, and because I can now get the bus back from the looney bin which is like 2 hours away he thinks my agoraphobia is pretty much gone. He doesn’t seem to get that I can only do that route now because I did it with sedation the first few times and now that it has become familiar to me it no longer scares me.

Big scary hospital on the other hand is not a route I am familiar with and so I hoped he would prescribe something for the first attempt at getting there, but he said no. I do have a little stash, as most of us mentalz do, I’ve got a couple of lorazepam from a previous hospital visit, I’ve got my prescribed diazepam and I’ve got a couple of Zopiclone that I got off a friend. I have already told my social worker that I will self medicate to try and get myself there and she basically said there was nothing she could do to stop me but the most important thing is that I get to the appointment.

My psoriasis is now covering my elbows, my thighs, my knees and lower legs and little patches are now appearing on my hands and feet. If I go to the appointment and have to show it all to the dermatologist then I will also need to expose my “worst” self harm scars. This worries me a lot as well.

This morning I woke up and tried to use mindfulness to put me in a calm and positive frame of mind but instead I ended up being sick then having a panic attack just thinking about it. So I took some diazepam but it didn’t make the panic attack go away and then I was sick again. Then I ended up in tears because I was panicking so much and nothing was helping it and I hate being sick also so I decided that I was cancelling the appointment. I phoned best friend to see what she thought and her response was “but you need to at least try and do it” – how can I even try when I’m so fucking terrified?

Mum is away to big scary city an hour away visiting my Aunt to see how she is recovering before the chemo starts so I can’t phone her until tonight. I have to let her know tonight if I’m going to try and go or not as we will need to leave here shortly after 8am tomorrow morning. I tried to contact my social worker as well but I know she will say the same, that ultimately it’s up to me but I really need my skin looked at and some proper treatment prescribed. We have tried every single steroid cream possible and the next step is UV light treatment. Which will mean regular trips to big scary hospital. But will it still be big scary hospital after I have done it once? Will I be able to do it with less/no sedation the 2nd or 3rd time once it’s familiar?

I really don’t know what to do. Every time I think about it I end up in a complete mess and I don’t want to mess anyone around in the morning. I need to decide that I am going to give it a shot or decide I am cancelling the appointment. I am scared that if I go in social worker’s car that even though I would be with two people I trust more than anything, I would be stuck in the back with no door to escape out of and once I’m in the car she could just keep driving and take me there even if I was hysterical.

I really, truly do not know what to do. I don’t think I am brave enough to try but then I look at my body and know I can’t go on like this. Why the fuck do I need to stay in such a rural area where we can’t even have a dermatologist outpatient clinic? I am so so scared and my mind is racing at 100 miles an hour back and forth, back and forth, can I do it? No I cant… Yes I can…. No I can’t. I need to make a decision and stick with it but I don’t even think I can do that. I want the easy way out – phone and cancel, but I also want my skin to heal.

Ugh I just do not know what to do.

14:43 – So freaking scared

5 Apr

I have my CPA meeting in just over an hour. My Mum is picking me up in an hour. I am still not dressed and am so fucking scared about going. The anxiety is ridiculously bad at the moment, my stomach is churning, I feel sick, my palms are sweating, I’m roasting hot and my heart seems to be beating super fast. I have taken my morning Citalopram and Quetiapine, I have also taken 20mg Diazepam but so far nothing is bringing the panic down. I really really do not want to go to it.

As far as I know the only people going are myself, the social worker, the community addictions nurse, the psychiatrist and my Mum. I think someone from a&e has also been invited but have no idea if anyone will come. I hate speaking about the voices in front of so many people, my Mum still doesn’t even know about getting my legs stitched up or me writing stuff about Satan all over me with a knife. What the fuck is she/they going to think when she hears it all?

I’m completely bricking myself here, all the excuses as to why I can’t go are zooming around my head, I want to just let them all go do it without me but I know I need to be there. I know there’s no getting out of it, no matter how bad the anxiety feels I have to face this.

I spoke to the addictions nurse on the phone yesterday afternoon just to touch base with her before this meeting and to apologise for not attending any appointments in the past month. I told her my head has been crazy; she used to be a psych nurse before she starting working for the addictions team. She encouraged me to turn up today and suggested I wrote down the key things I wanted to get sorted out but my head is totally blank.

So far all the sheet of paper says is ‘I can’t handle appointments’

I really don’t know if I’m going to make it there today.


19:54 – Fucking nurses

29 Mar

I had to go up to the hospital A&E department today to have my stitches taken out. I had a friend with me at the hospital who knew I was getting stitches out because of self harm. So he sat in the waiting room while I went through. It was the same nurse that I saw on both Friday and Sunday. When she was taking the stitches out she saw I had cut some words on my skin, I did as Satan asked last night and wrote various phrases. It was only shallow, just scratches.

She asked me if the CMHT had been in touch with me and told me she definitely left an answer phone message on Sunday night. I told her that no they hadn’t phoned. She said she was going to get dressings for my leg and would be back in a minute. One minute turned to five, I started feeling anxiety sweep over me, my head started screaming “just put your jeans and shoes on and get the fuck out of here” but I felt physically frozen with fear. I got my phone out my bag and text my friend in the waiting room telling him I was scared as the nurse had been away for ages and I was beginning to panic as I didn’t know what was going on. Another five minutes passes and the nurse comes back. She tells me she has just phoned the CMHT, she hoped I didn’t mind but she was concerned about me, and a couple of people would be over shortly to see me. I felt myself completely tense up then asked her to get my friend and let him sit with me.

He came in and I quickly told him that someone was coming over to talk to me and that he had to tell them that he was going to stay with me tonight because I was terrified I wasn’t coming home but going up to the psych hospital again. Within minutes these two men appear and the nurse asks me if I want her to come in as well. I say yes please. I don’t think I have met these people before but one of the men tells me he has met me once before. The other tells me he is a nurse. A CPN I assume. They ask how I am feeling, I tell them fine. They ask my friend how he thinks I am. He says he thinks I am fine. My friend then tells them he is going to stay with me for the next few days to keep an eye on me. He isn’t, but these words seem to make them happy.

They bring out a copy of my crisis plan and ask me if I want a copy for tonight, I say no thank you. I know what is written on it. They tell me they are aware I haven’t attended any of my appointments for several weeks. I nod my head to confirm this is the case. They ask me if I will attend an appointment tomorrow with one of them and my social worker. And then they ask my friend if he will come as well. He agrees. I agree. The nurse asks if he has a commitment from me that I won’t put myself in any danger tonight. I nod my head. He says I can go. I leave the hospital and can breathe again.

My friend came back here for a little while and says he will come down at noon tomorrow so that gives us half an hour to get to the appointment. I apologised to him for dragging him into my mentalness but he said it was OK. He said several times that I had better open my door to him tomorrow and go to the appointment or I’m going to end myself back up in hospital. I told him I will never go back to that hospital.

Anyway, now my head is going a million miles an hour and I want to cut badly, I need to get all this pent up craziness out of me but I know I can’t cut deep because I can’t end up at the hospital again and arghhh it’s all just frying my brain.

I just want to be left alone, I feel intimidated and scared because I know if I put one foot wrong they will take control of things again and that cannot happen.

Completely off topic, I noticed this which was nice: http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/best-bipolar-blogs#3

The writer says:

Reading My Crazy Bipolar Life is like peeking into a private diary that holds the open-hearted tale of a rollercoaster life. Inside you discover the thoughts and feelings, successes and failures, and predicaments and positive experiences of a woman with bipolar disorder, winding her way through life with mental illness.

Readers with bipolar disorder no doubt find a kindred spirit here, along with the reassurance that comes with knowing they are not alone. For those without a diagnosis, reading this blog is an educational glimpse into the world of life with bipolar disorder.


08:07 – Well they didn’t come…

12 Jan

… The police that is. I was left alone in peace even though I’ve still not really slept as I kept wakening up and having to check the door was definitely triple locked. I’ve been crying a lot during the night, I feel so low and so fucking useless. I don’t even know if I definitely wanted to die I just want to be wherever my baby is so badly. Telling them I was going to go and sleep in mud and rain in a graveyard all night, swallowing pills, blurring everything out, running away from hospitals, phoning my parents and announcing that I am yet again in hospital, sitting in a room with CPN woman and my mum and telling them both I’m going to go and die – these are all the things my body and mind seem to be driving me into doing. And I don’t understand why – I don’t understand why I’m feeling or behaving in this way. This surely isn’t the behaviour of a 30 year old woman?

Deep down I’m terrified; I don’t want this life. But then the same question comes up “who can change your life?” and I know the only answer is me. Do I want to change it? Definitely. Do I feel in control of it? No. And that’s the part which scares me, I am not in control. I’ve lost control. The New Year was supposed to be a new start, no hospital admissions, no substance abusing, nothing but 100% focus on getting better.

I just keep seeing things telling me they are signs and those signs are too powerful to resist. I give in to them and let them convince me that I should do what they ask, or that I should believe their signs to be true. And even if I have doubt over a sign it doesn’t matter because I know in the end I will go and explore it just in case it is the one sign that does matter.

Well the police didn’t come and cart me off but even I know if I can’t get a grip on my life very soon then the men in the white coats will be…


10:38 – And how do you feel today MCBL?

10 Jan

Well I’ve been awake for a few hours and I still feel fucked. I think I got more than a couple of hours sleep but my head aches and I probably only slept one or two hours undisturbed each time. I can feel temptation lurking at the back of my mind, trying to drive me into doing something.

I am supposed to be seeing CPN at 1pm but I really cannot be fucked with listening to all the areas where I didn’t use my crisis plan and what bits I could have used to avoid all of yesterday. Fair enough, she will make some valid points, but equally she isn’t me and doesn’t walk in my shoes. And sometimes things are just too fucking advanced to even know what my crisis plan is.

My little bag remains packed on the floor next to me with 3 tops, 1 pair of pj’s, a pair of jeans and some underwear. I have no money at all but feel the need to be with my angel so the plan of today is to pop in and see what CPN is going to annoy me with then walk to the little one’s stone and sit with him while I take my stash. I genuinely don’t want another person who is at the cemetery paying their respects to be the ones to find me but hopefully by then it will be raining even harder so no one will be around.

How do I feel today? Well, I don’t know what I hope to achieve by doing this. Is it death? Yes quite possibly. Is it the need to be somehow close to my angel? Yes. Is it because I believe the signs? Yes. Have I seen any more signs? Two, one of which is questionable even I can admit. Why the fuck haven’t I just done it all yet? Because part of me is scared. The last time I took a serious OD I was not far from death and I could hear numbers and words that made me know things were getting serious. And I’m scared of going through that again, I’m scared I think I’ve taken enough but haven’t and end up in that horrible trapped place in the middle of life and death.

I really don’t know which way to turn now.