My Story

2011 Best Psychosis Blog

Shortlisted for Best Mood Disorder blog 2012

 

 

I started writing this blog in December 2009 and chose the name My Crazy Bipolar Life as back then I still hadn’t found a medication that would keep me stable, my life was pretty chaotic and my moods were all over the place. I have always found writing things down to be somewhat therapeutic, it really helps me to express myself better than I ever could vocally. I set this up as a place for me to rant and moan, to remember happy times, to help myself recognise what was going on in my life and what was affecting my moods. I couldn’t imagine not having this bit of anonymous cyber space now, and I’m really glad that it has helped me find other people who can relate to the same things as me.

I’m a 31 year old single female from Scotland and my main diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder. Along with that I also struggle with Psychosis, Agoraphobia, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety, Depression and Self Harm.

I have been self harming since the age of 13 due to sexual abuse and spent about a year with the CAMHS team back then. Around the age of 21 or 22 I became involved with adult mental health services (the CMHT), this was initially for depression and anxiety then with that the self harming returned. My agoraphobia developed around 8 years ago and my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder was made in February 2009. The complex PTSD is mainly a result of childhood abuse and trauma, as well as having a stillborn baby in 2007. The psychosis became a real problem in 2010 when I was hearing voices instructing me to end my life and I ended up detained under the mental health act twice (each one for 28 days) during Nov 2010 and Feb 2011.

In August 2012 I was the victim of a sexual assault where I had my drink spiked. This led me to making contact with a rape crisis charity and as our work has unfolded I have also realised that I still have many issues that haven’t been dealt with since the sexual abuse I suffered as a child.

Right now I am trying to begin my recovery but it will be a long process. I hope one day to read this blog from beginning to end and be really proud of how far I have come!

If you want to read it from the start click HERE for the very first post and just keep pressing the arrow keys at the bottom of each page to work your way through! Be warned though – as of October 2013 there are now over 800 blog posts to work your way through!!

** A little update as of October 2013 **

Current medications:

1. 750mg Quetiapine (Seroquel) per day
2. 30mg Mirtazapine (Remeron) per day
3. 16mg Diazepam (Valium) per day
4. Lorazepam (Ativan) in emergencies

Meds that I have tried over the years, some just as PRN’s and some for longer periods of time – mix of antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilisers and those for anxiety [in no particular order]:

1. Olanzapine
2. Haloperidol
3. Trazadone
4. Amisulpride
5. Sertraline
6. Prozac
7. Citalopram
8. Venlafaxine
9. Largactil
10. Reboxetine
11. Lyrica
12. Lamictal
13. Sodium Valproate
14. Gabapentin
15. Nitrazepam
16. Buspar
17. Zopiclone
18. Zolpidem
19. Oxazepam
20. Promethazine

That’s all that I can think of just now but there are probably more!

People I might talk about on here:

1. My lovely parents who live a couple of miles away from me and have been a constant support!
2. My best friend who has seen me at my worst, seen me at my best, visited me when I’ve been detained and given me two beautiful little boys that I call my ‘nephews’
3. Lovely GP – I have been seeing this particular GP since 2009 I think. Despite being the first person to ever detain me, she is lovely, easy to talk to, very fair and never ever judgemental. I usually see her every 2-4 weeks.
4. Lovely social worker – I worked with her lots but mainly from 2009-2011. She is probably single-handedly the best person I have ever worked with. I could write 100 reasons why she is so lovely! Unfortunately our relationship broke down a bit over 2012 but I still class her as the best professional I’ve ever worked with!
5. Lovely support worker – I have been working with her since August 2012 when I was sexually assaulted and contacted the rape crisis charity. Through our sessions it has become clear I had many unresolved issues from the childhood sexual abuse I experienced as well. I see her on a weekly basis and slowly but surely I am getting better at expressing verbally what I feel emotionally.
6. The psychologist – I worked with her quite a lot in 2010 but was in and out of the psych hospital that often that it seemed to make more sense to put our sessions on hold. I couldn’t concentrate on them anyway. I have been back on the waiting list to see her since May 2013 and hopefully will start working with her again soon.
7. Mr Psychiatrist – The main psychiatrist who was involved with my care up until early 2013. I can’t say I ever exactly ‘got on’ with him but he was consistent and paid attention to what I had to say. He tried just about every medication he could with me, detained me when he thought I was a danger to myself and took no nonsense either! He retired earlier this year.
8. New Psychiatrist – Have met him twice so far – the first meeting resulted in me sending in a letter of complaint about him. The second time I took lovely support worker with me and she agreed the appointment was pretty useless. I’m due to see him again October 30th (must remember to come back here then and update this bit!)
9. CPN#2 – I have had five CPN’s over the past 10 years. The first two were great and I stabilised out a little bit so had some time away from the CMHT – this was some years before my Bipolar Diagnosis was made. After my Bipolar Diagnosis was made in Feb 2009 I worked mainly with lovely social worker and the psychologist for a couple of years. When I was given my first new CPN to work with (in 2011 I think it was), she was utterly useless in every sense of the word. When she left, I began seeing a new CPN (CPN#2) for a few months and whilst she wasn’t great she was better than the one before! Then I got my 3rd CPN who I just couldn’t work with either and was so glad after a few months that she announced she was leaving. Then they decided to bring CPN number 2 back hence why I refer to her as CPN#2 in my posts and it is she that I am working with again now!
10. A&E staff – I live in a very rural area with a small Accident & Emergency department so I know nearly all of the doctors and nurses who work there. Most of them have treated me at one time or another, mainly for self harm wounds but also for overdoses and times of extreme anxiety where I have tried to seek help before hurting myself. Due to the rural area I live in we don’t have any ‘out of hours’ mental health people or ‘crisis teams’.

So I think that’s quite enough of an update for now! Must remember to come back in a couple of months and make any changes needed (although I said that last time and forgot to update for nearly two years!!)