Just after writing my last post my phone started to ring. It was a friend.
Somewhere in the conversation I decided to tell friend about the voices coming back and about the lack of medication taken recently. I failed to mention the experimentations of the magical potions that have played a part in the recent weeks. I haven’t taken any magical potions since Saturday and have absolutely no intentions of taking any more, not after all the sickness that went alongside the magic.
Anyway…. friend was concerned about the skipping medications stuff and made me promise to take my medications immediately. I took them there and then whilst on the phone. After that, friend asked why I hadn’t been taking my medications?
I explained part of me doesn’t feel like I need them and part of me just genuinely forgets. I told friend I was sad that by missing a few days medication the voices had returned and I had thought that after all this time the medications might have killed them all permanently. But they are still there. Just stop the medications for a few days and out of nowhere they are back.
I told friend that I felt very much like self harming because I think that is what it will take to make Sasha shut up, as all she seems to want is to see me punished in some way or another. She has a certain commanding tone about her.
Friend told me if I didn’t take my medications I would end up very ill and mentioned the big scary H word (hospital).
I argued I would never go back to that place.
Friend told me in a firm and rational manner exactly what would happen: I would end up self harming badly and end up in A&E. The nurses would ask why I did it. I would tell them I did it because either Sasha told me/encouraged me to or mention something about Berry giggling all the time. The nurses would think I need to speak to a mental type person about this and then find out I’ve not been in touch with CPN#2 in like 8 weeks. This could lead to them making the decision that I either must: stay with someone and have them keep an eye on me and make sure I take my meds – or – a stay in the bin for as long as is deemed necessary.
So since that conversation on Tuesday I’ve taken Tuesdays, Wednesdays and this morning (Thursday) medications correctly.
There have been no magical potions added in. No magical potions touched since Saturday.
My head has started to quieten down. Berry has now stopped giggling so much. I don’t know if that’s good or bad as there was something about little Berry I kinda liked. I don’t know if the medications will make her disappear or if she’ll be stronger than them and stick around.
The only bit of noise in my head is Sasha. She is still here and continues to offer me ‘warnings’ that I should listen to and take seriously. She frightens me a little bit as she has an element of control about her and I don’t take too well to things being taken out of my control. I thought at first that Sasha was Berry’s mother but now I’m not so sure. Neither of them are constant, they don’t get into conversations with me, they don’t answer my questions, I can’t see them I can only hear them… they just appear when they fucking want to tell me something/several things then disappear again.
What saddens me is the realisation that even the maximum dosage of Quetiapine is just a band aid/elastoplast. As soon as that band aid is taken away my head goes straight back to that place of hearing all sorts of weird and wonderful things. And some pretty awful things. The voices haven’t really gone away they are just silenced by the Quetiapine. Even after all this time, deep down they are still there. Even when I’m not hearing them it’s purely because the Quetiapine is silencing them.
And that makes me pretty sad.
I can cope with little snippets from Sasha and the occasional giggle from Berry but no way could I cope with full time, full on, constant head noise again. But underneath it all… it’s all still there.