Tag Archives: panic

14:03 – New beginnings?

21 Nov

Approximately 18 months ago I applied for a housing transfer through my local council. I had become absolutely miserable in this flat and when my agoraphobia is really bad I get so anxious I find it incredibly difficult to leave to walk down the communal stairs past my neighbours doors to get outside. This means that I sometimes have to rely on my parents or friends to come and walk the dogs for me or live on takeaway food delivered to me. I also get super paranoid because I have neighbours through each wall to either side of me as well as someone below me and someone above me so I feel like I’m boxed right in the middle. The professionals I was working with at the time supported my application as did my parents who all believed that if I just had my own front door it would help a great deal with me being able to leave the house easier. There are some other factors as well but if I go into them all this will turn into a super long ramble and I have to be at my appointment with lovely support worker in 45 minutes.

On Monday I received a letter from the council telling me they had a property that was vacant that they believed would be suitable for me and were giving me an official offer. It came completely out of the blue and I read the letter with a mix of excitement and then huge panic. The letter asked for me to phone them to arrange a viewing and see whether or not I wanted to accept the transfer. So on Tuesday my Mum came and picked me up and we met the housing officer at the little house. It’s about 2 miles away from where I live just now and is just a little one bedroom bungalow with a little garden and is literally 5 minutes walk to my parents house and 5 minutes walk to the hospital where the mental health team are. It’s on a quiet street which has houses with families on the one side and a row of little one bedroom bungalows on the other side which I think mainly house elderly people. This is ideal for me as my flat is right in the town area of where I live which means it’s always noisy with traffic, people in the communal stairwell coming and going, drunk people passing by after the pubs on the weekends, etc etc.

So we viewed the little house and it’s pretty dated and old fashioned looking on the inside, it badly needs redecorating but has a front door and back door with a small garden that my little dogs would love playing in. The garden is all enclosed with a fence so they would be safe. I tried to look past the dated decor and imagine how I could make it look to make it homely. But after only ten minutes the housing officer said she had to get to another appointment and that we’d need to leave so I don’t feel like I got to see the place properly and I can’t make a decision of permanently living there on ten minutes of viewing. The council then said I had to give a decision within 48 hours maximum (the form actually says 24 hours). So now I find myself in a bit of a situation. I don’t think I could be offered anything better as a transfer, the location is ideal like I say it’s really close to my parents, I don’t really have any neighbours super close to worry about, it’s quiet and peaceful, the dogs would have a garden to play in and I guess it’s a clean slate, a place to start afresh from.

But I have been in this flat for seven and a half years. It has a huge amount of memories associated with it, some good but some very very bad. Sometimes I get these little flashes in front of my eyes where I just look at a particular part of a room and all these memories flood through my head and can leave me feeling quite fucked up. I have, on a couple of occasions, self harmed just from memories around me and making me feel so trapped in here like I can never escape from them. And this new little house would be somewhere with no bad memories, no feeling trapped, somewhere to start creating memories in. My parents really want me to take it because they would feel so much better knowing I was just a few minutes walk from them and most of me wants to accept it as well. But as soon as I go to sign the acceptance form I get a massive release of anxiety completely overwhelming me. Mum says it’s just because it’s a big change and a new place that’s unfamiliar to me but that if I just go for it and get it looking homely that I will settle into it in no time. And I think she is probably right but I can’t stop thinking of all the ‘what ifs’ and the thought of having to pack all my possessions up and let removal guys into my flat and having to contact tonnes of companies and services to notify them of change of address, getting phone line and internet moved, gas and electric moved, just loads of shit like that makes me panic about it all. Like seriously bad waves of anxiety, strong enough to make me think I just can’t do this and I should just stay here no matter how much I hate it.

So the council have agreed to let me have a second viewing which is tomorrow at 2pm. I have to give them a definite decision by 4pm tomorrow. The property is currently lying empty so I assume it would be fairly quick to get the keys. I also have my two final essays for these modules I’m doing on my home based uni course due in the next two weeks so how I am supposed to study for them and write 2 x 2000 word essays as well as packing all my stuff up and moving to the new place, get it redecorated and everything all at once I just don’t know. They say one of the most stressful things is moving house and they aren’t wrong. When I moved in here I hardly had anything, just the very basics and it took a while to add in my appliances and furniture and stuff. I lived for the first couple of years with loads of second hand stuff but now over the last five years have replaced everything to new stuff. And I have a lot of stuff to move, in fact I think I have more stuff than the little bungalow can take as it didn’t seem to have much storage and the rooms are quite small. Maybe I’ll just have to throw a lot of stuff out that I don’t use/need any longer.

So yeah, tomorrow I have to make my definite decision and I am absolutely terrified. I keep having panic attacks and barely slept last night because I felt so anxious it was keeping me awake. I don’t know whether to accept it and take the chance that new beginnings would be a good idea and trust what my parents are saying that I will settle in and it will feel like home once I’ve got it looking how I want it to… or whether to listen to the anxiety and just stay here and not have to face any changes. I have written a list of pros and cons for moving and the pros far outweigh the cons but I am just so fucking scared of change/being somewhere unfamiliar and not knowing how I will adjust to it.

I’d better go as my appointment is in 20 minutes but I will post back tomorrow once I’ve had my second viewing by which time the decision will be made. Am I really ready to say goodbye to all those memories and move on to somewhere new? I don’t know if I have the strength. I’m scared, terrified in fact, but something at the back of my head is saying to me that this could be the best decision I ever make to get away from here and start again. What to do? I just don’t know…


22:09 – 1st night in a bed in 10 months?

19 Dec

Just a short post as I’m shattered… It has been an exhausting few days…

On Monday I had to move everything out of the living room and into the bedroom. I slept on my six foot leather bean bags with both doggies curled in next to me. And I wrote my previous blog post which was quite a depressing read but something that I am still stuck in a little habit of doing.

Tuesday the guys came with my lovely new flooring for the living room and kitchen area. Then when my Mum finished work she came down and helped me move all my living room furniture back in… and then we had to move everything from the bedroom into the living room as well as the guys were coming back today to lay the bedroom carpet. After it was done this afternoon my Mum came down again and helped me move all the bedroom stuff back into the bedroom. So here I am sitting in my living room which no longer has sheets of mdf as flooring but a lovely dark wood effect floor and huge big rug in the middle of the room. It feels cosy and it looks so much nicer.

However the test is going to be whether or not I can get past the psychological block of the bedroom, if I can go in there and lie in that bed and not start hearing excessive whispers and giggles in my head, not start experiencing visual hallucinations or have memories and flashbacks flooding back into my head… and everything else that sent my head bonkers being in that room before. It’s been ten long months that I have slept on a two seater sofa for and ten long months of no proper flooring down in my flat and now I have a warm carpeted bedroom, a bed that’s been cleared and cleaned and all nice new bedding put on. Am I going to be able to sleep in there tonight without going crazy? I will be so disappointed if I begin to panic and end up running back to sleep on the sofa in the living room.

It’s also going to be weird because my little doggies have always slept where I sleep. But because I have got carpet in the bedroom I don’t want it getting ruined with dog hair and also don’t want to take the chance of one of them having an accident on my lovely new floor! So, I have laid their big double duvet out on the big bean bag and will soon tuck them both in for the night. I am really really tired and I think I’ll be able to fall asleep quickly so long as I can relax and not get super anxious once I’m actually in the bedroom. I want to break this psychological barrier that’s been built up, I want to stay in this flat and be happy in it, but there are quite a few things I’m going to have to try and overcome to make that happen.

Is this going to be the first night in almost a year where I sleep in a bed? I’ll let you know tomorrow…

Goodnight folks xx

13:06 – Well that was a surprise!

18 Jul

I have been wanting a kitten for months now but there have been none for sale/free to good homes in my area the whole time I’ve been looking. A couple of days ago I saw a little black cat called Tiff who is 15 months old but her owner was no longer able to keep her. Now – she isn’t a kitten which I wanted, she is pure black when I wanted a tabby or tortoiseshell, and her owner lived down one of the big scary roads that I haven’t attempted in years. The round trip was about 100 miles.

Something made me want Tiff and I phoned the owner and explained my situation about the agoraphobic stuff, to my surprise her husband suffered from it as well! So she completely understood and instantly I felt the pressure on me drop. I told her I was going to try and get there and set off with best friend and her two little kids in tow, I took only a small amount of Diazepam and plugged my iPod into my stereo so I could listen to music whilst I was feeling OK, but change it to the mindfulness tracks when I started panicking. We had one episode that lasted about 20 minutes where I had to keep the woman just telling me how to breathe, if anyone had looked at me they would have thought I was in labour as my full focus was on my breath.

But it worked! And eventually we got there! And because I made it there and back I no longer feel like the massive huge failure I felt for not being able to get to the dermatologist on Monday.

So before I go I just have one last thing to say and that is – meet Tiff! – I need to take a better photo of her but I interrupted her cleaning routine to get this photo so I’ll wait ’til she is curled up later. And the best thing is she has been in a house with dogs so she will come and sit on my knee and let the dogs play with her. She is starting to come out of her shell now and I think she’s going to be really happy here!

Hi I’m Tiff!


15:29 – When you just want to run and hide til everything is better

13 Jun

It’s been a while since I last wrote anything. In a way I feel as though I’ve lost the ability to express myself – my head feels all over the place at the moment as there is so much going on.

Everything was going good and I was feeling quite positive about enrolling on the college short course that I want to do. I had an appointment with the psychiatrist a week ago (last Wednesday). He was really happy to hear me talking positively about the future and for the first time in a very long time I was able to tell him that whilst I am still hearing voices they are not distressing me at the moment. I told him it’s like I’ve become so used to them that it’s easier now to just let them be there and not pay attention to them. They aren’t saying anything bad about me or to me, so that is good.

I’m now on 500mg a day of Quetiapine and feel like it’s a good dose for me at the moment. I can go up to 750mg but I’d rather stick at this dose so that I know I have room to increase should I need it. My psychiatrist is retiring at the beginning of September so I have my last appointment with him in August, but we have another CPA meeting on July 5th which he will be at. He told me they haven’t recruited a new consultant psychiatrist yet so right now no one knows if it will be male or female or anything like that.

It was a busy day last Wednesday. As well as seeing the psych I also had an appointment with my CPN who I’m starting to like. It’s a shame that she is only on a temporary contract but I’m getting used to people coming and going. It would be good to have proper consistency but where I live is a rural area and not many people (professionals) seem to stick around for the long term. The appointment with her was good, she was really happy to hear I have decided which course I’m going to study and that I had checked I can do the course and still receive my benefit money. It’s only a 15 week short course from August until December but in January I can study a couple of modules through home learning until the next course starts in the August again.

I also had my appointment to have my x-rays done on my right knee. I phoned the GP surgery a little while ago to see if the results were back and the receptionist said they were back and marked as ‘no action required’. Argh, frustrating! How can it be so sore, locking and clicking and giving way on me yet nothing showed up on the xray? My GP did say that she thinks I may have Psoriatic Arthritis which generally doesn’t show on xrays in the early stages but sent me for the xrays anyway to rule out other forms of arthritis.

“In the very early stages of the disease, X-rays usually do not reveal signs of arthritis and may not help in making a diagnosis. In the later stages, X-rays may show changes that are characteristic of psoriatic arthritis but not found with other types of arthritis, such as the “pencil in cup” phenomenon where the end of the bone gets whittled down to a sharp point. Changes in the peripheral joints and in the spine support the diagnosis of psoriatic arthritis. However, most of the changes occur in the later stages of the disease.”

She put me onto Tramadol and paracetamol for the pain. But they were making me feel more sick so I stopped taking them. Even if I take Omeprazole with them I still feel sick. Now unfortunately my GP is on holiday this week and next week so I will either have to wait a couple of weeks to discuss it further or go and see one of the other two doctors, neither of whom I like or find helpful.

Apart from my sore knee joint I need to go and see a GP anyway, I have been really unwell since Saturday and haven’t eaten for five days now. I have a complete loss of appetite and am just taking little sips of sugary drinks to keep me from feeling faint. But I am constantly nauseous and when I try to eat anything I just throw up so for the past few days I just haven’t bothered to try and eat.

I think the sickness and loss of appetite could all be anxiety related. I am experiencing a lot of panic attacks at the moment and am barely sleeping. I keep having really intense dreams/nightmares and waking up every couple of hours in a mess. My body is so used to taking Diazepam on a daily basis that it doesn’t even help the anxiety anymore (unless I take about 4 times my prescribed amount). Where has the anxiety come from? Well I got some really bad news on Friday. A close family member has just been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She is going into hospital tomorrow for a complete hysterectomy and lymph node removal. Everyone in my small family is rallying around to be there for her and all I can do is send texts and make phone calls because of the fucking agoraphobia. I feel so useless and I want to be there for her as the next few months are going to be so tough. After the operation tomorrow she will soon be starting on chemotherapy. She is a mess, her husband is a mess, my parents are a mess, my Gran is a mess, her children are a mess… no one can quite take it all in. They can all be there for her in person, they can visit her in hospital and at home. I can’t. I am pathetic that this phobia has taken over so much of my life in the past six or so years. I feel like I’ve turned myself into a bit of an outcast from the rest of my family, I only see them when they come here to visit me. I saw my CPN earlier today and she is so optimistic that I will overcome the agoraphobia but I’m so terrified of it that I can’t ever see me being free of it.

So that’s everything that’s been happening. Life is feeling pretty shit at the moment and I’m struggling massively to deal with the high levels of anxiety I’m experiencing. A week ago I was feeling so positive and now all I want to do is escape from it all. How selfish of me to say that when someone so close to me is so ill. Deep down I think I’m terrified that something bad could happen and all the family will need to pull together and I won’t be able to. If I feel this stressed and anxious, God only knows how she must be feeling as she is the one who has a big operation to go through tomorrow and months of chemo afterwards.

I just want everything to be OK again. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take away her horrible diagnosis. I wish I could magic away my anxiety. I wish I would stop being sick every day. I wish I could sleep properly. I wish the pain in my knees would stop.

Hopefully in the next couple of days we will know how far the cancer has spread and I’m praying they have caught it early. Everything is so stressful right now that I just want to run away and hide until someone can say to me that everything is going to be OK.

10:50 – looney bin

10 Sep

Well guys I know I said I was having a break from blogging but stuff has happened so thought I’d fill you in. Wednesday I was taking diazepam throughout the day – not with the intention to off myself – just for some peace. Thursday I was a mess, a big mess. I bought diazepam took 30x10mg and a box of 8 promethazine. Social worker told parents to go to my flat. I was then taken to local hospital then ambulanced to main hospital. Had psych liaison assessment then was ambulanced 3 hours to where I am now – the looney bin. Not sectioned as yet, that awaits me on Monday morning. So that’s where I’m at, who knows how long for this time round. Very very upset and extremely anxious. Want out of here and fast.

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