11:21 – your baby is dead

19 Jan

My head is pickled. I have no money at all and i mean none. I constantly hear baby cries. I asked to speak to a nurse yesterday because i was in such a mess. I told her i need to be with my baby again. She very bluntly said “your baby is dead”. That just upset me even more. She said to me that even if i die i won’t be with him again. How the fuck does she know? I phoned my mum last night. Mum has decided tough love is now the answer. “I’ve tried for a year to be supportive, I’ve tried to help you, the nurse is right the baby is dead and its time to move on” she said. The baby? That is her one and only grandchild she has. She then said that her and my dad fully know im going to kill myself and whilst they love me they know they can’t stop me. I cried down the phone for the whole conversation. My baby is dead. I’ve just to deal with it. I hate this place and all i can think about is going to find somewhere i can hang myself. I’ve already tried to strangle myself and taken an overdose since coming in here on Monday i need out i need a walk i need to go and throw myself off something high or under a car. I need to be with my baby and that is the end of it. They can all go fuck themselves none of them will ever understand.

11 Responses to “11:21 – your baby is dead”

  1. Pandora January 19, 2012 at 11:59 #

    I’m almost wordless here. How horrible for them to speak to you like that hun 😦 *hugs*

    Why can’t the nurse do something useful and refer you for specialist child-loss bereavement therapy? I’m not saying it would necessarily work, but it might be worth attempting – and at the very least it would be a fuck of a lot less bullshitty than being so brutal with you about your baby boy.

    Anyway. I don’t know what I’m on about. I just know that I care about you and that I hate that you’re having to go through this terrible time 😦

    Sending love and *hugs*, for what they’re worth. xxxxx

    • mycrazybipolarlife January 19, 2012 at 13:06 #

      That’s all i want – some counselling that’s specialist bereavement help but living in the middle of nowhere it seems near impossible to get such a thing. I really believe it would help me so much, i also think emdr therapy could be useful but its chicken and egg – you need to be stable to start it but i need it to help me get stable. I just feel so utterly low today and am working myself into a state of doing something stupid. Hugs back to you both xxx

  2. The Quiet Borderline January 19, 2012 at 12:10 #

    Speechless too.

    Please please reach out for the help you need and much deserve.

    Take care.

    Sending you hugs and support.

    The Quiet Borderline

  3. NullFuture January 19, 2012 at 13:01 #

    *sigh* I gotta be honest here and provide you with something to say in reply to “Your baby is dead”, trust me when I say what I’m about to say is very effective at putting across how stupid a statement like the one above is. It is;

    “No shit Sherlock”

    Feel free to tack on the end of that things like “Did you work that one out for yourself?” or “Congrats for stating the blindingly obvious”.

    Why say this? That your baby is dead is not something you dispute, the whole point is that you want to be with your baby. The link is mind bogglingly obvious. Stupid nurse. Oh, and as for there’s nothing after death, I remain firmly on the fence (I’ve too much vested in the concept to decide either way).

    Ok, it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t say something controversial n I wouldn’t blame you if you deleted it but I just wanna get it out there. Oh n I don’t say this kinda stuff out of a desire to be controversial, I just tend to say it.

    A mothers grief is a terrible thing, the link is usually strongest with the mother, that’s a socially accepted fact (and why we see mothers who don’t grieve as having something wrong with them). This is why your parents have, in their eyes, allowed things to go the way they have. They wish to stop because they see it’s not getting you anywhere. They are also right about not being able to stop you killing yourself, they don’t want you to, but ultimately it’s your decision, not theirs.

    So, think about this, you manage to kill yourself and are reunited with your baby in whatever is beyond. Then what? If this is possible then you’re concious of it, so what happens next? Time, in theory, passes but no-one gets older, you will be there for eternity with a baby, there will be no new experiences, no growing up, just a baby being a baby. Why? Because there’s no life experience there. I know it sounds harsh and believe me, I always wish people live to at least an age where they’ve managed to experience the full complexities of life, to the point where I fantasize about the possibility of taking from my years to add to theirs. Thing is that your baby is with you always, in your head, in your heart. With every breath you take, you, in theory, give life to them, every experience you have gives to them. Unfortunately this means to give them a full life you must live one yourself.

    Just my opinion

    • mycrazybipolarlife January 19, 2012 at 13:15 #

      I agree with some of what you said and i dont mind you saying anything controversial don’t worry. Your point about what would happen next if i do die? Well i guess i believe there is an afterlife and that’s where i would end up living. Your last line about having to live life it makes sense but its so bloody hard when you feel so low all the time. Thanks for commenting, you did make a few good points, i wasn’t looking for any sympathy vote just writing all the shit in my head. Take care x.

  4. misery January 19, 2012 at 16:57 #

    throwing yourself under a car or train will negatively affect someone else. though i feel bad for you and i dont want you to kill yourself i do hope you are not selfish enough to do this to some innocent person that has to live with it.

    • sanityisknocking January 20, 2012 at 01:44 #

      Wow. Way to add to her pressure by telling her she’s selfish.

      MCBL, I’m sorry to hear someone approached your baby in such a manner. I know that when people say offending things to me, I can handle it much better if I respond in the moment. Not necessarily going off the hook on them, but expressing and releasing that emotion in the moment. It’s the festering, I find, that adds to those suicidal urges and depressing thoughts.

      Ultimately, it does come down to you and you make the ultimate choice. That’s the scary part, isn’t it? I think you can live a life worth living, but it’s what you believe that is going to pull you through.

  5. MsLeftie January 19, 2012 at 18:22 #

    Obviously, a nurse who has not heard of the word empathy in her training, I would be hacked off as well if she said something like that to me. Pan is right perhaps a specialist bereavement service / counselling service that deals with the loss of a child is the way to go. x

  6. Ian January 19, 2012 at 18:47 #

    ‘the baby’ how selfish of you not to understand how difficult this is for your parents. Yes the ONLY grandchild so cruely taken from you and them, then to watch their ONLY daughter destroy herself piece by piece, helpless to prevent this self destruction. How difficult for them not to feel some resentment that this child which should have brought so much joy to you all has brought misery and pain.

    I dont aim to play the guilt card on you but dont for one minute think that your are the only one hurting.

    No we, they dont and never will fully understand the loss and hurt you feel but if you kill yourself Im sure you will take your parents very close to that point!

    Unfortunately as a man of science I do not hold your sense of an afterlife and I believe a life lost is one gone forever…I dont want you to go for ever 😦 and truely believe that you still have so much to live for and offer to us all. You may have a sense of piece but our lives would be shattered and there would for ever be an unfullfillable void!

    Please hold on xx

  7. Kate January 19, 2012 at 18:50 #

    Have you tried Cruse Scotland for free grief counselling ? http://www.crusescotland.org.uk/

  8. justdifficult January 19, 2012 at 22:12 #

    I agree with Pan and Kate mainly, though I think that some of the points that Null Future makes are very pertinent and long reaching.

    Please don’t kill yourself – but can you get an advocate http://www.siaa.org.uk working on your behalf to help you obtain focussed bereavement therapy – I think Kate’s idea of approaching Cruse is excellent: I wish my family had gone to them after Dad died the way he did – we are all still dealing with his death 16 years later (read my blog about how he died to get a ref here – awful.). I can’t help feeling as far as the MHT is concerned that having an advocate on your side would help you to forcefully explain that you need therapy to obtain stability; I get why they *think* that therapy can be destabilising – I don’t hear stuff or see stuff like you have, and even I found it disturbing because to really *go there* you have to be prepared to journey to places that you’d rather avoid in your head and heart. *BUT*, it really IS worth it, as long as you get a form of therapy that helps you come to terms with the death of your little boy.

    I agree that telling you he is dead is harsh and unnecessarily in your face; it’s not like you actually believe that the baby cries you hear are real – you know they aren’t. There is something about your form of grief that I recognise in my own experience of complex grief reaction – I think I’ve mentioned this before. When Dad died, which he shouldn’t have done, there were so many complications about his care, about what went wrong, suing the hospitals for years afterwards, that the normal passage of grief was totally interrupted. On top of that, Mum took up with a bastard two years after Dad died, and he did his best to totally destroy my relationship with my Mum and my sister – which I needed terribly badly for support. I was also being expected to be everything to everybody all the time because of people’s ideas about my future career as a musician. The whole gamut of issues set me up to feel like a total failure – I mean, I actually thought that it was quite wrong of me that I couldn’t cope with it all – how ridiculous is that?

    What you experienced with you son dying was also incredibly complicated emotionally – your fiance going off with someone else (who poached him from you), dealing with nearly full term stillbirth (totally beyond me how women get through such a tragedy like that), feeling betrayed by your mind, and not having been able to bond with your child, despite your body being ready to do so… your head must have been all over the place, and your body must have been primed with hormones. So your brain would have made the neural connections necessary for you to be a new mother – but this function was cut short by the tragedy that ensued. You had two deaths to deal with at that time – including the loss of your relationship with your child’s father. So, what I’m trying to write here is that I feel that your experiences thus far are totally horrific, but totally understandable given what happened to you. You definitely need specialist help for this; you can’t really deal with a situation like yours with a bog standard therapist – you need someone very experienced and very skilled; and you deserve this. I think Cruse would be very well placed to help you, and if you need help affording travel to and from a therapist, perhaps we can all get our heads together to see if we can research some charities who would be able to assist you financially to that end?

    As to your parents, in particular your mother, I think, despite this obvious insensitivity towards you, she sounds like she’s really very tired emotionally. It isn’t your fault that you are the way you are; and it isn’t your fault that she’s tired. It also isn’t right for anyone to be that stupid emotionally with their child. Two years ago, after a history of severe depression, a childhood friend of mine killed himself. His parents always worried they wouldn’t be able to stop him, and after a time they decided to withdraw a bit for their own sense of survival. It remains a bitter point; they will live their lives in the thought that if they’d just done more – just hung on a bit longer, he might still be there with them. And this brings me to my final point; your mother doesn’t mean what she’s saying to you – no parent ever really steps back to allow their child to hurt themselves like that. It just sounds like they don’t really understand what you need to attain stability or retain it. So, for now, the best thing you can do is to get what you need to survive this awful time and ignore what you parents say about it all. Get in touch with Cruse, and listen to what Null said: we keep people close to us by staying alive and remembering them. You need relief from holding this terrible grief back so that you can learn to live with this loss of yours. I won’t say that you ever “move on” or “get over” loss like that – but it is entirely possible to get used to living with it, and over time, the sense of grief does become less and less. You will always miss your son – of course you will! And it will at times bite you on the bum – often when you least expect it. But it can be managed with help, support and understanding.

    We all love you, and I send you my hugs and kisses, and hope that I haven’t said too much or gone too far with my take on your predicament. And as always: I think you are fucking amazing to be so candid about these things. Brave on you!

    X Clarissa


    http://www.siaa.org.uk – advocacy service for mental health

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