01:15 – Happy birthday to me

I have spent the past four hours studying so much my brain hurts. I am desperately trying to catch up especially as I have a super busy week ahead. In between appointments I also have to write a pretty intense essay about social policy and the effects these policies have on child poverty… plus for my other module we have a research task where we have been split into online groups and have to create a full wikipedia page on certain super specific topics… my job is to research the history of the topic which so far I know nothing about as I’m playing catch up. So I finally decided to take a breather and looked at the clock – it’s 1am – oh… it’s my birthday. The big 32. The day has finally arrived. As you may be able to tell I’m not particularly excited about it, in fact it just depresses me that it’s another year on and very little in my life has changed.

Anyways… onto the slightly more happy stuff… I decided to go out last night (well Saturday night) and in the end swapped my costume I’d bought that didn’t fit me with another girl so I ended up going out as a ‘sexy’ police officer. Now this was OK in the sense that it was a short black dress but I could wear black tights and hide the leg scarring… but the sleeves were pretty short and the arm scarring was super noticeable. I tried to cover it up with some fake tan but it didn’t work particularly well (nor did I do a very good job of applying it as I appear to be very orange and streaky today… thank fuck I didn’t put any on my face!) so yeah, I was a bit paranoid about that until one of the girls had a brain wave and remembered she had long black fishnet gloves so I was much much more comfortable once I had them on!

So we had quite a lot to drink whilst we were all getting ready and the girls I hadn’t met before were all really nice and a good laugh. The couple of girls who I was worried about seeing again after so many years who I didn’t get on with back in the day decided to do their own thing so everything worked out great! After consuming two bottles of rosy wine and a couple of vodka’s (yes that was just my drinks!) I went into the bathroom and discreetly took a few Diazepam. Now I do not condone nor recommend mixing benzodiazapines with alcohol, but you have to remember I have taken them every single day for three years so I do know my limits… I didn’t take an unsafe amount, just my usual prescribed dose, and I know how they effect me when mixed with alcohol. I would never ever ever say to someone who doesn’t know how they would be affected to do that as it can be a very bad combination!

Anyways… the mix of the wine, the vodka and the diazepam relaxed me… maybe a little too much! I felt like I didn’t have a care in the world as we went from pub to pub drinking more and more and more. I wasn’t all self conscious about what I was wearing… I wasn’t scared of all the people nor how busy the pubs were… even my usual paranoia was staying quiet and letting me relax and let my hair down… I even spoke to some new people that I’d never met before which I would never normally do! The girls I was out with were all in great spirits and we just seemed to laugh all night long and I tell you it was such a relief when I finally came home at 2am and flopped into bed with a big smile on my face that I’d actually done it – I’d gone out, I’d had fun, I hadn’t done anything crazy and nothing bad had happened 🙂

Of course when I woke up this morning I had a super sore head but then realised it was only 7.30am so got a big glass of water and a couple of paracetamol and went back to sleep. When I woke again at 11am I felt slightly more human and dragged myself out of bed to walk the dogs. Later in the afternoon I went out to my friend’s house to get my coat and some other bits I’d left there last night and we had a giggle remembering all the fun bits from the night before… I think I’m going to try and spend more time with them seeing as best friend has completely forgotten about me… plus one of the girls there also has some mental health problems and she is quite open about them when in a small group so I feel more like I fit in. The only problem is that the next night out they are planning is in a big scary city place and there is no chance whatsoever my agoraphobia will let me go there but they tend to go out once a month or something so I can go out with them the next time they go out locally.

So yeah, I’m really glad that I went now, I can’t remember the last time I had a proper night out, I think it was back in April when it was best friend’s birthday I’m not sure… I know it’s been a long long time and was well overdue though!

I need to get off to bed soon as my parents and my brother are meeting me at 12.30 and we’re going to a fancy posh restaurant for lunch. We have a table reserved for 1pm. I think that’s going to be the only highlight of my birthday as I will need to get back home for about 3/4pm and get a few hours of studying done.

Wednesday afternoon I have my 3rd appointment with the new psychiatrist which I’m dreading even though lovely support worker is coming with me… I just don’t seem to get along with him… this is a bit of a running thing for me…. don’t get on with my psychiatrist and don’t get on with cpn#2 either… thank god I have lovely support worker and lovely GP to balance things out a bit

Thursday afternoon I have cpn#2… enough said about that…

Friday my big essay is due (that I haven’t even started yet) and Saturday my research project is due (again, not started yet). So it’s going to be a busy week, plus my Grandma is coming to stay with my parents for the week from tomorrow til Friday so I will need to spend some time with her as well and also on Friday night me and my Mum are going to an event that I don’t really know how to describe… it’s a mix of a lights illuminations show and aerial performer (trapeze artist) and all outdoors so it’s going to be freezing but it should be fun… the tickets have sold out really fast so lots of people must be going.

So every spare minute I have this week will be studying, studying and more studying… therefore I may be quiet for a few days. I just hope I can deal with all the stresses of deadlines and stuff because unfortunately the self harm thoughts are still never far from my mind at the moment even when things are going OK and I really can’t afford to let myself have any sort of breakdown this week.

Right… it’s 1.26am… time for bed me thinks…

Goodnight folks x

23:45 – To go or not to go…

I must apologise in advance if I ramble more than usual but I’ve been drinking a really classy (yes that is sarcasm) drink for the past few hours called Dragon Soop. It is £2.99 per can (crazy overpriced shit) and I’m on can number 3 at the moment. The stuff is absolutely revolting, it tastes like paint stripper and is so heavily caffeinated and full of vodka it’s making my heart do crazy palpitations. However, I don’t like to waste things so carry on drinking it I shall…

Here it is in all it’s glory… not my photo, one I ‘borrowed’ from google because it’s too much effort to take a photo with my phone and hit upload…

Today I had an appointment with lovely support worker and I told her the truth, the full complete absolute truth about everything. She didn’t judge me, I think she could see how genuinely regretful I am about it all. She let me talk and listened to me moan about CPN#2 and said it sounds like CPN#2 is only willing to do things her way or no way. This got me to thinking – if I’m in and out of bad head places right now and there is even the slightest possibility I am heading towards a crisis – how can we do crisis prevention if I can’t fucking talk about how I feel? *insert angry, fed up, frustrated smiley here* I apologised AGAIN to lovely support worker for her being lumbered with all my crap and us still not managing to do any of the work that I’m actually going there to do because I just cannot focus on that right now.

Then after I left my appointment something possibly good happened… I got a text message inviting me out tomorrow night to a Halloween party that’s on in one of the pubs. There are a group of girls going, some of whom I know and get on with and unfortunately a couple that I don’t get on with at all but maybe I won’t need to speak to them much. So I went off in the search for a Halloween costume to wear (always difficult finding any outfit when specific parts of my body must be covered due to excess scarring) and also hard when I’m such a fat bastard at the moment and all the nice outfits are made for tiny people. Anyways, I finally found one that both fits and covers all the bits that need covered, but once I got home and tried it on I realised I’ve actually bought it in a size too big and the woman in the shop said that none of the costumes can be returned. Argh. However, with the help of some discreetly placed safety pins I think I’ll be able to pull it in a bit. Failing that I am going to wear a onesie with my hair in pigtails and ribbons, freckles drawn on my face and a dummy around my neck… I’d look like an absolute idiot but it would be sooo comfy!

So I felt kinda psyched up and happier at the thought of going out with some girls I haven’t seen for a while (that was until I realised everyone else that was going and how many of them I don’t get on with) so now I don’t know if I want to bother going. But I know if I don’t I will sit here tomorrow night all alone and feeling miserable, especially as best friend has now splashed a message on facebook asking who is all going out next weekend! I knew she would do this, say she couldn’t even afford to go for a fucking coffee for my birthday but manage to go for a night out next weekend when it’s her other friend’s birthday. And yeah, it pisses me off because I’ve never missed any of her birthdays yet it’s a different story when it’s mine *insert another pissed off frustrated smiley here*

Right now I’m unsure whether I’ll go out tomorrow night or not. One part of me says alcohol is a depressant and I’m already feeling depressed enough without adding to it (she says as she slurps her dragon soop)… I worry that even if I enjoy myself I will come home alone and the depression will kick in along with being drunk and that will lead to me doing something stupid. And I can’t allow myself to do anything stupid because I must be able to paint on a smile and go for a nice lunch with my family on Monday. Then again I think if I do go out I might be surprised, I might get on OK with the other girls, I might actually have a good laugh (they are pretty wild!) and maybe come home with a genuine albeit drunken smile on my face, fall into bed and giggle to myself as I think about the night’s antics.

Who knows what way it will go?

The good thing is that I live within walking distance of the pub so I could always go along and if it’s crap just make up some excuse to leave and come home early rather than staying out til we get chucked out at 2am then stand around the kebab shop talking drunken shite to random people for another hour before finally staggering home. The friend who invited me along is also using the “you never know, you might find mr right on saturday night!” line … although I think I’d find it slightly disturbing if any guy found me attractive in either of the two costumes I would be wearing!

So right now I have no idea what will happen tomorrow… knowing my luck I’ll decide to just go for it then the social anxiety side of things will start to kick in and make me just want to hide in the house and too scared to go out. I find it extremely difficult to be in a group of people at the best of times but super super hard to be in a group of people where there are some I know and don’t get on with. I much prefer if I’m going out for it just to be with one or two other people.

And that’s my news for today… a good session with lovely support worker… I’m using my session with her next week with her coming with me to the dreaded appointment with the new psychiatrist that I don’t get along with as there is no chance I would go if I had to go on my own…

And decisions to make about tomorrow night… to go or not to go… that remains to be seen…

13:11 – Some random ramblings

I don’t have anything in particular to say for myself so I’m just pointlessly rambling here. I added some new music to my iPod this morning, I’m in love with the song “promises” by nero at the moment (the one I mentioned in post below) and also in love with Christina Perri especially her song Jar Of Hearts. Something about it resonates with me.

 

 

I saw my social worker yesterday, it was good to catch up with her. We actually used the session to do something practical and got my concerns about my rent sorted out. I had received a statement in, saying I was very much in arrears. But after some phoning around we found out what was happening and then it all made sense again.

I have been buying too many things off of amazon these past few days. Pointless and unnecessary things. I’m becoming an amazon junkie and need to cut my use down a bit. The only useful things I bought were the kids christmas presents (my best mate’s kids obviously). So I have bought all their christmas presents and birthday presents for January. I’ve bought a couple of little things for my best mate. I have still to buy for family but that’s because I refuse to buy a present for someone until they have specifically told me what they want. What’s the point in going out and spending say £50 on something that someone will never use/hates? Equally the people who drive me nuts are the ones who say “oh don’t get me anything, I don’t need anything” – well you know what, you’re probably right, you probably don’t need another perfume set or pair of socks or box of chocolates, but if you actually sat and thought about it then I’m sure you could think of a little thing you wouldn’t mind having. I know so many people say Christmas is either “all about the kids” or some religious mumble jumble – but to me it’s just exchanging some small gifts with family and friends who are just showing love for one another. That’s it. Simples.

I am realising this is the last Saturday I am going to be 29. It’s my birthday on Friday and turning the big 3-0 is a bit scary. I was a lot more freaked out about it a few months ago than I am now right enough. It just saddens me really that all the hopes and dreams and all the things I said back when I was 20 that I wanted to achieve by 30 haven’t happened. And it is a bit pants being single. It would have been nice to have had someone tell me they love me and someone to cuddle into on my birthday morning like on other “special birthdays” my 18th and 21st. Never mind, the doggies will have to do. I don’t really have anything planned for my actual birthday itself, but the next day some family and friend’s are coming out for dinner to a lovely restaurant, and then us “young ones” are getting dressed up Halloween style and going on a pub crawl. I am going as a devil. I know… I’m not very inventive.

I can’t think about anything else to ramble on about just now as although it is lunch time I have also been up seven hours now and am pretty exhausted, I need a bit more sleep I think.

Protected: 19:35 – Ranty post about ranting

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