Tag Archives: uni work

17:35 – Slipping, sliding, swinging moods

1 Dec

I am stressed. Extremely stressed. And my anxiety is sky high. I am taking more Diazepam each day than the amount I am prescribed meaning that I would have run out about a week early if I didn’t have my secret mental meds stash, which I’m guessing, most of us have.

I have been finding it extremely difficult to concentrate as my brain seems to jump from feeling so foggy I just can’t think… at all… about anything other than how fucking anxious I feel… to thinking about too many things in a fast and mixed up order… unable to concentrate on the task in hand… jumping from one internet page to the next… still getting absolutely nothing done.

And I feel so awful because my parents are spending their weekend off work up at my new house redecorating it for me and telling me just to stay here in my flat and get my two uni essays written as they are both due by this coming Friday. I’ve managed to get a half hearted first draft written for one of the essays but it is an absolute pile of bollocks, in fact I don’t even think it’s answering the question that is the essay title. It’s just a big long ramble that doesn’t flow properly, doesn’t really go anywhere, just rambles on about nothing. I think half the problem is that I don’t know how to answer the essay question… I don’t know what we are supposed to include… but I do know that the shit I’ve written so far doesn’t really include any of the stuff that we have covered in the module. So yeah… I think I’m way off track with it… it reads pretty much how my mood feels… no logical order… no nice flow from one point to the next… no explanation… just chopping and changing from one thing to the next.

My mood feels as though it is slipping and sliding all over the place but then it always does at this time of year. As soon as we hit November I seem to start struggling a lot. Once we hit December I just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate until it’s the Summer time again. I know people reading this will think I have that Seasonal Affective Disorder but I don’t… it’s because I now start seeing Christmas trees popping up everywhere, every shop window full of gift ideas, having to buy presents for friends kids and it’s like with every gift I see this big invisible boulder comes out of nowhere and knocks me to my feet… and as I try and climb back to an upright position it tries to knock me down again and again with the constant voice I hear reminding me that this is yet another Christmas to face without my little boy being here. It is immensely difficult to put on a smiling happy face for my friends kids as their little faces light up when they open all their presents and all I can think is why? Why did my little one not get the chance to experience Christmas? Why do I decorate a cold marble head stone in the cemetery instead of having my little one here helping me decorate a Christmas tree and seeing his little face light up on Christmas morning? It doesn’t get any easier even though it will be seven years in February since I lost him. Every year I go through these same emotions and they hurt so bad. It still makes no sense why he isn’t here with me. I don’t even have a Christmas tree to decorate because there is absolutely no Christmas spirit in me at all.

Then once we finally get Christmas over with for another year and enter the new year I have a six week countdown until it’s his 7th anniversary. So yeah… from now through to mid February is a very difficult time of year for me and I’m used to it pulling my mood down to super low levels. I’m used to feeling really depressed at this time of year. The majority of my hospitalisations have been this time of year. I don’t know how I avoided a hospital admission last year… perhaps it was using my uni work as a distraction or maybe I was feeling a bit stronger… I’m not sure. But right now with the stress of knowing that somehow or another I need to get these two essays written and submitted in less than a week and at the same time start getting all my possessions packed into boxes to move on Monday the 9th, I’m starting to feel like I’m not really coping very well at all. I should feel some degree of excitement about moving to the new house but I just don’t. I just don’t feel anything about anything really. Other than moving between depressed to stressed to anxious to foggy headed and then my moments of having about 100 ideas in the space of five minutes where everything suddenly speeds up inside my head… goes too fast… then like a lightbulb blowing it all goes dark again.

I better go for now, my Mum is coming to pick me up in half an hour to have a Sunday roast dinner at the parents house and I still need to have a quick shower. I might post back later as I feel like I’ve got more to say but it’s all a bit muddled up in my head right now. Maybe it will all make more sense later on…

01:15 – Happy birthday to me

28 Oct

I have spent the past four hours studying so much my brain hurts. I am desperately trying to catch up especially as I have a super busy week ahead. In between appointments I also have to write a pretty intense essay about social policy and the effects these policies have on child poverty… plus for my other module we have a research task where we have been split into online groups and have to create a full wikipedia page on certain super specific topics… my job is to research the history of the topic which so far I know nothing about as I’m playing catch up. So I finally decided to take a breather and looked at the clock – it’s 1am – oh… it’s my birthday. The big 32. The day has finally arrived. As you may be able to tell I’m not particularly excited about it, in fact it just depresses me that it’s another year on and very little in my life has changed.

Anyways… onto the slightly more happy stuff… I decided to go out last night (well Saturday night) and in the end swapped my costume I’d bought that didn’t fit me with another girl so I ended up going out as a ‘sexy’ police officer. Now this was OK in the sense that it was a short black dress but I could wear black tights and hide the leg scarring… but the sleeves were pretty short and the arm scarring was super noticeable. I tried to cover it up with some fake tan but it didn’t work particularly well (nor did I do a very good job of applying it as I appear to be very orange and streaky today… thank fuck I didn’t put any on my face!) so yeah, I was a bit paranoid about that until one of the girls had a brain wave and remembered she had long black fishnet gloves so I was much much more comfortable once I had them on!

So we had quite a lot to drink whilst we were all getting ready and the girls I hadn’t met before were all really nice and a good laugh. The couple of girls who I was worried about seeing again after so many years who I didn’t get on with back in the day decided to do their own thing so everything worked out great! After consuming two bottles of rosy wine and a couple of vodka’s (yes that was just my drinks!) I went into the bathroom and discreetly took a few Diazepam. Now I do not condone nor recommend mixing benzodiazapines with alcohol, but you have to remember I have taken them every single day for three years so I do know my limits… I didn’t take an unsafe amount, just my usual prescribed dose, and I know how they effect me when mixed with alcohol. I would never ever ever say to someone who doesn’t know how they would be affected to do that as it can be a very bad combination!

Anyways… the mix of the wine, the vodka and the diazepam relaxed me… maybe a little too much! I felt like I didn’t have a care in the world as we went from pub to pub drinking more and more and more. I wasn’t all self conscious about what I was wearing… I wasn’t scared of all the people nor how busy the pubs were… even my usual paranoia was staying quiet and letting me relax and let my hair down… I even spoke to some new people that I’d never met before which I would never normally do! The girls I was out with were all in great spirits and we just seemed to laugh all night long and I tell you it was such a relief when I finally came home at 2am and flopped into bed with a big smile on my face that I’d actually done it – I’d gone out, I’d had fun, I hadn’t done anything crazy and nothing bad had happened 🙂

Of course when I woke up this morning I had a super sore head but then realised it was only 7.30am so got a big glass of water and a couple of paracetamol and went back to sleep. When I woke again at 11am I felt slightly more human and dragged myself out of bed to walk the dogs. Later in the afternoon I went out to my friend’s house to get my coat and some other bits I’d left there last night and we had a giggle remembering all the fun bits from the night before… I think I’m going to try and spend more time with them seeing as best friend has completely forgotten about me… plus one of the girls there also has some mental health problems and she is quite open about them when in a small group so I feel more like I fit in. The only problem is that the next night out they are planning is in a big scary city place and there is no chance whatsoever my agoraphobia will let me go there but they tend to go out once a month or something so I can go out with them the next time they go out locally.

So yeah, I’m really glad that I went now, I can’t remember the last time I had a proper night out, I think it was back in April when it was best friend’s birthday I’m not sure… I know it’s been a long long time and was well overdue though!

I need to get off to bed soon as my parents and my brother are meeting me at 12.30 and we’re going to a fancy posh restaurant for lunch. We have a table reserved for 1pm. I think that’s going to be the only highlight of my birthday as I will need to get back home for about 3/4pm and get a few hours of studying done.

Wednesday afternoon I have my 3rd appointment with the new psychiatrist which I’m dreading even though lovely support worker is coming with me… I just don’t seem to get along with him… this is a bit of a running thing for me…. don’t get on with my psychiatrist and don’t get on with cpn#2 either… thank god I have lovely support worker and lovely GP to balance things out a bit :/

Thursday afternoon I have cpn#2… enough said about that…

Friday my big essay is due (that I haven’t even started yet) and Saturday my research project is due (again, not started yet). So it’s going to be a busy week, plus my Grandma is coming to stay with my parents for the week from tomorrow til Friday so I will need to spend some time with her as well and also on Friday night me and my Mum are going to an event that I don’t really know how to describe… it’s a mix of a lights illuminations show and aerial performer (trapeze artist) and all outdoors so it’s going to be freezing but it should be fun… the tickets have sold out really fast so lots of people must be going.

So every spare minute I have this week will be studying, studying and more studying… therefore I may be quiet for a few days. I just hope I can deal with all the stresses of deadlines and stuff because unfortunately the self harm thoughts are still never far from my mind at the moment even when things are going OK and I really can’t afford to let myself have any sort of breakdown this week.

Right… it’s 1.26am… time for bed me thinks…

Goodnight folks x

17:22 – I’m ok… (I’m not ok)

22 Nov

I got a text message from rape crisis support worker yesterday asking me if I was ok as it wasn’t like me not to reply to her. After two hours of just sitting here looking at it I finally managed to write four letters: I’m ok.

I don’t think I really am ok if I’m honest. Why did I tell her I was? It was easier than to tell the truth. I kept thinking that if I didn’t reply then she might get more worried and send someone (I don’t know who but someone) to my door to see if I was ok and that would really freak me out at the moment. But I don’t think that she would actually do that to me, I think she would keep anything I said to her confidential but what if it all starts pouring out, how much I need to cut, how much time I’m spending either hiding and doing nothing or reading about and looking at images about death.

I don’t know why I lied to her, I can trust her, she is nice, she isn’t part of my mental health team. I guess I thought that if I just added that extra word in to read ‘I’m not ok’ then she would ask what was wrong and maybe I would end up telling her how bad everything is and how I’m really struggling to cope and maybe it would end up with her contacting the mental health team or something. And for some reason I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to see anyone. I think that’s actually the biggest thing stopping me from cutting, because I know it would be a bad one and I know I would end up eventually breaking down and telling someone the truth.

It was easier just to say… I’m ok…

I also got a letter from new CPN offering me another appointment for Tuesday morning but I don’t know yet if I’ll go. She wrote on it that she would encourage me to attend this appointment as it has been ‘identified that regular support is helpful to me’. I’m too consumed by negative thoughts and ‘what’s the point?’ thoughts right now. All (and I do mean all) I can think about is hurting myself. I feel that I deserve to hurt and I constantly seem to be visualising blood running down an arm or leg and thinking about how it would feel and the release that it would give me.

I’m very stressed about my uni work, I feel as though I can’t understand this particular section, it just makes absolutely no sense in my brain. It’s about epidemiology and it’s just frazzling my brain trying to make sense of it all. I need to understand it and I need it to make sense so I can move on and get that week’s work finished and keep trying to catch up to where I should be at the moment.

I managed to get to the chemist yesterday for my weekly prescription. I went in ten minutes before they closed, when it was dark outside and the chemist was pretty quiet. I was in and out in five minutes as it was all made up and waiting for me. Afterwards I managed a long-ish walk with the dogs, staying in dark areas away from street lights and houses. I took them another walk around 11pm then another around 4am then I fell asleep for a while.

Something potentially good did happen today. Someone I know phoned me to ask me if I was still awaiting a housing transfer to which I said yes. She lives in the area I want to move to (nearer my parents) and has a little one bedroom house with front and back garden in a little row of bungalows with mainly elderly neighbours. Anyway, she has decided that she would like to move closer to the little town area as her sister is moving a few miles away and where I live is on the bus route to her sister’s new house. She wants to be closer to her sister and not two bus journeys away so yeah, she phoned and asked if she could come and see my flat tomorrow and if she likes it (and is sure she really wants to move) then we will do a house exchange which would be so good and I think I would be a lot happier living where her house is.

So that should have cheered me up but again I see the negatives. I think she will come here tomorrow at 2.30pm and decide she doesn’t want to live in a flat again or realise it’s quite a bit noisier here (mainly just with passing traffic) and I think she will decide not to go through with it and just keep her little house. Not that I could blame her. So I’m not getting my hopes up, I will see what her first impressions are like tomorrow. I really need to tidy up a bit, the place has become a bit of a mess again lately as the pile of Christmas presents are starting to pile up.

But I don’t have the energy. Seriously all I can do is sit here in this spot and over-think everything and look at and read probably the most unhealthiest things ever for my current state of mind.

When is all of this ever going to end? It’s like it just won’t pass until I have acted on the urges, the same urges I spend the whole time trying not to act on. It just seems like there is no way out of this other than to just do it and get the urge/need out of my system for another little while. I’ve been in this place so many times before, I should know by now that the only way to make it stop is to listen to it and act upon it, then things would maybe begin to calm down a bit again.

11:57 – De-ja-vu of a week ago…

30 Oct

The last post I wrote on here was this time last week when I was getting ready to go to the gym but was completely lacking in motivation. I did go in the end. However I skipped it on Thursday and then spent Friday-Sunday drinking way too much alcohol, eating takeaway pizza, drinking sugary drinks, then out for a meal on Sunday night with family and friends for another plate-load of super high carb foods.

I’m dreading the gym today because I’m not feeling motivated, I feel fat and frumpy from how much I ate over the weekend, I don’t want to see how much I have gained today 😦 It was a good weekend and was so much fun, I had a really good birthday, but I well and truly over-indulged.

I’m still behind with my uni work, I just cannot seem to focus and pick up a book and get reading and making notes at the moment. It’s like all concentration has gone. But I must force myself this week to get some chapters read and notes taken. It’s only another couple of weeks until our next assignment.

My head still feels a bit all over the place, racing thoughts are still pretty bad, levels of wanting to self harm have been super high, I’m noticing I’m sliding on a slippery slope and have too many emotions going on inside me that are pulling my moods all over the place. I need my focus and concentration levels to come back and need to get reading. This week and last week have been like the biggest two weeks for reading and gathering information. I have done practically nothing as every time I open a textbook and start to read it just doesn’t sink in. My notes end up just being re-writes of the pages I’m reading. None of it is sinking in at all and I need that to really change this week and get myself back on track or I’m going to end up too far behind.

So it’s almost 12 noon, I have two hours in which to get myself showered, dressed, dogs walked and get to the gym. In fact I could probably do all of that in an hour and read for an hour but I know that isn’t going to happen. Maybe I’ll just go and read some of the uni’s discussion board for this week and see what people are writing about on there, then at least feel like I know something from this week’s work.

Oh, and I meet new CPN on Thursday. I hope she is nice.

 

12:56 – Gym day and no motivation at all

23 Oct

I have gym in an hour from 2-3pm. I have absolutely no motivation at all to go. I know it will be fine when I get there but getting there is the problem. There are people in the stairway, I think they are painting or something, I can’t see them from my peep hole so they must be on the level above or below me. I feel panicky at the thought of having to walk past them. I also feel panicky about being in a group environment today; that’s kinda how the gym is, although we all do our work out’s individually there is a gym instructor who goes round “encouraging” us to do another five minutes and another five minutes.

I think I will take my iPod today, you can either listen to it as you work out or all the machines have a TV screen built into them so you can just plug your headphones in and watch some TV, but TV is crap mid-afternoon.

I am annoyed with myself because last night I caved in on my low carbing after 4 weeks of sticking rigidly to phase 1 of it, I end up eating a slice of cake last night. I bet I have put weight on since I last weighed myself on Thursday at the gym. One slice of cake has probably screwed up my weight loss over the past 3 or 4 days. I guess I’ll find out soon enough.

I really really really need to read uni stuff today, I am about a week behind, I realised yesterday I’m further behind than I thought. And I need to force myself to get back into the swing of daily studying but it is so damn hard when your head is going a million miles an hour and can’t seem to fit enough thoughts into a day let alone proper thoughts about how much I NEED to start reading those books or I am going to end up failing.

I have to go and walk the dogs and then go to the gym. Maybe after an hour’s work out I’ll be able to work out how I’m feeling – either more awake and able to do some studying and concentrate for a while – or more tired in which case I’m coming home to try and get a few hours sleep. I’m past caring what time of day it is that I get some sleep at, if I can sleep then I will. I avoided the supermarket completely yesterday because I just couldn’t face lots of people, so I just went to the local shop instead and because they don’t sell the types of food I need on Atkins, I decided I’d just have a big huge slice of cake instead. Very smart move…. not.

Blah it’s now 1.20pm and I have only forty minutes in which to have a shower, tie my hair back, put my gym clothes on, walk the dogs and then get to gym. I just cannot be bothered with anything today, I don’t know what’s wrong with me I’m just in a very irritable mood today.

19:19 – I’m a happier bunny again, a much better day :)

26 Sep

Today has turned out to be a surprisingly good day. I went to my appointment with my CPN at 1pm and she had already received notification that I had attended a&e yesterday evening and knew about the self harming. She asked what triggered it and I said I really didn’t know, it had just been building and building inside me and I needed to let it all out, that I had tried to distract myself by completing all of this coming week’s Uni work and wrote my essay so everything is complete a week in advance. But the thoughts and urges just became so intense I felt like I couldn’t fight them any longer, and so I had a slip up.

I told her I was worried that because of these two recent self harm episodes (and the fact they have been pretty close together) that this may mean she wouldn’t write a reference for me for the child befriending voluntary work that I want to do. I have my interview on Monday, the woman who runs it in my area is coming to my flat and I’m getting quite nervous! My flat isn’t looking it’s best at the moment, well at least it has all been freshly painted, but I still don’t have any proper flooring down as I am still refusing to pay out for flooring when I’m awaiting a housing transfer.

She said to me that she truly believes that doing this voluntary work is something I am already feeling passionate about and that if I was in a situation where, for example, it was a Saturday and I was feeling really down and the self harm urges began to build inside me, but I knew I had to see the child I was befriending the next day or in a few days time that I would throw myself into distracting myself as much as possible because I wouldn’t want to risk not being allowed to befriend any longer. And I think she is right, distractions can work really well, I am finding my Uni course is really helpful; combined with writing my meal plans up in advance so I have a better chance of sticking to this diet and of course looking after my fur-babies (my doggies).

She said that she still believes very much that I am walking the path towards recovery and that these recent self harm wounds have just been slip ups, and providing I haven’t done it again by the next time she sees me on 22nd October (our very final session together when I’m handed over to new CPN) then she will still write a reference for me. I do intend to be honest with the woman from child befrienders, I have already told her on the phone that I suffer with Bipolar Disorder but that I am trying to move my life forward in a positive direction. She is coming quite a long way to see me so I wanted to be open and honest from the start so I don’t waste her time and she has already told me that so long as I’m considered stable then my mental health isn’t an issue, and that a number of befrienders suffer from various illnesses but it doesn’t affect their ability to befriend.

So we had quite a good session together and then she brought in the new social worker who I will be working with for approximately 4 weeks until I start working with the new CPN at the end of October. She seemed OK, I didn’t get an overly positive vibe from her but even though I like to consider myself a good judge of character, I have learned when it comes to mental health professionals to never judge a book by it’s cover, some of the ones you initially think are going to be useless turn out to be really helpful and others that you think are going to be so helpful turn out utterly useless. Anyway, I will see how I get on with her when we have our first appointment together on October 5th.

Next week is going to be a busy one. Monday I have my child befrienders meeting/interview. Tuesday I have my first meeting with advocacy to get extra help with my housing transfer. Then later in the afternoon I have a session with the woman from rape crisis who is currently on holidays. Then on Friday I have the session with the new social worker. And in between times I have all my Uni work to do. So I should be kept pretty busy and distracted from the bad thoughts next week. Or maybe the bad thoughts will actually go away and give me a break for a little while. That would be much more preferable!

Speaking of social workers… she turned up! And we had a really long chat together, I think for about an hour and a half 🙂 I felt really nervous and awkward when she first came in the room, she felt a bit like a stranger as I haven’t seen her in so long but in no time it was back to normal, the way things had been before all of this not seeing her over the past 5 months stuff. I did ask what had happened, where had she been? And she quite honestly told me that it was entirely due to her chaotic caseload, changes in the mental health team, and it was nothing I had done wrong. She isn’t just a social worker, she is a MHO (Mental Health Officer) and she told me that she had been totally caught up in MHO duties that she hadn’t been doing general social worker stuff for ages. I didn’t feel like she was trying to fob me off with any excuses, she sat and talked and explained things to me and I understood.

We sort of talked about where we go from here, whether she discharges me or what to do for the best. We talked about was it really a social worker that I needed or a CPN and the progress I had made with the current temporary CPN I’ve been seeing. I told her all about my Uni course and where I want it to lead me to, what direction I would like my future to go in, in fact we talked about lots of stuff. In the end I said that I was OK with her not being involved in my care in a therapeutic sense, I know that I am getting a new CPN for that, and I also said I was happy for her to discharge me from her caseload but, that I would really appreciate it if she could stick around whilst we get this housing transfer sorted out. So she has even agreed to come with me to the advocacy meeting on Tuesday which made me happy that she was still willing to help me with that.

So hopefully with social worker and advocacy we can think of another approach to try and move my application for new housing along a bit. All I want is a little one bedroom house with a little garden, it’s not like I’m taking a house from someone or anything and the housing association are getting a house (flat) back from me when I move out of here. The council are sticking their heels in and saying there just aren’t any houses to move me into at the moment but I think with a bit more weight behind me and me being a bit more forceful I could at least speed up the process a little bit. You tend to find if you just start annoying the hell out of them and constantly phoning, going in, emailing etc that these people finally get fed up with you and start trying to find you somewhere quicker just to get you off their case! And I would be so much more happier out of this flat, I can’t express how much I hate living here, how scared I am that the horrible paranoia will come back, how bad it is when I’m feeling paranoid and scared and can’t go out my front door because I have to walk past all my neighbours doors and sometimes when I am really not well it’s so hard to let my dogs out for a walk. Having my own front door and a little patch of grass is all I want. And the three areas I have said I’d like to be housed in are all mainly areas with elderly neighbours, so nice and quiet instead of being right in the middle of the town with constant noise and so many drunken idiots at the weekends fighting and shouting and waking me up etc etc.

So I feel as though the awkwardness between me and social worker has finally been repaired and I understand her reasons now and I think she will try and help as best she can with the housing transfer and from there then it will probably be the right time to discharge me but at least it will be on good terms which would be much nicer.

Today has gone much better than expected and I have managed to stick to the low carbing again. A couple of boiled eggs for lunch and grilled chicken breast with brocolli for dinner and I’ve drank at least 1.5 litres of water so far today. I am noticing that this headache has come back again and I’m finding it really quite annoying but I’ve taken a couple of paracetamol and it’s calmed down a little bit. I think I remember this as being normal from the last time I low-carbed.

So I’m going to go and watch some TV and have a quiet relaxing night. Tomorrow I’m going to get started with next week’s Uni work, if I can stay a few days/a week ahead then I’ll be happy, just in case anything ever does come up where I need to take a few days off from studying and I won’t fall behind.

I have nothing much planned for tomorrow other than studying but I have to go to a&e at some point and have them check yesterdays wounds and a guy coming to replace my gas meter on Friday.

And on that note I’ve just noticed a programme I wanted to watch has already started… I am also interested to watch the programme that is on channel 4 tonight at 10pm (for UK people) it’s a live experiment of people taking drugs, tonight it is a live ecstasy/mdma experiment, should make interesting viewing!

I’m a happier bunny today, I’m glad things are finally sorted out with social worker and it was really nice to have the opportunity to chat today. I was so worried about seeing her and left feeling so much calmer. My head feels quieter tonight and I don’t have any bad thoughts swirling round my brain. So, for tonight anyway, all is good 🙂

19:57 – What the hell is wrong with me?

23 Sep

I cannot stop crying. Like seriously cannot stop. I am shaking and crying and can hardly see what I’m typing because the tears are flowing so fast and hard. Every time I take a breath and try to calm myself down it just starts again. Everything is making me cry, every program I put on the TV, every time I try and play about with my essay for uni, the case study I am doing it on is such a sad story of two little kids aged 2 and 4 and the awful neglect they are experiencing. They aren’t even real kids, they are just made up for the purpose of a case study for the essay but it breaks my heart reading it.

I have X Factor on TV just now and am crying at every single song either because the lyrics have meaning to me or just pure and simply because the person is good at something (singing) and I feel like I have no talent in anything in life. I want to be good at something, I want to feel like a success for once and not a big fat failure. Earlier some program was on set in a maternity ward and watching all the babies being born (which I knew fine would upset me) – god – I was an absolute mess, breaking my heart over not having my little man, breaking my heart because all of those little babies came out screaming and all I could remember was that complete silence as my little one came out sleeping… straight off to the angels.

I feel as though I have accomplished nothing in my 30 years on this planet. All the things I thought I would have achieved by now – I have achieved none of them. I know I am doing this uni course and that is a positive thing but it’s still super early days, I have been at uni twice before in my life and both times dropped out at the end of first year… how do I know this time will be any different?

What if this is all my life is going to be… tears…self harm wounds…battling with suicidal thoughts…stuck in this flat that I hate so much…never being good at anything…remaining overweight…not able to get slim again…not able to have another baby…an earth baby…never being able to trust again therefore never having a relationship again… I know, I know, so much negativity… but that’s the only thoughts going around in my head…and then I’m back in that place again…wanting to hurt…deserving to hurt…maybe that’s the only thing I’m good at… hurting…feeling pain…trying to cry it all out and when that doesn’t work cutting it all out…

I wanted to write a positive post about how I had completed my first essay for uni a week early, how I have written up my meal plan for the next week, how I have thrown out every item of ‘bad’ food in my house in preparation of starting low carbing again. But I just feel crap and I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.

Sorry for being so depressing… I thought maybe writing it down would stop the tears…but no, they are still here… I feel so completely and utterly miserable and there is no reason for it, there is no reason for the tears, there is no reason for any of this, none that I can identify anyway, I’m finding myself wishing I hadn’t handed over all those tablets the other week to GP, yet I know taking them would achieve nothing. If I want to feel pain or cut it out I have a pack of blades in the drawer but I’m scared to do it again when I already have a big infection in my last bad wound…not scared to cut…scared of needing treatment…scared of the questions…scared of breaking down in front of them…scared of the truth coming out my mouth again.

I really do not know what is wrong with me. I don’t know how much longer I can hang onto those “things will get better again” thoughts because even when they do it never lasts for long. Is this just the way things are destined to be for me? I know I am the only person who can change everything I dislike about myself and my life but that takes strength and I have no idea where mine has gone.

 

Maybe this is what I need…

Fixing…

How do I fix myself…

14:47 – Off to the GP shortly

21 Sep

I have my appointment with lovely GP in 45 minutes. It’s already nearly 3pm and I am not dressed, one of the workmen guys came to my door this morning but I didn’t hear him because I WAS SLEEPING! A bloody miracle! He just put a note through the door to say not to use my shower before 2pm as it needed 24 hours to dry out properly and it was around 2pm he finished with it yesterday… Anyway… I actually slept from around 11.30pm/midnight through until 8.30am – a full 8 hours sleep! I don’t know if it was because I was so completely shattered that my body finally just gave up, exhausted, and let me sleep or if it was the Mirtazapine that helped. It was slightly broken sleep, I do remember being awake around 3am and putting something on iPlayer to watch and then falling back asleep half way through it.

I was looking into Melatonin a bit more this morning and have read it can actually have some quite bad side effects so have decided I won’t ask GP about it just yet, maybe the Mirtazapine increase is going to help me sleep after all. I guess time will tell and I’ll see how I am over the weekend. Slightly worried that I only slept out of total exhaustion and will end up not being able to sleep again all weekend but if that happens I will just have to find a way to deal with it.

My Soya Isoflavones that I ordered arrived this morning. I bought them to try and help with my PCOS and menstrual problems but upon reading the information leaflet they say they are also helpful for a variety of other things and mood swings and irritability were one of them so maybe these little vitamins will help me out a bit. I suppose I better tell GP I am taking them, it’s important they know exactly what I am and am not taking. She will probably try and talk me out of taking them because doctors are all about the bloody medical model and this is something “alternative” but unless she can offer me an anti-estrogen medication and not just something to make me bleed then I am going to give them a shot.

I’m also going to ask her to check my wound on my leg and ask her if it’s healed enough to go and take my form to the gym to get signed up there. I really need to start taking more exercise so longer walks with the dogs and 1 or 2 sessions at the gym each week combined with eating a bit healthier should all help. I want to try low-carbing again, it was what helped me lose a tonne of weight around 6 years ago but it’s so so hard to stick to, especially in the first few weeks when you have to be very disciplined with yourself. But although a lot of people say it’s unhealthy, it is very effective when you have PCOS and insulin issues. I was planning to go and do my weekly food shop today but I know there is no chance of me sticking to low carb eating over the weekend so I will let myself have the weekend of eating what I want then do my food shopping on Monday and only buy low carb foods in.

I will write up a weeks worth of low carb recipes over the weekend so my meals are all planned out for every day next week. I have to do something about my weight, it is not healthy and I don’t feel healthy, it’s affecting my self confidence a lot and I’m 31 next month, I need to start taking better care of my body if I ever want to try to conceive again in the future. Also it was around this age that my Dad and Aunt both started developing high blood pressure problems (and they were both normal weights) so I need to try and reduce the risks of things like that happening to me as well.

It’s all so easy to talk about but putting it into practice is going to be so bloody hard! But I’ve done it once before… I can do it again right?!

OK I need a plan for today:

  • Go and have a shower in new shower 🙂
  • Get dressed, put gym letter in bag
  • Go see GP – ask her to check my leg and tell her I’m starting the Soya tablets
  • Go and hand in my gym letter and see if they can give me an induction date
  • Come back and get dogs and walk down onto the seafront promenade and just walk and walk until I feel as though I’ve done some proper exercise!
  • Go to supermarket and buy food for weekend
  • Read last bit of my textbook chapter for this week’s uni work

That should be enough to keep me busy for a while. I don’t know how honest to be with GP about the self harm thoughts and how strong they still are. I don’t want fucking psychiatrist saying I am game playing again by picking and choosing who I tell information to but equally I don’t want to cause GP any concern on a Friday when she knows support is extremely limited over the weekend. I guess I just have to be honest with her and say yes the thoughts are there, the urges are bad, I don’t know if I’ll act on them but can only hope that I will be able to resist.

I shall probably write another post of ramblings later tonight with how the day went. I guess I better go and get ready now – new shower – yay 🙂