23:45 – To go or not to go…

25 Oct

I must apologise in advance if I ramble more than usual but I’ve been drinking a really classy (yes that is sarcasm) drink for the past few hours called Dragon Soop. It is £2.99 per can (crazy overpriced shit) and I’m on can number 3 at the moment. The stuff is absolutely revolting, it tastes like paint stripper and is so heavily caffeinated and full of vodka it’s making my heart do crazy palpitations. However, I don’t like to waste things so carry on drinking it I shall…

Here it is in all it’s glory… not my photo, one I ‘borrowed’ from google because it’s too much effort to take a photo with my phone and hit upload…

images

Today I had an appointment with lovely support worker and I told her the truth, the full complete absolute truth about everything. She didn’t judge me, I think she could see how genuinely regretful I am about it all. She let me talk and listened to me moan about CPN#2 and said it sounds like CPN#2 is only willing to do things her way or no way. This got me to thinking – if I’m in and out of bad head places right now and there is even the slightest possibility I am heading towards a crisis – how can we do crisis prevention if I can’t fucking talk about how I feel? *insert angry, fed up, frustrated smiley here* I apologised AGAIN to lovely support worker for her being lumbered with all my crap and us still not managing to do any of the work that I’m actually going there to do because I just cannot focus on that right now.

Then after I left my appointment something possibly good happened… I got a text message inviting me out tomorrow night to a Halloween party that’s on in one of the pubs. There are a group of girls going, some of whom I know and get on with and unfortunately a couple that I don’t get on with at all but maybe I won’t need to speak to them much. So I went off in the search for a Halloween costume to wear (always difficult finding any outfit when specific parts of my body must be covered due to excess scarring) and also hard when I’m such a fat bastard at the moment and all the nice outfits are made for tiny people. Anyways, I finally found one that both fits and covers all the bits that need covered, but once I got home and tried it on I realised I’ve actually bought it in a size too big and the woman in the shop said that none of the costumes can be returned. Argh. However, with the help of some discreetly placed safety pins I think I’ll be able to pull it in a bit. Failing that I am going to wear a onesie with my hair in pigtails and ribbons, freckles drawn on my face and a dummy around my neck… I’d look like an absolute idiot but it would be sooo comfy!

So I felt kinda psyched up and happier at the thought of going out with some girls I haven’t seen for a while (that was until I realised everyone else that was going and how many of them I don’t get on with) so now I don’t know if I want to bother going. But I know if I don’t I will sit here tomorrow night all alone and feeling miserable, especially as best friend has now splashed a message on facebook asking who is all going out next weekend! I knew she would do this, say she couldn’t even afford to go for a fucking coffee for my birthday but manage to go for a night out next weekend when it’s her other friend’s birthday. And yeah, it pisses me off because I’ve never missed any of her birthdays yet it’s a different story when it’s mine *insert another pissed off frustrated smiley here*

Right now I’m unsure whether I’ll go out tomorrow night or not. One part of me says alcohol is a depressant and I’m already feeling depressed enough without adding to it (she says as she slurps her dragon soop)… I worry that even if I enjoy myself I will come home alone and the depression will kick in along with being drunk and that will lead to me doing something stupid. And I can’t allow myself to do anything stupid because I must be able to paint on a smile and go for a nice lunch with my family on Monday. Then again I think if I do go out I might be surprised, I might get on OK with the other girls, I might actually have a good laugh (they are pretty wild!) and maybe come home with a genuine albeit drunken smile on my face, fall into bed and giggle to myself as I think about the night’s antics.

Who knows what way it will go?

The good thing is that I live within walking distance of the pub so I could always go along and if it’s crap just make up some excuse to leave and come home early rather than staying out til we get chucked out at 2am then stand around the kebab shop talking drunken shite to random people for another hour before finally staggering home. The friend who invited me along is also using the “you never know, you might find mr right on saturday night!” line … although I think I’d find it slightly disturbing if any guy found me attractive in either of the two costumes I would be wearing!

So right now I have no idea what will happen tomorrow… knowing my luck I’ll decide to just go for it then the social anxiety side of things will start to kick in and make me just want to hide in the house and too scared to go out. I find it extremely difficult to be in a group of people at the best of times but super super hard to be in a group of people where there are some I know and don’t get on with. I much prefer if I’m going out for it just to be with one or two other people.

And that’s my news for today… a good session with lovely support worker… I’m using my session with her next week with her coming with me to the dreaded appointment with the new psychiatrist that I don’t get along with as there is no chance I would go if I had to go on my own…

And decisions to make about tomorrow night… to go or not to go… that remains to be seen…

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