23:06 – Just the most perfect song right now

Every time I see,
My eyes,
In my reflection…
I can’t help but be disappointed,
At who I am…

And every time I feel,
My skin,
Breaking on metal…
It helps me be quiet,
And quiet’s where I need to be…

Scars on my skin…
Scars on my heart…
Scars on my soul…
Reminding me of myself…

Scars on my skin…
Scars on my heart…
Scars on my soul…
Reminding me of myself…

And if I let you in,
You’ll tear me apart…

Every time I feel alone,
And left forgotten,
I have to believe in something…
Like angels,
To breathe…

And every time I see,
My pain,
Beating in rhythm…
I need to be silenced,
In silence where I hide my fear…

Scars on my skin…
Scars on my heart…
Scars on my soul…
Reminding me of myself…

Scars on my skin…
Scars on my heart…
Scars on my soul…
Reminding me of myself…

And if I let you in,
You’ll tear me apart…

So just hold me,
Wrap me in your arms,
Don’t let me fall again…
Teach me,
So I don’t have to learn anything more from you…

Isn’t my pain good enough for faith,
In you?
Isn’t my pain good enough for faith,
In you?

So just hold me,
Wrap me in your arms,
Don’t let me fall again…
Teach me,
So I don’t have to learn anything more from you…

Isn’t my pain good enough for faith,
In you?
Isn’t my pain good enough for faith,
In you?

23:08 – My heart hurts

Like the title says really…

Why can’t I just feel normal?

Why have I spent today hiding from the world, ignoring calls and texts and spent a large proportion of the day in tears. I don’t even know what I’m crying about.

I’m having one of those days where you sit on youtube and watch music videos with lyrics that somehow touch your soul and move you to a point where you end up replaying it over and over and over again and just letting the tears roll down your cheeks.

I have an appointment with new CPN tomorrow. As usual, I don’t want to go. I also have to see lovely GP on Wednesday and support worker on Wednesday. I don’t really want to speak to anyone, I’m more in the mindset where I really just want to be left alone to discreetly make my exit.

This evening I have phoned the Samaritans about four or five times and not even managed to say hello when they answered. I just end the call and start crying again.

If I really must go to these appointments this week then I think when I see GP on Wednesday I’m going to go ahead and ask for my Quetiapine to be increased to 700mg. It can’t make me feel any worse and maybe it will just help enough to keep me from acting upon these thoughts that are getting worse and worse by the day. I’m just really scared that I’ll admit to lovely GP how utterly crap I am feeling. She just has a way of making me feel like it’s OK to tell her the truth and I don’t have that with new CPN (yet?) and to be honest I really wish the social worker I was once really close too was still around because lovely GP tends to panic and mentioned the dreaded H word when I’m too honest with her. At least lovely social worker understood, or so I thought back then.

I feel so miserable. I feel lonely even though I don’t want to be around people and I just want to shut everyone out whilst I nurse my crazy head through these horrible dark and gloomy days. My heart feels as though it’s breaking over something, but I don’t know what. But that is where the pain is when I cry, my heart feels like it aches. I know that sounds a bit dramatical but it’s true. My heart hurts. And I feel very empty and very sad.

Goodnight folks

 

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Protected: 19:15 – The hurt inside self injury

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