14:38 – Few things ticked off the list

I have so much to talk about since I last posted but I should warn in advance my head is all a bit choppy today. When I was writing my last post on here I was going to see lovely GP the following day which I did. She said she had taken the time to read my letter about being unhappy with the situation with new psychiatrist and that she understood where I was coming from. I told her I really don’t have a problem with knowing eventually the Diazepam has to stop but this just doesn’t seem the right time when there’s no other coping mechanisms in place.

I asked her out of curiosity what would happen if the psychiatrist said he wanted something to happen but she didn’t agree – I always assumed in this case that because the psychiatrist is a consultant and a specialist type of doctor that his decision would overrule a GP’s decision. But apparently this is not the case; lovely GP said it doesn’t happen often as it causes friction, but if she feels strongly that another doctor is recommending some wrong type of treatment that she would prescribe what she felt was the right choice. She said something about when I’m in hospital then the psychiatrist is prescribing my medication so in that case he is in charge. But when I’m at home in the community my GP is my prescribing doctor who writes the prescriptions so the final decision would be hers. Something knew I learned.

Anyway sorry I went off onto a ramble there – the short version is I got another monthly prescription with no medication changes. I also got my fasting blood sugars done because the symptoms I’ve been having could be from either (a) my PCOS causing insulin resistance/prediabetes (b) all side effects of being on the max dose of Quetiapine. The symptoms are very similar well the ones I have are: constant and I mean constant dry mouth and needing to drink liquids. Drinking between 10 and 15 pint glasses full of cold water or orange diluting juice. Still having a dry mouth. Constipated despite drinking so much water. A few other things as well. So lovely GP did a fasting blood sugar test and the result was 5.2 a little on the high side but not high enough to worry yet. Lovely GP also said she is referring me to go and see the gynaecologist as I haven’t seen one in about six years and I am contemplating asking to go back onto Metformin to help insulin resistance stuff and help lose weight but I have never been able to tolerate it as it makes you have constant stomach pains and cramps and running to the toilet. Sorry a little bit TMI there. So it should probably take around 6-10 weeks to get an appointment through but I think a catch up chat with a gynae could be a good idea.

Moving on from the appointment with lovely GP (I can fit a LOT into 10-15 minute visits!) I also got a reply letter from new psychiatrist. It was short but polite and he thanked me for writing, said he felt he understood me a little better now and told me we can definitely discuss all of my concerns at the next appointment on August 1st. So that was good to hear that he had actually read it and thought I was being at least some amount of rational with my explanations.

I decided to be big and brave on Friday and try and go to a new place. A new scary place to challenge the agoraphobia. I didn’t tell anyone because I wanted to do it alone and also if I failed then I only I needed to know that. It was a very scary journey with lots of stops and panics and on a couple of occasions tears from the physical pain the anxiety was causing but two hours later I had made it there to my destination and I was still alive. Just. I had one aim in my head and that was to find the body piercing studio and go and have my lip pierced. I used to have my bottom lip pierced right in the middle but I took it out a few years ago. This time I have got my bottom lip done again but to the side and in a way that I can wear a little ring or a bar. It’s pretty swollen at the moment and I need to wait at least 4-6 weeks for it to be healed enough to change the ring that’s in it. So I was very happy to be walking out of the body piercing place lip stinging in pain, terrified because I was so far from home, overwhelmed at all these shops around me actual brand named shops that I haven’t been in for years. I treated myself to a McDonalds which was a big mistake as I was so sick that night but I enjoyed it at the time. After about an hour I was starting to feel quite panicky and wanting to go back home but an hour was better than nothing, maybe I’ll manage longer next time.

I was supposed to go and see CPN#2 yesterday at 1.30pm but my sleep has been so bad lately. Literally waking every hour sometimes just for five or ten minutes, other times for hours. So of course I finally manage to self medicate enough to knock myself out around 4am and didn’t wake up until 2pm realising I was supposed to be at my appointment. I think that’s about six appointments I’ve missed now. I think I’m going to receive a shitty letter in the post in the next couple of days about me not engaging or her not going to work with me any more as I don’t attend my appointments or some shit like that. I should have just phoned and apologised but after making like six weeks of excuses even the truth just sounds like an excuse now. Plus she posted me out all this stuff to do with the compassionate mind program and I read a few pages and rolled my eyes and was just like … blah … this is a load of shit.

So right now some things are going ok-ish, mostly I’m sitting about doing nothing, but a couple of times I’ve set myself some new targets and achieved them even when they’ve been really hard work. Other days have been long and slow and I’ve felt so depressed from waking up to going back to bed again. But some things are ticked off my list now:

• Sent letter to new psychiatrist about concerns
• Received reply that was polite and respectful
• Arranged for support worker to come with me to next appointment with new psychiatrist on August 1st
• Travelled to a new place and stayed there for an hour
• Got my lip pierced
• Saw lovely GP and medication concerns are now gone a bit
• Being referred to gynaecology to talk more about PCOS situation
• Had diabetes test done and got results
• One fuck up – missing CPN#2 appointment

So that’s not too bad for a week. I think I’ve done okay. I could do with socialising a bit and seeing people rather than spending all my time doing things alone but I kinda like being alone. I’m feeling really quite agitated today and I need a distraction that will work. I noticed a shop near my flat sells these things that are like painting by numbers but for adults and I’m tempted to go and buy one of them to see if I can paint something nice.

Okay I have rambled enough now. I need to sort out an appointment with CPN#2 again as my support worker is off on holiday for the next few weeks and I have no one else for support right now. But in a way I kinda like it this way. Just me myself and I. Me and my doggies. My little routines. Keeping the world out and just doing what I need and when I need. I would like my mood to stay a little bit more consistent though, it feels like it’s yo-yo-ing a little bit again.