Since I last wrote a blog post things have certainly been eventful but equally it is only really myself who knows just how eventful they have been. I started writing a post a few days ago where I decided fuck it, just be honest, it’s my blog afterall. But then when I started writing I kept deleting words from the screen, not wanting to see them or read them or remember them. I then decided to write the truthful post and get it all out my system but just publish it privately or by password protect so at least it would all be out of my head but nobody else would be able to read it. But every time I have started a post I’ll get half way through it before moving it to the ‘trash’ bin.
I guess I either don’t want to be completely honest or don’t feel as though I can be completely honest. Maybe I’m scared of reactions but then I’ve been in some crazy places and done some crazy things in the three years this little blog has been going for and I know from past experience that when you’re feeling all messed up about things you have done, sometimes it helps to get an outsider opinion on it. Then again, I have seen and read the outsider opinions in the past when I’ve done some undesirable things and those opinions aren’t always pleasant to read. So I don’t know how much to say or if even to say anything at all.
I have been spending most of my time by myself. It has been ten days (I think) since I was last supposed to see CPN#2 and I didn’t go and haven’t heard from her. I was expecting a letter from her to say that as I now haven’t attended for at least six weeks that she would be removing me from her caseload or something to that effect. In fact I still am expecting that letter but I almost don’t really care. I don’t believe I have the ability to be ‘compassionate’ towards myself, not now and not ever. And if that is the type of therapy that they are adamant they want me to try then I think this saga is just going to drag on and on of me not attending my appointments or engaging with them.
I am not proud of my recent behaviour. On the 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th and 9th of July I fucked up. I did stupid things that I now regret. At least I think I regret them, I’m not 100% sure though because they felt pretty good at the time. But yeah, it would have been much better for me not to have done five stupid things over those five stupid days. But at least I have kept it all a secret, nobody knows… Actually that is a lie, one person knows and that’s the person I did two out of the five stupid things with. And one other person sort of knows that something went on over those days as I was kinda caught in the act but I just can’t get into it all on here. And then there is Berry. Berry has been making herself very much heard inside my head. I’m not sure I like Berry being inside of me as she is being exposed to things that I’m not sure she is really mature enough to deal with (I’m not talking about anything sexual here can I just point out) – Berry tells me in her little quiet soft voice that she likes being in me because I make her feel safe even though I do some crazy things. She is very innocent in a naive sort of way and in a way I like it because she giggles happily like she doesn’t have a care in the world most of the time. But we did have a run in a few days after she made her presence known and whilst I was mid-crazy-behaviour when she just kept encouraging me to do things more and more extreme and all she did was laugh. And this confused me because I was left feeling like how the hell did she even get in without me noticing her? And how the hell can she find my crazy behaviours funny? She laughed hysterically when I had the world, the full earth in my hands, and I could fold the world in half and then into quarters and just keep folding it over and over into the tiniest bit of paper even smaller than a postage stamp and then I could just let it go and watch as it floated and began to open up and up until everything was back to being the full size again. That was interesting, it was like making origami with the world. Anyway, she hasn’t opened up to me much yet, she more sits in the background until she feels brave enough to start encouraging me again with more of her little ideas. And to be honest I’ve been trying to ignore her little ideas and suggestions as by ignoring her I’ve managed to keep myself on the straight and narrow for the past few days.
Arghh I hate that this is supposed to be my safe, private, anonymous little corner of the cyberweb to say what I need to say and vent when I need to vent and then when I really need to get things out I just can’t. Why?? The only conclusion that I can come to is that I’m obviously scared of some kind of consequence from it all. And I guess part of me says ‘ok you had a crazy five days but you stopped it going any further, you took some sort of control and stopped and now for the past four days there have been no repeats of the earlier crazy behaviours. They are in the past now and you need to forget about them and move on’.
So where do I go from here? I really don’t know. I know there is a large chance that this post won’t make a great deal of sense but maybe one or two of you will be able to read between the lines and know what I’m blabbering on about without me having to straight out say it. In a way I would like to come straight out and just say all of the things that I’ve been doing but something is very strongly telling me not to. It would make writing this post a whole lot easier (actually would it? maybe it would make it a whole lot harder) and in a way I would like to talk about the reasons behind all the things I’ve done because they do actually make some sort of sense to me. Even for someone so immature as Berry even she makes valid points on why some of the crazy things weren’t such bad things for me to do. Yet on the other hand I know that if I write them all down they just won’t make a great deal of sense to anyone else. So, for the moment, I am stuck. Very stuck. Maybe I just need to forget about it all and not bother writing about it. Maybe I am running out of words and feeling a little paranoid again. I don’t like having someone inside my head who has the ability to hear my thoughts and play around with them. Maybe that’s why I just end this post with the same words that I began…
Some things are just too crazy to write about.
P.S. Edited to add that Sasha isn’t happy I spoke about Berry without asking her permission first. She wants me to know she isn’t happy for me to do that so I’m hoping a public apology to her will make her see that it wasn’t intentional to talk about Berry but sometimes I just write what my head is saying and Berry slipped into the conversation. So, I’d like to say sorry for not asking for permission. So, to Sasha, I apologise.
Again I’m not entirely sure of Sasha or what her intentions are towards me but I can say that whenever she does speak it’s in a very motherly tone and often a very disapproving tone towards Berry. She barely speaks to me but I hear her and Berry talking a lot. I think she might be Berry’s mother but I’m not 100% sure on that yet. Maybe it will all become clearer as time goes by…