Just a short post as I’m shattered… It has been an exhausting few days…
On Monday I had to move everything out of the living room and into the bedroom. I slept on my six foot leather bean bags with both doggies curled in next to me. And I wrote my previous blog post which was quite a depressing read but something that I am still stuck in a little habit of doing.
Tuesday the guys came with my lovely new flooring for the living room and kitchen area. Then when my Mum finished work she came down and helped me move all my living room furniture back in… and then we had to move everything from the bedroom into the living room as well as the guys were coming back today to lay the bedroom carpet. After it was done this afternoon my Mum came down again and helped me move all the bedroom stuff back into the bedroom. So here I am sitting in my living room which no longer has sheets of mdf as flooring but a lovely dark wood effect floor and huge big rug in the middle of the room. It feels cosy and it looks so much nicer.
However the test is going to be whether or not I can get past the psychological block of the bedroom, if I can go in there and lie in that bed and not start hearing excessive whispers and giggles in my head, not start experiencing visual hallucinations or have memories and flashbacks flooding back into my head… and everything else that sent my head bonkers being in that room before. It’s been ten long months that I have slept on a two seater sofa for and ten long months of no proper flooring down in my flat and now I have a warm carpeted bedroom, a bed that’s been cleared and cleaned and all nice new bedding put on. Am I going to be able to sleep in there tonight without going crazy? I will be so disappointed if I begin to panic and end up running back to sleep on the sofa in the living room.
It’s also going to be weird because my little doggies have always slept where I sleep. But because I have got carpet in the bedroom I don’t want it getting ruined with dog hair and also don’t want to take the chance of one of them having an accident on my lovely new floor! So, I have laid their big double duvet out on the big bean bag and will soon tuck them both in for the night. I am really really tired and I think I’ll be able to fall asleep quickly so long as I can relax and not get super anxious once I’m actually in the bedroom. I want to break this psychological barrier that’s been built up, I want to stay in this flat and be happy in it, but there are quite a few things I’m going to have to try and overcome to make that happen.
Is this going to be the first night in almost a year where I sleep in a bed? I’ll let you know tomorrow…
Goodnight folks xx