Tag Archives: where did it all go wrong

18:51 – Where I am and where I should be

24 Nov

Where I am: Hiding in my flat. Still in my pyjamas. Greasy hair. Unwashed. Massive amounts of anxiety coming in waves and trying to suffocate me. Depressed. Feel sick. Stomach hurts bad. More anxiety but accompanied by pain. Heart feels all fluttery. Don’t like it. Can’t control it. Can’t get it to stop. Too many thoughts all racing at once. Not sure which ones are distressing me the most and causing this ‘attack’. Is it the ones from the past or the future or the here and now? I don’t know. They are all coming at once. Thick and fast. All I can do is curl up and lie in the dark room alone waiting on it to stop. If it ever will.

Where I should be: In the cocktail bar with my cousin celebrating her ‘hen night’. In the health spa relaxing. (How can I ever go to a health spa or swimming pool again when my whole life story is written all over my body and told in scars?) I should be with my cousin tonight. My Mum is there. My Aunt (mid cancer battle) is there. Friends have travelled from all over the UK to be there tonight. And I, the only female cousin she has, and with only six months apart in our birthdays, the girl I grew up with the closest thing I’d ever have to a sister, the girl I went on holiday with every year. I should be THERE. And I’m not. And it hurts deep inside, it hurts my very core. My Mum phoned me last night to ask me for some funny stories to tell about my cousin from when we were kids (the head bridesmaid asked everyone to think of a funny story about her to embarrass her, just for fun) and I probably have more funny memories to speak of than anyone else there besides her Mum. And that makes me sad. Ok. That makes me cry it would seem. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. We always said when we got married we would be each other’s bridesmaid. And not only can’t I be that, I can’t even be there on her big day, I can’t be at the hen night tonight, instead I am consumed with crazy thoughts and phobias that I don’t know how to fight… I don’t know how to make them stop. I feel so very sad that I’m not there with everyone and instead of being there to enjoy her hen night with her and to be part of it, I will learn of all the fun and frolics from facebook statuses and from my Mum when I next speak to her on the phone.

This just wasn’t/isn’t the way things were supposed to be. And it is killing me imagining them all enjoying their night, having drinks and sharing stories, silly party games and nice food. I imagine laughter filling up that room tonight and I feel so alone. Quiet. Dark. Alone. Lonely yet I don’t want anyone near me. I ask myself again and again. When is this going to stop…