Tag Archives: weight loss

17:37 – 12 days of no ramblings!

19 Oct

Hello!

I don’t know where I’ve been for the past 12 days that I haven’t thought of writing about my ramblings. What I can say is that I have now lost a total of 20 lbs (1 stone 6lbs) so I’m most happy with that. Some people who I haven’t seen in a few weeks have said they can see it in my face, but, I’m at that awkward stage when you have quite a lot of weight to lose and I’m like in between dress sizes. Haven’t quite dropped a full size yet so hovering somewhere in the middle. This Atkins lifestyle is hard going, there have been so many times where I’ve wanted to just give up on it but each time I stand on the scales and see quite large weight losses week by week (that’s me around 4 weeks in now and lost 20 lbs in that time) so yeah, that spurs me on to keep going with it. I still have about 3 stone 6 lbs to lose (just short of 50 lbs) so a long way to go yet! But hopefully by Christmas I’ll have that first dress size off and people will start to notice a little 🙂

What else has been happening? I’ve started the gym now and go on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 2-3pm. An hour’s work out is actually quite tough going especially when you have one of the gym instructors in your ear pushing you just to do 5 more minutes when you’re already dripping with sweat! But it’s all worth it I guess – a nicer body would make a happier me…

I’ve also seen Mr Psychiatrist this week. I’m concerned I’m hearing a voice again but I told him this voice is very much getting caught up in my own racing thoughts making it hard to distinguish at times which is which. In light of that we decided to increase my Quetiapine (Seroquel) from 500mg to 600mg and I can increase again to 700mg in a fortnight if my head is still being crazy. I also spoke to him about how bad my sleep still is and that sleeping tablets just don’t help. It’s not the getting to sleep part I have the problem with, it’s the staying asleep part. I sleep for 1-2 hours then feel like someone has just shaken me and I wake up startled and alert and wondering what’s going on, then I have to get up just to check everything is ok around me, check the door is double locked, get back onto my sofa which is STILL my bed and lie there for perhaps 45 mins maybe an hour then I go back to sleep again for another couple of hours and then the exact same thing happens again. It leaves me feeling really drained and zombified. I hoped the increase in Quetiapine might make me slightly sleepier but apparently not. All the drugs I’m on all say they cause drowsiness but none of them seem to cause it for me!

Oh… I got my first uni assignment back last Friday. We had all received emails saying that the majority had passed with grades C and D, some had F and not to sit and hope for an A or B. This wasn’t to “dishearten or demoralise” us, this was to encourage us to take on board the long page of feedback we all received and them deliberately marking in a very picky way so we could identify every little error we had made. So Friday drags by and my tutor group were the last to get their essays back. I watched the discussion forum fill up with people saying they just scraped a C or a D and a few say they had failed. So even though I had tried hard I was thinking in my head that if I got a C I would be happy. So when I got a B I was pretty over the moon!

So I think that’s everything that’s going on with me at the moment. Uni stuff, gym, sticking to the Atkins eating, went out again last weekend and got a bit drunk but it was a good laugh. I’m having a quiet night in this weekend as it’s my birthday weekend next weekend so I’m saving some pennies for that! After my last post about meeting with my ex we have continued to text one another and he was supposed to be coming down on Wednesday for lunch but I was feeling really ill so I cancelled. I’ve had bronchitis for a couple of weeks and it’s still here – really need to calm the smoking down which has increased like mad since starting dieting…. not so good….

I meet with CPN and new permanent CPN on Monday so I’m hoping to get on well with her and as she is permanent actually have a stable routine of once a week appointments again. A social worker I have been temporarily working with over the past couple of weeks has got a copy of my housing transfer request form and is looking over it for me to see if she can add any further evidence to my application. At the moment I think I am realistically going to be sleeping on my sofa (8 months now) and living in this one room terrified of the rest of my flat, of the flashbacks I get in that bedroom and I think I’m still going to be sitting here in a year’s time no further forward. Then the voice mixes in telling me nothing will ever change, it was just luck I did well on that uni assessment I will fail in the future, why am I trying to lose weight, I’ll never be slim and pretty again, why am I almost 31 and single… I will never fall in love again… and so on and so on… until I’m at the self harming point or the suicidal thoughts point. Well I guess if I acted on the latter then I wouldn’t need to worry about being re-housed nor them re-housing me would I…

So I think that’s me caught up with my 12 days of absence from my little rambling blog – oh there was one more thing I did this week that was pretty stupid, met some guy online and slept with him just to try and get the images of the assault out of my head, told myself that I wanted to, that I wanted to view sex ‘normally’ again but instead, within minutes of it being over I said I had to go… then I just felt dirty, disgusting and stupid ever since it happened. But this weekend is going to be a quiet one…. I’m not sure what to do with myself as yet… we shall see what happens…

 

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19:57 – What the hell is wrong with me?

23 Sep

I cannot stop crying. Like seriously cannot stop. I am shaking and crying and can hardly see what I’m typing because the tears are flowing so fast and hard. Every time I take a breath and try to calm myself down it just starts again. Everything is making me cry, every program I put on the TV, every time I try and play about with my essay for uni, the case study I am doing it on is such a sad story of two little kids aged 2 and 4 and the awful neglect they are experiencing. They aren’t even real kids, they are just made up for the purpose of a case study for the essay but it breaks my heart reading it.

I have X Factor on TV just now and am crying at every single song either because the lyrics have meaning to me or just pure and simply because the person is good at something (singing) and I feel like I have no talent in anything in life. I want to be good at something, I want to feel like a success for once and not a big fat failure. Earlier some program was on set in a maternity ward and watching all the babies being born (which I knew fine would upset me) – god – I was an absolute mess, breaking my heart over not having my little man, breaking my heart because all of those little babies came out screaming and all I could remember was that complete silence as my little one came out sleeping… straight off to the angels.

I feel as though I have accomplished nothing in my 30 years on this planet. All the things I thought I would have achieved by now – I have achieved none of them. I know I am doing this uni course and that is a positive thing but it’s still super early days, I have been at uni twice before in my life and both times dropped out at the end of first year… how do I know this time will be any different?

What if this is all my life is going to be… tears…self harm wounds…battling with suicidal thoughts…stuck in this flat that I hate so much…never being good at anything…remaining overweight…not able to get slim again…not able to have another baby…an earth baby…never being able to trust again therefore never having a relationship again… I know, I know, so much negativity… but that’s the only thoughts going around in my head…and then I’m back in that place again…wanting to hurt…deserving to hurt…maybe that’s the only thing I’m good at… hurting…feeling pain…trying to cry it all out and when that doesn’t work cutting it all out…

I wanted to write a positive post about how I had completed my first essay for uni a week early, how I have written up my meal plan for the next week, how I have thrown out every item of ‘bad’ food in my house in preparation of starting low carbing again. But I just feel crap and I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.

Sorry for being so depressing… I thought maybe writing it down would stop the tears…but no, they are still here… I feel so completely and utterly miserable and there is no reason for it, there is no reason for the tears, there is no reason for any of this, none that I can identify anyway, I’m finding myself wishing I hadn’t handed over all those tablets the other week to GP, yet I know taking them would achieve nothing. If I want to feel pain or cut it out I have a pack of blades in the drawer but I’m scared to do it again when I already have a big infection in my last bad wound…not scared to cut…scared of needing treatment…scared of the questions…scared of breaking down in front of them…scared of the truth coming out my mouth again.

I really do not know what is wrong with me. I don’t know how much longer I can hang onto those “things will get better again” thoughts because even when they do it never lasts for long. Is this just the way things are destined to be for me? I know I am the only person who can change everything I dislike about myself and my life but that takes strength and I have no idea where mine has gone.

 

Maybe this is what I need…

Fixing…

How do I fix myself…