Tag Archives: uni stuff

00:01 – Hoping and praying I’m doing the right thing

25 Nov

So… since I last posted I have made the rather huge decision to accept the offer of the housing transfer. I went with my Mum to view it for a second time on Friday afternoon and then had an hour to give them a final decision as they are closed over the weekend and if I didn’t want to take it then it would be offered to someone else on Monday. I felt massively under pressure and I still don’t know if I am doing the right thing but after an appointment with CPN#2 on Friday morning and talking things through with her I decided I do need to get out of this flat I’m in. There are memories everywhere I look and a huge amount of them are bad ones. But, as lovely support worker said to me on Thursday “the memories that you need to keep you will keep in your heart and no matter where you are living they will always stay with you” and I hope so much she is right.

The appointment with CPN#2 on Friday was one I’d actually go so far as to say it was ‘semi’ productive. Yes she asked what items I wanted to put on “the agenda” for the session which as you all know drives me mad… but for once I actually had things I wanted to talk about. I knew I’d have lots to say about the housing transfer so decided to make it our second thing on the agenda and first of all discuss the recent letter from the psychologist. I told CPN#2 that I’d felt a mix of emotions when I received the letter, initially I felt hopeful as I read the words that I was now at the top of the waiting list and the psychologist was now in a position to offer me an appointment… but then as I carried on reading and saw she was only able to offer me 4 sessions due to going on maternity leave in March I felt pretty gutted. I chose my words carefully and said to CPN#2 “I’m assuming you only recently found out yourself that the psychologist is pregnant again as I’m sure you wouldn’t have left me hanging on waiting for my sessions to resume with her knowing she was pregnant and knowing that’s why I had to stop working with her last time”… I looked out the window as I said it and CPN#2 didn’t say yes or no… she just left me to carry on talking.

I’m now quite sure CPN#2 probably has known for at least a month if not a couple of months and that was possibly my way of making a little dig at her to let her know that I knew she knew. But I kept myself composed and said that whilst I wished the psychologist all the best with her pregnancy, I really felt like I would find it extremely difficult to spend January and February watching her huge bump whilst also spending January and the start of February trying to keep myself mentally strong enough to get through my little one’s 7th anniversary. CPN#2 said that she understood and was sure the psychologist would understand as well. I told her I felt a little bit deflated after being on the waiting list since May and to finally be offered an appointment then not be able to take it. Again, I’m not really sure if we would have achieved much in four sessions anyway, but now it looks like I’m going to be waiting considerably longer. CPN#2 told me that they had been advertising the post for a replacement psychologist for a while (this is why I’m sure she clearly has known for a while that the psychologist was pregnant again yet kept telling me just to hang on as I was getting closer to the top of the list) but unfortunately they’ve had very little interest in the post so far. She went on to say that it was not looking very likely that they will have a new psychologist in post by March and I’d most likely be in for a long wait. So just as I felt like she couldn’t make me feel much more deflated she actually surprised me and said that she thought I really did need psychological input and was going to ask the psychologist if it would be possible for me to be referred to a different psychology team. Basically it is the team located at the psych hospital about 90 minutes from where I live and they offer an outpatient service so CPN#2 is going to speak with the psychologist and see if they could refer me there instead. I don’t know that I’d be overly keen in being back in the grounds of the psych hospital or having to travel 90 mins there and back each week/fortnight but I guess if they could start seeing me in the next couple of months it would be better than waiting for God only knows how long to see a psychologist here. So that was the end of that conversation and I guess I can only hope for good news the next time I see CPN#2 that they are going to make the referral.

After that conversation was over with we started talking about all of the pros and cons of moving house. I talked about everything that scares me about leaving my flat behind and moving onto somewhere new but CPN#2 kept pulling me back to the positives of it all. She sat for about ten minutes painting this lovely scene of me waking up on Christmas morning with my little doggies bouncing around on my bed playing with their new toys… me getting out of my bed and being able to open my back door whilst still in my pyjamas and let them out to the garden… relaxing in a nice hot bath and getting ready to see all my family… peace and quiet around me, no noisy neighbours… getting the doggies and my presents and just having a five minute walk round to my parents house… talking almost like the way they do on hypnotherapy cd’s and I wanted so so much to feel this happy relaxing scene she was painting but in my head all I could see was me being in my flat. She then started to talk about how I needed to try and separate my anxiety associated with my “illness” and normal anxiety. That moving house was stressful for everyone who does it and it was normal for me to be having all these doubts but that she really thinks I need to leave this flat now and start afresh.

So I left the appointment with CPN#2 and came home and got the dogs and went for a long walk with them for an hour and tried to get my head straight. Then Mum came and picked me up and we went for the second viewing of the house. There is a lot of work that needs doing in it. The whole place needs completely repainted, the walls are going to need sanding down as someone has obviously put some plaster on to cover up little cracks but not bothered to smooth it out so there are big bumpy bits all over the walls. The ceilings and skirting boards need painting too. The flooring isn’t in a very good condition but I think I’m going to take my flooring from this flat and have it re-laid in the house as the rooms are slightly smaller than in here so it should fit. So after twenty minutes or so of viewing it I said yes I would accept it and we then went to the housing office for me to sign the acceptance forms. I have an appointment at 3pm tomorrow to collect the keys and sign the tenancy agreement. Then we had to go to the housing association from whom I currently rent my flat and was told I have to give them a 28 day notice period that I am ending my tenancy here which is a pain as we then had to go to the housing benefit office who have said that they will only pay the rent on one property at a time so I’m going to have to try and move as quickly as possible… ideally within a week as I will have to pay the rent on the new property out of my own pocket until I hand the keys back for this flat. But Mum said not to worry about that and that she and my Dad would pay a week or two’s rent for me.

So tomorrow it’s all going to start feeling real. Once I have the keys Mum and I are going to spend a few hours in the new house cleaning it all. I also need to phone a couple of removal companies tomorrow and get quotes from them to see how much it is going to cost to move all my heavy stuff like furniture and electrical appliances. Then on Tuesday I will need to contact my gas and electricity companies and arrange to have pre-payment meters installed in the new house. I also need to go to the post office and get a form to arrange to have all my mail redirected for a month or two to give me the chance to contact everyone to notify them of my change of address. I also need to phone and arrange to have my phone line and broadband moved. Then I need to start packing all the things that can go into boxes that I can move with the help of the parents. I feel like I have sooo much to do and to be honest I’m finding it all quite overwhelming and scary… I’m so thankful I do have my parents to help me with all of this because I think I would have fallen to pieces by now if I had to try and do it all by myself.

Plus I have less than two weeks to write and submit my two final essays for this term which I had intended to try and make a start on this weekend but I went to an engagement party last night and had a little bit too much to drink and have been suffering for it all day today. My own fault but never mind… I’m sure I’ll get them done. Sometimes I feel like I work better when I’m under pressure with a deadline fast approaching as I have no choice but to just study and write and study and write until it’s done. Maybe not my best work but so long as I scrape a pass that is all I really care about. I may just get my phone line moved and study from my parents house whilst they’re at work using their internet… at least I don’t have any distractions there and should be able to get my head down and get some work done.

So the next couple of weeks are going to be crazy, hectic and super busy but hopefully in a fortnight’s time I will be fully moved, essays done and on my Christmas break from the uni course and able to relax and get the rest of my Christmas shopping done. I’m hoping and praying that I am doing the right thing and won’t regret leaving this flat as once I leave I can never get it back… that’s it gone for good to become someone else’s home. And that really does throw up a whole mix of emotions for me. Whilst I need that fresh start I will also be very sad and probably quite emotional when the day comes that I’m sleeping here for the very last night. I have a feeling I am going to just sit here completely consumed with so many memories of the past 7 and a half years jumping into my head. But I am trying to trust my instincts and the words of advice other people are giving me and I do need a blank canvas to start creating new memories in… a new place to build into my home… right now it might just be ‘a house’ but I can make it ‘a home’ eventually I’m sure.

Big, scary adult decisions… argh!

Well I think 2000 words of rambling is quiet enough! I can’t quite believe that this time tomorrow I will be sitting here with the keys to my new house. It’s all happened so fast I just hope I can keep up and it doesn’t start going too fast that I get myself all into a big mess.

Deep breaths… keep calm… think of the positives… and when it all starts feeling overwhelming take a couple of Diazepam, try to be mindful and try to calm down… I guess that’s all I can do :/

Scared just doesn’t cut it. But I keep telling myself I’m only getting the keys tomorrow, I’m not moving tomorrow, I won’t be moving for at least a week yet, the more time I spend round at the new house getting it looking nicer the more familiar it will become and the more comfortable I will be when the official moving day comes around. I bet this last week of living here is going to fly by.

Another chapter of my life closing and another empty one just beginning…

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17:37 – 12 days of no ramblings!

19 Oct

Hello!

I don’t know where I’ve been for the past 12 days that I haven’t thought of writing about my ramblings. What I can say is that I have now lost a total of 20 lbs (1 stone 6lbs) so I’m most happy with that. Some people who I haven’t seen in a few weeks have said they can see it in my face, but, I’m at that awkward stage when you have quite a lot of weight to lose and I’m like in between dress sizes. Haven’t quite dropped a full size yet so hovering somewhere in the middle. This Atkins lifestyle is hard going, there have been so many times where I’ve wanted to just give up on it but each time I stand on the scales and see quite large weight losses week by week (that’s me around 4 weeks in now and lost 20 lbs in that time) so yeah, that spurs me on to keep going with it. I still have about 3 stone 6 lbs to lose (just short of 50 lbs) so a long way to go yet! But hopefully by Christmas I’ll have that first dress size off and people will start to notice a little šŸ™‚

What else has been happening? I’ve started the gym now and go on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 2-3pm. An hour’s work out is actually quite tough going especially when you have one of the gym instructors in your ear pushing you just to do 5 more minutes when you’re already dripping with sweat! But it’s all worth it I guess – a nicer body would make a happier me…

I’ve also seen Mr Psychiatrist this week. I’m concerned I’m hearing a voice again but I told him this voice is very much getting caught up in my own racing thoughts making it hard to distinguish at times which is which. In light of that we decided to increase my Quetiapine (Seroquel) from 500mg to 600mg and I can increase again to 700mg in a fortnight if my head is still being crazy. I also spoke to him about how bad my sleep still is and that sleeping tablets just don’t help. It’s not the getting to sleep part I have the problem with, it’s the staying asleep part. I sleep for 1-2 hours then feel like someone has just shaken me and I wake up startled and alert and wondering what’s going on, then I have to get up just to check everything is ok around me, check the door is double locked, get back onto my sofa which is STILL my bed and lie there for perhaps 45 mins maybe an hour then I go back to sleep again for another couple of hours and then the exact same thing happens again. It leaves me feeling really drained and zombified. I hoped the increase in Quetiapine might make me slightly sleepier but apparently not. All the drugs I’m on all say they cause drowsiness but none of them seem to cause it for me!

Oh… I got my first uni assignment back last Friday. We had all received emails saying that the majority had passed with grades C and D, some had F and not to sit and hope for an A or B. This wasn’t to “dishearten or demoralise” us, this was to encourage us to take on board the long page of feedback we all received and them deliberately marking in a very picky way so we could identify every little error we had made. So Friday drags by and my tutor group were the last to get their essays back. I watched the discussion forum fill up with people saying they just scraped a C or a D and a few say they had failed. So even though I had tried hard I was thinking in my head that if I got a C I would be happy. So when I got a B I was pretty over the moon!

So I think that’s everything that’s going on with me at the moment. Uni stuff, gym, sticking to the Atkins eating, went out again last weekend and got a bit drunk but it was a good laugh. I’m having a quiet night in this weekend as it’s my birthday weekend next weekend so I’m saving some pennies for that! After my last post about meeting with my ex we have continued to text one another and he was supposed to be coming down on Wednesday for lunch but I was feeling really ill so I cancelled. I’ve had bronchitis for a couple of weeks and it’s still here – really need to calm the smoking down which has increased like mad since starting dieting…. not so good….

I meet with CPN and new permanent CPN on Monday so I’m hoping to get on well with her and as she is permanent actually have a stable routine of once a week appointments again. A social worker I have been temporarily working with over the past couple of weeks has got a copy of my housing transfer request form and is looking over it for me to see if she can add any further evidence to my application. At the moment I think I am realistically going to be sleeping on my sofa (8 months now) and living in this one room terrified of the rest of my flat, of the flashbacks I get in that bedroom and I think I’m still going to be sitting here in a year’s time no further forward. Then the voice mixes in telling me nothing will ever change, it was just luck I did well on that uni assessment I will fail in the future, why am I trying to lose weight, I’ll never be slim and pretty again, why am I almost 31 and single… I will never fall in love again… and so on and so on… until I’m at the self harming point or the suicidal thoughts point. Well I guess if I acted on the latter then I wouldn’t need to worry about being re-housed nor them re-housing me would I…

So I think that’s me caught up with my 12 days of absence from my little rambling blog – oh there was one more thing I did this week that was pretty stupid, met some guy online and slept with him just to try and get the images of the assault out of my head, told myself that I wanted to, that I wanted to view sex ‘normally’ again but instead, within minutes of it being over I said I had to go… then I just felt dirty, disgusting and stupid ever since it happened. But this weekend is going to be a quiet one…. I’m not sure what to do with myself as yet… we shall see what happens…

 

22:15 – Meeting advocacy & other ramblings

2 Oct

I guess you could call today another reasonably productive day. I went to see my social worker and she came with me to my first meeting with advocacy. I explained my situation about the housing transfer application and how I feel like I’m going to be waiting forever to be moved somewhere I can be happy living in. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted from them but we had a chat about things and they said they would write a letter or email on my behalf and try to make the housing association re-read my file, and ask them for a realistic timescale in which I will be re-housed. I know it’s going to end up taking about a year though. I even went into the housing association afterwards and expanded my areas in which I’m willing to be re-housed to, hopefully with more areas then I have more chance of a quicker move.

So it was good to meet the woman who co-ordinates things and the woman who is a volunteer who is going to contact the housing association for me. She said she should hopefully be able to get back to me by the end of the week with some more information.

It was also nice to see and spend some time with my social worker. I know these are going to be the last few times I see her over the next little while and I’m happy that if things have to come to an end that they will do so on a happier note. I still have my moments of wishing things were how they were a couple of years back but I guess time moves on, lives change, situations change and one day I will have to be big enough and strong enough to stand on my own two feet, one day with no professional involvement at all if I manage to establish some form of recovery.

I keep trying to think that recovery, or walking the path of recovery is where I’m at just now, but this is mainly because CPN tells me that. Sometimes I don’t really feel it, I mean lets face it things haven’t exactly been great lately with one pretty severe self harm wound and a second not quite so severe but still requiring medical help. My moods have been very emotional, I have cried a crazy amount over the past few weeks. Sometimes I’m sure I can hear a voice again swirling around in my head telling me I’m not good enough, that I won’t be able to complete my Uni course, that I’m kidding myself that I’m going to complete a degree and have a good career one day, telling me I’m always going to fail, whispering to me that it’s all pointless and my life equally as pointless and I don’t know if it’s all my own thoughts and my own voice I hear repeatedly chanting away to me or if it’s something external… but something external or maybe it’s internal… any type of ‘voice’ is not something I’m willing to consider right now.

In conversation with my social worker today I mentioned that this is always the time of year I seem to start feeling rather unwell. October through to February/March time are like my danger months. And no, I don’t think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder to add to my list of quirks, it’s just the amount of child related things that happen over those months that is what really gets me down.

It’s my birthday at the end of the month, the 28th of October, and it’s not a day I look forward to any more. This year I will be 31 and still single and sleeping on a sofa in a flat I hate, a flat that I just feel so unhappy in. And then a few days later comes Halloween and I have to do the pretend smiling stuff as I help best friend get the kids ready and take them out trick or treating. Then it’s Christmas and like last year, best friend wants me to stay overnight on Christmas Eve at hers so I wake up with her and the kids and watch them open their presents. And somewhere deep within I need to bury all the hurt it makes me feel. Then we get into the new year and the run up to my little one’s anniversary begins and that takes me up to February, then I always have a couple of weeks of feeling really low after the anniversary because it brings back all the memories and also means spending a short period of time acting as civil as I can towards my ex-fiancĆ©.

So yeah… a bit wary of how things are going to be over the next few months.

Changing the topic (because I’m starting to feel sad) my Atkins online planner informed me that I wasn’t eating enough “leafy green vegetables” today. I eat a full bag of iceberg lettuce every day but apparently that’s not enough. So I walked over to the supermarket and picked up a brocolli, a leafy green cabbage, and some green beans. Came home and boiled the lot up in a pot with some sugar and salt free vegetable stock then blasted it with the blender. And poured a lovely big cup of it to have with my dinner. It was properly disgusting, bland, tasteless, every mouthful made me feel sick and I like all of the ingredients but just not blended together in some strange green soup. So I let it cool down, put it in the fridge and tried it as a ‘smoothie’ – it was equally as disgusting but I forced it down.

I have enough for another big glass tomorrow and Thursday. Lucky me eh!

Well it’s that time of night again… 10pm and time to take medication, walk the dogs, and try and wind down with all the lights off. In other words lie awake in the dark for hours, being restless and getting up to have a cigarette, getting water, going to the toilet, flicking the TV on and off, trying to sleep again, watching the clock tick through hour after hour, staying offline because I know it will only keep me from sleeping even longer. Finally somewhere around 4/5am falling asleep out of exhaustion and waking up again when the postman comes at 8.30am and the dogs start barking like mad.

Tomorrow’s plans… pick up weekly prescription, go to a&e for “final” wound check (it better be the final one this time, I’m sure they are as sick of seeing me as I am going there and having my wounds on display for examination). Then at 2pm I am going to have my tattoo shaded and a couple of little lines fixed before the colouring begins. I was going pretty much every few days/every week for a while but it was draining me financially so it’s kinda been put on hold for a while but I’m going to try and get it all finished over the next month or two. I think it should only take maybe 2 x 2 hour sittings to get it all coloured, she said colouring it shouldn’t take as long as all the outlining and shading. I’m sort of glad I’m getting it done tomorrow because I’ve been experiencing a lot of self harm thoughts this evening, completely out of the blue, and I actually get some strange perverse pleasure out of being tattooed, I get the pain without the scars. The pain becomes a creation. It’s a good pain. I know I could grab handfuls of ice cubes (if I had any in my freezer) and get pain without scars but it just doesn’t work for me. Nothing works for me but the real thing. It’s all or nothing with me…

So yeah, tomorrow should be another fairly busy day. Thursday I think will be a quieter one where I focus on some Uni work. Friday I have a session with the other/new social worker which I can’t say I’m looking forward to because I really don’t see what the point is in me seeing yet another new person for a whole 3/4 weeks to then be introduced and start working with yet another new person albeit one who is actually permanent. But current CPN thinks I need someone to talk to each week because of all the self harming and deep down I know she’s right, I know I would panic a little if I was left completely on my own for a month but opening up to new people is always hard. Then later in the afternoon on Friday I have an appointment with rape crisis woman as today’s appointment was cancelled.

Right I think I have rambled on enough for now… time to face the rain and walk these dogs.

Night folks.

17:33 – Drained and struggling

17 Sep

I am so tired. I had to get up at 6.30am so that I could give the bathroom a clean, have a shower, get dressed and walk the dogs for 8am when the guys were coming to rip my shower out. They didn’t even appear until 8.45am, I could have had almost another hour in bed grrr. So everything has been ripped out and tomorrow all the new stuff goes in. Can’t wait til it’s over with, I hate people being in my personal space all day even though I know it’s to make the place look nicer.

I have spent the entire day from when I woke up until about 4pm doing uni work, I have pretty much done the whole of this week’s work in one day. But I have quite a few appointments and stuff this week and I still have a textbook chapter to read so it’ll be OK. I paid the money Mum gave me into the bank this morning and went straight onto amazon when I got home and bought my one remaining textbook I need. So hopefully it should arrive in a couple of days.

I feel really drained today, more than likely due to only having about 4 hours sleep. I feel like I could just close my eyes and doze off just now but the dogs will need another walk in about an hour plus it’s only just gone 5pm and I can’t go to sleep at this time or I’ll be awake again by 11pm and awake all night – the time the crazies start to get to me.

The weather today has been so horrible, really heavy rain all day long, I’m sick of looking at it and hearing it hitting off the windows. The sky is so grey and it certainly does nothing to lift my mood.

This morning the senior charge nurse from a&e phoned me. She had just received the letter that CPN sent saying that they must inform the mental health team of every time I attend a&e. The charge nurse was like, are you sure you are happy to agree to this because normally we only share your notes with your GP and that is it. She even said to me that after the recent sexual assault for example, only a couple of members of a&e staff knew about it, that they generally don’t discuss patients with each other even if they are regular attenders like myself. I told her it hadn’t been my idea, it was CPN’s idea and I said to be honest I don’t know if I want every single time I attend a&e sent to her, because I might have to attend for something non mental health related and it will automatically go to the mental health team as well now. Plus the fact that CPN is leaving very soon, social worker is still nowhere to be seen, and I don’t know what new CPN is going to be like… I don’t know if I’m going to get on well with her and whether I’ll want them getting notes of my a&e attendances. It also means they will know every single time I self harm and when they know then they can tell Mr Psychiatrist. Then again I guess GP could do that anyway.

So I said to her that I would agree to it for the moment but when this new CPN starts if I don’t feel that I want her knowing every time I attend a&e then I’d request for the mental health team to no longer be informed. As the charge nurse said to me on the phone, I’m a 30 year old woman, I’m an adult and can make my own choices on who I want to know what about my life. She said it was extremely unusual for them to be asked to share information about patient’s attending the a&e department (as obviously it’s confidential) and to be honest she didn’t sound particularly happy about doing it, but I said I agree for now, if I didn’t agree it would only be something for CPN to moan at me about on Wednesday.

I’ve never really been sure if I like the charge nurse, she is very serious in her attitude, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her smile, but she was actually really nice on the phone and said she saw I had been up on Wednesday and had self harmed and asked how I was feeling today and I told her about seeing GP and having to give her all the tablets and that I’d be up at the a&e dept tomorrow to get my stitches taken out. She said to me to remember if I needed help to go and see them, of course I said I would, but the reason I have stayed glued to my uni stuff all day is because every time I stop just for a second I want to self harm again. Even with people in my house I wanted to do it. And I’ve fought it and fought it but I’m tired and drained and struggling now. The guys are away home, but I promised my Mum I would try and stay safe and be in one piece when they get back from their holidays next Monday. Mum text me a couple of hours ago to say they have arrived at their hotel. I can’t remember if she said it was Paros or Paxos that they were going to, it’s a really small Greek island anyway.

Argh, the self harm thoughts are so strong it is horrible. I seriously don’t want to end up in a&e tonight and I don’t want to self harm during the night then go up in the morning to have stitches out and present with a new wound. I don’t want to slip, I must fight through this, or if I really must cut maybe one little shallow one would get it out my system just for the next few hours.

Blah.

I have to be at the hospital at 9.30am tomorrow to go to the sexual health clinic for my results that I forgot to get last Tuesday. I’m assuming everything has come back clear or they would have phoned or written to me saying I need to go back and see them.

I am struggling bad right now. There is so much damage I want to do to myself yet I don’t want the consequences. I’m trying really really hard to stay distracted but I don’t know if I’m going to manage to make it without at least doing one little cut just do get the urges out.

21:31 – And I finally lost the plot

12 Sep

Today has been a shit day. This post has talk of self harm just to let you know in advance.

I had a shit night’s sleep, I woke up in a horrible mood, I was crying within half an hour of being awake. Thoughts were just spiralling round and round in my head, I felt so many emotions, I felt so angry and so alone and so messed up. I tried to go back to sleep, it was only 7am but I couldn’t. I tried to distract myself watching TV but I was just blank. So I sat and wrote a letter, to no one in particular, about how I felt regarding my care team at the moment. Basically a lot of what I wrote in my last post – that I felt completely unsupported by them right now. Come 9am I knew that today was going to be the day I lost the plot and did something stupid. By 10.30am I had got a stanley knife blade (yes I went blade shopping again yesterday after getting rid of them all just a couple of weeks ago) and that stanley knife blade resulted in an angry slash right down over my calf muscle. I then put a bandage around it and tried to go back to sleep.

But the sleep didn’t happen. There was blood everywhere despite a tight bandage being on. So I got dressed and walked the dogs. Then around 11.45 I took myself to a&e and sat there depressed, saying very little, just showed them my leg without even looking at it myself and heard her saying it would definitely need stitches. She asked me to go back to the waiting room because the room where the stitches were was being used but by this point it was like 12.35 and I had my CPN at 1pm. So I phone my CPN and tell her I am in a&e waiting for stitches and might be a little bit late. She tells me I have until 1.20pm to get there or she won’t be able to see me until next week. How that is the case when our appointments last an hour I don’t know but anyway I went back to the a&e nurse and told her and she said she didn’t think I’d be stitched up by 1.20pm so she took me back into the room and put a dressing and another tight bandage around my leg and told me to go to my appointment – the mental health team building is in the same grounds as the hospital – and to come back straight after it to get stitched up.

So I went to the appointment with CPN and I read her the letter I had written earlier in the morning. I straight out told her that I thought she had dealt with the situation on Friday really badly, that she hadn’t followed my crisis plan and had just passed the buck to my GP. She said to me if I didn’t feel like she was supporting me properly then she would ask the manager to assign me to work with someone else. I told her I didn’t want that to happen, what I wanted was for her to admit that she didn’t follow my crisis plan correctly. She neither admitted nor denied it, she said she was sorry I felt that way and I carried on with my letter.

The next part of the letter spoke about the amount of time I spent working with the last CPN on composing the crisis plan and how I feel as though I’ve always stuck to my part – i.e. if I have put myself in any medical danger I don’t call the mental health team I take responsibility for what I have done and I go to a&e if the injury/overdose is serious enough. Yet their part of the crisis plan was to recognise that when I was in a crisis situation they would see me and make a plan to keep me safe for the next 24 hours for example. Has that happened when I’ve been expressing all these self harm and suicidal thoughts lately? No.

I then moved on to what the point of the CPA meetings were when the agreements made at them weren’t being kept by certain people. I told CPN I was angry that social worker had agreed to monthly contact and never followed through with it and was in fact, uncontactable in all ways. CPN agreed with me that was not good and she also said it was not good that a&e had been asked to tell them any time I attended there and they didn’t do that after the recent sexual assault, it was me who had to tell CPN then CPN apparently went up to a&e to ask what had gone on although I didn’t know that until today. So she wrote a letter to a&e telling them again that they must inform the mental health team of any of my visits.

CPN said to me she could see why I was feeling unsupported by them at the moment – well by my CPN and social worker. The woman from rape crisis and a&e and lovely GP have always been helpful and supportive. She said herself if it was her that was me she would probably be feeling quite rejected so she obviously realised that she didn’t follow the crisis plan correctly on Friday. She raised the issue about my social worker again and I said that I personally felt as though because 5 months has now passed where she hasn’t stuck to the monthly contact agreement that she no longer had an excuse and was just avoiding me because she wouldn’t know what to say to me any more if I asked her what was going on. CPN said this was very bad practice and asked me why I still wanted social worker in my care team if I felt this way. I had written down a list of reasons why I had wanted to keep social worker in my care team, like CPN asked me to on the phone yesterday and I gave her the list. She agreed with all my reasons and said they were all valid ones, but she still wondered why I wanted to keep someone in my care team when I felt so let down by them. She suggested it was out of some sort of loyalty and maybe she is right. When I was first going properly bonkers about 3 years ago my social worker was my rock. She was amazing. If I look back on posts way back when I first started writing this blog I talked so much about how lucky I was to have her in my care team and how much incredible support she gave me. And the thing is that despite the past 5 months, I still remember ‘back then’ I still remember her as the lovely social worker, the one who gave a damn about me. And no matter how frustrated and even angry I have felt/am feeling towards her at the moment I will never ever forget how much she made me feel like she cared. And that is something that is hard to let go of, I will still sing her praises even when I’m moaning about her and saying I think she is avoiding and ignoring me and that she no longer cares about me. What can I say? She spent a hell of a lot longer being a good person in my life than what she has spent as a not so good one and for some reason I hang onto that.

CPN then started to tell me that as she is leaving at the end of this month and going to be handing me over to the new permanent CPN that is starting, that there is going to be about a 4 week period where she will be busy with the new CPN and may not be able to see me much over that time while new CPN settles in. So her suggestion was that I work with social worker on a weekly basis for 4 weeks until I start working with new CPN properly and that this would also give the chance for me to feel supported by social worker again, for the bad feelings towards her to go away and then maybe at the end of the 4 weeks I would feel ready to say to social worker to go ahead and discharge me. I said I would like for that to happen but I knew it wouldn’t. I just know social worker will not see me again. CPN said that if she asks social worker to see me over those 4 weeks and thinks for any reason that social worker won’t stick to it then she will arrange for someone else to see me. She promised me she wouldn’t leave me with no contact person or appointments for a month.

Then… the most ‘pathetic?’ thing happens (I don’t want to call it that but that is genuinely how it looked and felt). CPN says she will walk me back to a&e to get my leg stitched up but needed to go to the toilet and put my notes away so she said to go and have a cigarette out the front and she’d be 5 minutes. So I’m standing outside having a smoke and I hear a car and naturally glance round. It is social worker. Now social worker ALWAYS parks right next to the mental health team building, then there is a kinda car park thing as well which only had maybe 4 cars in it. But social worker sees me standing there, we glance at each other for maybe a second, and she carries on driving right the way up to the furthest point she could get to where there are only two tiny little spaces. I turned my back and finished my cigarette. I glanced back round, she was still in her car away up the top. I almost laughed because I could be completely wrong but my head said to me – she has seen you and hopes you haven’t seen her and is actually hiding up there so you don’t speak to her – CPN then appears out the building and I say to her, “guess what social worker has just arrived back” so CPN says lets go and speak to her and see if we can sort this situation out. I say to CPN that she is in for a walk and point to where social worker has parked her car (and was STILL in her car). CPN looked genuinely puzzled and said she now didn’t know whether to agree with me that social worker was actually avoiding me, she said “I don’t understand why she has parked away up there, she always parks down here and there are plenty of spaces”. She said she would try and find an opportunity to speak to social worker and ask her if there was a reason why she wasn’t seeing me, and see if she could get some sort of answers for me. She also said she would give her the list that I wrote about why I wanted to keep her in my care team. And then came the magic moment, CPN says “why do you want to keep someone in your care team when they areĀ ignoring you?” she ADMITTED it! She agreed with me! I’m not going bonkers, social worker really is avoiding me! And I have no idea why…

Gosh this post is getting long.

So we go back to a&e, CPN says she will see me next week and try and talk to social worker in the meantime, I sit in a&e for a while then the doctor came and got me – the same one who had seen me the day after the sexual assault. There was a nurse in the room as well who I have seen a couple of times after self harming and she is really nice. The doctor is nice as well, but was concerned about me. But then he asked to see the wound and there was a moment that was actually kind of amusing and made us all smile for a moment, he realised it was my calf muscle I had cut into and (sorry this is gross) but when I bent my leg you could see all the fat layers pushing right out of the cut, and the doctor’s face kinda went white just for a brief second and he said “I know I’m a doctor but there is something about calf muscles that has always made me feel a bit sick when I see them” and the nurse asked the poor guy if he wanted her to take over. We all giggled just for a second. But it took the horrible-ness of the situation away and relaxed things. The doctor took a breath and said no he would be brave and face his calf muscle fear lol. Between the two of them they got 4 sutures in, glue between all the sutures, steri-strips on top and then a dressing and bandage. I have to go back on Tuesday to have my stitches taken out.

He asked me why I did it and I told him my head has been really messed up since the assault, that I have had hard decisions to make regarding whether to make a formal police statement, that it has brought a lot of my childhood abuse memories back again and I was struggling with it all, but that I was getting good support from rape crisis. I told him we’d had a CPA meeting on Thursday last week and I’d told CPN and Mr Psychiatrist that I was having suicidal thoughts and had been self harming again, but I’d managed to keep the self harming quite shallow so it hadn’t needed medical attention. He said he knew this obviously wasn’t any kind of suicide attempt – after all who would cut their calf open to try and off themselves? But that he was concerned the suicidal thoughts were still there. I reassured him I didn’t want to walk down that path again and although the thoughts were present I had no plan to act on them. I told him I couldn’t put my family through that again and today I had cut out of anger and frustration and just feeling really utterly crappy and alone. He urged me to go back and see them if I thought I was going to act on the suicidal thoughts before I acted upon them and let them help me; but besides medicating me I don’t really know what they can do. I told him I’d been very low on Friday and had seen lovely GP and been given Nitrazepam to get me through the weekend but that I knew I couldn’t rely on medications to get me through all these emotions. Somehow I have to face them all and go through the hurt and the unpleasantness and not medicate my way through it all. He was glad to hear I had started my uni course on Monday and was managing to use that as some sort of a distraction.

And so, other than seeing my best friend and the kids for a little while and having dinner with them, that has been my day. I knew this day was coming, it was creeping up slowly over the past few weeks and I finally lost it and cut real bad, but I feel like something is out of my system now, I feel calmer now I have done it, I do of course have some regrets like that I have scarred myself again but I guess it’s much better I cut than swallowed a shitload of medication and tried to do myself in. I feel some sort of a relief from it, I hope now I have done it that I won’t feel the need to do it again. I will admit I do have a pack of blades back in the house and the doctor asked me if I would at least consider throwing them and all medications that I didn’t need in the bin. I told him I’d think about it.

I was supposed to be meeting with the woman from the charity I want to start doing voluntary work with tomorrow but my head isn’t in the right place for it just now so I phoned her (and she sounds so lovely) and just made up an excuse that I had a lot of uni stuff on this week and didn’t want to not attend when I’d only just started the course and could we postpone. Unfortunately her next available date when she is in my area isn’t until the 1st of October but that should hopefully give me enough time to straighten things out in my head again and be in a much better place to appear as a good person to work with their charity and the young people they work with. I can’t support others if I can’t support myself so I truly hope over the next couple of weeks things might start to feel better. That the suicidal thoughts will pass or at least become manageable and that I won’t self harm again before then.

I have nothing planned for tomorrow other than to do my weekly food shopping if I can face the supermarket. And I hope my textbooks I bought on amazon will start arriving so I can busy myself with doing some reading. On Friday I am seeing lovely GP just for a catch up and will have to tell her about the self harming, she will have the notes about it from a&e anyway. I hope I won’t be in a mess again asking for medication to get me through yet another weekend. I want to face this weekend head on, I just don’t know if I have the strength yet.

Well now that I have been writing for over an hour and almost 3000 words I think it’s time to log off, put my pj’s on and watch some TV, try and stay distracted and hope for a better night’s sleep tonight. Tomorrow can’t be any worse than today and that’s the only positive thought I am hanging onto for now.