I am fucked. Had my mate round again last night and each took 4 of the little magic pills. We laughed so much I was aching. Apparently a couple of glasses of wine go well with the little magic moments. We were doing all sorts of crazy nonsense but it was so much fun. So he ended up staying until the middle of the night and I had to get up at 9am to get a parcel from Mr Postman. I thought it would be fun to have another little one with my morning meds and then go and take the dogs a walk, so out I went until 10am floating along in my own little bubble, no one around, no one to freak me out, no one to make me paranoid, just me and the nice scenery and the dogs.
Now it’s two hours on and the little floaty buzz is still around but more than anything I’m feeling the desire to have some sleep. I want to go and get some but a guy is coming round in a couple of hours to help me out with something and I know I won’t wake up in time. Maybe I will text him and meet him tomorrow instead. I don’t have the yawns but my eyes feel so much happier with the lids pressed firmly together. Also I have booked my tattoo for Thursday, I am getting this angel-devil on the back of my neck, it feels like it sums me up, I have my nice angelic side and then the side that satan the devil takes over so much. I was going to get a complete devil with 666 but the tattooist said he thought I’d regret it. I couldn’t very well explain to him I’m only doing it to shut the fucking voice up in my head that are setting me my initiation task to prove myself to the devil, prove I will never be worthy of the Lord, give myself to Satan. I couldn’t tell him all that could I? So, as my other five tattoos are all in black, I picked this design instead. I quite like it actually. It is the devil with his thorny wings and stinging tail, but with a halo above it to show I do try to be good. It says so much to me, but probably very little to others. And the voices haven’t been giving me hell over my choice so they seem happy too 🙂
Oh and just before I go, it is now Friday and I still have not – seen/met/had any contact from – my new CPN. Nor has anyone phoned to tell me about the short term use of a support worker. So that’s probably part of the reason I’ve just been getting off my face, because in my own little floaty world, thoughts about cutting and obeying voices quieten down and I get a warmly welcomed rest for a few hours. And I should state here that these little magic pills I have been taking are completely legal, they do not in any way make me want to go out and abuse hard drugs, and as far as I can tell they do not have any impact on my medication. But no doubt people will disagree and say that any drug on top of my prescribed meds could have the potential to destabilise me, but you know what… I’m already bloody destabilised. [And yes I am completely aware that drugs like meow meow (Mephedrone) started off as legal highs, then fucked some people up and is now illegal.] But these little pills just take away anxieties, make everything floaty, and help me sleep. All of which are good for my mental health (in my opinion!)
Back to the tattoo: