If I thought I was stressed out when I last posted I’m even more so now. I’ve managed to get my two uni essays finished and submitted in time so I’m glad they are over with even though they are both really crap but so long as they scrape a pass that’s all I’m really caring about to be honest. I now have an official moving date which is Monday. The parents have got a van sorted, I have got my brother and my best friend’s boyfriend to help with the heavy stuff and I’ve got a carpet fitter sorted. But I still have soooo much to do. I haven’t even started packing things into boxes yet but now that the essays are out of the way I can spend Fri, Sat and Sun getting my whole life packed into boxes and bagging up all the rubbish that’s to go to the skip.
There are a lot of problems with the new house, a lot more than what I first thought. At first I thought it was mainly cosmetic stuff that needed doing and once it was completely redecorated it would all be OK. But as it turns out there is a lot of damp as there are broken and missing tiles on the roof. We had such strong winds last night another two were off and lying in the garden today. There is a big crack on the outside of one of the walls that has come through into the bedroom and that wall which my Dad has now painted twice is not drying out properly at all because of it. The living room wall has a big damp patch as well. The property inspector finally came out today almost two weeks after I reported there being dampness in the house and thankfully he is putting the job through as an emergency which means that they will hopefully get the roof tiles fixed tomorrow so the dampness doesn’t get any worse.
I got a letter from the council telling me that they have suspended my housing benefit until I give them an official moving in date which is adding to the stress as I now have my current housing association on my case about rent arrears. I’m also trying to sort out having my mail redirected but my postcode won’t bring up the correct address on their system so I have to complete a form in a post office branch which was fine but they are asking for two forms of address ID which have to be within the last 3 months and I have changed to paperless billing for everything so that is stressing me out as well trying to get a couple of companies to quickly send me stuff out as it takes five days to set up which means I need to hang onto the keys for here for extra days so I can still get my mail. I also need to arrange for someone to come out from my current housing association to do an inspection so they can see I’ve not wrecked the place! And I still need to contact BT to have my phone line and internet moved as well. So yeah… lots to do and it’s all sending my anxiety levels through the roof. The next few days are going to be crazy busy and I’m just crossing my fingers now and hoping that this dampness situation can be resolved as I don’t want to be living in a damp house!
For some reason I’ve been getting a lot of urges to self harm again. There is no obvious reason for this, I think it’s because I am that stressed that I need something to ground me because my head keeps overthinking about all the what if’s and all the things I need to do then it speeds up too fast then it slows down too slow and I just feel as though I can’t think straight at all. One minute I feel OK the next I’m having a full on panic attack then my thoughts are racing and no matter how many times I try and have words with myself that moving house is a big stressful event and it’s ‘normal’ to feel really anxious it just doesn’t seem to sink in and I just feel like I’m getting closer and closer to losing the plot.
OK, I guess as it’s almost 2am I better think about trying to get some sleep. I’m tired yet wide awake. My head has been hurting all day but I think that’s because I forgot to take my morning meds and probably the stress mixed in with it too. So a good night’s sleep would be most welcome but it seems when I go to bed at the moment my heart likes to start playing funny buggers with me and doing that horrible palpitating thing then beating super fast for no apparent reason. Anxiety everywhere and all of the time! I just can’t escape it… argh! I’ve had a good dose of Diazepam about half an hour ago so hopefully that will do the trick to let me get some proper sleep tonight but so far I don’t feel much effect from them, think I may need to take a little extra one or two.
Goodnight folks x
I had another reasonably good day but tonight has just been so confusing and anxiety provoking.
I managed to go to my appointment this afternoon with my support worker from rape crisis and we had a good long chat about a lot of things – mainly things I was rambling on about blaming myself for and her telling me that I’m always so hard on myself. I’m not, I know I’m to blame for stuff and she says that’s not true, but, whatever. I can’t find the strength to debate it.
I told her about the house exchange, how confused I am about it all. How can you be so sure that something is what you both want and need but then be offered that thing and feel nothing but anxiety surrounding it all? No excitement, not even the tiniest bit of happiness about it. I just want it to go away. I don’t have the energy for all the upheaval that moving home brings. Support worker got where I was coming from, she understood and said that I have to do what *I* want and not do anything just to make someone else happy and live to regret it. See, I’ve been thinking about it from every angle (over-thinking it more like) and I’ve realised that if I go ahead with it then I will be taken off the transfer list because it will be seen that I have a home that meets all my needs. But I just have such a bad feeling about it all. I have convinced myself that I won’t be happy there, that I can’t cope with the anxiety at the moment on top of an already very stressful time of year for me, I’m trying to balance my head crazies and not let them tip me over the edge and right now just feels like completely and utterly the wrong time to think about moving anywhere.
Support worker agreed it sounded like too much stress for me and said she was worried that if I take that extra stress on I will put myself at too much risk of becoming unwell again and she knows how much I want to avoid any hospital admissions this winter. I don’t want a repeat of last year or the year before. I want to get through Christmas and New Year and then the little one’s anniversary all in one piece with no suicide attempts or episodes of psychosis or any of the other bad stuff.
I gave my Mum a call tonight and ended up talking to her for almost two hours. She said it sounded like I had already decided that I’m not going ahead with the house swap now (argh only yesterday I was saying I think I am going to do it! what is wrong with me?!?) so we talked about the things we could do to make my flat all nice and cosy and get my bedroom all re-organised and nice clean bedding on and try to overcome this phobia I’ve developed of the bedroom. I really don’t know what to do, I am so confused. I just want to be happy. Or happier would do. And I don’t know where I’d be more happy and if I stay where I am for now I may get offered a transfer in six months time to a house which feels ‘right’ and when the time feels ‘right’.
I’m now really scared to tell the girl that I’m having second thoughts because she is really unpredictable and wouldn’t think twice about having a full blown argument with me about it or telling me I was letting her down or whatever else she wanted to shout about. And I don’t think I can handle that. I couldn’t deal with confrontation at the moment. How do I tell her?
I need to make a decision on this as soon as possible. I can’t deal with all the anxiety it’s giving me and I really don’t know what to do for the best. And if I decide I need to stay here I really don’t know how I tell the girl I don’t want to go ahead with it?
Ugh. I just want to run and hide away somewhere ’til I miraculously wake up feeling like a normal happy person again.
I briefly mentioned to one of the nurses on Friday morning that it would be nice to go home for the weekend; I didn’t even think she was listening to me let alone away to ask the doc to see me. My psych’s registrar guy came and asked me lots of questions as is the norm for him and then said that providing he could speak to my mum on the phone first then I could go!
So he had a chat to her and things were all very quick from there as I had like an hour to get my meds sorted, pack a bag, eat some lunch and run for the bus. Got home Friday afternoon to discover my dad was in hospital. He had just been taken in as I was on my way home. He has a condition called cellulitis which makes a leg swell really bad and go bright red. It usually takes about 5 days of iv antibiotics to clear it.
So there’s my dad in hospital. He’s had heart attacks and cellulitis before in the past few years. He eats healthy, doesn’t smoke, barely drinks, is a healthy weight etc.
Mum is the same. Eats lots of fruit and veg, is slim and healthy. After almost 20 years with the same company she has just found out she is being made redundant next month.
Then there is me. I’m unhealthy, overweight, smoker, binge drinker etc and all I do is cause them stress. I try and die, I come here for an escape, a whole manner of reasons. Do I cause all of these problems? Have I created all of these stresses and brought illness and debt upon them?
I spent the weekend with a painted in happy face, actually deep on thought about my part in all of this. I did have a nice time seeing mum and my doggies and best friend but I do still feel very guilty.
That’s me back in the hospital after some freedom so I guess I wait and see what’s said at the review tomorrow and take things from there. I wish the voice speaking to me about everything being my fault would quieten down. It’s lowering my mood.
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