When I last wrote it was late on Friday night. I spoke a bit in my last post about some recent stupid and risky behaviours but didn’t want to go into any detail. I still don’t want to go into detail but I will say that on Saturday morning Berry kept giggling while I was getting dressed, giggling inside my head that I was going to be in “biggg trouble” that night when Sasha found out. She was confusing me, I’d only just got up and there she was wittering away that I was going to be in some sort of trouble when we got to the evening. I laughed back at her and told her not to try and be so smart, I wasn’t going to do anything on Saturday to get myself into any trouble, I was/had been behaving myself for the previous few days and it was going to stay that way.
I was wrong.
I tried to do good and be big and brave and with copious amounts of medications floating around inside me I braved it to go with best friend to McDonalds. It took about three hours to get there and back as it’s like 60 miles away from us. So yeah, it was around 8.30pm when we got back home. See that’s how big and brave I was being, like fuck you agoraphobia I *will* medicate myself to the eyeballs and beat you… So by the time we got back I was in no fit state to do anything but come home and laze on the sofa full of sedative and anxiety meds. My head was quiet. I felt a little bit nauseous from the mix of tablets and the food I’d eaten and I was really sleepy. I should have just let my eyes close and drifted off to sleep but I lay here flicking through TV channels for ages. I took my bedtime medication around 11pm then just as I was going through to bed my phone started ringing. I looked to see who it was. It was him. Why was he phoning me? I told him a few days ago that all of the stupid risky behaviours were stopping again, I’d just needed to dip my toes back into that pond for a few days but I’d stopped again. I was behaving and being sensible. The phone rang out to voicemail but he kept calling over and over and over again. I tried sending a text to say I couldn’t answer and asked what was wrong, he text back saying he had something that I would want. I told him I didn’t want anything bad. He replied it was the opposite of bad, it was “fucking amazing”.
So I didn’t know what to do, I was lying on top of the bed ready to go to sleep, it was around midnight, I was still all doped up on medications, everything was nice and peaceful. I told myself to be strong and just ignore his texts, put my phone on silent and closed my eyes. Then fucking *boom* Sasha is in my head telling me she’ll make me pay the price if I do the bad thing, that she doesn’t want Berry to see me doing that crazy shit. So then I get angry and am having an internal argument with Sasha – who the fuck is she anyway? who does she think she is just making herself at home inside my head… Another thirty minutes or so passed and I lay there getting more and more agitated. I text him back. I’d get dressed and go meet him.
It was dark but not cold, it was kinda nice to have a bit of breeze in the air, I could feel my heart racing with some sort of trepidation I guess. Berry was having fits of the giggles in my head but not saying any actual words. I walked past people moving between pubs and then finally saw him walking towards me. We walked together until we reached a house. He told me to stay outside and sit on a wall and he disappeared. Sasha had been getting louder and now I was sitting alone I could hear her properly, she was telling me how she would make me pay for this. Berry was completely silent – in fact I didn’t hear anything other than laughter from Berry again until this morning when she started up a conversation about wanting me to take her to a zoo – all whilst I was lying in the dentist chair having a filling put in. Anyway, back to Saturday night/early hours of Sunday morning. I sat on the wall for about ten minutes and then he re-appeared and we walked back to his place. He gave me my magic potion and I carried on walking back to mine alone.
By the time I get back home it’s just after 2am and I sit here with my magic potion inside of me, feeling warm and happy and at ease with the world. Well I felt like that for all of ten minutes before I felt my legs pulling my body upright and quickly running to the bathroom. I then spent the remainder of the night, all day Sunday and all day Monday projectile vomiting. Every so often Sasha would make little disapproving remarks and told me that she had warned me I would pay the price if I made any more mistakes and boy was she right. 48 hours or so of non-stop vomiting was definitely punishment from her and the occasional giggles from Berry just wound me up even though I knew she was only laughing because she saw me getting into trouble from Sasha. So yes, I made another mistake on Saturday night, but I paid the price for it and only today (Tuesday) have I managed to keep a little bit of food down. I’ve only been sick once today and I’ve been up for about seven hours now so I think my body is starting to heal now. Definitely no more magic potions for me no matter how nice it might feel to be completely lost in my own little magical forest in my mind… I must behave, I have behaved again since Saturday but the temptations are still there (albeit only a little bit now).
I don’t know what exactly triggered off Berry and Sasha, it could have happened as a result of the mixed varieties of magical potions I have been consuming on and off. Or it could be because I have been so sick for a few days each time that my medication didn’t work those days and my head just naturally started to slip into bonkers land. They are still both there (well I’ve only heard Berry today and that was when she was trying to make me have a conversation with her about the zoo while I was at the dentist) but they aren’t bothering me. Sasha told me I’d pay the price, I should have listened. I feel bad that Berry might have seen me consuming the magical potions because she sounds so innocent and young and I can only assume (since neither she nor Sasha will tell me) that she is still a child.
I still haven’t made contact with nor heard from CPN#2. She has probably given up on me by now. I wouldn’t blame her. I am going to try my hardest to be good again now. I’m sick of being sick. Well I’m sick of feeling both mentally and physically sick, if I can just get the vomiting to stop then I can try harder to make my head calmer. It’s weird, part of me feels like I’ve been doing these stupid and risky behaviours because I’ve been feeling a bit like I’m about to lose it mentally but then I don’t know what it is that’s making me feel so close to losing it. I can’t identify what the thing is that’s making me feel so shit. So I try and cover it up, put a magical band aid on it and hope that by covering it up for a day then it might all be OK again by tomorrow but I’m slowly learning it just doesn’t work like that.
Lovely support worker is going to be so disappointed in me when/if I tell her all of this once she is back from her holiday leave. Then again maybe by next week I’ll still be keeping myself safe and she might be proud of me for doing that. Methinks I will see some level of disappointment/disapproval in her face so maybe I will just keep all of these little crazy moments over the past couple of weeks to myself… I can’t even talk about them properly on here yet and this is my secret anonymous space, maybe it’s best just to lock it all away somewhere in my head and try to forget about it all… call it a little blip, a mistake, an experiment… something like that… it wouldn’t be a lie, it was all a mistake, unfortunately it seems to take me considerably longer to learn from my mistakes than it does most other people… but hey… c’est la vie…