Tag Archives: sexual health clinic

15:04 – Results time…

18 Jun

So… I met best friend at the sexual health clinic at 9.30am. I was in a bit of a mess, my stomach was in knots, I felt sick with nerves and we arrived to find a full waiting room of young people. I went to the reception desk and handed over my “priority pass” card I’d been given last week so that I could queue jump and we were told to take a seat. As we sat down I really started to panic, thinking that I was going to have to sit and wait for all these people to be seen before they would call me through. Best friend could see the anxiety in my face and started chatting away about all sorts of random things, I guess to try and distract me a bit.

Thankfully they didn’t leave us waiting for too long – maybe ten or fifteen minutes before the doctor called me through. She didn’t give me any eye contact and went over to the other side of the room to get a second chair for best friend to sit on. This of course made me start thinking “shit, shit, shit, she is getting us all sat down to gently break it to me”. I tried looking at her computer screen but it was tilted just enough that all I could see was ‘tive‘ all the way down the page. I couldn’t see if they started with ‘posi‘ or ‘nega‘.

The doctor asked if I was OK as I was clearly panicking a fair bit and I rambled about not having slept properly, about how scary and stressful the past seven days have been and how I knew “my result is positive, I just know it”. She looked at me and smiled gently then turned the computer screen round to face me and my eyes read down the screen:

Chlamydia – Negative

Gonorrhoea – Negative

Syphilis – Negative

Hepatitis B – Negative

….

….

And finally…

HIV – NEGATIVE

I almost cried with relief. It took me a few minutes to take in what she was saying, it was as though my head was refusing to believe her at first. I could hear her saying something about how I could go home and catch up on some sleep now and how it must be such a weight off my shoulders. She said she was so happy for me that we now know 100% that the damage left behind from that bastard who spiked and assaulted me is purely emotional scarring and no physical ones. I thanked her repeatedly and as we left and walked along the corridor to leave the hospital best friend gave me a big hug. I told her I felt like I had been given a second chance (at life) and I really do mean that. I would have posted before now but best friend and I went out for a nice lunch and then I went out to see the kids for a little while.

In hindsight I wish I had never waited so long to have the blood tests done. That’s been ten long months since the assault and I could have put my mind to rest and spared myself a lot of worry and anxiety if I had just done it six months ago. I will never ever put myself in that situation again – if I have a worry I will not consult Dr Google – I’ll just bloody go and get myself checked!

One last thing I wanted to say. As you all know these past 7 days have been hellish. But during the last week I did make some plans. If the result had come back positive for HIV there is a very high chance I would have done something stupid to myself. I think I would have just completely freaked and went absolutely bonkers. However I also made a plan for what I would do if I was lucky enough for the results to come back negative. Some people may think my plans sound a bit stupid so I’m not going to talk about them on here just yet (partly because I haven’t made up my mind for definite) but more so because today – the 18th of June 2013 is a HAPPY DAY and I don’t want to have to get into any debates over whether my next set of plans are a good or bad idea.

For now… the relief is indescribable… totally immense… I can breathe again 😀

And thank you to all of you who have offered messages of support on here, facebook and of course twitter over the past week… you all helped get me through a seriously tough week. Huge virtual hugs and kisses for anyone who wants them! Thank you all xxxxx

Advertisements

21:35 – Twelve hours to go

17 Jun

Guess what? I’m crying again. My eyes are red and puffy. I think all I have done all day is cry. I don’t mean a few tears down my cheeks, I mean crying hysterically like a toddler until I’m heaving and running to lean over the toilet to be sick. I can’t eat, I’ve barely slept the past couple of nights and today the urges to self harm have been awful.

I can’t quite believe that twelve hours from now it will all be confirmed and I will hear the news if I have tested positive or negative for HIV. I am still utterly convinced it will be positive.

If it is negative the relief will be absolutely immense, I cannot imagine how much of a weight it will feel like has been lifted from my shoulders.

I have been so worried about it all that it will just be a relief to know one way or the other for sure. I genuinely don’t know how I will cope if it’s a positive result, I really don’t. If I thought there was stigma surrounding having Bipolar Disorder well there’s a heck of a lot more surrounding people with HIV.

I don’t really know if I’m even ready to hear these results, to know one way or the other, but also I couldn’t put the test off any longer, it was seriously beginning to make me a bit crazy. This seven day wait since being tested has been horrendous at times, time has gone so slow some days every minute has felt like several hours, hours have felt like days. Then suddenly I have a little moment of awareness and realise that somehow I have gotten through these days and made it to the end of the wait (well almost).

I suspect I will spend more hours awake, in tears, staring at the ceiling, trying to read but getting nowhere, getting up and down all night, popping pills trying to buy some sleep only to finally fall asleep around 6am and wake up with a fright as the alarm goes off at 8am. I am then going to meet best friend at the clinic just after 9am and she is going to come in with me while I get the results which I’m very grateful for.

It’s kind of crazy when I think that my results will probably be sitting in the clinic right now waiting to be opened. Like I said in a previous post the clinic is only open on Tuesdays so there will be nobody there to open them until tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning my life will change one way or the other. That might sound dramatic to some people but I swear these last seven days have been a complete rollercoaster of emotions. Anyone who has a reason to think they may have been exposed to HIV I’m sure probably feels the same during the waiting period. I’ve lost count of the amount of emotions I have experienced this week.

I’ve thought a lot about how to react to a positive result but I think it’s one of these things that you simply just cannot prepare yourself for, you just need to deal with it if it happens.

9.30pm.

Exactly 12 hours to go.

I hope so much that someone has been looking down on me and is going to allow me a second chance at life tomorrow.

God, if you do exist, you know how much I have prayed to you these past few days. Please don’t make me face any more life challenges at the moment, I’m struggling so much with the ones that I’ve already got. I don’t know if I could cope with another, especially not a biggie like HIV. I need to start to recover from this sexual assault ten months ago. It’s worn me down so much. I need to find some strength again.

I hope so much that in twelve hours time I will feel as if I’ve just been given my life back.

 

17:33 – Drained and struggling

17 Sep

I am so tired. I had to get up at 6.30am so that I could give the bathroom a clean, have a shower, get dressed and walk the dogs for 8am when the guys were coming to rip my shower out. They didn’t even appear until 8.45am, I could have had almost another hour in bed grrr. So everything has been ripped out and tomorrow all the new stuff goes in. Can’t wait til it’s over with, I hate people being in my personal space all day even though I know it’s to make the place look nicer.

I have spent the entire day from when I woke up until about 4pm doing uni work, I have pretty much done the whole of this week’s work in one day. But I have quite a few appointments and stuff this week and I still have a textbook chapter to read so it’ll be OK. I paid the money Mum gave me into the bank this morning and went straight onto amazon when I got home and bought my one remaining textbook I need. So hopefully it should arrive in a couple of days.

I feel really drained today, more than likely due to only having about 4 hours sleep. I feel like I could just close my eyes and doze off just now but the dogs will need another walk in about an hour plus it’s only just gone 5pm and I can’t go to sleep at this time or I’ll be awake again by 11pm and awake all night – the time the crazies start to get to me.

The weather today has been so horrible, really heavy rain all day long, I’m sick of looking at it and hearing it hitting off the windows. The sky is so grey and it certainly does nothing to lift my mood.

This morning the senior charge nurse from a&e phoned me. She had just received the letter that CPN sent saying that they must inform the mental health team of every time I attend a&e. The charge nurse was like, are you sure you are happy to agree to this because normally we only share your notes with your GP and that is it. She even said to me that after the recent sexual assault for example, only a couple of members of a&e staff knew about it, that they generally don’t discuss patients with each other even if they are regular attenders like myself. I told her it hadn’t been my idea, it was CPN’s idea and I said to be honest I don’t know if I want every single time I attend a&e sent to her, because I might have to attend for something non mental health related and it will automatically go to the mental health team as well now. Plus the fact that CPN is leaving very soon, social worker is still nowhere to be seen, and I don’t know what new CPN is going to be like… I don’t know if I’m going to get on well with her and whether I’ll want them getting notes of my a&e attendances. It also means they will know every single time I self harm and when they know then they can tell Mr Psychiatrist. Then again I guess GP could do that anyway.

So I said to her that I would agree to it for the moment but when this new CPN starts if I don’t feel that I want her knowing every time I attend a&e then I’d request for the mental health team to no longer be informed. As the charge nurse said to me on the phone, I’m a 30 year old woman, I’m an adult and can make my own choices on who I want to know what about my life. She said it was extremely unusual for them to be asked to share information about patient’s attending the a&e department (as obviously it’s confidential) and to be honest she didn’t sound particularly happy about doing it, but I said I agree for now, if I didn’t agree it would only be something for CPN to moan at me about on Wednesday.

I’ve never really been sure if I like the charge nurse, she is very serious in her attitude, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her smile, but she was actually really nice on the phone and said she saw I had been up on Wednesday and had self harmed and asked how I was feeling today and I told her about seeing GP and having to give her all the tablets and that I’d be up at the a&e dept tomorrow to get my stitches taken out. She said to me to remember if I needed help to go and see them, of course I said I would, but the reason I have stayed glued to my uni stuff all day is because every time I stop just for a second I want to self harm again. Even with people in my house I wanted to do it. And I’ve fought it and fought it but I’m tired and drained and struggling now. The guys are away home, but I promised my Mum I would try and stay safe and be in one piece when they get back from their holidays next Monday. Mum text me a couple of hours ago to say they have arrived at their hotel. I can’t remember if she said it was Paros or Paxos that they were going to, it’s a really small Greek island anyway.

Argh, the self harm thoughts are so strong it is horrible. I seriously don’t want to end up in a&e tonight and I don’t want to self harm during the night then go up in the morning to have stitches out and present with a new wound. I don’t want to slip, I must fight through this, or if I really must cut maybe one little shallow one would get it out my system just for the next few hours.

Blah.

I have to be at the hospital at 9.30am tomorrow to go to the sexual health clinic for my results that I forgot to get last Tuesday. I’m assuming everything has come back clear or they would have phoned or written to me saying I need to go back and see them.

I am struggling bad right now. There is so much damage I want to do to myself yet I don’t want the consequences. I’m trying really really hard to stay distracted but I don’t know if I’m going to manage to make it without at least doing one little cut just do get the urges out.