Tag Archives: noisy head

15:16 – Things aren’t so good

17 May

I went to see my GP yesterday. It was nice GP I saw. I went in with a list because I knew I’d forget everything I was there for. She asked what happened to my hand as I sat down and just as she asked it she opened up my file on her screen and there is a letter from the local a&e telling her exactly what I did to myself. She had a quick look at the wound and said it looked “sore but is healing OK”.

I then brought out my list and told her about the knee pain I’ve been having that only seems to be getting worse. I was honest and said I’m sleeping on a 2 seater sofa every night, I cross my legs when I’m sitting all the time and I know that I am overweight – all of which I guess aren’t helping. So she asked to have a look and feel of my knees and prescribed me a strong anti-inflammatory NSAID tablet to take three times a day. As she was looking at my legs I brought up topic #2 on my list: my psoriasis. It is getting out of control, I have little patches appearing everywhere and my elbows are persistently bad. She said we have tried all the strong steroid creams and the only thing left is for me to go and see a dermatologist because he can get me the UV light treatment that isn’t available where I live.

So that put me in a panic and I kept saying to her is there nothing else at all that we can try and she agreed to prescribe me one more cream but said she doubts it will make any difference. I told her how I just can’t travel to the big hospital, I become hysterical any time I have tried to go to any big places and I don’t even think a little sedation would help get me there any more. The agoraphobic feelings were making me anxious as fuck and I then just wanted to get out of her room and run home. She said she was going to make the referral anyway and she would “see what she could do for me” to help me get there when the appointment comes through. I know I won’t go though.

I had my mental medications to sort out as well. I have still been building the dose quite slowly, I was only on 300mg I think when I last saw Mr Psychiatrist a week or two ago. Mr Psychiatrist wants me to increase my Quetiapine by 50mg a week. Then when I was at a&e on Saturday she increased it so that’s been me on 400mg since Saturday. Now GP has increased it to 450mg and next week onto 500mg. When I was on Quetiapine the last time it was around 400-600mg that I found most effective and stayed stable longest on (if I remember correctly). So I’m hoping it will start calming the voices down a bit and slow my thoughts a little bit. I don’t want Lucifer to go though and I made that clear to my GP as well. The a&e doctor said Lucifer didn’t sound very nice but he is just fine!

What I don’t like is when arguments start in my head and I start to lose all concentration and end up in a complete mess with my head feeling out of control and totally bonkers. Like I’m heading towards some sort of breakdown because I can’t seem to make my thoughts flow in a logical order. That sends my noisy pickled brain into a place where self harm becomes more likely because I either have to prove things (like having bones) or I get angry and use cutting as a release or because Lucifer wants me to brand myself (like when I carved a pentagram into my skin).

Blah. Things aren’t so good right now. But I’m trying to keep them under control. I’ve also had a bit of an argument with my best friend over stupid fucking gossiping idiots and am now stressed out about that. I am stressed because I’ve now left it so long to go and see my Dad that I’ve made it feel horribly uncomfortable – I mean it was his birthday May 1st and it’s now May 17th and I still haven’t seen my parents. I have barely seen anyone. I just hide in this one little room away from the world.

I got a letter from the housing association about my application for a housing transfer. I think I’m going to have to appeal their decision as with the amount of points they awarded me I will be waiting about 10 years for a transfer. I am still waiting to hear back from the council as my application somehow ended up only with the housing association and has not yet been assessed by the council. Maybe they will have better news for me.

For now I am just trying to hang on until tomorrow when I see new CPN to vent all my craziness to her.


12:57 – A&E – To go or not to go

21 Apr


At some point this afternoon I have to go up to A&E to have my recent self harm wounds checked and hopefully the stitches off. These ones didn’t need suturing, he managed to use glue and steri-strip stitches. The glue is at that extremely itchy stage where I keep wanting to claw at the dressings. I can’t wait for it to all come off over the next few days. I really don’t want to go to A&E today because I actually don’t want to see the damage that lies underneath those two dressing pads. I’m sitting here in shorts and t-shirt pj’s and all I can see is scars, some neat and some so ugly. My left leg and left arm are ruined. A total mess.

So, right now it’s only coming on for 1pm and he said to me to go up anytime between 2pm and 6pm. I think it will be closer to 6pm if I actually make it up there. On saying that, at least I know if I go today then it will be the same nurse I saw on Tuesday and he is a nice guy who I can talk to without feeling judged. I have this very weird feeling that I don’t think I’ve experienced before, where I think as soon as I see what damage I have done to my arm then it might actually trigger me into wanting to do it again. Usually after I have self harmed and had it treated I will look after the wound, change the dressings, give it a little clean each day and generally see how it is healing. This time I haven’t taken the dressings off once because I’m scared to see what’s underneath. I just feel like I could be very easily triggered today but despite getting on well with the nurse I can’t tell him that. Remember on Tuesday he wanted me to speak with the doctor and I just left the hospital without telling anyone and came home, so today when he asks the obligatory question, “do you think you are going to self harm again today?” I will have no choice but to lie and say no. Because I don’t want the shit that telling the truth will bring.

If, when he asks me what I’ve been doing since Tuesday, I say “well I’ve carved the star of Satan into my arm, I’ve had a Satan style tattoo branded on me, I thought it might make the devil stop hurting me as much but so far it hasn’t worked, well it sort of has worked because he is happy with me now but with his happiness comes the demands for further tasks to be carried out to prove my loyalty to him so that he will stop controlling my thoughts and let the Lord think I am worthy of leaving Satan’s control to go back to the Lord’s control, and, well, ….”

And yes, it would come out like a big mixed up mumble jumble just like that. That is the sort of thing that will come out my mouth. And that is the kind of thing that ‘th3 normalz’ think is crazy talk, “concerning” talk, not “normal” talk. And what do they do when they think you are crazy and not normal? They put you in the bin. And I am not going in the bin thank you very much, I am staying right here at home.

/end of rant for now.

07:01 day watch

22 Mar

The safety of the night skies has gone. Its daylight again. Its quiet outside so the dogs are having a run around while i write this. The birds aren’t chirping, they are squawking noisily as though they are all discussing something loudly. I don’t like it. I am starting to feel tired but im scared to let my guard down for any length of time *sigh*