Tag Archives: no concentration

15:33 – Just a little moan about life

27 Mar

In the last five days since I last posted nothing much has changed.

I still feel miserable, I still want to self harm again, I’m too tired to actually do it though. Also I’m beginning to wish I had just let them put proper sutures in last week, but because I was so anxious and wanted out of the hospital asap I asked them just to use lots of skin closures. And they have closed the wounds quite well but because one of them was pretty deep it is so painful where it is obviously still healing under the actual cut. I’ve never had pain in a self harm wound 8 days after doing it when I’ve had prope stitches in, but I don’t think it’s infected or anything, I think it’s just taking a good bit longer to start healing.

Anyway… what else can I moan about…

My sleeping. It remains completely shit and I am absolutely exhausted.

I still haven’t done any of my course work for this university module, in fact I haven’t even looked at my uni emails in about two weeks now.

So yeah… I just plod on through each day, doing very little, making sure the dogs are fed, walked and happy… other than that I’ve been caring about very little else.

The good news of this week is I have now cleared the remaining £50 that was left on the balance of Charlie dog’s vet bill – so I’ve cleared all the excess and the insurance company paid all the rest of the rather large bill.

Hmm what else? Oh my parents have returned from their holiday now so knowing they are just a phone call away again helps a little bit.

Like I say I’m just too tired to feel any enthusiasm for anything. It’s been weeks of this nonsense now and it’s really starting to get to me. I feel on the edge of tears all the time because I just feel so drained.

Yesterday I met up with best friend and my two little ‘nephews’ which was nice as it had been weeks since I last saw them. We went about an hour away from home (even with a fair few Diazepam the anxiety was still pretty bad on the way there) but by the time we got to our destination and I saw it was nice and quiet I managed to stay relatively calm. The kids are of course a great distraction – every time my head would start going into crazy mode they would start asking for something and I’d be pulled back into the moment. First of all we let the kids burn off some energy in the soft play area for about an hour. They are only 2 and 4 so they loved playing in the ball pool and going up and down all the slides and stuff. After that we went for some lunch and then before heading home the kids wanted to play in the outdoor swing park for a while. It was so cold and the snow was on and off all day but I think it probably did me good to get out of the house for a 3 or 4 hours.

Well it’s almost 3.30pm and I need to go and collect my prescription. Not really got any plans for the next few days – just an appointment with my support worker tomorrow afternoon and that’s about it. Think I might go to the parents on Sunday seeing as it’s Easter and enjoy a nice home cooked meal there. That reminds me, I need to go buy my little ‘nephews’ (best friends kids) an Easter egg each. Also I have no food in the house. I think whether I like it or not I’m going to have to face a supermarket today. Blah… I’m just totally not in the mood to be going outside at all but I need my medication so I guess I don’t really have much choice.

Mood wise things are in the ‘crap’ category. Voices are ‘very vocal’. Thoughts are no longer racing, they are slow… too slow… so slow I can’t connect anything together right…

Sorry for all the moaning… hopefully next time I post will be a happier/more positive rambling… who knows…

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20:44 – Same old… same old…

6 Mar

Today I’ve been hiding away from the world most of the day. I got up early to phone for an appointment to see lovely GP – we have a stupid system where you have to phone on the morning and you get an appointment that day but there are hardly any appointments and they all go within ten minutes. I did actually phone a fortnight ago to book an appointment for today but there were none available. So as all I really needed was my repeat prescription I just asked if they could sort that out and I’d collect it later.

I spent most of the day doing nothing. No concentration again meant I got nowhere with studying and gave up after about an hour. I really could be doing with having a shower as we are now on Wednesday night and the last time I had one was Sunday I think. I did plan on having one this afternoon but it didn’t materialise. I’ll have one tomorrow morning before going to an appointment with lovely support worker from Rape Crisis and with lovely social worker. I always seem to freeze up at appointments where there is more of them than me and find them hard to talk in; but I keep reminding myself it’s just an informal chat about where I’m at just now and I think support worker would just like to meet someone who has worked with me with mental health stuff – maybe she has questions, I don’t know. I know she is pretty clued up on self harming but maybe I worry her sometimes when I talk about the voices. I’m not too sure yet what’s going to happen with regards to seeing social worker again until the psychologist starts back in a month or two but even if she could see me fortnightly or something that would be good. Just someone to touch base with and know there is someone there if I need it. So, little bit worried about the three of us meeting up tomorrow but I’m sure it will all be ok.

So yeah the only thing I did today was collect my weekly prescription. They made a little mistake and for some reason gave me a month’s worth of Mirtazapine instead of a week’s worth – lovely GP must have forgot to mark it as a weekly dispensed med. I think I can be trusted though.

Well after that enormously long rambling post yesterday I don’t really have much else to say for myself today. All the other stuff is just same old, same old.

And so I shall leave you on this cheery note, a poem I rather like.

The Age Demanded

BY ERNEST M. HEMINGWAY

The age demanded that we sing
And cut away our tongue.
The age demanded that we flow
And hammered in the bung.
The age demanded that we dance
And jammed us into iron pants.
And in the end the age was handed
The sort of shit that it demanded.
 ©

19:25 – It’s all muddled up

1 Mar

Voices, thoughts and ideas have all been racing through my head since I woke up this morning. I didn’t sleep very well last night even though I took my medication properly. I’ve been feeling pretty messed up all day today and because my head has been all over the place I’ve just stayed in using the excuse of having to do some studying so I didn’t need to go out anywhere other than to walk the dogs. Of course I didn’t actually get any studying done at all because my concentration is completely gone and I don’t know how to get it back.

My head feels very muddled at the moment. I don’t know how to describe it but it’s kind of like I know something is going to happen but I don’t know when or what. I have this sensation of some kind of impending doom but I don’t have specific details of what it is that I’m afraid is going to happen. But it feels like something bad. Taking my medication last night and again this morning has quietened the direct commands and instructions but my thoughts are still racing around really fast, jumping from one thing to the next and then onto something else like I can’t seem to stay focused on just one thing. So as everything chops and changes I get nothing done, the voices make no sense because they aren’t speaking in full sentences just a few words then stopping. Things aren’t connecting properly and I’m left with a completely pickled brain.

I don’t know if I prefer it more the way things have been over the past few days when I wasn’t taking my meds properly but was seeing and hearing things much more clearly or if I prefer this slowed down speed but all totally mixed up. I think (well I know because they told me) that the chitter chatter voices are angry with me for saying too much on here and for saying too much to lovely support worker yesterday. I try to make a deal with them that I won’t say anything more about what they ask of me on here or to anyone. I promise them I will keep it all private then after some amount of mocking and warnings and telling me I’m a failure and how I betrayed them until they finally quieten down again. Then as soon as my head quietens with voices my thoughts and all these ideas start whirling round one after the other after the other.

So needless to say today I have achieved nothing. Zero. Zilch.

Blah it’s all such a mess. And right now these feelings of some kind of impending doom that I’m having are actually quite unfamiliar to me because usually when I feel like something bad is going to happen it’s more like a pressure cooker that builds up over the hours, days and/or weeks until the lid finally blows. But it doesn’t feel like that, it feels massively confusing while everything is going fast and not making sense. Then things go slow but leave me depressed, tearful, filled with dread – about what I don’t know.

It’s just all muddled up and my mind is crazy. But the craziness begins to speak the truth, just a truth I’ve never realised before, but then people say that the truth is craziness and what does that do? Muddle me up even more. I am so confused and nothing is making much sense at the moment.

What I need is some proper quiet time for my brain to just relax, but I really think that is asking for the impossible at the moment.

21:31 – Feeling really unsure about tomorrow

19 Feb

I haven’t seen new CPN since the 5th of Feb due to her being off sick then on holiday. And as you might remember the last appointment did not go well at all. At our last appointment I made the stupid mistake of opening up about some of the things the voices were saying and talked for the first time with her about some of the suicidal feelings I was having (although had no plans to act upon them).

At that time I was feeling very messed up and emotional as it was a few days before my cousins wedding which I couldn’t go to due to the fucking agoraphobia and it was really messing with my head and making me so upset that every family member would be there to share in her big day apart from me. I made the decision to open up to new CPN for the first time and told her that the voices were putting ideas into my head to do something to myself that weekend when all the family were away. Before I got the chance to say I wouldn’t act on the thoughts, for several reasons, she cut in and told me I was incredibly selfish to say something like that… she went on a little ramble and basically left me feeling like shit. And left me really disappointed that I knew from that moment onwards I wouldn’t ever want to see the woman again.

She had already pissed me off because I’d self harmed badly quite a few weeks ago now and the CMHT have an agreement with A&E that if I attend A&E then a copy of the notes get sent over to the CMHT. The nurse who treated me at A&E that day phoned the CMHT and asked if my CPN could please get in contact with me the following day so check if I was OK but needless to say she never did. In fact at our last appointment she didn’t even mention it and when I briefly did she seemed to want to change the subject.

I don’t know what it is about her but I can’t work with someone who shows such a lack of compassion. I’ve already been so patient with the CMHT and had two temporary CPN’s who I’ve had to get to know and tell my story too, only for them to leave several months later. And now this new CPN, the permanent new CPN is turning out to be totally shit.

So I have an appointment with her tomorrow, it’s been a couple of weeks since I last saw her. In that time I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster dealing with everything that’s happened with Charlie dog and of course getting through the weekend of my cousins wedding without being there and then my little boy’s anniversary last week. And in a way I wish she was a nice CPN because I’d like to be able to talk about some of that. I’d also like to talk about my desires to find a faith again and all the stuff that’s running around my head that I’m trying to keep happy and settled because it’s trying to protect me. And I think that’s another reason I’ve been thinking so much about religion because I see that as a form of protection as well.

But the reality is that I don’t want to see her again nor do I particularly want to speak to her again. About anything. The only one thing I want to tell her is how she made me feel during our appointment back on the 5th of Feb. And I would quite like to tell her that the following day when I had appointments with both Mr Psychiatrist and lovely GP that I told both of them how she spoke to me as well. I just don’t know if I have the strength to go into the appointment, say what needs to be said and then stick to my guns and tell her that I do not think this is going to work and that I would like to work with someone else. I’m scared she either (a) denies it or tries to tell me that I’ve somehow misunderstood her (b) tells me that’s fine but there is no one else with space on their caseload to see me.

I want to start working with my psychologist who I was seeing up until a year ago when she went on maternity leave but she doesn’t come back til next month and there’s no guarantee that she will definitely work with me again seeing as I made such little progress with her the last time. But I was pretty bonkers then and in and out of hospital all the time and things are a bit calmer compared to then (I think?)

So yes back to tomorrow… I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of just phoning them at 9am tomorrow and saying I can’t make the appointment. I have thought about writing a letter to the manager of the CMHT and explaining what happened and why I don’t feel like I’m going to be able to work with this new CPN but again I panic about being believed or being told “well there’s no one else who can work with you”. Hmm I really don’t know what to do for the best. When they made me work with the first temporary CPN I didn’t get on with her at all and made absolutely no progress with her the whole time we worked together. And then with the second temporary CPN things got off to a little bit of a rocky start but then we started to work quite well together and then she left after a few months. And now I’m back to someone I don’t think I can work with, but permanently.

Pretty stupid to keep it going really.

I guess I’ll just wait and see how I feel in the morning.

In other news Charlie dog had a check up at the vets yesterday morning and they are really happy with his progress. He has to go back on Friday to have his stitches taken out but he’s been such a good boy and taking all his medications even the tablets which he accidentally chews and you can see the look of disgust at the taste in his mouth! We’re hoping this is the last week he’ll need to stay on his anti-biotics which would be great because they are the hardest medications to get him to take because they are all quite big tablets so it’s hard to hide them in his food. The three gut protecting medications he takes he will probably be on for quite some time yet but at least only one of them is in tablet form, the other is a syrup and the other is a powder. So yeah I’m really happy with him, he’s definitely starting to really fight back now 🙂

I also got confirmation I have been removed from one of the university modules I was supposed to be doing this semester so I now only have the one module to do. I’ve got a huge 120 page report to read and another 50 something page one then have to write summaries of them both from a sociological viewpoint. I’m not too good at sociology but I am trying. My concentration is still really poor and I haven’t got anywhere near the amount of work done over the past couple of days that I’d hoped too. I was aiming for about five hours study a day until I’d caught up but I think I’ve done about three hours in total over the last couple of days. I don’t know why I’m finding concentration such a struggle at the moment, there’s quite a lot going on inside my head, a lot of ideas to deal with.

I’m quite restless with everything, I can’t concentrate on television programs, I can’t concentrate on reading, it’s taken me over an hour so far to write this because I keep getting distracted with other things. I just can’t seem to sit still and it’s becoming quite irritable. I don’t have a choice, I have to catch up with this course work yet after fifteen or twenty minutes of reading I realise I can’t remember a single word of what I’ve just read. And most of my notes don’t make a great deal of sense either. I don’t know how to describe it, it’s almost as if my head chitter chatter feels like it has more of a sense of importance than everything else even though I know that catching up with coursework is the most important thing right now. It’s pretty confusing and extremely annoying but then, like I said earlier, the head noise isn’t causing me distress right now because I’m doing everything in a way that keeps it happy. Ah, fuck, I don’t know the words.

I’m getting a bit irritated with myself for not being able to express what I mean properly with words. Or rather I can’t think of the right words to explain it properly. Perhaps there aren’t right words for it? I don’t know.

What I do know is that it is time for Charlie to get some more medication, then it will be time to go out in the cold and walk the dogs then back for a nice hot shower and then bed before midnight with any luck. Midnight seems like ages away but the hours just seem to fly by at the moment, with my head going from one thought or idea to the next. I don’t want it to slow down as I find it nice the things I hear and it’s nice to hear something nice for a change and it’s nice that they are happy with me but it is a little bit irritating that they seem to require so much attention. It’s actually quite tiring trying to study, taking all your medications, the dog on his strict diet and medication schedule from 8am to midnight and making sure he gets them all at the right times, taking them walks, then on top of that all these ideas, thoughts, plans to find a faith, find the right religion for me to follow. But at least I now know if I keep them happy and do these things then I get rewarded with less distressing head noise, but I do also know that they will eventually start to get impatient with me and make my head hellishly bad if I don’t prioritise correctly.

Right it’s 9.30pm now (I started writing this at 8.06pm!) and all I’ve done is ramble. Time to say goodnight I think!

14:53 – Maybe obeying the voices does help…

17 Feb

I’m sitting here yawning away to myself and trying to do some studying but I’m too easily distracted and unable to concentrate properly due to being so tired. Last night was another night of going to bed at 1am and being back up just before 8am this morning. When I have problems sleeping six or seven hours sounds like utter bliss, but when my body is actually letting me have deep sleeps I could really do with an extra couple of hours. But I have to go with Charlie dog’s food and medication schedule so I force myself out of bed at 7.45am and get the day started!

Yesterday I managed to get some studying done. Not as much as I’d hoped but I’ve managed to do a couple of hours this morning as well and have now completed week two’s work. I’ve just opened the course material for week three and the first thing I have to do is read a 112 page document about family structures and then another 40 page document about socio-demographic changes in childhood and family life. I don’t even know where to start! And I hate reading documents and reports that are over about 10 pages long on a screen but I don’t have a printer at home. Maybe my parents would let me print off both documents at their house if they have a spare 160 sheets of paper and enough ink! It’s so much easier to have it written in front of you so you can draw all over it with highlighter pens!

So my goal for today is to read the smaller 40 page report and make some notes and try to at least get through the introduction and part one of the big report. That will be a good 60 pages of reading and note taking and if I can get that done today I’ll be a happy bunny. However week four’s work starts tomorrow and this is me just beginning week three’s work and I have no idea how long it’s going to take me to read these reports in full, make notes and then send my summaries of the reports to the course tutor. And I just had a look ahead to see how much work there was to do in week four and it’s another really heavy workload. Argh. I really think they told some lies when they said part time study was approximately 10 hours per week, at the moment it’s more like 10 hours a day and that’s only doing one module… I have no idea how the full time students manage to do three modules at a time!

We all got an email a couple of days ago telling us about an online student mentoring program that they run. There are quite a few mentors who are doing the same course as me but they are in their 3rd or 4th year and the idea is they can give 1st and 2nd year students a little bit of extra help to understand the course material and help you to plan your studies in advance and things like that. So I’m thinking that could be something that would help me, even though I’m only doing this one module this semester and obviously I can get help from the course tutor as well but I don’t want to be emailing the tutor everyday with questions and driving her mad!

So besides being a bit stressed out knowing I’ve got so much reading to do and still panicking a little about being able to catch up with my studies, actually I’m not feeling too bad. Last weekend I was so stressed and so emotional with everything that was going on and this weekend things are a little stressful but also calmer. I am starting to allow myself to believe that Charlie might just be on the road to recovery now *touchwood* and that is a huge relief. But the past couple of weeks of him being so ill and nearly losing him has taught me just how precious my two little dogs are to me. I can see now what a massive part of my life they are and the love I have for them is just like the love they have for me: unconditional. They don’t judge me for having a body covered in scars just like I’ll never judge Charlie dog for his big scar and funny looking tummy – in a sense they are both our own battle wounds.

I guess you could say that the circumstances that have caused so much stress and distress over recent weeks have now improved but I am still hearing chitter chatter in my head, to be honest pretty much all of the time. And I don’t know if it’s because I listened while they were angry and screaming at me to bare my soul to Christ… I listened and eventually I started to pray and the more I continue to pray on a daily basis the happier the voices are with me. Don’t get me wrong, if I am given orders and I choose to ignore them then they will just get louder and make me suffer. But so long as I listen and obey then all is OK… And for the moment I have no thoughts of wanting to do anything to harm myself because I’m trusting the voices are going to guide me in the right direction.

I am very much being drawn towards religion and having a faith at the moment and I also really want to go to church. My problem is that I have a mix of Christianity and Spiritualist and New Age beliefs, but I don’t believe everything someone of Christian faith would and I don’t believe everything a spiritualist would either. I believe in spiritual healing, I believe there is no hell, I believe in a Heaven and I believe there is a God. I believe in an afterlife. I struggle to believe the Bible fully but also have scepticism over those who claim to be ‘mediums’ – although I do believe that some people have the gift to connect with the spirit world. So I’m left feeling a bit confused. My plan had been to start going to a Christian faith church on a Sunday morning and to start going to the spiritualist church on a Monday evening and just see if either of them feel “right”. I guess that’s the only way I’m going to know for sure, it’s just a little daunting going by myself.

Right I think I’ve rambled on for long enough now, I can’t believe it’s almost 3pm, the day is flying by and I still have so much stuff to do. The dogs are due another walk around about now so I’m hoping fifteen minutes of fresh air will perk me up a bit so I can come back home, do Charlie’s medications and then get stuck into one of these lovely big reports I have to read. I’m still so tired and I think it’s going to be a real struggle to stay awake through until midnight then up again early tomorrow and a check up at the vets at 11am for Charlie dog. It’s all go go go!

I hope you’re all having a nice weekend xx

 

 

12:17 – Look who’s home!

10 Feb
Charlie Dog

Charlie Dog

 

Look who’s home! This is my tough little cookie who has had us all so worried over the past week. As you can see his stomach is very bruised, it also has staples all the way down. And he still has a cannula in under his paw bandage. But I got to bring him home about 6pm yesterday and whilst we’re taking things slowly and gently he is doing really well. He’s on a strict special diet and medication schedule which starts at 8am each day and finishes at midnight and he’s on five different medications which have to be given at specific times throughout the day, so the next couple of weeks are going to be hard work. But it will all be worth it 🙂

He’s pretty good at taking his medication but the one thing he’s not happy about is having to wear a basket muzzle but he will have to get used to it as he will be wearing one for the rest of his life when we are out for walks. I hate the way people already have been looking at him like he must be a bad or dangerous dog, I want to put a big badge on him saying “I’m not a bad doggy, I’ve got to wear this so I don’t eat anything off the ground again!”

So he’s not completely out of the woods yet but after a week of living at the vets he seems happy to be home and he’s managed to pass two bowel movements (sorry TMI!) since he got home last night which was the next goal for him so when the vet phoned late last night to see how he was doing she was delighted to hear that as it means everything is working properly inside 🙂 I’ve to take him in just to be checked over tomorrow and he’ll need his staples out in about a week’s time.

Having so much going on with Charlie dog meant I stayed busy all night and didn’t have too much time to dwell on the fact I was missing my cousin’s wedding. But a couple of people uploaded some photo’s to Facebook and I must admit I did have a little bit of a cry, but every time I looked and saw both my fur babies snuggled up it made me feel a bit better.

Tomorrow is my little boy’s 6th anniversary. I will stay up late tonight until it gets to 1.24am when I will light a candle to mark the moment he was born. I dare say there will be some tears but I guess that’s to be expected. I will go up to the cemetery with some pretty flowers between 2 and 4pm tomorrow as that’s the only two hour period where Charlie doesn’t need any medication. It’s going to be a bit of a tough day as it’s obviously extremely emotional for me but I need to try and hold it together whilst I go to the vets and then go and see my brother with his birthday present and I need to try and put a smile on my face for that.

Back to today… It is a new week of university work starting tomorrow and I haven’t even looked at this current week’s work so I’m going to have to spend all day today trying to catch up. I just can’t seem to concentrate but if I don’t catch up now then I’ll end up falling further and further behind so somehow I’m going to have to force myself to sit and do it. It doesn’t help that one of the psychology modules I’ve just started is all about stuff I find really hard to get my head around – like this week is all about historical theories and how they have developed over time and to be honest I’ve got no interest in that stuff whatsoever. But I guess I need to learn it so I can understand how we got to the more modern theories.

It’s going to be a challenge to care for Charlie round the clock, to try and get through the emotions that tomorrow will bring, trying to keep my head from getting too noisy and/or crazy and catch up and stay on track with my studying. Maybe I should try and take some inspiration from Charlie dog – he was fighting for his little life over Tuesday and Wednesday and has had such a tough time but he’s fighting as hard as he can to get through it all one day at a time. And perhaps that’s what I need to do – try and catch up a bit then take everything one day at a time – stop worrying about the if’s, but’s and maybe’s and just do the best I can. So on that note I guess it’s time to open up my notebook and try to get some reading done.

Hope you’re all having a good weekend 🙂

15:43 – Loud whispers in my head

13 Jan

After my last blog post on Wednesday I went to my appointment with my support worker. It was a good session with plenty of talking and listening however I had a few moments during it where she was trying to tell me why something we were talking about was not my fault, cue the giggle and a loud whisper in my head

“she’s talking shit, you fucking deserved it alright” 

Then I’d lose my concentration for a moment and forget what we were talking about. She’d go back to talking about why this particular incident wasn’t my fault and start asking me if I had a child standing in front of me telling me that these things were happening to them would I blame them? Would I say “sorry but yes you’re right, it was your fault” ??

I shook my head and said no, of course not. That a child is never to blame. But then I tried to explain that for me it is easier to believe I was abused because I did something bad to deserve it than to try and comprehend that I was innocent. Innocent up to and during the point when someone who was supposed to love me as family became evil and twisted enough to do those things to me when I was just a child. And then, of course, if you are abused again as an adult, then it is even easier to say “it was my fault, I deserved it, I was bad” than to accept I could actually just have been that unlucky for it to happen by more than one person.

But support worker said at the end of the session that she did see a little glimpse of progress, as for the first time, I opened my mind to accept there could have been other reasons why I was abused other than simply because I was bad or deserved it. And whilst I might not really believe those other reasons right now, I can accept they are plausible ones. (Well for other people anyway).

So Wednesday was a bit of a hectic day with seeing lovely GP and seeing support worker and I had lots of thoughts swirling around my head for the remainder of the day.

Thursday, Friday and Saturday have passed in a bit of a haze. I’ve been taking the increased dose of 750 mg Quetiapine for 4 days now and other than my mouth being dry and feeling slightly clumsy and a bit disconnected at times I’ve not really noticed any other side effects. Unfortunately the urges to self harm just don’t seem to want to calm down and they are pretty much constant. I think I have fought the fight against doing it for long enough now, it is obvious the only way they are going to stop is if I act on them. But I so don’t want to end up needing stitches or anything so if I do it then I need to try and release all these crazy head urges superficially.

Sorry, a bit of a pointless ramble seems to be what I needed to write down. My thoughts feel all choppy, quickly going from one to another to another. It’s hard to stay focused or concentrate when your thoughts drift so fast. There is no way I will be able to do my part time university course if I can’t control my thoughts. And I only have about a week or so before I start back. I need to get my head together.

I just don’t know how to do it.

18:36 – Seeing new CPN and a visit to Mr Psychiatrist

5 Dec

Yesterday I actually went to my appointment with new CPN. This was the third time we had met but the first proper ‘session’ together. I found myself falling into a very anxious state of mind as I entered the mental health building and spent the first half of our session together pacing around the small room and apologising for it, trying to explain I was just very anxious. My stomach is always one of the first things to start going funny and is usually my first sign that I’m becoming very anxious or panicking about something. So as I pace I tend to rub my stomach to try and somehow settle it down. New CPN asks me what is wrong with my stomach – I say again it’s just the anxiety making me feel half like I’m going to be sick and half like I need to run to a toilet – it’s a horrible feeling especially when it’s combined with a very anxious mental state of just needing to escape, to run home and close the door on the world, the feeling that something awful is going to happen if I stay there. Eventually I did begin to calm down and sit for a little while.

As expected she asked about the house swap and I nervously told her that I wasn’t going ahead with it. I was trying to explain my reasons but the anxiety in me was still high enough that it was mostly irrelevant rambles that came out my mouth. Somehow we got onto the subject of weight and dieting and how I had been doing so well (lost 20lbs… then put it all back on again) and this somehow led onto me telling her about why I choose to low-carb when I diet because cutting sugar out of my body completely works best especially for people like myself who have PCOS which usually messes with your insulin levels, weight, etc. From there I remember her talking about the contraceptive pill and how there were a couple of good ones for women with PCOS and then she asked me if I wanted her to phone my GP and say I’d like to try one of them and I was like “erm, I don’t even know if I do want to try one of them, I’ll just think about it for now thanks”. I told her I’d be going to see my GP next week anyway and we left it at that.

I have total mind-blank going on at the moment and can’t remember what else we filled the hour talking about. I mentioned the stresses of studying at the moment, I mentioned the self harm urges that seem to increase in intensity with every hour that passes. She responded by simply telling me that if I cut myself then I cut myself, that it wasn’t a new behaviour and basically not something that would worry her. I sort of felt a bit like I was trying to ask for a little bit of help, like I was trying to tell her that I haven’t done it in a couple of months now and I would actually really like it to stay that way but the words just didn’t seem to come out so we left it at that. Before I left the building she gave me an appointment for next week and a copy of my latest care plan that she’d typed up. She encouraged me to attend my appointment with Mr Psychiatrist (which was today) and said bye. I don’t know if I’m going to get on with her, I still haven’t warmed to her and when I’m severely lacking in motivation and have pretty much no interest in anything, making a new ‘relationship’ is the last thing I can be bothered with doing.

So I wake up this morning and think I really should shower before going to see Mr Psychiatrist. I seem to be thinking this a lot lately but not actually doing it. Rather like studying, I talk about it, I intend to do it, I think about it a lot, but it just doesn’t seem to happen in the end and another day passes by with nothing much achieved. My appointment was for 10.30am and my alarm went off at 8.30am. I hit snooze every ten minutes until 10am even though I was just lying there wide awake. I couldn’t really see the point in having a shower (I think I’m currently having 1 or 2 a week instead of one every day) so instead I lay here smoking and waiting until the last minute when I knew I only had enough time to walk the dogs then would have to go straight to the appointment. I sat in the waiting room for 15 or 20 minutes and was then called through.

To be honest, even though it was only this morning I can barely recall what we talked about. I told him my mood wasn’t great, that looking back on my blog posts it hasn’t been great for a good six weeks or so now. I told him I’m thinking about hurting myself a lot and even find myself thinking that this is how it’s always going to be and if that is the case then what is the point in trying to complete a University degree or move to a new house or attend appointments or have a fucking shower because I would rather die than continue with this as my life.

He asked me what was going on in my life or what has been going on lately to make me feel that way. I told him that it was nothing – that sometimes I just feel very very low and it has nothing to do with anything external – it’s all internal and just how I feel. He told me this wasn’t very helpful thinking and that if I always follow negative thinking patterns then inevitably I’m going to feel depressed a lot. He said that whilst medication has it’s role, that I need to engage in talking about how I feel and trying to change the ways I think about things, from negative thought processes to positive ones. But then said I should try increasing my Quetiapine (Seroquel) from 600mg to 700mg a day and see if that helps…

He asked how the Uni course was going and I told him that whilst I find the workload hard when I’m having issues with being able to concentrate, I *think* I am glad I’m doing it. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing it for other people, sometimes I think I’m doing it for me. But then that voice/thought/whatever it is tells me I’m ‘stupid’ and that I ‘won’t succeed’ and that I’d be ‘better off dead’. And then it laughs. It laughs a lot. Mr Psychiatrist again said I needed to find a talking therapy that worked for me and try to learn ways to stop thinking in such negative patterns. He says that like I have a choice, when things are dipping this low there is no other option but to think this way.

Anyway he has decided he is happy to leave me for a bit longer this time so instead of seeing him next month I will see him early February instead. The longer between appointments the better in my opinion, I don’t particularly enjoy them.

After leaving the hospital I met my best friend and the kids and we went for a wander round the shops, getting some Christmas presents and I bought little Santa ornaments and Snowmen ones and some silver and gold sprayed flowers and little tiny Christmas tree. After best friend went home I went to the cemetery and made my little angel’s headstone all nice and Christmassy. It was thick with snow up there so it took me ages to clear enough space to put his little things down. I cried a little when I was up there, I miss my little man so much especially at this time of year. And I just can’t help but want to be wherever he is, no matter what it means doing to get there.

For you little man:

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19:59 – I can’t write

3 Dec

Writing is something I do as if on auto pilot. I don’t profess to be any good at it but it’s like I come here to write down all my little brain scribbles. No matter if I’m in the pits of despair and desperation or at the other end of the scale bouncing from walls in some type of hypo/mania I can always write. Even when I didn’t have my laptop all the months then weeks that I was in hospital I physically wrote in actual diaries. It helped me make sense of what was going on in my life even if it would take me a full day to put a 200 word post together. Sometimes I have written utter nonsense and sometimes I feel like I expressed myself so much better through writing than I ever could verbally. But now? I can’t write.

I am on my final week of this university module. I must submit a long and very detailed essay by the end of this week. I managed to put a half-hearted essay plan together, made some bullet points and wrote the general shape I wanted the essay to take. But then came the blank screen and no words would come out. I have sat with this same blank screen for around 4 hours now and I still can’t find a single word to say. So I thought I would come here, I haven’t written in a couple of days and I knew if there was something going on in my head that was in effect ‘blocking’ all my essay type thoughts then they would soon spill out here.

I keep hearing the word stupid over and over in a soft young female voice with a little giggle. It is making me feel very worried that I am not going to be able to break the cycle and will end up in hospital unwell again this Winter. I sat by the window and watched the thick snow falling for a while. I tried again to write but nothing would come out. I went onto Facebook and, as is usual these days, I rolled my eyes up and down the home page, read a few statuses, liked a few photos, saw far too many decorated rooms with Christmas trees up then signed back out. I’m not putting a tree or any decorations up this Christmas. I’m trying to pretend it’s not really happening I suppose.

I got my essay plan out and sat it in front of me trying to write some words next to each bit to get something flowing but nothing would come. As it is now almost 8pm and I have spent all day getting more and more frustrated with myself I have decided to give up for the evening and try again tomorrow. There are a couple of last minute tutor drop in sessions this week so I might make use of them and see if anyone else is struggling to get going like I am. I should be able to devote all day pretty much tomorrow and Wednesday as both mornings have 10.30am appointments so will be up early and home before noon to get to work.

Tomorrow my appointment is with new CPN. I’m not sure what we are going to talk about. I’m guessing the house swap will be mentioned, she was very keen for me to go ahead with it so I’m unsure of how she will react when I tell her it was all stressing me out too much and I’ve decided not to go ahead with it. I think I may have to talk a little about the intensity of the urges to self harm and how extremely hard it is not to act on them and how scared I’m becoming that I’m going to do it and it is going to be another severe and deep wound. How can I ever expect people to think of me as normal when I write my entire life across my body… every scar tells a story and all that…

On Wednesday I have an appointment with Mr Psychiatrist. I think this will probably be my last ever appointment with him and he is due to retire in January I think. So it will either be my last or second last, I’m not sure yet. I have been thinking about telling him about the voice that comes and goes but I don’t want to worry anyone unnecessarily, I mean maybe it’s just my own voice and I’m getting myself all confused.

On Friday I have another appointment with support worker from rape crisis. So I must must must get an essay written and submitted by Friday. My head just keeps turning to total mush when I try to concentrate and I lose  all my train of thought.

I realised today that I have quite a long Christmas holiday. This semester ends once I have submitted this essay. We get our results in a couple of weeks (hopefully before Christmas but possibly afterwards) and then I enrol onto two modules that I will study together from mid-January to June. The next two are Psychology of the Individual and Sociology of the Family.

See I knew if I came over here I would find words and be able to write again! I have just found 900 words out of nowhere – I haven’t even managed 9 words of my essay in all the hours of sitting in front of it! I don’t know that I’ve made any discoveries of anything lurking at the back of my mind and bothering me, not apart from the voice and that stupid girly giggle or if I needed to scribble down that these self harm urges are getting ridiculously intense and very hard to ignore. Either way, I have found some words and with them come a little hope that I’ll be able to find some more tomorrow and get some of this essay done.

22:17 – Trying to make sense of things

25 Nov

This past week has been crap. In fact the last blog post I wrote where I was genuinely ‘OK’ goes back to the beginning of October. So that’s been at least six weeks of sliding further and further down the slippery slope and struggling to get through each day, struggling to just function, struggling to catch up with my studies… since I was last in a good ‘zone’ and was losing weight and excited about starting the university course.

In the past six weeks I’ve stopped attending appointments (haven’t been to any in 2-3 weeks now), I’ve stopped going outside when it’s light, have battled everyday with anxiety and paranoia, I’ve not really had any contact with anyone, I think constantly about self harming, I barely shower… I guess I’m not/have not been in the best of places lately.

It’s Sunday night and another long crappy shitty week comes to an end soon. And another one starts tomorrow. Will I be able to make it to the appointment with new CPN this week on Tuesday morning? I think if I don’t go I might fuck things up for myself getting help from the mental health team as that would be the third one in a row I wouldn’t have attended, and I’ve only met her once… seems like ages ago that I met her now.

I am one week behind with the uni course at the moment. I start week 11’s work tomorrow when I should be starting week 12 and week 11 is an intensive reading week so it’s going to be super hard to get the concentration and motivation levels up and get the work done. If I can get week 11 and 12 done over the next 7-10 days then I will just about have enough time to get my final essay written and submitted on time. So it is possible for me to catch up and to pass this module, it’s just a matter of actually doing it now.

The possibility I mentioned the other day about doing a house exchange with a girl I know is still a possibility. She wanted to come and see the flat on Friday but my anxiety was awful, it was giving me really bad stomach pains and hot and cold flushes and I felt really bad so I asked if we could swap to Saturday. Then Saturday I was still being suffocated by the anxiety so I cancelled again. She text me today and asked if I was feeling better and if she could pop down tomorrow at some point, to which I have said yes so I really hope tomorrow I wake up in a reasonably calm state. I woke up earlier than usual today and have been awake for most of it, so tonight I am going to try and get to sleep early and try and face a day in the day time, take the dogs (and myself) out for a walk when it’s light and try and whack this anxiety on the head and convince myself there is nothing to be scared of about people being able to see me. Easier said than done though even if it does sound ridiculous to some people.

Anyway back to the house swap, I have been so sure up until now that I am unhappy in this flat. Worse than unhappy. Miserable. Trapped. Stuck in the past and the memories. Unable to sleep in an actual bed in my bedroom, for 9 months now I have slept on the living room sofa. I was so sure I would be so much happier in a little house with a garden in a quiet little area and a new fresh start. And had this girl asked me even a couple of weeks ago when things were bad (but not this bad) I would have been jumping with excitement about the possibility of this house swap. Instead I get the news that this might be a possibility whilst I am suffering badly with anxiety and completely in self isolation mode, when my night’s are days and days are nights, and every time I think about moving out of here my anxiety starts getting worse again. WTF?! What is that all about?

I *know* I am not happy in this flat and I know that when I’m thinking more clearly that I desperately want out of here. Is the anxiety surrounding it because I’m scared of change – like even though I hate the way I’m currently living it’s what I know – or is it because I’m just so scared and anxious in general at the moment about going outside and seeing people that I just don’t want to let her or anyone in my flat at the moment? I don’t know. Part of me even wonders if I might be scared to say goodbye to the memories that haunt me in this flat… I know that probably sounds crazy but it feels like a very real possibility. It’s like I never go in the bedroom because it freaks me out, I get tortured with a variety of flashbacks and it really messes with my head because it can all be so intense… but I know that through that door that’s what that room has in store for me and I’m now wondering – does a part of me ‘need’ to know that those memories are just through that door? I find myself wondering if I’ll forget the memories as and when the time comes to leave this flat – and – I’m starting to realise that this scares me. I don’t want to forget some of them, but I know I need a fresh blank canvas. And maybe it is partly that which scares me, what if I get that blank canvas, that fresh start, and still feel this unhappy? What if I begin to feel guilty that I left my memories behind?

I remember when I got the keys for this flat six years ago and then for the first week I couldn’t sleep in it. Anxiety completely overtook me and I could only come down in the daytime at first, I’d potter around putting things where I wanted them, but would then go running back to my parents house (the spare room as my room was now empty) and I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t sleep here. But something was stopping me. If I remember correctly I ended up going out for drinks one night then decided at the end of the night that I was just going to walk along the road to the flat and see how long I could stay there. The alcohol helped a little to relax me but it was still really hard that first night. I think my ex then said he would stay for a couple of nights with me and from there onwards I was OK in here.

I think I get anxiety a hell of a lot surrounding change, new people, new places, the unfamiliar, and a whole lot more. And I know that it does always turn out OK in the end but it’s so hard to remember that mid anxiety attack.

Anyways I have rambled on long enough, I don’t even know what the point of this post actually was, just one of those moments where I needed to write out all the thoughts and worries in my head I guess.