Tag Archives: money

15:33 – Just a little moan about life

27 Mar

In the last five days since I last posted nothing much has changed.

I still feel miserable, I still want to self harm again, I’m too tired to actually do it though. Also I’m beginning to wish I had just let them put proper sutures in last week, but because I was so anxious and wanted out of the hospital asap I asked them just to use lots of skin closures. And they have closed the wounds quite well but because one of them was pretty deep it is so painful where it is obviously still healing under the actual cut. I’ve never had pain in a self harm wound 8 days after doing it when I’ve had prope stitches in, but I don’t think it’s infected or anything, I think it’s just taking a good bit longer to start healing.

Anyway… what else can I moan about…

My sleeping. It remains completely shit and I am absolutely exhausted.

I still haven’t done any of my course work for this university module, in fact I haven’t even looked at my uni emails in about two weeks now.

So yeah… I just plod on through each day, doing very little, making sure the dogs are fed, walked and happy… other than that I’ve been caring about very little else.

The good news of this week is I have now cleared the remaining £50 that was left on the balance of Charlie dog’s vet bill – so I’ve cleared all the excess and the insurance company paid all the rest of the rather large bill.

Hmm what else? Oh my parents have returned from their holiday now so knowing they are just a phone call away again helps a little bit.

Like I say I’m just too tired to feel any enthusiasm for anything. It’s been weeks of this nonsense now and it’s really starting to get to me. I feel on the edge of tears all the time because I just feel so drained.

Yesterday I met up with best friend and my two little ‘nephews’ which was nice as it had been weeks since I last saw them. We went about an hour away from home (even with a fair few Diazepam the anxiety was still pretty bad on the way there) but by the time we got to our destination and I saw it was nice and quiet I managed to stay relatively calm. The kids are of course a great distraction – every time my head would start going into crazy mode they would start asking for something and I’d be pulled back into the moment. First of all we let the kids burn off some energy in the soft play area for about an hour. They are only 2 and 4 so they loved playing in the ball pool and going up and down all the slides and stuff. After that we went for some lunch and then before heading home the kids wanted to play in the outdoor swing park for a while. It was so cold and the snow was on and off all day but I think it probably did me good to get out of the house for a 3 or 4 hours.

Well it’s almost 3.30pm and I need to go and collect my prescription. Not really got any plans for the next few days – just an appointment with my support worker tomorrow afternoon and that’s about it. Think I might go to the parents on Sunday seeing as it’s Easter and enjoy a nice home cooked meal there. That reminds me, I need to go buy my little ‘nephews’ (best friends kids) an Easter egg each. Also I have no food in the house. I think whether I like it or not I’m going to have to face a supermarket today. Blah… I’m just totally not in the mood to be going outside at all but I need my medication so I guess I don’t really have much choice.

Mood wise things are in the ‘crap’ category. Voices are ‘very vocal’. Thoughts are no longer racing, they are slow… too slow… so slow I can’t connect anything together right…

Sorry for all the moaning… hopefully next time I post will be a happier/more positive rambling… who knows…


00:31 – Where’s my head at…??

24 Aug

Up down, up down, all over the bloody place, then seemingly sane again for a moment, no matter how brief. I have been very argumentative today, I picked a fight with best friend because I was pissed off that she is spending so much time with her other friend and we had made plans for today which she then cancelled yet still managed to spend time with this other friend. So I told her I felt left out, second best, always the one she turns to when she needs help with the kids or needs a favour…. no longer the one she has fun with… that’s the other friend’s job it would seem. They go out every single weekend drinking. Best friend is a single mum of a 1 year old and a 3 year old. Personally I don’t think it’s right that she finds a babysitter and goes out drinking every Saturday night. It doesn’t matter if it’s only £20 she takes out, it’s the principle of it. She chose to be a mother, she chose to do it single handedly. For the 1 year old it’s different, he’s already in bed by the time she goes out, but the 3 year old has different people putting him to bed every weekend. I can’t explain it, I just don’t think it’s right. I don’t expect to go out every weekend, I go out maybe once a month because that’s all I can afford and because I try not to fuck my head up too much with alcohol on top of my meds. Is any of this making sense? Probably not. Am I just jealous of the other friendship she has? Probably a bit, yes.

So we argued, by text then face to face. This led to me being in full on grumpy bitch mode for the rest of the afternoon. I spent way too much money today and get no more for a fortnight but I paid four bills and had to buy one of the dogs a new lead as he had one of those flexi-leads and managed to snap the cord on it so I got him the halti training lead so he has a little bit of distance/freedom but is still firmly attached to me. Temperamental little shit that he is (and a lovable little shit too as he is lying here with his face curled into my side snoring away).

I met up with my brother and his girlfriend this evening and we went to the fair. It is here for the weekend and was mainly full of teenagers but we got to behave like big kids and it perked my mood back up again. We only went on three rides but omg I was nearly sick by the end. One was like a ferris wheel but in swinging cages that spin round and round as the big wheel goes round so you’re upside down at the top of a big wheel and stuff! Me and my brother’s girlfriend went on that one and I seriously thought she was going to be sick all over the place!

It was a bit like this, I know the photo looks tame but when it’s going fast and your swinging round and round it certainly doesn’t feel it!

Then all three of us went on one where you all sit in a line and it throws you way up in the air, a magic carpet style ride like this one:


Then lastly we went on a ride similar to the sticky walls ride where everyone sits round in a big circle (with nothing holding you in, you are just sitting on a seat) and it spins so fast you stick to the side then it tilts away up on each side – wayyy to much spinning and three very close to puking stomachs by the end of it!

Anyway that passed some time this evening and put me back into a better mood. I came home and walked the dogs then put my pj’s on and watched a bit of TV. Then as soon as I had taken my antibiotics and meds I started to feel so sick, I don’t know if it was from the rides or the medication. Anyway I took an Omeprazole to try and calm the sick feeling down but that was way over an hour ago and I still feel pretty rough.

I’m feeling frustrated that I can’t sleep even though I feel very tired. I have been lying in the dark since 11pm and it’s now 12.50am so almost two hours. I think my body is trying to tell me that it’s not feeling very well, I think I am likely to be sick pretty soon then maybe I’ll begin to feel a bit better. I’ve been being sick and feeling sick a lot lately with all these tablets I’m on and my body just doesn’t seem to tolerate antibiotics at all. Never mind, nearly finished, I think I’ve just got tomorrows lot to take and then they are finished.

Well that was an awful lot of words considering I didn’t really think I had much to say for myself. My little town gets very busy this weekend as we have the annual highland games event on, I usually look forward to it but this year I really can’t be bothered with it. I enjoy the fireworks display on Saturday night and I enjoy watching some of the pipe bands, especially the ones with the little kids in them, they always look so cute carrying big drums and stuff!

Well that’s 1am now, time to try and sleep again. I have no idea what tomorrow has in store, hopefully a peaceful day of rest just me and the doggies and maybe a nice walk somewhere.

17:26 – Just fucking crazy

1 Aug

Things really aren’t good at the moment. I feel like everything is too much and I can’t deal with it all. I so want to be positive and think I can do this college course but something deep inside is saying that I can’t do it, I’m not strong/clever/intelligent enough. I find myself just sitting here thinking that nothing makes any great deal of sense, I know what I want but I don’t have enough faith in myself that I can achieve it all.

I am in a huge amount of debt to my parents, I am 30 years old and they still have to bail me out every time I fuck something else up. I am still living in this one room and bills seem to be hitting me left right and centre. I wake up and am not even sure that I’m actually here, I have to like pinch myself to see if I’m actually alive. Today I walked the dogs in a complete daze, I picked up my weekly prescription and tried to sort out the ongoing saga with my boiler that keeps blowing fuses. My phone kept ringing from the gas people who keep saying they are going to disconnect me if I do not pay my bill. I paid a bit of it off last week, I paid a bit more of it off today, I had to borrow yet more money from my parents… Fuck is any of this actually making any sense because it’s not to me.

Let me try and put things into some sort of an order.

Firstly my boiler keeps breaking down. It was brand new fitted in February and I had no problems with it until last week when it blew a fuse. Then it got fixed then it blew again. The housing association whom I rent my flat through then had to debate whether to get the manufacturer to pay for the part as it is still under warranty or whether to get a local company to get the part. Anyway I don’t know what they have decided, all I know is I have no central heating or hot water. And they aren’t going to be able to permanently fix it until tomorrow at the earliest, they phoned me today to say it might even take until Monday – how the fuck am I supposed to manage with no heating or hot water for almost a week??

Whilst this is going on, I have the gas company chasing me for money for my first bill that I hadn’t paid on time. Every morning letters coming in saying they are going to disconnect me – it’s fucking broken anyway I don’t even have any gas! So I paid a bit of the bill last week and paid more today, for which I had to ask my parents for a loan of money. Pathetic at 30 I still need my parents to bail me out.

I’ve not been able to leave the house properly for the past few days because they keep saying they might be round to fix my boiler then never appear. Today they finally confirmed they wouldn’t have the part needed until tomorrow at the earliest. I know I am repeating myself a lot here but I need to write it all out.

My Dad said he would come down next weekend to paint my flat for me so it will be all freshly painted as and when they come to do a housing inspection for my housing transfer that I am still waiting for and still seem no closer to getting.

College course. Everyone saying they are so proud of me. People saying I am getting better. I’m not, my head is fucked. Boilers breaking, not knowing when they are going to fix it, hating having workmen coming and going from my flat and being in my space. Letters from people saying I owe money to them, I have no money, I borrow money from my parents and have no idea when I will ever be able to repay it. I try and pay little bits to everyone so they all have something but the total balances never seem to clear. I have a week to go until I get my next lot of benefits money and already it is all paid out on bills. It’s a never ending cycle of debt and misery.

I try and blank it out and go get myself ridiculously drunk. Because alcohol is really going to help right? And then I feel ill and messed up and hungover and back to that place where nothing makes any sense. Back to that place where I think I am unable to achieve anything and constantly doubt my ability to do this college course that hasn’t even fucking started yet. Worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet. Crazy thoughts, constantly.

I pack a bag and decide I want them to cart me away because I can’t cope any more and then realise I can’t go back down that path again, so instead I sit and cry. Again, nothing makes sense to me, the phone rings, people want things from me, people want to see me and I can’t leave the house. I am trapped by my own craziness. It’s all so fast and so random and so nonsensical.

Why can’t it just be an easy list like:

  • Boiler needs repaired
  • Flat needs painted
  • I have debts to take care of
  • I need a housing transfer
  • I am starting a college course

They all blend into one, they all mix up, I am left feeling crazy and start having the crazy thoughts. That I shouldn’t be here, that I’m not even here, that my life is just pretence. Then I pinch myself and sure enough I am here, I am alive, I am living in this mess. Living, surviving, not coping. But trying to appear as though I am coping so superbly well to those around me. Wanting people to be proud of me even though I don’t think I’m going to be able to achieve the things I have to do to make them proud.

See, this post makes no sense, it’s all mixed up and back and forth and that is how my head is. A complete rollercoaster of emotions. Up down, up down, inside out, outside in. Wanting to achieve but no faith. Trying to keep these companies happy and live on next to no money. A diet that consists of bread and beans most days. Borrowing from my parents just to get by for another few days. Cold, no heating. Workmen invading my space. Fixing things then things breaking again. Always needing to come back, I don’t want them back I want them to fix it for real then fuck off out my space.

I get a slap of reality that I am here. I am alive. I am existing. This is my life. I hate it. I want out. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know how to feel ok again. Everything feels out of control, how do I get it back under control? What happened in the past few weeks where everything was so positive to ending up like this?

Life is fucking crazy. Too crazy. Back to looking for ways to self medicate myself through this for another 24 hours. Falling apart, pulling myself back together. Not having a fucking clue where it’s all going or when it’s going to stop. Voices? Are they back? I’m sure I hear them. Do I hear them? I don’t know. I hear something. I don’t know what is real anymore.

20:36 – Fucked up shit and a sigh of relief

5 Jan

I mentioned a while ago that I’d been (mis)using a variety of substances to try and block out the intrusive voices that keep plaguing my brain. On New Year’s Day I did something extremely stupid and repeated that stupidity on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

The result of my stupidity?

  • A drug dealer who lets me run up a bill with him.
  • My head being so fucked I thought I got money today but it’s not for another week yet
  • I’ve been violently sick all night last night and felt like shit all day today
  • If I didn’t have the rest of the bill I owe the drug dealer by tomorrow I was going to get (and I quote) my ‘c**t kicked in’. Charming, I know.
  • Due to the fear of not having the money on time I slashed my arm, tried to stab an artery and have spent all day swallowing Diazepam and Codeine.

So yes, you could say life has been pretty fucked up over the past five days. Everything has been experimental, I wanted to try everything and anything until I found some magic cure that wrapped me up all cosy and warm and protected from the bad things in the world. But I’ve learned that this isn’t the way forward. Drugs really are for mugs. I’m not saying I’m never going to smoke the odd spliff here and there again but nothing stronger than that. I’ve had a massive wake up call and realise 100% that the guy selling things to me isn’t a friend; he’s someone who saw me as an easy target for trying to get me hooked on stuff and someone who would shit herself if she couldn’t pay up in time.

And that’s very nearly what happened. I have until tomorrow afternoon to pay up or I’m not sure what the consequences would be. I decided tonight I had to speak to someone in confidence about it all and as it turned out I now have been very lucky and now have a solution to pay off my bill tomorrow. I will never go near that man/dealer again, he very nearly and very quickly could have got me addicted to any kind of gear possible, he is scum, but then again I am the fucking idiot for associating with him. But I can’t explain it, when you just need to block something out and have tried every other way then you get desperate and desperate times call for desperate measures, as they say.

So thankfully I am going to get the guy off my back tomorrow and that will be a definite goodbye to him. I can’t believe the kind generosity of some people, it actually made me cry. Crying in relief, crying from my own stupidity.

My aim is to make it through the weekend with nothing at all, not even a glass of wine. I need to know I can face life without substances to blur things out and I need to know if my Olanzapine is actually doing anything at all. I phoned to speak to my psychiatrist today but he is on holiday for another week so the other psych is going to phone me on Monday. I think the Olanzapine needs increasing so I’m going to speak to him about that. I will be honest about the substance misuse as I have been with all of the professionals so far, I just haven’t named and shamed everything I’ve been using.

And now with a sigh of relief that everything will be OK tomorrow I am going to take the dogs a quick walk then think about getting some sleep.

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17 Mar

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8 Sep

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