I met the guy again today after practically begging him to give me a second chance. It all started off well, we went a long drive to the middle of nowhere, got a sandwich for lunch, admired the view, all that kind of shit. I told him I wanted to kiss him, he didn’t stop me.
Then on the way back home we pulled over by the water and things started to heat up, quickly followed by a “this is wrong” coming out of his mouth. So I ask him why it’s so wrong and he tells me he is still in recovery, he shouldn’t be using me to make him happy, his contact person had already told him he wasn’t ready for going out and having a relationship and his undivided attention must go to his recovery.
I tell him I am in recovery as well but I see him as a good person to have in my life. I tell him I felt a connection, I felt like we clicked the first time we spoke online. I felt very sad, hurt, my brain laughing at me saying I will never be good enough to be anything more than just someone to mess about with. I felt rejected, he accused some of my texts of playing mind games with him. They were never meant that way, I just responded to some of his messages in anger/upset. I just feel so fucking rejected, how can something feel so right to one person and so wrong to another?
He asked could we be friends. At first I thought I could but as we continued to drive I very much started to think the opposite. Why would I want to be friends with someone who knew I liked him as more than friends, who came back to see me for a second time, who kissed me and spent a nice time with me, who gave me the impression he liked me as much as I liked him? I do want to be friends but I just can’t at the moment. It was so fucking awkward in the car when we were saying goodbye, I couldn’t even speak properly, everything I said was like hitting a brick wall, I was not going to win, I was not going to get my point across, I just had to sit there feeling totally rejected and deal with it.
I came home, I cried my eyes out, my head laughing at me again that I’m incapable of being liked, loved, wanted for anything other than sex with a guy. I feel stupid at myself for liking him so quickly and angry at him for knowing I liked him and yet still coming to see me.
The solution to tonight’s problems? A bottle of wine and my remaining diazepam. I’m not going to hurt myself in a cutting sort of way, I’m just going to blank it all out and no doubt have a little cry to myself whilst listening to Johnny Cash on repeat until I finally fall asleep.
Like he says, I focus on the pain, it’s the only thing that’s real….. and….everyone I know goes away in the end…