Tag Archives: low carb dieting

23:23 – Seeing new social worker & rape crisis support worker

5 Oct

Today I had two appointments. The first was at 1pm where I had my first appointment with the new social worker but she hasn’t replaced other social worker she is just working with me temporarily for a few weeks until the new permanent CPN starts. So she asked how I was doing and I told her about going with other social worker to advocacy on Tuesday and how hard I actually find it to express why I want to move out of this flat so badly. Somehow this led on to me telling her my life story. I didn’t plan on doing that but it just kind of happened, not in masses of detail but kind of significant events along the way and when diagnoses were made etc. I didn’t get hugely positive vibes from her when we first met the other week but she actually turned out to be quite nice and I think I’ll be OK working with her for a few weeks, she seems easy enough to talk to, so that’s good.

I then had an appointment with the support worker from rape crisis. I haven’t seen her in two weeks as she was off on holidays so it was nice to see her and have a bit of a catch up, tell her how I got on with my child befrienders interview and how I had got my first uni essay in… then onto the bad stuff about the self harming and how I’d done it again in the time she’d been away. It seems that self harm often goes hand in hand with rape/sexual abuse so she is pretty understanding about it all and asked what I thought would help me at the moment and I said I didn’t know, just trying to keep myself distracted I guess. She said she was more than happy to see me once a week and after me rambling away for over an hour we arranged to meet up again next Thursday. She said today that as I enjoy writing and feel like I can express myself better when I write things down then she might give me a writing exercise to do next week which I assume will be writing about my feelings about the recent assault or perhaps writing a letter to him or something…. I remember when I was a young teenager and getting help from a CAMHS psychologist she got me to write a letter to my childhood abuser telling him how it made me feel, what I thought of him for doing that to me and a whole load of other stuff… and then we took it outside and took a match to it and watched it burn. I guess it was supposed to be symbolic somehow, like as though I was watching all those bad feelings just burn away.

This time though everything just confuses the hell out of me when I think about it. Maybe because I still have no real recollection of what happened other than knowing it did happen from the PCP drug found in my tests and the intense flashbacks that are still face-less. I was actually thinking about it a lot yesterday. This is going to be way too much information for some of you so you may wish to look away now…but… I had recently taken a course of Provera (the tablet that I use to induce a period seeing as I don’t have them on my own thanks to the condition PCOS)… I finished the course on Tuesday and was expecting my period to show Friday/Saturday (usually 3-5 days after I take the last tablet). However it caught me off guard and came yesterday, Thursday, and full heavy flow at that. And suddenly I felt very weird about it being there and the first thing I did was go straight into the shower to clean and clean and clean as I felt like I was dirty.

I tried speaking about this with rape crisis woman today and she said it made sense. I told her it was like the first time since the assault where I’d been aware of my ‘girly bits’ and all these flashbacks started happening and I felt so dirty at the sight of the blood and just had to repeatedly clean myself in the shower until my head adjusted and calmed down to the realisation it was OK, it was just a period. So yeah, that wasn’t particularly pleasant.

Anyway no more period talk I promise. Don’t want the guys who read this to get too squeamish!

I think I’m going to spend a few hours with my Mum tomorrow as she has the day off work. Usually we would go for a bite to eat but seeing as this bloody diet is so restrictive it will probably just be a cuppa for her and a water for me, and maybe take the dogs along the beach or something if it stays dry. Last night we had a crazy thunder and lightening storm, the whole sky was lighting right up for hours. It was pretty cool to watch but one of my dogs is terrified of thunder (and fireworks) so I had to close the curtains, turn the TV up loud and wrap him up in a duvet next to me, even then I could still feel him shaking, poor thing. My little dog didn’t bat an eyelid, he just did his silly little barks each time the sky roared!

Speaking of the dogs it’s time for their bedtime walk and it’s time for me to do some reading before I try and get off to sleep as well. I hate the weekends, drunk people passing by my house til like 3am and the noise makes the dogs bark which in turn wakes me up and I end up frustrated and very tired. Hopefully tonight they won’t be as bad and I can sleep right through but that hasn’t happened in weeks and weeks so I doubt very much it will now. I seem to be firmly set in a pattern this past week of sleeping between the hours of 1am and 3am and between 5am and 8am and that’s it. So averaging out at about 5 hours of broken sleep a night. Pretty blah.

Anyway time to take these doggies out.

Goodnight folks x


20:57 – Well I went to a&e

25 Sep

I have just got back home from a&e, I was in there for ages and best friend came with me. First of all I only mentioned my leg wound from a week or two ago and said I needed a wound check, so she took the dressing off and cleaned it up again and put another one on with a tubigrip bandage to add some pressure to help it close up a bit more.

Then I admit I have cut again. She took the bandage off my arm that I’d put on earlier and one of the cuts just would not stop bleeding, it was bleeding with such a constant thick flow that she couldn’t tell if it was a couple of capillaries I’d cut through or the side of a vein. We tried pressure… didn’t work… we tried pressure and glue but it was bleeding so fast that it bled right through the glue and the glue literally takes a second to dry… then I had to sit with my arm up in the air applying pressure but it still wouldn’t stop. In the end she used a caustic pencil (had to google it there to see what it was called). It looks like a long matchstick and the little bit on the end of it burns the bit that’s bleeding to cauterize it. I have never had to have one of them before and I never want it again – she used two of them to get it to stop and it seriously felt like someone was sticking a red hot poker stick right into the wound. When best friend and the nurse saw my face (trying to fight back the tears as it was so sore) best friend said to me “the next time you go to cut I want you to remember this moment”…. Hmm….

It was the senior charge nurse who was on, she has been at my CPA meeting before and when I very first met her I really wasn’t sure if I liked her as she is quite serious and matron like… but as time has gone on I’ve realised she’s actually really nice and seems like she genuinely wants to help me when I attend a&e. She was the one who phoned me the other week to request my permission to inform the mental health team of every time I attend there. So yeah, that’s going to be fun, I have CPN and social worker tomorrow (if social worker shows up) and I’m going to be in a crappy mood and they are going to have a message that I have attended a&e again with self harm wounds.

So anyway… I got medical attention… my leg is cleaned and has a new dressing on it… my arm is glued and steri-stripped and the wound dressed. If I wake up in the morning and the dressing is soaked with blood I have to go straight back up and have that horrible thing to cauterize the bleeding again, if it looks OK then I can wait til Thursday and go up just to have it checked and the dressings changed.

My head is thumping because I’m doing this low carb eating thing again, my body is crying out for some sugar. Today I have eaten a handful of prawns with iceberg lettuce – no dressing, and a tin of tuna with iceberg lettuce – no dressing. And all I can drink at the moment is water. But it will be worth it when I start seeing some weight come off I guess. It’s going to be super hard to stick to right enough.

So I am back home, the dogs have had a quick walk, I’m just about to take my medication even though it’s only coming on 9pm and I’m about to turn the lights out and just lie on the sofa as the light is making my headache even worse.

I guess it hasn’t been a very great day and I’m not overly optimistic that tomorrow’s appointment is going to be much fun either.

18:13 – Seen GP and completed almost all of my little list!

21 Sep

Well I went to see GP, she was in one of her lovely moods which is always nice. She asked how things had gone with Mr Psychiatrist and CPN this week. I told her the meeting with Mr Psychiatrist was completely unproductive and everything he said about me ‘game playing’ by not telling the full truth to everyone and even she pulled a face and said “MCBL, I pick and choose how much information to tell my friends and family about things in my life, everyone does, you certainly aren’t game playing at all, I have no idea why he said that” so that made me feel a bit better that both she and CPN think he’s talking a lot of nonsense.

I asked her to look at the wound on my leg – and sorry this is totally gross – but when she took the dressing off it was covered in horrible pus at one end, gaping open, smelt disgusting and she said it was well and truly infected. This is the first time in 17 years of self harming I have ever got a proper bad infection in a wound and I don’t know how it’s happened because I’ve been having it checked, cleaned, clean dressings put on etc. So I’m now on antibiotics for the next week and she got the practice nurse to clean it and put another dressing on for me after I had finished my appointment with her.

I took the box of Soy Isoflavones with me and asked her what she thought about them. She said she didn’t think they would do me any harm but not to take them every day, to take the Provera which gives me a bleed then to take the Soy on days 3-7 of my period and then see if I get a period naturally after about a month. If I don’t then she has given me 3 months worth of Provera to take to bring on a period and then take the Soy. If I want to, on month 3 I can go and have bloods taken on day 21 of my cycle and they will show if I have ovulated by myself and if the Soy is doing anything to help. She said to give it 3 months, I told her about starting the gym and my plans to low carb again, she said low carb was OK but not no carb i.e. Atkins… and instead to try and follow a low GI diet as it would still be effective but healthier.

I mentioned the Melatonin and she told me that it could be an option if my sleeping continues to be crappy but that she would be hesitant to prescribe it as it has been known to cause delusions in people with mental health problems. Anyway, she said for just now I was on quite enough medication – my normal 3 meds – quetiapine, mirtazapine and diazepam – plus a week of antibiotics for the next week – plus the Provera for 10 days each month plus the Soy for 5 days each month!

So she said to have the wound checked again in 7 days either at a&e or by the practice nurse, to go back and see her in 2 weeks time to let her know how I’m getting on with the Mirtazapine and see if I want it increased or not. I explained all the staff changes and things at the mental health team and she said if I needed any support during it all to remember she is always there. That’s why I like her, she never makes me feel like I’m being a pest! She asked what was happening with regards to the staff changes and I told her I had one more appointment with CPN next week (and also told her that social worker is supposed to be at it and why I’d like her to be there and how awkward everything feels with her at the moment – GP said it was a shame things had turned out like this because when GP became my new GP 3 years ago social worker regularly came to appointments with me and GP said she had always seemed so supportive of my care)… anyway as I was saying… so I told her we have that appointment next week then I’m seeing a different social worker for a few weeks then I meet permanent new CPN and from there will probably just work with her.

So GP said everything sounded good, I seemed more positive than last week, she was happy I hadn’t bought any more pills to stockpile and hoped I could keep the self harm urges under control. The appointment went well, the only thing I got a little bit of a ticking off for was when GP commented that my psoriasis was looking a lot better and I admitted I’ve been using  the sunbeds for 2 minutes twice a week…oops… but it is working and I’m being very careful to stick to only 2 minutes at a time, the last thing I want is skin cancer and being fair skinned I burn really easily as well so she said just be very careful but she would much rather I got proper UV light treatment through the dermatologist at big scary hospital.

After my appointment I went to the gym and handed in my referral letter, unfortunately there was no receptionist there and the only member of staff around was foreign so she didn’t really understand what I was talking about when I told her about the free gym membership through your GP, so I left the letter with her and wrote my phone number on it and she said she would get someone to phone me on Monday.

I then collected my antibiotics and decided I couldn’t be bothered with the supermarket today so just grabbed a tub of that cold pasta stuff (and a chocolate bar – my bad) while I was in the garage topping up my electricity.

The dogs got a short walk but it’s still early and still dry so I have time to take them a big one later and I still have a bit of uni work to do but other than that I have managed to do almost everything on my list for today. Oh and my new shower is ace! It was so so nice and warm and feels so good to be nice and clean again!

I’m not sure what to do with myself tonight besides walk the dogs. Watch the soaps from 7-9pm then there isn’t much on after that, Friday nights and Sunday nights are always pretty boring. I’ve actually got quite a sore head and could do with just having a little lie down for an hour… I think I may do that…

Have a nice night everyone 🙂

14:47 – Off to the GP shortly

21 Sep

I have my appointment with lovely GP in 45 minutes. It’s already nearly 3pm and I am not dressed, one of the workmen guys came to my door this morning but I didn’t hear him because I WAS SLEEPING! A bloody miracle! He just put a note through the door to say not to use my shower before 2pm as it needed 24 hours to dry out properly and it was around 2pm he finished with it yesterday… Anyway… I actually slept from around 11.30pm/midnight through until 8.30am – a full 8 hours sleep! I don’t know if it was because I was so completely shattered that my body finally just gave up, exhausted, and let me sleep or if it was the Mirtazapine that helped. It was slightly broken sleep, I do remember being awake around 3am and putting something on iPlayer to watch and then falling back asleep half way through it.

I was looking into Melatonin a bit more this morning and have read it can actually have some quite bad side effects so have decided I won’t ask GP about it just yet, maybe the Mirtazapine increase is going to help me sleep after all. I guess time will tell and I’ll see how I am over the weekend. Slightly worried that I only slept out of total exhaustion and will end up not being able to sleep again all weekend but if that happens I will just have to find a way to deal with it.

My Soya Isoflavones that I ordered arrived this morning. I bought them to try and help with my PCOS and menstrual problems but upon reading the information leaflet they say they are also helpful for a variety of other things and mood swings and irritability were one of them so maybe these little vitamins will help me out a bit. I suppose I better tell GP I am taking them, it’s important they know exactly what I am and am not taking. She will probably try and talk me out of taking them because doctors are all about the bloody medical model and this is something “alternative” but unless she can offer me an anti-estrogen medication and not just something to make me bleed then I am going to give them a shot.

I’m also going to ask her to check my wound on my leg and ask her if it’s healed enough to go and take my form to the gym to get signed up there. I really need to start taking more exercise so longer walks with the dogs and 1 or 2 sessions at the gym each week combined with eating a bit healthier should all help. I want to try low-carbing again, it was what helped me lose a tonne of weight around 6 years ago but it’s so so hard to stick to, especially in the first few weeks when you have to be very disciplined with yourself. But although a lot of people say it’s unhealthy, it is very effective when you have PCOS and insulin issues. I was planning to go and do my weekly food shop today but I know there is no chance of me sticking to low carb eating over the weekend so I will let myself have the weekend of eating what I want then do my food shopping on Monday and only buy low carb foods in.

I will write up a weeks worth of low carb recipes over the weekend so my meals are all planned out for every day next week. I have to do something about my weight, it is not healthy and I don’t feel healthy, it’s affecting my self confidence a lot and I’m 31 next month, I need to start taking better care of my body if I ever want to try to conceive again in the future. Also it was around this age that my Dad and Aunt both started developing high blood pressure problems (and they were both normal weights) so I need to try and reduce the risks of things like that happening to me as well.

It’s all so easy to talk about but putting it into practice is going to be so bloody hard! But I’ve done it once before… I can do it again right?!

OK I need a plan for today:

  • Go and have a shower in new shower 🙂
  • Get dressed, put gym letter in bag
  • Go see GP – ask her to check my leg and tell her I’m starting the Soya tablets
  • Go and hand in my gym letter and see if they can give me an induction date
  • Come back and get dogs and walk down onto the seafront promenade and just walk and walk until I feel as though I’ve done some proper exercise!
  • Go to supermarket and buy food for weekend
  • Read last bit of my textbook chapter for this week’s uni work

That should be enough to keep me busy for a while. I don’t know how honest to be with GP about the self harm thoughts and how strong they still are. I don’t want fucking psychiatrist saying I am game playing again by picking and choosing who I tell information to but equally I don’t want to cause GP any concern on a Friday when she knows support is extremely limited over the weekend. I guess I just have to be honest with her and say yes the thoughts are there, the urges are bad, I don’t know if I’ll act on them but can only hope that I will be able to resist.

I shall probably write another post of ramblings later tonight with how the day went. I guess I better go and get ready now – new shower – yay 🙂