Tag Archives: keeping ‘them’ happy

21:08 – That’s why I should be kept quiet

28 Feb

I had an appointment at 1pm today with my lovely support worker from Rape Crisis. I ended up telling her some of what I wrote about last night. I didn’t tell her much, pretty much the same as what I wrote on here but she seemed to get quite concerned. I was trying to coherently explain the reasoning for everything in my head but I don’t know if I just ended up sounding bonkers.

She challenged everything the voices told me and their logic which meant me feeling a bit mixed up. She got me to admit to her that since waking up and feeling so messed up on Sunday that I haven’t really been taking my medication properly. It’s just because I want to hear and feel and see everything properly like in high definition or something. And the meds make me feel slowed down and I get mixed up half way through sentences and generally make me feel a bit stupid and my brain like mush. So I’ve been skipping morning doses so that I can wake up properly and do all that is being asked of me. I’ve skipped a couple of evening doses as well which might be why I’ve not been sleeping so great. I thought it was just because I had a lot going on swirling around in my head.

Before leaving the appointment she asked me to please not do anything to myself and to phone the CMHT and ask lovely social worker for an appointment. She also suggested that the three of us get together and just talk about where we’re at with things, maybe that would be a good idea, I don’t know. So I got an appointment with lovely social worker for Tuesday. It will be nice to see her again but equally I’m scared because since leaving the appointment with lovely support worker today the chitter chatter have been pretty angry with me, telling me I said way too much today and it’s all because of my big fucking mouth, that’s what causes so much trouble. It should be wired shut! This is why they want me not to be able to talk any more so that I don’t spend an hour in a support session voicing what they are telling me. I should be keeping everything they say private! Instead I’m now going to have three appointments next week with lovely social worker on Tuesday, lovely GP on Wednesday and lovely support worker on Thursday. I seriously need to learn silence or create silence this weekend, I can’t go on telling them things like the way I did today.

So yes, they have been troubling me quite a lot this evening. Around 5.30pm I was starting to get desperate for them to be quiet. Where has all the nice stuff that they were telling me just a few days ago gone? Why is it all commands and demands now? I needed some peace inside my head so I did try and do something that would make them happy but just after I started I kept freezing like I was unsure whether or not I should really do it. It’s so hard when they are screaming yes and there is only this tiny little whisper of a voice saying ‘no, don’t do it’. So I started and then I stopped with minimal damage occurring. Then my phone began to ring and I got distracted for a little while talking to lovely social worker. It was nice to speak to her but afterwards the chitter chatter started up loudly again telling me they had already warned me about saying too much. And that kind of upset me then because the trust I have with lovely support worker and lovely social worker is huge and they have both been so good with helping me and never judging me and I want to be able to tell them things. But the noise in my head gets louder and louder until I’m distressed and pacing around or just sitting here crying because I feel as though I can’t cope any more with all this confusion.

This evening I have been reading a lot to do with religion, more specifically trying to find out if there is a way I can test that these messages coming from a higher power and the others telling me how to please this higher power are real. Like is there a way to test them? I’ve been reading a lot of interesting articles about knowing whether or not it is really God speaking to you and I’m still very much convinced it is either Him or a couple of messengers he has sent that I am hearing. As for the two things they want me to do, well I don’t know, like I said I did start to do one of them earlier but something made me stop before any real damage was done. What’s hard is to ignore the amazing miracle gift they tell me I will receive when I obey them. I don’t want to be greedy but I’d like that gift so very much. They tell me it’s only a matter of time until I will back down and just do it. Maybe they are right. They certainly seem to talk a lot of sense to me even if it does mess my head up a bit.

I am going to take my medication tonight just to quieten them down a notch or two. I know I need to try and get some proper sleep tonight because I am starting to get very tired. I’ve lost count of the amount of times they have criticised me for saying too much today and to be honest they’re still at it just now. Even though I’ve spent all evening trying to understand why they want me to obey them so badly and even trying to make deals with them that if they can just prove it a little tiny bit to me that I really will be rewarded in the manner that they promise then just to show me and I would believe them there and then, no more doubts.

But just because I have some niggling doubts at the moment I would still love to think I really could be rewarded with miraculous things.

In the meantime I leave you with a couple of lovely songs (as usual I prefer to read the lyrics)

 

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16:25 – A bit of a messed up day so far

24 Feb

Well I messed up. I had planned to go to Church this morning for the service at 10.30am to say thank you to God for helping me in my prayers and also to see what that Church is like as I go through my “trying to find the right faith for me” thingy.

But last night best friend phoned and asked me if I was going out for some drinks with a little group of them. I went to say no and before I got the chance she said “you promised you would come out this weekend, you’ve not had a night out since like Christmas time”. Then I remembered that I did indeed promise I would go for a night out with her. So I said that I would go.

Everyone went to her house to get ready to go out, there was the usual commotion of clothes and make up everywhere, mirrors propped up on tables, music blaring, the air a mix of hairspray, perfume and cigarette smoke. Oh and a nice big litre bottle of Russian vodka and a bottle of Limoncello (to do shots with) were both sitting on the kitchen worktop waiting to be drunk. Before I’d even got my clothes changed I’d already had 2 shots of Limoncello and a large vodka and coke. When I was doing my make up I knocked back another few shots. When I was straightening my hair another large vodka and coke went down the hatch. And by the time we left to get our lift into town I was a little bit tipsy and looking forward to a good night out.

It was around 11pm when we got to the first pub – the norm here is to get at least a little bit drunk before even going out because the pubs don’t really get busy until around midnight, then they get so busy you can hardly move by the time they close at 2am. So yeah the first pub was shit, it was just full of guys playing pool so we had one drink and one shot and then left.

Pub number two was busier and had some decent music playing so we had quite a few drinks in there and some shots and then onto the obligatory jaeger-bombs. Around 12.30 we left and went onto pub three as everyone (apart from me) wanted to go dancing – I don’t do dancing these days – I hide in corners and drink and keep my eye on everything going on around me. Paranoia? No self confidence? Scared of being ‘spiked’ and hurt again? I think all three are correct. So I stood in my corner and watched them all dance and have fun and I started feeling really out of place, like I just didn’t fit in. So about 1.30am I called it a night and came home to walk the dogs and get into bed. I felt pretty drunk but managed to avoid the usual vomiting that follows any time I drink these days. Then again I suppose that much alcohol combined with all the medications I take makes vomiting a pretty likely scenario!

This morning I didn’t wake up until 11.15am as I’d forgotten to set my alarm to 8am to get up and do Charlie dog’s medication. So I quickly got up and got his first one done, threw some clothes on and took them a short walk. By the time I’d done his third morning medication and given them some food my head was absolutely pounding and my hangover was in full swing.

After I’d walked the dogs and fed them and sorted medications and all that stuff I realised it was almost noon and I had missed Church. I felt so bad and before the head chitter chatter even kicked off I immediately started to pray and apologised for failing this morning and promised I would do better next week. But that wasn’t enough and by about 1.30pm the chitter chatter was noisy. Very noisy and very unimpressed with me. Told me to try harder, to do better, to prove myself before things would turn very nasty for me. Reminding me of the powers that God has and how they could make him use those powers to cause me complete and utter misery. I tried searching the web to see if there were any churches that do a live streaming service so you can watch/attend it from home and I did find one, a morning service just about to start that was in a church somewhere in America – it was 9am there and 2pm here so I sang the hymns and listened to the readings and turned the laptop volume up full to try and prove to ‘them’ that I was genuinely sorry for not going to a church today.

But they just kept on getting more and more noisy and in the end I was searching the web for all sorts of things – prayers, how to apologise to God properly, more church services to watch, videos on youtube of bible readings, etc. Then I saw a prayer telephone service and started searching for more of them. I could find a couple in America and one in Australia but nothing in the UK. So I phoned the one in America (no idea how much that’s going to cost me as I’ve not got any international call allowance) but anyway a man answered who introduced himself as Jeff and he asked how he could help me today. I was trying to speak slowly and clearly so he could understand my accent but I was getting close to hysterical with all the voices bouncing around my head telling me what I should beg forgiveness for. Jeff said he could hear I was upset and told me it was OK, to take my time, to allow myself to calm down. If only!

Anyway it all came tumbling out about how I’d failed this morning and broken my promise after God being so good to me and answering my prayers for me. I told him I didn’t know yet which faith/religion I wanted to follow but I was definitely a believer that there is ‘a’ God. He said that was OK, that some people who phone them to pray together don’t even believe in God at all, they just want someone to pray for them at a time of crisis. I went on to tell Jeff a little bit about my mental health problems and how all I really wanted in my life was a sense of happiness. If not happiness then contentment would do just fine. I told him what I was hearing inside my head about how God would never forgive me especially not for going out and getting drunk and then missing church. In my head ‘they’ were hissing at me that I was despicable, telling me I should be ashamed of myself for repaying God in this way after he had helped me so much recently. But Jeff told me that was not true, that God would love me and protect me even if I make mistakes along the way. Because life doesn’t come with an instruction manual and we all make mistakes and through those mistakes we learn from them. He just told me to do the best I could in whatever situation I found myself in and so long as I did that then God would be there to protect me.

In the end I was on the phone for about 30 minutes to him and at the end he said a long prayer for me which he made very personal and I began to cry as he spoke. He asked God to watch over me and give me strength, he asked God to watch over my little boy who is up there in Heaven, he asked God to help me find the strength to recover my mental health and to help give me a brighter future. And despite Jeff saying to me that it didn’t matter if I missed Church so long as I prayed at home he could obviously sense how much ‘they’ were tormenting me for not going, so he added in a line about that in the prayer as well.

It’s now around 4pm and I feel a little calmer again. They seem happy with me that I phoned across the world to have someone pray with me and that I have prayed a lot myself today and that I watched the bible reading videos and ‘attended’ the online church service. So I am being rewarded with some peace and quiet at the moment although my hangover seems to be getting worse as the day goes on. Now I remember why I avoid nights out these days. Although it was nice to go out and have a change of scenery it really wasn’t worth feeling this ill for!

I’m going to my parents house for a Sunday roast dinner in an hour so hopefully that will help me to feel less sick and a bit brighter. I don’t know whether to take the dogs with me or not. They love going to see my parents and probably enjoy the change of environment for a couple of hours, but they are going to be in for a shock as they won’t be getting their own little Sunday roast dinner any more, not now that Charlie dog is on specialist food and for the moment that means strictly no human food! Plus they won’t be able to get their usual treat of a few little dog biscuits because it’s not fair to give to one of them and not the other. They probably think I’m being so mean to them at the moment by not giving them little bits of my food or any treats but getting Charlie dog back to good health is the important thing for now. So yeah, I don’t know whether to take them with me or just leave them here for a couple of hours then go for a nice walk when I get back. I think that might be the best thing to do, it also means Charlie won’t start jumping around with manic excitement.

Well, I guess I had better go and do some more of Charlie’s medicines. Then after I’ve been to the parents house for dinner I must get some studying done, I am still sitting about a full week behind and if I have not completely caught up by this time next week then I have no chance of passing this module as we start getting assessments then and know I wouldn’t be able to pass them. I only have one appointment this week but that’s not til Thursday so I should be able to get a good bit of studying done if I can just find my concentration again. I’m hoping that lovely social worker might get in touch and offer me an appointment sometime next week as even though crappy CPN has now left I’d still like someone to be able to touch base with once a week or something. Anyways, enough rambling from me… I hope you’re all having a happy/contented/peaceful weekend.