Tag Archives: housing transfer application

18:25 – ‘Early warning signs’

17 Nov

Things really aren’t good at the moment. I remain behind with my uni work, completely unable to focus on it or concentrate. As soon as I open a textbook page to start reading my head starts thinking about everything else that I’ve messed up. The diet that started off so well, the start of the weight loss and then gaining it all back again. Not going to the gym for a couple of weeks now. Missed my first two appointments with new CPN, she left me a voicemail after missing her again yesterday asking me to phone her before she sends out another appointment but I just can’t see the point.

I feel very low. Very depressed and very unable to do anything. My days consist of nothing. Well nothing apart from my racing thoughts and the thoughts are so fast and strong that I just can’t do any one single thing. Those hopes and goals I had that by Christmas I would be a dress size smaller and would have completed my first module exam and they both seem like they are impossible to achieve now. I have three weeks to write a long detailed essay and complete module #1. Then Christmas break and then two more modules between January and June. Then Summer break then back to it all in August/September time.

To get an honours degree you need to complete 6 modules for each year, so 24 modules in total and a dissertation and that would take you 4 years to achieve. I’m doing it part time, 3 modules a year so it’s going to take me 8 years to achieve. By the end of my first year I’m only really six months in, will still have 21 modules and seven years to go. It’s such a long time. I don’t know that I have the belief in myself that I can do this. Only 11 weeks in and already so behind with everything. We are just starting week 11’s work tomorrow and I’m only on week 9. I just can’t seem to do it, do anything in fact at the moment.

I don’t know why I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself when I should be opening one of my textbooks and reading and taking notes. I should be blasting my way as fast as possible through week 9 and 10’s work and getting myself up to date. If I get any further behind I’m not sure if it will actually be possible to catch up. And I have had all week, every day as full days to be doing this work, I have no one to blame but myself. I haven’t even been attending appointments so it’s not like I’ve been in and out with having to go to them. I have seen my best friend once in the past couple of weeks and it was for no time at all. I don’t think I’ve seen my parents since my birthday at the end of October so I said I would go there for dinner tomorrow.

Everything just feels like it’s slipping away and I can’t catch it. I need to get back on course for uni work, I must not fail this exam, if I do then that is going to knock my last tiniest bit of confidence that I have left in myself… cannot let that happen… Best friend commented how proud she was of me for not being admitted to hospital yet this year as it usually starts around my birthday when everything goes downhill then finally starts to perk back up around March/April time. And it is all going downhill but I will not be hospitalised this year, I’m just going to have to deal with it all… I don’t know how yet but there must be a way…

Now the sensible thing to do would be to say to myself that I am going to do an hour or two of studying tonight and then the same tomorrow afternoon but I just know it won’t happen. Last night I just lay for hours staring at the ceiling, not even watching TV or listening to music… just lying here and staring. That’s all I seem to do.

I’m still no further forward with my housing transfer request either, I submitted a new form with more detailed answers a few weeks ago and heard back from them saying I still had the same low amount of points so that was quite disheartening… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to escape this flat, this sofa sleeping situation, the cold sheets of mdf that currently act as flooring.

I’m back to that place again where I want to give up. This same place I always arrive at over these “risky months” where I just can’t see the light or the future in anything and start to get sucked right into the crazy world, the fucked up thoughts, the bad behaviours and reaching that breaking point yet again. Can I stop this from happening? I guess that remains to be seen. I still haven’t self harmed, I’m still resisting the urge, but this now scares me as I have held it in for that long that I know if the time comes where I do it – and do it with my head being in a crazy place – then the result is going to be a bad injury.

I’m sorry, I’m rambling and full of some sort of self pity, feeling sorry for myself, I need to get a fucking grip and turn things back around to the way they were at least semi productive (even if not particularly happy) a couple of months ago.

In my crisis plan which I revised for new CPN a couple of weeks ago (but haven’t gone to see her since) – in my “warning signs” section it says –

  • anxiety, panicking and worrying about things
  • lose interest in the future/have bad thoughts about the future
  • lose concentration, focus and motivation
  • not able to sleep properly
  • feeling very irritable
  • self isolating/don’t want to see anyone
  • ignore phone calls/texts
  • everything feels very negative
  • don’t attend appointments
  • self harm, suicidal thoughts and racing thoughts occur

Looks like I could put a tick next to every single one of them right now.

What do I need to do differently if I encounter these situations?

  • contact someone and share how I’m feeling rather than trying to cope alone and self isolating
  • try to speak to someone before acting upon thoughts that lead to self harming or other dangerous behaviours
  • try to do something that makes me happy and contented – try to calm down and diffuse the situation in my head

I don’t think I will see anyone tonight but perhaps I could make a call and get some things off my chest. I don’t know I guess I’ll see how tonight goes. I know I will probably not be honest with my parents tomorrow over dinner, I’ll probably admit to being a little bit behind with stuff and admit to that stressing me out but I doubt I will tell them the full truth about being two weeks behind, not attending my appointments, not going to the gym, not going out the house apart from when it’s dark in the late afternoon, evening, during the night, early in the morning. But then they will probably find out about not attending appointments when they ask how I’m getting on with new CPN and I either need to lie and say fine, or tell the truth that I’ve only seen her once then missed the second and third appointment.

And when one truth comes out then a second one is usually close behind until I realise I’m back there again… Or should that be back ‘here’ again…





22:15 – Meeting advocacy & other ramblings

2 Oct

I guess you could call today another reasonably productive day. I went to see my social worker and she came with me to my first meeting with advocacy. I explained my situation about the housing transfer application and how I feel like I’m going to be waiting forever to be moved somewhere I can be happy living in. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted from them but we had a chat about things and they said they would write a letter or email on my behalf and try to make the housing association re-read my file, and ask them for a realistic timescale in which I will be re-housed. I know it’s going to end up taking about a year though. I even went into the housing association afterwards and expanded my areas in which I’m willing to be re-housed to, hopefully with more areas then I have more chance of a quicker move.

So it was good to meet the woman who co-ordinates things and the woman who is a volunteer who is going to contact the housing association for me. She said she should hopefully be able to get back to me by the end of the week with some more information.

It was also nice to see and spend some time with my social worker. I know these are going to be the last few times I see her over the next little while and I’m happy that if things have to come to an end that they will do so on a happier note. I still have my moments of wishing things were how they were a couple of years back but I guess time moves on, lives change, situations change and one day I will have to be big enough and strong enough to stand on my own two feet, one day with no professional involvement at all if I manage to establish some form of recovery.

I keep trying to think that recovery, or walking the path of recovery is where I’m at just now, but this is mainly because CPN tells me that. Sometimes I don’t really feel it, I mean lets face it things haven’t exactly been great lately with one pretty severe self harm wound and a second not quite so severe but still requiring medical help. My moods have been very emotional, I have cried a crazy amount over the past few weeks. Sometimes I’m sure I can hear a voice again swirling around in my head telling me I’m not good enough, that I won’t be able to complete my Uni course, that I’m kidding myself that I’m going to complete a degree and have a good career one day, telling me I’m always going to fail, whispering to me that it’s all pointless and my life equally as pointless and I don’t know if it’s all my own thoughts and my own voice I hear repeatedly chanting away to me or if it’s something external… but something external or maybe it’s internal… any type of ‘voice’ is not something I’m willing to consider right now.

In conversation with my social worker today I mentioned that this is always the time of year I seem to start feeling rather unwell. October through to February/March time are like my danger months. And no, I don’t think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder to add to my list of quirks, it’s just the amount of child related things that happen over those months that is what really gets me down.

It’s my birthday at the end of the month, the 28th of October, and it’s not a day I look forward to any more. This year I will be 31 and still single and sleeping on a sofa in a flat I hate, a flat that I just feel so unhappy in. And then a few days later comes Halloween and I have to do the pretend smiling stuff as I help best friend get the kids ready and take them out trick or treating. Then it’s Christmas and like last year, best friend wants me to stay overnight on Christmas Eve at hers so I wake up with her and the kids and watch them open their presents. And somewhere deep within I need to bury all the hurt it makes me feel. Then we get into the new year and the run up to my little one’s anniversary begins and that takes me up to February, then I always have a couple of weeks of feeling really low after the anniversary because it brings back all the memories and also means spending a short period of time acting as civil as I can towards my ex-fiancé.

So yeah… a bit wary of how things are going to be over the next few months.

Changing the topic (because I’m starting to feel sad) my Atkins online planner informed me that I wasn’t eating enough “leafy green vegetables” today. I eat a full bag of iceberg lettuce every day but apparently that’s not enough. So I walked over to the supermarket and picked up a brocolli, a leafy green cabbage, and some green beans. Came home and boiled the lot up in a pot with some sugar and salt free vegetable stock then blasted it with the blender. And poured a lovely big cup of it to have with my dinner. It was properly disgusting, bland, tasteless, every mouthful made me feel sick and I like all of the ingredients but just not blended together in some strange green soup. So I let it cool down, put it in the fridge and tried it as a ‘smoothie’ – it was equally as disgusting but I forced it down.

I have enough for another big glass tomorrow and Thursday. Lucky me eh!

Well it’s that time of night again… 10pm and time to take medication, walk the dogs, and try and wind down with all the lights off. In other words lie awake in the dark for hours, being restless and getting up to have a cigarette, getting water, going to the toilet, flicking the TV on and off, trying to sleep again, watching the clock tick through hour after hour, staying offline because I know it will only keep me from sleeping even longer. Finally somewhere around 4/5am falling asleep out of exhaustion and waking up again when the postman comes at 8.30am and the dogs start barking like mad.

Tomorrow’s plans… pick up weekly prescription, go to a&e for “final” wound check (it better be the final one this time, I’m sure they are as sick of seeing me as I am going there and having my wounds on display for examination). Then at 2pm I am going to have my tattoo shaded and a couple of little lines fixed before the colouring begins. I was going pretty much every few days/every week for a while but it was draining me financially so it’s kinda been put on hold for a while but I’m going to try and get it all finished over the next month or two. I think it should only take maybe 2 x 2 hour sittings to get it all coloured, she said colouring it shouldn’t take as long as all the outlining and shading. I’m sort of glad I’m getting it done tomorrow because I’ve been experiencing a lot of self harm thoughts this evening, completely out of the blue, and I actually get some strange perverse pleasure out of being tattooed, I get the pain without the scars. The pain becomes a creation. It’s a good pain. I know I could grab handfuls of ice cubes (if I had any in my freezer) and get pain without scars but it just doesn’t work for me. Nothing works for me but the real thing. It’s all or nothing with me…

So yeah, tomorrow should be another fairly busy day. Thursday I think will be a quieter one where I focus on some Uni work. Friday I have a session with the other/new social worker which I can’t say I’m looking forward to because I really don’t see what the point is in me seeing yet another new person for a whole 3/4 weeks to then be introduced and start working with yet another new person albeit one who is actually permanent. But current CPN thinks I need someone to talk to each week because of all the self harming and deep down I know she’s right, I know I would panic a little if I was left completely on my own for a month but opening up to new people is always hard. Then later in the afternoon on Friday I have an appointment with rape crisis woman as today’s appointment was cancelled.

Right I think I have rambled on enough for now… time to face the rain and walk these dogs.

Night folks.

22:04 – Phew! Today is almost over!

1 Oct

Well the interview went well, the woman was very lovely and easy to talk to. I spoke about my Bipolar and how I’m trying to overcome the Agoraphobia; how it is getting slightly easier to travel around our county but going to cities etc still isn’t something I’ve managed to conquer. I decided there was no point in hiding that from her as the last thing I’d want to happen is to be matched with a child and then be asked to take them somewhere that I can’t go to. But she was totally fine with it all and said I spoke passionately about becoming a volunteer  and my aims for when I complete my Uni course. She also said that she got the impression from talking to me that if I felt my mental health was heading towards a bad place she was quite reassured that I would tell her so other arrangements could be put in place for any child I was working with; she said as I’m open and honest about my conditions she has no reason to think I wouldn’t express any concerns I had about my own mental health should it ever be an issue, so that was good.

We spent a good hour and a half together before she went off to meet a befriender who lives locally to have a catch up; if I’m approved I will be the 3rd child befriender covering our part of the county. We talked about some example situations of the types of situations children referred to the befrienders service may be living in. I had a good idea of what they might be, for example young carers who need some time to be a kid, children trapped in a drug and/or alcohol addicted household who need some time out away from it all, households where there is domestic violence, or maybe just a case of a child having a sibling with an illness which means the parents have to devote most of their attention to that child so it gives the sibling a chance to have some time devoted to them as well.

So the next step is to wait on her receiving my two references and once she has received them she will put in the application for my PVG/Enhanced Disclosure Certificate. That is basically a certificate to show I have no criminal convictions (which I don’t) and it checks your background to show you are a safe person to work with children or vulnerable people. I have already phoned them to ask if the fact I have been detained under the mental health act will show up and they said they do not check your medical history. However there is one thing I’m slightly worried about and that is that I attended a Vulnerable Adult meeting at the police station after some events happened a couple of years ago and basically anything that they find out about you that is non-criminal they then make the decision on whether or not that information should be passed on to the potential employer/voluntary organisation.

I’m sure it will all be fine, I have never been in any kind of trouble so I’m not too worried. My only involvements with the police have been the Vulnerable Adult Protection meeting and going with the woman from rape crisis a couple of months ago to discuss reporting the sexual assault.

Once they receive my Disclosure Certificate then I can start training and then wait to be matched with a child. She said the full process shouldn’t take more than a couple of months, so I might get started with them by the end of the year.

What else has happened today?… I got my medication sorted out and I got a second copy of my gym application form and handed it in. This evening I have just sat and watched the soaps on TV. I’m just about to take the dogs out for their bed time walk and it is pouringgg with rain…ugh. I hope to get some proper sleep tonight as I am meeting my social worker tomorrow and going to meet the co-ordinator and the volunteer from advocacy who are going to assist with my housing application. I did have an appointment after that to see the woman from rape crisis but she text me this evening asking if we could swap to Friday afternoon.

I am relieved the interview is over with and went well, I’m glad I have now been able to put a face to the lovely woman I’ve spoken to on the phone a few times over the past month and feel much more comfortable with her now. I will be even more relieved when I meet the advocacy girls tomorrow and see what suggestions they come up with for helping push my housing application a bit further.

For now though it is dog walking time (in the rain) then medication time and with any luck a few hours sleep later on.

Glad today is over with – but in a good way!

13:36 – Ramblings of the past few days

12 May

I mentioned in my last post that I was selling my current phone as I needed the cash and had bought a much cheaper one. I ordered the new phone on Monday and it had a “delivered within 3 days” guarantee.

So when it still hadn’t arrived yesterday (Friday) I was starting to get a bit pissed off. I went onto the couriers website and typed in my tracking number – to my surprise it came up saying it had been delivered at 08:37 that morning. It gave the name that had signed for it. It was a name I had never heard of before and to my knowledge didn’t belong to any of my neighbours. So I started getting really angry, it was about 11am and some stranger had my new phone and I started panicking I wouldn’t be able to locate it and would lose the £100 I had spent on it etc etc.

I decided to phone the courier company and ask what was going on, that’s when the big search began. They also could see it was marked as being delivered at 08:37 but they had an additional note at their end saying the parcel was picked back up at 09:25 and that a note had been put through my door as I hadn’t answered the door to the delivery driver. This was absolute nonsense, there was no note through the door and I had (annoyingly) been awake since 7.45am. My little dogs bark like mad when anyone comes near the door so there was no way I could have missed the courier. Now where I live is a rural area so by the time I had phoned the courier company and they had phoned the driver it was approaching noon and he was already in a little town about 70 miles away. I was told he couldn’t come back until Monday. I got extremely pissed off at this news and I insisted to speak to a manager. They got a manager to come and speak to me. I told him that his driver was a liar and incompetent, that he had failed to deliver within 3 days, that he had not left any card through the door to say he had attempted delivery, and the bottom line was that I was not waiting until Monday. He put me on hold for ages but finally came back with good news – he would send another driver to go and get my parcel and ensure it was delivered by late afternoon. At 5.05pm it finally appeared.

The problem is that I needed the phone to come on Thursday so that I could send my other phone to the recycle place and get the money for it in my account by Friday as I did not have a penny to my name. Thankfully I managed to loan a little from a friend until the money goes in my account (hopefully it will go in on Monday if I post the phone special delivery today). Then I need to use the money to pay a few things and people back. The new phone is pretty shit in comparison to the one I am selling, it feels so weird being back to a kinda basic model of phone. Well it is an Android and was supposed to be £170 but Amazon had it for £100 hence why I bought it, so it’s not totally crap, I think I can live with it until I’m due an upgrade at the end of the year.

As the title of this post says… ramblings of the past few days… writing nothing of any interest just babbling on.

I got a letter from the housing association today saying they were processing my application but in order to process it I had to explain why I’d ticked the box saying “access to my property is dangerous or awkward“. Well I didn’t tick it, my social worker did as she filled it out. For some reason letters and stuff make me panic sometimes, and I can’t just sit and think it will all get sorted in a few days.. instead it has to get sorted now so that I don’t sit and think and think and drive myself mad thinking about it. So I managed to get a message to someone in my care team about it and they are going to take care of it for me and write back to the housing association explaining why access is “awkward” for me.

Breathe. Relax. It will get sorted and be OK. Stop over analysing everything brain.

I picked up my second supporting letter for my housing application that my CPN had written and handed it in yesterday. As my application had already began to be assessed the woman in the office said she couldn’t find it there and then and would have to find out who was assessing it but she promised the second letter would be added in. So as well as an answer about why access to my property is awkward they should also receive the second supporting letter. I hope it all gets sorted soon, I hope that by the end of this coming week I’ll have a letter back telling me how many points I have been awarded and can take things from there.

And that’s my ramblings of the past few days. I have nothing at all planned for the weekend apart from watching the Britain’s Got Talent Final tonight. Exciting stuff, eh?!

[I can’t believe I have just written almost 900 words of shite]

OK so I was about to end my post there on a rather uninteresting but end of ramblings note. But my attention just got diverted to something people were talking about on my personal facebook. I don’t know how many of you have seen it (and trust me you don’t want to) but there is a video on YouTube of a Malaysian woman beating and battering her 8 MONTH OLD BABY. It is extremely graphic and really distressing. My blood is boiling and I have tears welled up for that poor little helpless child. Apparently she has only been jailed for 2 years… 20 years wouldn’t be long enough for what I have just witnessed. I think it might be one of the most heartbreaking evil things I have ever seen. If you do want to see it it’s here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxvIPuhPlU0 (You need to login and verify you are over 18 to watch it and I cannot express enough caution – this will really disturb even some of the most fucked up people on this planet) I keep replaying it in my head. I am crying because I know I would never have hurt my baby. I’m crying for both babies, mine and this precious little child. And how the hell could people stand in the background and film it – why did no one at all try and help that baby or stop her from attacking it? She hits, slaps, pinches, punches, throws, completely abuses this helpless baby. ARGH, no wonder I want to turn my back on this world so fucking often with cruel evil sick c**ts like that in this place, fucking everyone up from the tiny babies to grown adults. I know I’m rambling again. ARGH. An hour ago when I started writing this everything was OK-ish now I am filled with intense emotions.

I am calling on Lucifer to help me. He will make things right again.

21:31 – Housing forms away and a trip to a&e that wasn’t for me for once

8 May

I had a fairly quiet weekend, I still haven’t been up to my parents house to give my dad his birthday present and it was his birthday on the 1st of May 😦 I feel really bad about it, I keep promising I’ll go up and then I don’t. In fact the only movement I did from Friday to Monday was taking my best friend’s three year old to A&E yesterday, it turns out he has a kidney infection bless him. He kept saying he was cold and his back and tummy hurt then the doctor found a trace of blood in his urine sample so he is on antibiotics now, hopefully he will be feeling better and back to his mischievous little self soon. I sat in the waiting room with her one year old on my knee and the nurse who was on duty has patched me up a number of times, she kept smiling at me as I was playing with the little one and commented that ‘he suited me’ and how I ‘looked happy’. I am happy around the kids, they are so innocent, so stressful, but so loving.

Today I realised I had double booked myself for both my social worker and addictions nurse at 3pm. I tried to see the addictions nurse a bit earlier but she was fully booked so I swapped it to Thursday and went to see my social worker so I could pick up the supporting letter for my housing transfer application. So I went and collected that, we went back through all the forms and then I took it to the housing department.

The woman there explained to me that for every 4 houses that become available one will go to the homeless department for the council to use, one will go to some other part of the homeless, one will go to a new applicant and one will go on the transfer list. So now they will review my forms and write back to me in the next couple of weeks with how many points I’ve been awarded. For now it’s a case of hoping I’m awarded enough points that I will be placed somewhere near the top of the list so I’m not waiting for years and years. So basically one in every four houses that become available go to the next person at the top of the transfer list. I don’t think houses become available that often and I have selected 1-2 bed house only so I think I will be waiting quite some time even if I am lucky enough to be awarded a decent amount of points.

I have my first session with the new CPN on my own tomorrow. I have still only met her the once before when my social worker sat in with us, then she was on holiday for a week or something so that’s us just meeting again tomorrow. I’m a bit apprehensive about whether or not I’ll get on with her, but the support worker is going to meet me at 12:40 outside my flat and we’ll walk along to the CMHT like the last time.

I also decided to sell my phone the other day. It’s a really good phone I’ve got, a Samsung Galaxy SII and they cost about £450 to buy on payg. But there is something wrong with the battery, it’s not holding a charge properly despite me deleting a shit load of applications. I figure it’s only going to get worse and when I was packing everything up for the workmen coming in a couple of months ago I remember throwing the box out – along with the warranty. So I decided to sell it through one of the recycle websites for £215 and I bought myself another phone for £100 leaving me £100 to pay back to my parents. I am due an upgrade in about six months anyway so I’m quite happy to downgrade for a while! This way I get rid of my phone whilst it’s still mostly working and can pay my parents back and get a new phone so it seemed the best solution.

Other than that not much else has been going on, I am still just existing in the living room of my flat, sleeping here, awake here, always in the same room. My bedroom remains full of boxes unpacked. I only ever go in my bedroom to dry my hair and get clothes – then I shut the door on it again.

I still need to go and see my GP as well. I’m going to try my best to get something sorted tomorrow. I need my Quetiapine increasing again and my GP doesn’t work on a Thursday so it’s got to be tomorrow or Friday, then we’re back to the weekend again. I don’t mind increasing the dose so long as it doesn’t take Lucifer away, I told the psychiatrist this last week, I like Lucifer and I don’t  want to lose him.

There was one other thing I was going to mention but I don’t know what to make of it yet so I’ll just sit quiet for now and if it’s still worth mentioning in a few days then I guess I’ll write about it!