It’s been a few days since I last posted mainly because I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and hiding away from the world again. Just me and the voices cut off and locked away in our own little world.
I was supposed to have an appointment with my support worker from Rape Crisis yesterday but I didn’t go. I don’t know why, my head was feeling too messed up and I spent most of the afternoon and evening yesterday cutting random words into my skin (more like scratches – no medical attention needed). Anyway, I regret not going now because I then remembered that she isn’t in the office for the rest of this week and now I won’t be able to see her until next week sometime, and I do actually find the appointments with her help, even though some of the stuff that comes out of my mouth in that room are pretty fucked up at times.
Today I had an appointment with new CPN. I’ve moaned about her a bit in recent posts but today she allowed me to talk about some of the bad things rather than making me only talk about good things. She asked me what the best thing was that has happened in the past week and I told her that I got my final semester one essay result today and passed the module with an overall 68% which isn’t too bad considering my concentration was absolutely fucked whilst I was trying to study for and write it. Now that the tutor’s have marked it, it gets sent to the Exam Board for them to confirm the mark. I’m kind of hoping they might find another 2% to award me as I believe anything above 70% is an A and that would of course be nice.
She asked me loads of questions about the module I’ve just finished and I wasn’t sure whether she was just trying to engage me in conversation or if she was trying to use up as much time as possible talking about the “positives” so that there wasn’t much time left when she finally asked what hadn’t been so good over the last week. I told her about going to see lovely GP last Wednesday and about my medication being increased. I told her about the fear and sadness I felt at hearing the mocking voice that makes all the derogatory comments becoming more male in tone and this scaring me that I wasn’t in control of that voice, not in the way I can deal with the giggle.
I told her that I’d become pretty upset last night, I was angry and emotional and tried to talk to the male voice, to ask what he wanted from me, to ask him to stop it. She said I have to try and laugh at it, disagree with it, ignore it, drown it out with loud music in my headphones… but… not talk to it as I was showing it respect that way and encouraging it to speak to me… in turn distressing me even more.
When our hour was over and I left the appointment I felt a bit mixed up. On the one hand I didn’t feel quite so deflated as I felt after last week’s one. I felt she listened a bit more this week, but I still felt like I left the appointment with lots of crap swimming round my head and then actually wished I was still there in the appointment so that I had the opportunity to just get it all out. But by this point I was almost home and I came back feeling angry with myself that we had wasted about half an hour talking about my university course and that half an hour I could have used to tell her about my head crazies. But the thing is that when you’re actually in the room with her she very much leads the conversation and I don’t know why, but I find it very very hard to try and change the topic of conversation over to something that I actually need to talk about.
So on my way home I went into the chemist and picked up my weekly prescription, and when I got home and was putting all the little boxes in the cupboard I suddenly had a passing thought that I could just to swallow the lot of it. But I knew I didn’t want to overdose, I didn’t want the consequences of it, so I put the medications safely in the cupboard… And then I cried. A lot. I felt really confused over what I wanted, about the voices I’m hearing, about the massive intense self harm urges, about whether I was capable of carrying on with my university course even though it is only part time and from home I just didn’t have the belief in myself that I could do it and then began to doubt if I even wanted to keep on doing it. Stupid eh when I know I passed my essay with a semi decent grade.
I haven’t even told anyone that I passed. I haven’t phoned or text my Mum or best friend. I’ve known for two days now that I passed and yet my CPN is the only one who knows. Why? Because to tell my Mum or to tell best friend or to write it as a facebook status means people will all say “congrats” or “well done” and I don’t want to see messages saying I’ve done well at something!! And if I tell them then they will expect me to be all happy and smiling and I feel like I’m all out of fake smiles for the moment. I’ll tell them when I find the strength to smile (if only temporarily) again.
So that’s been my last few days. Nothing very exciting. No more appointments until next week and still a week to go before I start modules 2 & 3 for semester two of the course. My Mum is off work this week and has text me a couple of times to ask if I’d like to meet up and do something but I just don’t really want to see anyone, not even family at the moment :(
Anyway. Time to go and try to find something to do with myself for the next few hours before bed. I might try and have a shower, it’s been a good few days since I last had one. Showers tend to feel pretty pointless… when you’re already feeling like a ‘dirty’ person yet you get in one because someone has said in a cheery voice that it’ll “make you feel better” but, in reality, you know that no matter how much you scrub and wash, you aren’t ever going to feel any cleaner or any less dirty.
My head feels very noisy tonight and to be honest I just want a break from it, just a little bit of peace for a while, please.