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13:06 – A bit of bad… and a bit of good…

6 Oct

The text messages carried on last night but I ignored every single one of them and didn’t reply once. So that was pretty much all day Friday and most of Saturday night consumed with frustration and wanting to scream FUCK OFF to the pair of idiots that kept sending me all those messages. Despite not replying or acknowledging the texts last night, they still made me feel crap though. Really crap in fact. Although, I have now worked out that I can add numbers to a “spam” list on my phone and then block them completely which is a good start; the problem, like I said on my post last night, is where I live. It’s a very small town where everyone knows everyone and you just cannot manage to avoid people for very long. I’m scared that by ignoring their texts they might not just think it’s pointless texting me and give up… I’m scared they (or at least one of them) appears at my door. I don’t want trouble. I haven’t done anything to deserve any trouble. But it doesn’t take much for me to go into freak-out-self-hibernation mode and this is very much pushing me in that direction.

What I don’t understand is why the guy couldn’t have just deleted his text thread from me off his phone. I specifically asked him to. It literally takes five seconds to hold down a button, select all messages, and hit delete. That way had his girlfriend gone reading through his phone there would have been no messages from me and I could have avoided being part of their ridiculous nonsense. But for whatever reason he didn’t delete them and I know he didn’t because she quoted back to me so many things I’d said in my messages.

What I also don’t understand is why he let her get access to his phone for a second time. He was the one that kept texting me and telling me to ignore everything she said, encouraging me to engage in conversation with him, asking/begging/pleading for me to “give him something to help him” despite me saying I HAVE NOTHING.

I asked his girlfriend to please personally delete my number from his phone and all his texts to me as well so that he couldn’t contact me. After a load of threats she seemed to calm down when I asked that and replied saying she would delete everything she could find. So on Friday night I wrote my post on here about the whole saga and heard nothing more. Then last night I was just about to take the dogs for their bedtime walk when my phone beeped again. It was from him not her and all it said was “what has that bitch L (his gf) being saying about me?”

Again, I didn’t reply and completely ignored it.

But what really annoys me is the fact I have asked/told them both separately to delete my number from his phone, to delete my text thread… texts these days aren’t the way they were in older phones where you have to go into each one individually… they all merge together like one long chat… so all you need to do is highlight that thread and delete it. His gf wants someone to blame, I have worked that much out, and she probably knows deep down he is still using heroin but to blame it on something like Diazepam probably makes it easier in her head to deal with. But I have had times several years ago where I’ve taken upwards of 100mg of Diazepam at one time and not been in the kind of state she describes him as being in. I’d simply pass out and sleep a good 12 hours taking that much!

I want an end to all of this. I want to not have to be scared to walk out my front door or go to the shops. My agoraphobia already causes me enough panic doing those things without having this added anxiety on top. So there is a part of me that actually wants to phone his gf and ask if we can meet and talk calmly and explain everything to her in a rational manner. But she seems very hot-headed and I have a feeling she’d go running back to him telling him everything I’d told her then that would kick off another argument between me and him. And I would be more worried about that, because, when he is “off his face” on whatever substance he is extremely unpredictable.

So I think I have come to the conclusion that I’m going to block both their numbers from my phone for now and hope that calms things down. If she can see he is still “out his face” but there is no link to me then maybe she’ll start using her brain and realise he is getting stuff from someone else or maybe even make the realisation he is using heroin again. All I know is that I can’t be doing with other peoples problems and whatever problem those two are having in their relationship has sweet fuck all to do with me. In a way I hope I do bump into them in the street sooner rather than later and just have it out with them. I just want it all gone… why the hell have I been dragged into all this crap??

The thought of going to the police and reporting the threatening messages has also crossed my mind. But if they got his and her phones they would see I admitted to giving him a very small quantity of very low dose Diazepam about six months ago. This could cause problems if lovely GP found out but I could also explain the truth that I was pressurised into it. I’m sure they would be far more concerned with him ‘earning’ his money to fund his heroin habit by supplying half the town with cocaine and ecstasy every weekend than me giving someone one strip of low dose prescribed medication many months ago.

But for now I’m going to just wait and see what happens next. If I see them and they don’t approach me then all is good… If I see her and she approaches me I’ll just be honest with her… If I see him on his own and he approaches me I will massively have it out with him about what the fuck he thinks he is playing at allowing her to send me all the abuse that she has done.

So hopefully this will be the last post on that matter and all will settle down and be forgotten about. I lay in bed last night thinking why… why after 22 months does this guy even still have my number? The very first thing I did when I opened my eyes this morning was check my phone to see if there was any further communication from either of them but there wasn’t. I know what my options are if it continues but I’m just going to keep my fingers crossed that now that she has had her outburst that might be the end of it all!

So I did wake up in a bit of a super grumpy mood wanting to do all sorts of nasties to myself but do you know what?? Not only did I not act upon them… I also phoned a friend who is a hairdresser (she works from home) and asked if she could fit me in for a trim and some highlights over the next few days so I’m going tomorrow afternoon and going to actually do something NICE for myself for once! Pictures to follow… promise!

And whilst I’m on the topic of “good/nice things” yesterday I challenged my agoraphobia. I admit it took a LOT of anti-anxiety medication to get me there and I was constantly re-dosing every couple of hours but I MADE IT! Went to another small town but with quite a lot more shops and got three new jumpers/hoodies now that the cold winter is coming in (they were in the sale!) and I also made a spontaneous decision to have my nose pierced! I think it was partly all the meds floating around in my system and partly because this was the same place I got my bottom right-hand-side lip pierced at the beginning of summer… but yeah… I just seemed to walk right in with no hesitation and say “can you pierce my nose but with one of the really tiny diamonds please?” and before I knew it I was in the chair having it done!

The piercings I currently have are: bottom lip (right hand side)… tongue… ears and now nose. In the past I have also had my belly button (took it out when I fell pregnant) and also my bottom lip but in the centre. I’ve also had my nose done manyyy years ago when they still used the piercing gun but I took it out after a day cos it hurt so much! I have to admit though, this nose piercing yesterday (done properly with the needle) was the sorest piercing I’ve had yet! Plus I have four smaller tattoos and a full back tattoo so needles don’t really bother me! But yeah, the nose piercing was ouchy and made my eyes water loads! But I like it, I’m happy with it, so that’s all that matters. I try and keep my tattoos and piercings as discreet and small as possible, I think they look better that way but I guess that’s personal choice!

So dare I say it… besides all of the shit with the texts and calls and threats from the idiot addict and his partner, I’ve managed not to react angrily or aggressively or by self harming or any of that stuff. Instead I’ve blogged and moaned about them, got it out of my system, and decided to do something nice for myself to make me feel a bit better. I’ve challenged my agoraphobia, I’ve treated myself to three cheap but nice tops, I’ve had my nose pierced with a tiny diamond and I have a hair cut and colour tomorrow afternoon.

And for once, I’m going to leave it there and end on a positive note! Oh wouldn’t CPN#2 be proud of me for being a little bit ‘compassionate‘ towards myself!

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17:29 – Letter sent to new psychiatrist and my week’s worth of rambles

22 Jun

So a few days have now passed since finding out I have the all clear, although it’s been weird, even after getting the results back on Tuesday the anxiety surrounding it all still took another day or two to settle down.

On Wednesday I spent a few hours with best friend and the kids and then got my hair cut and highlighted. It was getting really long again, a good six inches or so below my shoulders. Now it’s in a kinda choppy medium length bob, just sitting at my shoulders and the blond highlights all the way through are really nice. It’s strange though, best friend was like ‘look now you can tell CPN#2 when you next see her that you did something compassionate for yourself’… whereas in my head there was nothing compassionate about it… I wasn’t sitting there thinking ‘ohh I deserve this’ or ‘ohh my hair looks really nice’… all I could think was ‘my hair looks a mess, it’s far too long, I can’t be arsed to spend an hour or more straightening it, it’s time to get some chopped off’. The only reason I got the highlights was because there was a special offer on and whilst they look nice I still have that negative sort of view that the money could have been better spent on something else.

Anyways… moving along…

On Thursday I went to my appointment with my rape crisis support worker and we spent the session putting together a letter to send to new psychiatrist. I had my first appointment with the new psychiatrist on the 5th of June and as you may remember it was a disaster. I thought about writing a letter to him pretty much as soon as the appointment was over but decided to give it a week or so just in case I was overreacting and thought I would maybe calm down about it all. But whilst I have calmed down, I still strongly felt like there were things that needed to be said to him before I next see him on August 1st.

I’m not going to copy and paste the full letter here mainly because of the length of it but also because it contains a lot of personal/confidential information but I’ll cut and paste the main points I raised:

  • As soon as I entered the appointment the first thing you did was check you had the correct medication information for me. As soon as I confirmed it was correct you automatically said that you want me to begin reducing my Diazepam (which I have been taking daily since Nov 2010) with your reasoning being that it can be an addictive medication.
  • You did not ask me how I would feel about reducing my dosage, there was no conversation about it nor did you ask me which of my symptoms that I feel the Diazepam helps with. You didn’t ask how my mood states had been recently, or if I was still self-harming, etc. In fact it seemed to me that you had already made the decision that changes should be made to my medication before I even entered the room and before meeting me.
  • You said to me that because I am on a high dose of Quetiapine that I wouldn’t notice not taking Diazepam. I don’t understand this because it is my understanding that the two medications are used to treat two completely different conditions. The Quetiapine helps control intrusive voices, paranoid thoughts and beliefs and delusional thinking. It does not help with anxiety. I am also concerned that you mentioned lowering my Quetiapine dosage slightly as well, when I have only very recently began to feel a little more stable. This concerns me as I worry if the Quetiapine is reduced as well then I may start to have symptoms of psychosis again or destabilising my mood to the extent where I end up back in hospital.
  • My main concern of all is, at the moment, I do not have any other coping techniques for my anxiety and agoraphobia and self-harming. I am currently on the waiting list to see the psychologist, however have not had an appointment to see her as yet. I hope that in time I will learn tools to enable me to cope with my anxiety, agoraphobic symptoms and distressing self-harm episodes, all in a way that does not require medications like Diazepam. I want to be able to deal with these situations in a healthier way, but the fact remains that right now I do not have any non-medicated coping strategies in place to help me cope with the debilitating levels of anxiety that I experience. It just seems that it would make a lot more sense to: wait until I begin seeing the psychologist; start learning and putting into practice non-medicated coping skills; and then start to lower the diazepam medication.
  • I would also like to make clear that I do not object to the idea of lowering the dosage of the Diazepam slowly and safely and I would also like to make clear that I fully understand it is a medication that is intended for short term use. However I feel that reducing it before there are any alternative coping strategies in place would be a very risky thing to do.

The letter ended up being three pages long but those are some of the concerns I raised. My support worker printed me off a few copies and I wrote at the end of the letter that copies had gone to my support worker, my CPN and my GP. Well, every time they send me a letter about something or another they send it to everyone in my care team so I figured I would do the same. All the letters have been posted now and I do have a little bit of anxiety about what the reaction to it will be but I know that I have the support of my support worker and she agrees that I’ve done the right thing so at least I know someone is on my side. I did also say at the end of the letter that it was not a letter of complaint against the psychiatrist, it was purely me wanting to have the opportunity to explain my concerns after feeling unable to do so properly at the appointment with him. I ended the letter saying that I would attend my next appointment on August 1st with him, but hoped he would have read my letter beforehand so we could talk about my concerns in more detail.

So that’s another thing done and dusted, well for the moment anyway. Hopefully they will see that I am trying to be sensible and rational and take my concerns into consideration. I need a repeat prescription on Wednesday and was just going to hand the repeat form into the receptionist but I’m now thinking it might be better to make an appointment and go to see lovely GP instead. I’m curious to know if she will support what I have said in my letter. She is usually very fair and I have a feeling she will say that maybe it is time for us to start lowering the dose of the Diazepam but I also think she will agree with me that there needs to be something in it’s place so that I can cope with situations that I can currently only cope with through medication. I guess the only way to know what she thinks about it all is to go and see her.

Anyways… I think I’ve rambled on enough now about all of that!

Yesterday I spent most of the day with a friend and I also got an email from my university tutor telling me I have to get up to date proof of being in receipt of benefits to apply for my course fees to be waived again when we start back after the Summer holidays so I’ll need to get that sorted out next week. I also finally phoned the mental health team to ask for an appointment with CPN#2 after a good 4 or 5 weeks of not seeing her (not her fault, mine for not attending and ignoring her phonecall and letter) but she isn’t back in the office until Monday so I guess she’ll get in touch then.

Today (Saturday) I’m having a quiet day as the weather is crap and my flat looks like a bomb site. My washing pile was getting ridiculously high as I pretty much spent all of last week in such an anxious mess that I got nothing done. I’m having a day where I just want to laze around in my pyjamas, do some little bits of housework here and there, work my way through my washing pile, watch shit on TV… a lazy day in other words.

Mood wise I feel OK-ish at the moment. Every so often I have some little thoughts that creep into my head out of the blue and start me thinking that I feel like I need to self harm, but I’m managing to ignore them for now. Although I have checked my hiding places a couple of times just to make sure that there are fresh packets of blades there… just in case… Then I catch myself looking at my legs and the horrendous scarring and feeling kinda sick that those scars are going to be there forever. And a part of me wants them gone, wishes I’d never done them, etc… Yet another part of me is like, ‘well you can’t erase any of those scars so you might as well add some more’. So not sure what’s going to come of these thoughts/urges yet, I guess time will tell.

Right I have rambled on for wayyy too long. And the washing machine has just finished another cycle so time to get off my fat ass and go hang it up to dry. I’m also starting to get hungry so time to cook up some pasta I think.

Hope you all have a nice weekend folks xx

 

Protected: 19:04 – Highland Games Hangover

28 Aug

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