Tag Archives: guilty

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24 Oct

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Weekend Freedom

9 Oct

I briefly mentioned to one of the nurses on Friday morning that it would be nice to go home for the weekend; I didn’t even think she was listening to me let alone away to ask the doc to see me. My psych’s registrar guy came and asked me lots of questions as is the norm for him and then said that providing he could speak to my mum on the phone first then I could go!

So he had a chat to her and things were all very quick from there as I had like an hour to get my meds sorted, pack a bag, eat some lunch and run for the bus. Got home Friday afternoon to discover my dad was in hospital. He had just been taken in as I was on my way home. He has a condition called cellulitis which makes a leg swell really bad and go bright red. It usually takes about 5 days of iv antibiotics to clear it.

So there’s my dad in hospital. He’s had heart attacks and cellulitis before in the past few years. He eats healthy, doesn’t smoke, barely drinks, is a healthy weight etc.

Mum is the same. Eats lots of fruit and veg, is slim and healthy. After almost 20 years with the same company she has just found out she is being made redundant next month.

Then there is me. I’m unhealthy, overweight, smoker, binge drinker etc and all I do is cause them stress. I try and die, I come here for an escape, a whole manner of reasons. Do I cause all of these problems? Have I created all of these stresses and brought illness and debt upon them?

I spent the weekend with a painted in happy face, actually deep on thought about my part in all of this. I did have a nice time seeing mum and my doggies and best friend but I do still feel very guilty.

That’s me back in the hospital after some freedom so I guess I wait and see what’s said at the review tomorrow and take things from there. I wish the voice speaking to me about everything being my fault would quieten down. It’s lowering my mood.

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