Tag Archives: falling behind on uni work

00:13 – Stressed. Stressed. Stressed.

13 Feb

Firstly a Charlie dog update. This morning he had his third operation in the past seven days and they managed to drain all the fluid and blood that had shown up on the ultrasound scan yesterday. He now has what looks like a plaster cast all the way round his stomach which looks quite strange but it’s holding everything nice and tight to help things heal better. He was in a funny mood today, he didn’t want to have a little walk around the car park, he pulled me back towards the vet’s front door. So I took him back in but he didn’t want to go back into his bed at all and refused to walk so the vet just carried him back through. Then she had a chat to me for five or ten minutes and the whole time all I could hear was this high pitched howling and crying – I’ve never heard Charlie do that before and it was pretty upsetting. I’m now questioning whether I should go in every day and see him – am I just upsetting him by going and then leaving again or would he be more upset if I didn’t go in at all for a couple of days? I don’t know.

So he is back to being “critical” but we are very much hoping this is third time lucky and the last operation he’s going to need but they have told me there is a chance these pockets of fluid could happen again. So the goal for the moment is to get him to rest as much as possible for the rest of the week and to make sure his temperature stays down and carry on with all of his medications. I so hope this is the last of all his problems and he can finally start to heal.

My head has been pretty pickled again today – well it calmed down slightly after I got the call mid afternoon to say Charlie’s operation was over – but in general I’ve been feeling pretty mixed up. As I’m getting so behind with my part time university course I decided to send the student support woman an email explaining that I was having a bit of an unstable period at the moment and finding it impossible to concentrate and absorb the course material. I asked if there was any way I could just do one module this semester as that would really help me to catch up and make the reduced workload more manageable. She sent me a reply to say she was going to speak with my personal academic tutor and see if they can work out a way I can just do one of the two modules this semester and re-take the other one at a later date. I really hope I will be able to do it that way but she said I’ll need to give them a few days to work out if it would be possible for me to do the course one module at a time. She was really nice about things in her email so I’m glad I let her know how much I’m struggling and didn’t leave it for another couple of weeks when I may have ended up too far behind for it to be possible to catch up.

I spent a few hours with my Mum again this afternoon, I just couldn’t handle sitting in the house. Even though I knew I have so much studying to do I was just driving myself mad sitting about. So I went to the parents house and stayed there until it was almost 5pm and time to go and visit Charlie.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my support worker at rape crisis and my Mum said she would take me supermarket shopping as my finances are in a real mess at the moment and I have hardly any food in the house. I don’t know what I’d do without my Mum sometimes, I’m so lucky to have someone who can help me out when I get stuck but at the same time I feel kind of bad that at the age of 31 I still need to ask for help from time to time.

Anyways… I’m not going to ramble on for too long tonight, I feel pretty tired and like it’s been another long stressful day. I wish I could just climb into bed and fall asleep quickly and remain asleep until my batteries have been completely recharged but that is truly impossible at the moment. I go to bed and lie there for a good couple of hours thinking, worrying, over-analysing everything. I eventually fall asleep stressed and exhausted and then a few hours later I’m awake again. Awake, stressed and still exhausted. More lying there awake until the darkness outside starts to disappear and the daylight takes it’s place. It almost feels like one continuous day with a few short naps here and there, I don’t feel like I’m getting any proper deep sleep at all. I took my last 10mg Nitrazepam last night but it didn’t do bugger all.

I just went to take my medication and realised I forgot to take my morning dose – I take 250mg Quetiapine and 4mg Diazepam in the morning then 4mg Diazepam at lunchtime another 4mg around 6pm and another 4mg at bedtime. Then at bedtime I also take 500mg Quetiapine and 30mg Mirtazapine. So as I forgot to take my morning meds I just took the whole 750mg Quetiapine all together so maybe it will help me get some sleep tonight. I doubt it, but you never know.

Right, on that note I’m going to watch some TV then take myself through to bed shortly. Can’t believe it’s midnight already, I swear all my days are just blending into one at the moment, it’s like a sense of Groundhog Day hanging over me. And I still have that pressure cooker feeling where I feel like I could explode at any time but I had a long chat to someone earlier and it did actually help. It left me feeling a bit calmer and more able to look at things in a more logical and less stressful way.

And on that slightly more positive note I shall say goodnight.

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18:25 – ‘Early warning signs’

17 Nov

Things really aren’t good at the moment. I remain behind with my uni work, completely unable to focus on it or concentrate. As soon as I open a textbook page to start reading my head starts thinking about everything else that I’ve messed up. The diet that started off so well, the start of the weight loss and then gaining it all back again. Not going to the gym for a couple of weeks now. Missed my first two appointments with new CPN, she left me a voicemail after missing her again yesterday asking me to phone her before she sends out another appointment but I just can’t see the point.

I feel very low. Very depressed and very unable to do anything. My days consist of nothing. Well nothing apart from my racing thoughts and the thoughts are so fast and strong that I just can’t do any one single thing. Those hopes and goals I had that by Christmas I would be a dress size smaller and would have completed my first module exam and they both seem like they are impossible to achieve now. I have three weeks to write a long detailed essay and complete module #1. Then Christmas break and then two more modules between January and June. Then Summer break then back to it all in August/September time.

To get an honours degree you need to complete 6 modules for each year, so 24 modules in total and a dissertation and that would take you 4 years to achieve. I’m doing it part time, 3 modules a year so it’s going to take me 8 years to achieve. By the end of my first year I’m only really six months in, will still have 21 modules and seven years to go. It’s such a long time. I don’t know that I have the belief in myself that I can do this. Only 11 weeks in and already so behind with everything. We are just starting week 11’s work tomorrow and I’m only on week 9. I just can’t seem to do it, do anything in fact at the moment.

I don’t know why I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself when I should be opening one of my textbooks and reading and taking notes. I should be blasting my way as fast as possible through week 9 and 10’s work and getting myself up to date. If I get any further behind I’m not sure if it will actually be possible to catch up. And I have had all week, every day as full days to be doing this work, I have no one to blame but myself. I haven’t even been attending appointments so it’s not like I’ve been in and out with having to go to them. I have seen my best friend once in the past couple of weeks and it was for no time at all. I don’t think I’ve seen my parents since my birthday at the end of October so I said I would go there for dinner tomorrow.

Everything just feels like it’s slipping away and I can’t catch it. I need to get back on course for uni work, I must not fail this exam, if I do then that is going to knock my last tiniest bit of confidence that I have left in myself… cannot let that happen… Best friend commented how proud she was of me for not being admitted to hospital yet this year as it usually starts around my birthday when everything goes downhill then finally starts to perk back up around March/April time. And it is all going downhill but I will not be hospitalised this year, I’m just going to have to deal with it all… I don’t know how yet but there must be a way…

Now the sensible thing to do would be to say to myself that I am going to do an hour or two of studying tonight and then the same tomorrow afternoon but I just know it won’t happen. Last night I just lay for hours staring at the ceiling, not even watching TV or listening to music… just lying here and staring. That’s all I seem to do.

I’m still no further forward with my housing transfer request either, I submitted a new form with more detailed answers a few weeks ago and heard back from them saying I still had the same low amount of points so that was quite disheartening… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to escape this flat, this sofa sleeping situation, the cold sheets of mdf that currently act as flooring.

I’m back to that place again where I want to give up. This same place I always arrive at over these “risky months” where I just can’t see the light or the future in anything and start to get sucked right into the crazy world, the fucked up thoughts, the bad behaviours and reaching that breaking point yet again. Can I stop this from happening? I guess that remains to be seen. I still haven’t self harmed, I’m still resisting the urge, but this now scares me as I have held it in for that long that I know if the time comes where I do it – and do it with my head being in a crazy place – then the result is going to be a bad injury.

I’m sorry, I’m rambling and full of some sort of self pity, feeling sorry for myself, I need to get a fucking grip and turn things back around to the way they were at least semi productive (even if not particularly happy) a couple of months ago.

In my crisis plan which I revised for new CPN a couple of weeks ago (but haven’t gone to see her since) – in my “warning signs” section it says –

  • anxiety, panicking and worrying about things
  • lose interest in the future/have bad thoughts about the future
  • lose concentration, focus and motivation
  • not able to sleep properly
  • feeling very irritable
  • self isolating/don’t want to see anyone
  • ignore phone calls/texts
  • everything feels very negative
  • don’t attend appointments
  • self harm, suicidal thoughts and racing thoughts occur

Looks like I could put a tick next to every single one of them right now.

What do I need to do differently if I encounter these situations?

  • contact someone and share how I’m feeling rather than trying to cope alone and self isolating
  • try to speak to someone before acting upon thoughts that lead to self harming or other dangerous behaviours
  • try to do something that makes me happy and contented – try to calm down and diffuse the situation in my head

I don’t think I will see anyone tonight but perhaps I could make a call and get some things off my chest. I don’t know I guess I’ll see how tonight goes. I know I will probably not be honest with my parents tomorrow over dinner, I’ll probably admit to being a little bit behind with stuff and admit to that stressing me out but I doubt I will tell them the full truth about being two weeks behind, not attending my appointments, not going to the gym, not going out the house apart from when it’s dark in the late afternoon, evening, during the night, early in the morning. But then they will probably find out about not attending appointments when they ask how I’m getting on with new CPN and I either need to lie and say fine, or tell the truth that I’ve only seen her once then missed the second and third appointment.

And when one truth comes out then a second one is usually close behind until I realise I’m back there again… Or should that be back ‘here’ again…

 

 

 

14:09 – To feel the high, you gotta feel the low…

4 Nov

I cannot take these low crappy moods much longer and I am ashamed at what I am going to admit to in this post. I cannot function with such a low level of concentration. I am still behind with my uni work. I am hiding away each day excluding myself from the world and just sitting here doing nothing. I appear to have slipped into the pattern I often fall into when feeling shit, things like realising every time I’m walking the dogs it’s dark. Early morning dark, early evening dark, middle of the night dark… always dark.

I feel so many urges to self harm and until this point have managed to resist. But that too is becoming extremely testing for me and I feel like I am rapidly running out of fight, or should I say running out of care about fighting against it.

I read/heard/saw (I can’t remember which) something about having to feel the low to feel the high… I think it was in a song or something… Anyway… I kept thinking about those words and how I need to start applying them to me, to my life, that right now all I feel is the low, and what I needed to do was go and find the high again. I’m sure it probably happens to anyone with any history of any kind of drugs, whether experimental or an addiction… anyway these people, me, I hear the word high and it’s like my mind automatically seems to conjure up images of those best moments with drugs. Never the hours I spent bending over the toilet vomiting, never those moments of desperation and panic when you can’t get hold of your dealer and don’t know how you’ll get through the next few hours feeling that way, never all the possessions you just sell because you need to pay for what isn’t even a full blown ‘habit’ yet.

Instead I see the fun parts, the chilled parts, the feelings of contentment whilst lying here without a care in the world. And, I am ashamed to say, for the first time in months I wanted those feelings back; those words about feeling the low and feeling the high just went round and round in my head and there I was yesterday afternoon trying desperately to get hold of the one guy I know who can get his hands on just about anything. I finally found a way of getting hold of him and from there managed to get his phone number, then before I knew what I was even writing I had already composed and sent a text asking if he can get me something… anything… that I ‘needed to chill the fuck out could he please help me?’ – he replies asking what I want – I tell him anything that will make me not give a fuck, an opiate would be preferable – he tells me he will see what he can do. A couple of hours later, still sitting in the exact same spot, my phone plays it’s annoying little text sound. I grab the phone and there is a message from him, he can get me ‘gear’ how much do I want? I don’t even take a second to think that I haven’t touched an opiate since January, nor about how rapidly it went from ‘one wrap a day’ to ‘five wraps a day’, or how close I came to a proper addiction. My mind just wouldn’t offer up those thoughts to me and let me carry on writing a text back to him that 2 or 3 wraps would be good.

I leave the house and go to the cash machine. It is out of order. I walk along the street to the next one and it tells me I have insufficient funds in my account. I realise I have brought the wrong bank card. So I go onto my phone banking app to transfer money into the account that I had the card for and whilst doing this I get another text message through, saying he can’t get it tonight and I’d need to wait til tomorrow – I meet him anyway to get some stronger diazepam than those I’m prescribed (just a few) and come home and try to blank everything out. I managed six hours sleep which was pretty good for me.

I woke up this morning to see a text from him asking if I still want to score. I haven’t replied to the text and the thought of taking what is most likely to be heroin again is making me feel sick. I have no desire for it today at all. Instead I have extreme urges to hurt myself (with a blade rather than a drug) and am using everything in my power to just block it all out. I have tried to do some uni work but I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I tried to wash the dishes but couldn’t see the point. I was going to have a shower but again, what’s the point? I feel as though I need to hurt, I need to get this low over with and feel some highs again. Not necessarily the illegal type of high but just those feelings of general happiness, the belief that you have the ability to achieve things to come back, routine back into my days, back onto the diet where seeing bits of weight loss was giving me some kind of encouragement to carry on.

I am so ashamed to have even thought about putting that poison back into my body, I am ashamed that I have to think about taking any sort of drug or medication to just feel ‘normal’. But I can’t take much more of the low and I really need to feel the high again. What I would give for a little bit of mania right about now.

18:48 – Meeting new CPN & how everything has gone to fuck

1 Nov

Everything is fucked up right now. My head being the main part of ‘everything’. I am struggling so hard to find any concentration, motivation or focus on anything. I had a tutorial for my uni course yesterday afternoon and I felt like I didn’t have a clue about what to say so just sat there quietly reading it all. I am contemplating emailing my student advisor and just making her aware that things aren’t good right now, but I’d rather just see if I can push on with some of my reading and see if I can narrow the gap a bit.

Yesterday I also had a support session with the woman from rape crisis and we are starting to talk more in detail now about how I am still affected from my childhood abuse and the assault in August has just kinda catapulted back a load of old hidden away memories. She frequently asks why I don’t feel deserving of things or why I play down achievements when I should be letting myself be excited or proud of myself or whatever.

I met my new permanent CPN today. I’m not entirely sure yet what I make of her. She was doing my head in at times because she kept saying all this shit about how I was “articulate and intelligent” and then making me feel like I couldn’t tell her how I was feeling because it was all going to sound crazy. And she’s telling me I’m this “intelligent young woman”… At times it felt almost patronising like at one point she asked me to explain how my anxiety makes me feel and when I said the word “paranoid” she then made me explain what paranoia meant and kept saying things like it was a “huge word” and a word used to describe “people who are very unwell” and all this shit and I just completely lost interest in whatever she was going on about. She then dragged up my old crisis plan and gave me a copy of it with a blank crisis plan and she wants me to fill it in for when I see her next Friday. I cannot be fucked even looking at it.

I have been eating takeaways. I’m 1-2 weeks behind on my uni course. My thoughts race too fast. I’m constantly thinking about self harming. I’m also constantly thinking that I can’t cope in this world, it’s all overwhelming me and I just want to run away and hide for a while. It feels like everything has gone to fuck, the weight loss is currently weight gain…. the uni course has gone from a great distraction to a massive worry… the housing transfer application has gone from me feeling hopeful to completely hopeless… Christmas is just around the corner so the TV adverts are starting up, the shop windows will soon be full of Santa’s and the little Elves and Reindeer and toys and it will be another ‘festive’ season to get through both single and childless (but with a very bright shining star in the sky).

Ugh I just completely and utterly feel like who am I kidding? I’ll never get the career I want, I can’t stay stable enough for more than a month before everything in my life starts to go tits up again. Or everything in my head does. And I know it’s too soon to say but I just got a first impression from her that I am going to find her very annoying with all her “you can do anything…” – “you’re so articulate…” – “you are doing so well with your recovery…” Just like shut up. Seriously. I don’t want to hear those things, it makes me uncomfortable, I don’t like any type of praise, I don’t deserve it, please STOP saying it!!!

I so want to do something bad. I’m not entirely sure what, but my brain is squirming with ideas from the ‘little-bit-bad’ end of the scale to the ‘see-you-in-the-next-lifetime’ scale. I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel like I want to be here. I don’t feel like any of the craziness in my head is ever going to go away permanently… I truly believe that this is it for me now… A future of dipping in and out of craziness, a life time of anti-psychotic medication, a head that goes so fast I can’t keep up or so slow I feel like I have been set to operate in slow motion. Things are spiralling… I’m just not sure in which direction.

 

11:57 – De-ja-vu of a week ago…

30 Oct

The last post I wrote on here was this time last week when I was getting ready to go to the gym but was completely lacking in motivation. I did go in the end. However I skipped it on Thursday and then spent Friday-Sunday drinking way too much alcohol, eating takeaway pizza, drinking sugary drinks, then out for a meal on Sunday night with family and friends for another plate-load of super high carb foods.

I’m dreading the gym today because I’m not feeling motivated, I feel fat and frumpy from how much I ate over the weekend, I don’t want to see how much I have gained today 😦 It was a good weekend and was so much fun, I had a really good birthday, but I well and truly over-indulged.

I’m still behind with my uni work, I just cannot seem to focus and pick up a book and get reading and making notes at the moment. It’s like all concentration has gone. But I must force myself this week to get some chapters read and notes taken. It’s only another couple of weeks until our next assignment.

My head still feels a bit all over the place, racing thoughts are still pretty bad, levels of wanting to self harm have been super high, I’m noticing I’m sliding on a slippery slope and have too many emotions going on inside me that are pulling my moods all over the place. I need my focus and concentration levels to come back and need to get reading. This week and last week have been like the biggest two weeks for reading and gathering information. I have done practically nothing as every time I open a textbook and start to read it just doesn’t sink in. My notes end up just being re-writes of the pages I’m reading. None of it is sinking in at all and I need that to really change this week and get myself back on track or I’m going to end up too far behind.

So it’s almost 12 noon, I have two hours in which to get myself showered, dressed, dogs walked and get to the gym. In fact I could probably do all of that in an hour and read for an hour but I know that isn’t going to happen. Maybe I’ll just go and read some of the uni’s discussion board for this week and see what people are writing about on there, then at least feel like I know something from this week’s work.

Oh, and I meet new CPN on Thursday. I hope she is nice.

 

12:56 – Gym day and no motivation at all

23 Oct

I have gym in an hour from 2-3pm. I have absolutely no motivation at all to go. I know it will be fine when I get there but getting there is the problem. There are people in the stairway, I think they are painting or something, I can’t see them from my peep hole so they must be on the level above or below me. I feel panicky at the thought of having to walk past them. I also feel panicky about being in a group environment today; that’s kinda how the gym is, although we all do our work out’s individually there is a gym instructor who goes round “encouraging” us to do another five minutes and another five minutes.

I think I will take my iPod today, you can either listen to it as you work out or all the machines have a TV screen built into them so you can just plug your headphones in and watch some TV, but TV is crap mid-afternoon.

I am annoyed with myself because last night I caved in on my low carbing after 4 weeks of sticking rigidly to phase 1 of it, I end up eating a slice of cake last night. I bet I have put weight on since I last weighed myself on Thursday at the gym. One slice of cake has probably screwed up my weight loss over the past 3 or 4 days. I guess I’ll find out soon enough.

I really really really need to read uni stuff today, I am about a week behind, I realised yesterday I’m further behind than I thought. And I need to force myself to get back into the swing of daily studying but it is so damn hard when your head is going a million miles an hour and can’t seem to fit enough thoughts into a day let alone proper thoughts about how much I NEED to start reading those books or I am going to end up failing.

I have to go and walk the dogs and then go to the gym. Maybe after an hour’s work out I’ll be able to work out how I’m feeling – either more awake and able to do some studying and concentrate for a while – or more tired in which case I’m coming home to try and get a few hours sleep. I’m past caring what time of day it is that I get some sleep at, if I can sleep then I will. I avoided the supermarket completely yesterday because I just couldn’t face lots of people, so I just went to the local shop instead and because they don’t sell the types of food I need on Atkins, I decided I’d just have a big huge slice of cake instead. Very smart move…. not.

Blah it’s now 1.20pm and I have only forty minutes in which to have a shower, tie my hair back, put my gym clothes on, walk the dogs and then get to gym. I just cannot be bothered with anything today, I don’t know what’s wrong with me I’m just in a very irritable mood today.

14:57 – Itchy, scratchy, suspicious brain

22 Oct

I’m having a really hard time concentrating at the moment, my head slips off into little daydreams constantly, I become irritated when I know I have to sit and read a certain chapter of a book. This is uni reading week and there is another assignment at the end of it and I don’t even have a clue what I’m supposed to be reading about because of my itchy, scratchy brain.

There are too many random racing thoughts going through my head. I have never considered myself to be a jealous person before and I have no real reason to be jealous. But I noticed a couple of days ago that best friend had added my ex onto her facebook, she keeps leaving him little comments with kisses after them, and now he is doing the same to her. Why does she always need to do that? She sees that I am now friends with someone and so (if it’s a man) the next thing I see is that she and him are now friends. From little things she’s written on his page she’s clearly flirting with him… but she has like 3 different guys on the go that she is always flirting with by text. Now my suspicious little brain imagines they have swapped numbers and are chatting away behind my back. And yes, I am talking about the ex who came to visit a couple of weekends ago and ended up in the car crash. And yes I did mention somewhere in that post that some old feelings had come back, and yes, best friend knows this.

I go on Facebook and just sit and stare. Watching the interactions taking place between two people. Thinking how blindingly obvious it is that they are having a little flirt (and I don’t mean I want any more than friendship with him) but it gets to me. It gets to me because she has everything. And yet everything isn’t enough. She has her pick of what guy she wants, she has two beautiful children, she has a nice figure, pretty face, tall, blond…. all the guys fancy her…. it’s just the way it’s always been. Plus she is only young, like 23 or something and I’m 31 this coming weekend. So now I’m thinking is the fact they are both single parents the common ground? Is that why they constantly seem to be chatting away online together? But she has another guy, in fact two other guys who are both single dad’s… so that’s 3 single dad’s altogether that she flirts with, sleeps with, texts constantly, etc.

I’ve noticed he’s stopped texting me… Actually she’s been pretty quiet too…

They think I don’t know, don’t notice, don’t pick up on things, but I do. And it all goes into that constantly thinking and over-analysing brain of mine and adds into all those racing thoughts. I feel like just phoning her and hitting her straight out with it… but then I’m going to look like some crazy jealous bitch aren’t I…

Why does this have to be yet another thing to go into my itchy scratchy suspicious brain? Why can’t it just shut up and close off…

Oh yeah, today was meant to be the day I met (old) CPN and (new) CPN together and be handed over to new CPN to work with from now on. But the receptionist called this morning to say old CPN is off sick so someone will phone me later in the week instead.

It’s just after 3pm and I haven’t managed to go out today, well I went out at 7am with the dogs. I have stayed in all day long because I think my next door neighbour has finally been evicted and they put his door through this morning then fixed a notice to the outside of it and changed the locks. I sat behind my peep hole in my door with my heart pounding that they were going to start knocking in my door next. I don’t know why I thought that, I was just feeling very paranoid.Now I keep wondering who they are going to move into his flat, will it be someone I have to watch or will they be watching me? I don’t like it when things change that I have no control over and have to go through the whole sussing the new person/people out before I feel safe enough to just walk past them in the stairway.

Then not so long after they left I heard my front door being chapped. I couldn’t even make it to the peep hole to see who it was, I just kinda froze so they couldn’t hear me moving and I stood there silent for a few minutes until they had gone.

I am so hungry and yet I can’t face the supermarket at the moment. It’s too busy and noisy and stressful today. All I feel capable of doing is sitting here listening to every little noise and wondering what’s going on. I really should go and have a shower then take the dogs out again but I feel so fucking incapable of doing anything other than sitting waiting, watching, listening and feeling the itchy scratchiness of my brain.