Tag Archives: faith

00:31 – A little dose of the head crazies going on

21 Mar

Today I’ve had that same sense of ‘blah’ about me that I had yesterday. I have spent the day in my pyjamas and only changed into clothes to walk the dogs and to go and pick up my weekly prescription. I looked a right mess when I went into the chemist, hair not brushed and all hanging in a greasy mess. No make up. Wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday. Don’t even think I had brushed my teeth at that point. But I really didn’t care.

I finally dragged myself in for a shower this evening and ended up getting my dressings soaked so had to change them. One of the wounds started bleeding again but it stopped after a while and still seems to have stopped so I think it’ll be OK.

What is really annoying me is that I have a massive sense of regret about self harming yesterday and my leg is actually quite sore as well; and yet for some reason I keep thinking about doing it again. I actually threw out the rest of the blades in the box yesterday after I cut so there were none in the house but yeah, the urge to go and buy more tomorrow is there. I don’t think I will though, the feelings of regret outweigh the desires to do it again.

I had hoped that I would maybe get to meet up with my social worker either tomorrow or Friday but I still haven’t heard back from her so I have a feeling that isn’t going to happen which is a little bit annoying because I have a query about my benefits and I find it really difficult to phone and talk to these people so had hoped she could have called them for me. Maybe I’ll hear from her tomorrow and get to see her on Friday… be optimistic!

The only thing I have to do tomorrow is take one of my little dogs to the vets for his annual vaccination. I still haven’t heard anything from my insurance company about how much of Charlie dog’s bill they are going to pay, although they did say it takes about 3-4 weeks to process a claim. And I also wrote on the form for them to deal directly with the vets so maybe they won’t even write to me. I don’t know. I’ll ask the vets tomorrow if they have heard anything or received any payments.

I’m also getting pretty fed up with this stupid sleeping pattern that’s been going on for a good couple of weeks now. I’m not getting to sleep before 3am most nights then waking back up between 6am and 8am then I take my morning Quetiapine dose and spend the rest of the morning feeling like a total zombie because I feel so tired. Then I seem to wake up a bit as the day goes on and by this time of night – midnight – I should be ready to go straight to sleep but instead I’m wide awake. It sucks.

I guess I’ll go find a DVD to put on and see if I can get some sleep in a couple of hours and try to distract myself away from all these urges to do bad things to myself… it’s hard though… when you feel like you have a little demon sitting on your shoulder whispering in your ear “just one more time, just a little deeper, you know you deserve it”. It’s irritating, annoying and soothing all at once. I know that probably sounds a bit nonsensical but that’s how it feels.

Off topic, I have been having a somewhat mixed day with one of my voices. He has been talking quite a lot today about rainbows and rain puddles. It has made for some interesting (and occasionally quite funny) little rambles inside my head as he has been telling me absolutely everything he likes and dislikes – in very specific details – about the existence of both rainbows and puddles. Strange but mostly amusing. But then, the exact same voice would change his tone and start on at me again about how I’ve failed to start serving God properly, I have let my mission to find a faith slide away and he has made it quite clear he isn’t very happy about that and it is something that I must try harder with. So yeah, occasionally annoying but I suppose it’s helped a bit to distract from those little demon thoughts that just want me to hurt myself.

Definitely got a dose of the head crazies going on…

Goodnight folks x



19:53 – A good day ’til the voices fucked it all up

5 Mar

[edited to add – sorry this post goes on forever, rambles, is all mixed up and probably makes very little sense so I apologise in advance]

This afternoon I met up with lovely social worker and we went for a bite to eat and to have a chat. Whilst I was standing outside waiting for her to pick me up a guy walked past me and the way he looked at me made me feel so uncomfortable. He was pretty much looking me right in the eye from across the street and kept on staring as he reached the other side of the road. While he stopped to let a car past he started looking at me up and down in what felt like a really leering sort of way. Initially it gave me the creeps but a few seconds later as he was crossing the road and about to walk right past me I saw these violent images quickly play out in my head of me pushing him right into a moving car.

Anyway, a few minutes later lovely social worker arrived and it was nice to see her again but from the moment of that guy staring at me my head started playing funny buggers which made me feel like I couldn’t talk properly about stuff. It’s hard to explain, I would start up sentences and find it hard to say anything that actually had any proper meaning to it, like when you go to say something that has a point to it but I’d never get to the point because as soon as I’d start talking ‘they’ would start as well. I felt very anxious when I got in her car (I really don’t know why) but I was trying not to show it and tried to relax. But ‘they’ didn’t want me to relax and during the ten or fifteen minutes it took to get to the cafe I kept hearing instructions to do bad things inside the car. I couldn’t tell lovely social worker this because she’d probably have kicked me out her car and made me walk, but the stuff I was hearing was bad, really quite disturbing, for example when she was on the faster bit of road they were telling me to open the door and throw myself out because I couldn’t be trusted not to say too much to her. So yeah, that was pretty unpleasant however since I got home ‘they’ have actually been happy with me for not revealing too much today.

So we got to the cafe and it was full of people, not one single table free so we had to sit outside. But while we were in the queue the anxiety began creeping in, there were too many people and it was making me feel not good at all, especially not when all I could hear was one direct instruction that I had not to let any of these strangers look me in the eye. I went outside and got a table and once out in the fresh air the anxiety did begin to calm a little.

I didn’t want to risk talking about the content of the chitter chatter and I have been really good and not written on here for a few days and actually really tried my best not to mention to anyone or anywhere what ‘they’ want me to do next. So we chatted about more general things and I told lovely social worker the bits of my uni course I’m struggling to get my head around and she did try to explain what some of the bits meant but my head was like mush and unable to fully concentrate, as is the norm for me at the moment.

In the car on the way back we stopped for a moment so I could get out and have a cigarette. I remember telling her that I feel like I have no sense of belonging at the moment, like everyone I know is either married or has kids. At the age of 31 I feel like they are all in some club that I am not a part of. And all these mental health symptoms and diagnoses and medications make me part of another world but I don’t want to connect with other people in that world in ‘real life’ – I prefer to not go to support groups because I know that any time I am in the psychiatric hospital it drives me mad being around so many other mentalists. Don’t get me wrong I love the online friends I have met through blogging and almost all of them are fellow mentalists but I’ve always had this thing about wanting to surround myself with what I perceived to be the norm but by doing that it only makes things even harder because they don’t understand what it’s like to live a life with mental health problems.

I think that is probably where the desires to find a faith have recently stemmed from – a desire to be amongst people who I can connect with and have something in common with. Where I could sit in an environment and feel as though I belong. Because I don’t feel as though I belong here on Earth with this as my life, I am always aware of being different from everyone else. Do I want to be the same as the people I think of as normal? In a lot of ways yes. But I can’t help but feel like I have too many issues to ever be ‘normal’ again.

Most of my life I have felt different from everyone else probably because by the time of reaching my teens I had already been abused for a number of years, starting self harming and had no fears of walking into an adult world and start smoking and drinking and experimenting with drugs. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with being 14 and having sex with my first proper boyfriend because I’d known for years what intercourse felt like. And I thought it was expected of me, afterall it was what ‘good girls’ did to make guys happy wasn’t it?

I’ve always been different in one way or another from those around me and the one and only time I felt ‘normal’ was when I was around 24 and I had lost a hell of a lot of weight, I was slim and felt pretty. For the first time in my life I could walk into a clothes shop and know I could wear the fitted clothes and pretty dresses. And then just to add the cherry to the top of the cake I also had a man who loved me. I worked full time and earned my money every month, then soon after I was pregnant, then engaged and planning a wedding. And before it all fell apart that was normal, that was the first and only time in my life where I felt like I was the same as all of my friends. Perhaps it was a little bit too good as it was also during this period that I had a (undiagnosed at the time) manic episode.

Like all good things that have happened in my life that normality soon fell apart and I became the girl who lost her baby and had to bury her son, then I got fat again, I lost all my confidence when I became the girl whose “fiancé cheated on her but like an idiot she’s taken him back” … only to be cheated on by him again. I felt like everyone was laughing at me and my agoraphobia got worse and worse. My depression that I’d struggled with for a little while in my very early 20’s came back with a vengeance, I was barely functioning and the last thing that detached me from the world of normal people was losing my job because my attendance had become so awful.

And from there that was it, I was catapulted into this world of mental ill health. Thoughts plagued with ideas of suicide, of self destruction and self loathing. I felt disgusting and grew to hate myself a little more day by day. Less than a year after my Bipolar Disorder diagnosis I began to hear voices, I became paranoid, I was suicidal and scarring my body a little more with every day that went by. Soon followed my first experience of being detained and shortly after that I was detained again and then had several more suicide attempts and some voluntary admissions to the psychiatric hospital. Everything was too chaotic to ever do any proper work with the psychologist and lovely social worker just rolled with the crises.

The last time I was in the psychiatric hospital I hated the feeling of being trapped so much that I think I managed to develop a bit of a phobia about it and to be honest I think that’s what has kept me out of that place, because whenever I think about it I think of the nurses who don’t give a shit… the boredom of every minute feeling like an hour… the days that pass so slowly… the place where there is absolutely nothing to do other than walking in and out of the smoking area and chain smoking 40 cigarettes a day… slowly driving yourself more and more mental. And for just over a year now I have managed to stay at home, no more hospital admissions but feeling completely alien from all the seemingly normal people around me every single day.

That brings me back to where I was before I went off on that little ramble – having a sense of belonging or a sense of ‘fitting in’. The whole finding a faith thing may have started with the chitter chatter telling me I had to ‘bare my soul and declare my sins’ when Charlie dog was so ill and them instructing me to pray repeatedly in order for Charlie to get better, but now it’s become about more than that. It’s become a search for me to find somewhere that I do fit in and am accepted for just being me. But you see that is impossible, to say I want to feel accepted for just being me when I am unable to accept who I am myself. If I can’t accept me then how can I expect anyone else to? I can’t.

[Sorry this post seems to have gone off at a bit of a tangent – I’ve completely forgotten what the point of this entire post was…]

Anyway…. back to today and seeing lovely social worker… on the drive back home I said something about the chitter chatter and she asked me was it definitely voices and not just my thoughts getting out of control? I couldn’t really explain myself properly to her but did say I know the male voice is definitely a voice because my thoughts are in ‘my’ voice if that makes sense, a female tone like how I talk… not an angry male tone… like the way any of us hear our own thoughts in our head. But the way that I really know what is chitter chatter voices and what is my own crazy thoughts is I try and talk inside my head/think thoughts in my head whilst the chitter chatter is talking and if it stops then I know it’s my thoughts because I can’t talk about two different things at the exact same time. Does that make sense? Like if it was actually my thoughts and not a voice then I wouldn’t be able to have two completely different thoughts at the exact same moment running parallel. That’s the best I can explain it.

So lovely social worker dropped me back home and literally just as I was stepping out of the car I looked at her to say bye and even though I saw her mouth form the shape of the word ‘bye’ what I heard was something different and something I don’t want to write here. Then since I got back in the house I’ve had the TV on and every so often I don’t hear a sentence the person on TV says, I hear the chitter chatter say a random line instead. I know it was the chitter chatter talking over her and that she didn’t really say anything bad but over the past few hours that I’ve been home all I keep hearing is that it would make her happy if she never had to see me again. And it gets louder and faster and it’s trying so very hard to make me believe it is telling me the truth, that I’ve not to refer to her as lovely social worker because she secretly hates me and it’s all spiralling out of control round and round inside my head. Then not only am I being told she hates me but people on the TV hate me too. I argue back if she hates me then why didn’t I pick up on it until the very last second when I was getting out the car, surely I would have picked up on it from the moment I first got in the car?…

I tell the chitter chatter that it is talking shit to me and I won’t believe what they are saying, but for some reason they won’t back down which is crappy because she is a lovely social worker even though I don’t see much of her these days. I don’t want to think she has feelings of hate towards me, that genuinely upsets me and while my head is so confused the only thing I know for sure is that the only hate that is truly real is mine towards the voices for fucking my head up so much. I don’t know how much longer I can realistically live this way… being controlled by something I can’t even see… that I can only hear… why does it terrify me so much to go against what they tell me to do? Why am I so scared of, what is at the end of the day, just a bunch of sounds? Why are they so convincing and believable that the consequences of ignoring or disobeying them feel too much to bear?

Sorry I know half of the stuff I’ve wrote probably doesn’t make a great deal of sense and I really didn’t mean to ramble on for this long, I guess I had a lot of stuff to get off my chest. I feel like such an awful person for even giving these horrible voices a second thought, but they are so real that no matter what I do I just can’t hide from them…at all…ever. And maybe that’s what I need to accept – that they are here to stay and always will be. It’s pretty clear that realistically there is only one way left to get rid of them now.

21:08 – That’s why I should be kept quiet

28 Feb

I had an appointment at 1pm today with my lovely support worker from Rape Crisis. I ended up telling her some of what I wrote about last night. I didn’t tell her much, pretty much the same as what I wrote on here but she seemed to get quite concerned. I was trying to coherently explain the reasoning for everything in my head but I don’t know if I just ended up sounding bonkers.

She challenged everything the voices told me and their logic which meant me feeling a bit mixed up. She got me to admit to her that since waking up and feeling so messed up on Sunday that I haven’t really been taking my medication properly. It’s just because I want to hear and feel and see everything properly like in high definition or something. And the meds make me feel slowed down and I get mixed up half way through sentences and generally make me feel a bit stupid and my brain like mush. So I’ve been skipping morning doses so that I can wake up properly and do all that is being asked of me. I’ve skipped a couple of evening doses as well which might be why I’ve not been sleeping so great. I thought it was just because I had a lot going on swirling around in my head.

Before leaving the appointment she asked me to please not do anything to myself and to phone the CMHT and ask lovely social worker for an appointment. She also suggested that the three of us get together and just talk about where we’re at with things, maybe that would be a good idea, I don’t know. So I got an appointment with lovely social worker for Tuesday. It will be nice to see her again but equally I’m scared because since leaving the appointment with lovely support worker today the chitter chatter have been pretty angry with me, telling me I said way too much today and it’s all because of my big fucking mouth, that’s what causes so much trouble. It should be wired shut! This is why they want me not to be able to talk any more so that I don’t spend an hour in a support session voicing what they are telling me. I should be keeping everything they say private! Instead I’m now going to have three appointments next week with lovely social worker on Tuesday, lovely GP on Wednesday and lovely support worker on Thursday. I seriously need to learn silence or create silence this weekend, I can’t go on telling them things like the way I did today.

So yes, they have been troubling me quite a lot this evening. Around 5.30pm I was starting to get desperate for them to be quiet. Where has all the nice stuff that they were telling me just a few days ago gone? Why is it all commands and demands now? I needed some peace inside my head so I did try and do something that would make them happy but just after I started I kept freezing like I was unsure whether or not I should really do it. It’s so hard when they are screaming yes and there is only this tiny little whisper of a voice saying ‘no, don’t do it’. So I started and then I stopped with minimal damage occurring. Then my phone began to ring and I got distracted for a little while talking to lovely social worker. It was nice to speak to her but afterwards the chitter chatter started up loudly again telling me they had already warned me about saying too much. And that kind of upset me then because the trust I have with lovely support worker and lovely social worker is huge and they have both been so good with helping me and never judging me and I want to be able to tell them things. But the noise in my head gets louder and louder until I’m distressed and pacing around or just sitting here crying because I feel as though I can’t cope any more with all this confusion.

This evening I have been reading a lot to do with religion, more specifically trying to find out if there is a way I can test that these messages coming from a higher power and the others telling me how to please this higher power are real. Like is there a way to test them? I’ve been reading a lot of interesting articles about knowing whether or not it is really God speaking to you and I’m still very much convinced it is either Him or a couple of messengers he has sent that I am hearing. As for the two things they want me to do, well I don’t know, like I said I did start to do one of them earlier but something made me stop before any real damage was done. What’s hard is to ignore the amazing miracle gift they tell me I will receive when I obey them. I don’t want to be greedy but I’d like that gift so very much. They tell me it’s only a matter of time until I will back down and just do it. Maybe they are right. They certainly seem to talk a lot of sense to me even if it does mess my head up a bit.

I am going to take my medication tonight just to quieten them down a notch or two. I know I need to try and get some proper sleep tonight because I am starting to get very tired. I’ve lost count of the amount of times they have criticised me for saying too much today and to be honest they’re still at it just now. Even though I’ve spent all evening trying to understand why they want me to obey them so badly and even trying to make deals with them that if they can just prove it a little tiny bit to me that I really will be rewarded in the manner that they promise then just to show me and I would believe them there and then, no more doubts.

But just because I have some niggling doubts at the moment I would still love to think I really could be rewarded with miraculous things.

In the meantime I leave you with a couple of lovely songs (as usual I prefer to read the lyrics)


16:25 – A bit of a messed up day so far

24 Feb

Well I messed up. I had planned to go to Church this morning for the service at 10.30am to say thank you to God for helping me in my prayers and also to see what that Church is like as I go through my “trying to find the right faith for me” thingy.

But last night best friend phoned and asked me if I was going out for some drinks with a little group of them. I went to say no and before I got the chance she said “you promised you would come out this weekend, you’ve not had a night out since like Christmas time”. Then I remembered that I did indeed promise I would go for a night out with her. So I said that I would go.

Everyone went to her house to get ready to go out, there was the usual commotion of clothes and make up everywhere, mirrors propped up on tables, music blaring, the air a mix of hairspray, perfume and cigarette smoke. Oh and a nice big litre bottle of Russian vodka and a bottle of Limoncello (to do shots with) were both sitting on the kitchen worktop waiting to be drunk. Before I’d even got my clothes changed I’d already had 2 shots of Limoncello and a large vodka and coke. When I was doing my make up I knocked back another few shots. When I was straightening my hair another large vodka and coke went down the hatch. And by the time we left to get our lift into town I was a little bit tipsy and looking forward to a good night out.

It was around 11pm when we got to the first pub – the norm here is to get at least a little bit drunk before even going out because the pubs don’t really get busy until around midnight, then they get so busy you can hardly move by the time they close at 2am. So yeah the first pub was shit, it was just full of guys playing pool so we had one drink and one shot and then left.

Pub number two was busier and had some decent music playing so we had quite a few drinks in there and some shots and then onto the obligatory jaeger-bombs. Around 12.30 we left and went onto pub three as everyone (apart from me) wanted to go dancing – I don’t do dancing these days – I hide in corners and drink and keep my eye on everything going on around me. Paranoia? No self confidence? Scared of being ‘spiked’ and hurt again? I think all three are correct. So I stood in my corner and watched them all dance and have fun and I started feeling really out of place, like I just didn’t fit in. So about 1.30am I called it a night and came home to walk the dogs and get into bed. I felt pretty drunk but managed to avoid the usual vomiting that follows any time I drink these days. Then again I suppose that much alcohol combined with all the medications I take makes vomiting a pretty likely scenario!

This morning I didn’t wake up until 11.15am as I’d forgotten to set my alarm to 8am to get up and do Charlie dog’s medication. So I quickly got up and got his first one done, threw some clothes on and took them a short walk. By the time I’d done his third morning medication and given them some food my head was absolutely pounding and my hangover was in full swing.

After I’d walked the dogs and fed them and sorted medications and all that stuff I realised it was almost noon and I had missed Church. I felt so bad and before the head chitter chatter even kicked off I immediately started to pray and apologised for failing this morning and promised I would do better next week. But that wasn’t enough and by about 1.30pm the chitter chatter was noisy. Very noisy and very unimpressed with me. Told me to try harder, to do better, to prove myself before things would turn very nasty for me. Reminding me of the powers that God has and how they could make him use those powers to cause me complete and utter misery. I tried searching the web to see if there were any churches that do a live streaming service so you can watch/attend it from home and I did find one, a morning service just about to start that was in a church somewhere in America – it was 9am there and 2pm here so I sang the hymns and listened to the readings and turned the laptop volume up full to try and prove to ‘them’ that I was genuinely sorry for not going to a church today.

But they just kept on getting more and more noisy and in the end I was searching the web for all sorts of things – prayers, how to apologise to God properly, more church services to watch, videos on youtube of bible readings, etc. Then I saw a prayer telephone service and started searching for more of them. I could find a couple in America and one in Australia but nothing in the UK. So I phoned the one in America (no idea how much that’s going to cost me as I’ve not got any international call allowance) but anyway a man answered who introduced himself as Jeff and he asked how he could help me today. I was trying to speak slowly and clearly so he could understand my accent but I was getting close to hysterical with all the voices bouncing around my head telling me what I should beg forgiveness for. Jeff said he could hear I was upset and told me it was OK, to take my time, to allow myself to calm down. If only!

Anyway it all came tumbling out about how I’d failed this morning and broken my promise after God being so good to me and answering my prayers for me. I told him I didn’t know yet which faith/religion I wanted to follow but I was definitely a believer that there is ‘a’ God. He said that was OK, that some people who phone them to pray together don’t even believe in God at all, they just want someone to pray for them at a time of crisis. I went on to tell Jeff a little bit about my mental health problems and how all I really wanted in my life was a sense of happiness. If not happiness then contentment would do just fine. I told him what I was hearing inside my head about how God would never forgive me especially not for going out and getting drunk and then missing church. In my head ‘they’ were hissing at me that I was despicable, telling me I should be ashamed of myself for repaying God in this way after he had helped me so much recently. But Jeff told me that was not true, that God would love me and protect me even if I make mistakes along the way. Because life doesn’t come with an instruction manual and we all make mistakes and through those mistakes we learn from them. He just told me to do the best I could in whatever situation I found myself in and so long as I did that then God would be there to protect me.

In the end I was on the phone for about 30 minutes to him and at the end he said a long prayer for me which he made very personal and I began to cry as he spoke. He asked God to watch over me and give me strength, he asked God to watch over my little boy who is up there in Heaven, he asked God to help me find the strength to recover my mental health and to help give me a brighter future. And despite Jeff saying to me that it didn’t matter if I missed Church so long as I prayed at home he could obviously sense how much ‘they’ were tormenting me for not going, so he added in a line about that in the prayer as well.

It’s now around 4pm and I feel a little calmer again. They seem happy with me that I phoned across the world to have someone pray with me and that I have prayed a lot myself today and that I watched the bible reading videos and ‘attended’ the online church service. So I am being rewarded with some peace and quiet at the moment although my hangover seems to be getting worse as the day goes on. Now I remember why I avoid nights out these days. Although it was nice to go out and have a change of scenery it really wasn’t worth feeling this ill for!

I’m going to my parents house for a Sunday roast dinner in an hour so hopefully that will help me to feel less sick and a bit brighter. I don’t know whether to take the dogs with me or not. They love going to see my parents and probably enjoy the change of environment for a couple of hours, but they are going to be in for a shock as they won’t be getting their own little Sunday roast dinner any more, not now that Charlie dog is on specialist food and for the moment that means strictly no human food! Plus they won’t be able to get their usual treat of a few little dog biscuits because it’s not fair to give to one of them and not the other. They probably think I’m being so mean to them at the moment by not giving them little bits of my food or any treats but getting Charlie dog back to good health is the important thing for now. So yeah, I don’t know whether to take them with me or just leave them here for a couple of hours then go for a nice walk when I get back. I think that might be the best thing to do, it also means Charlie won’t start jumping around with manic excitement.

Well, I guess I had better go and do some more of Charlie’s medicines. Then after I’ve been to the parents house for dinner I must get some studying done, I am still sitting about a full week behind and if I have not completely caught up by this time next week then I have no chance of passing this module as we start getting assessments then and know I wouldn’t be able to pass them. I only have one appointment this week but that’s not til Thursday so I should be able to get a good bit of studying done if I can just find my concentration again. I’m hoping that lovely social worker might get in touch and offer me an appointment sometime next week as even though crappy CPN has now left I’d still like someone to be able to touch base with once a week or something. Anyways, enough rambling from me… I hope you’re all having a happy/contented/peaceful weekend.

13:01 – Maybe God is listening

21 Feb

Charlie dog was so ill his chances of survival post-op were tiny.

I listened to what the chitter chatter in my head said and I prayed like they asked me to. I lay on the floor and cried and begged for God to listen to me and save my Charlie dog.

He did.

The last few weeks I’ve been struggling so much with my studying and the chitter chatter told me what they’d like me to do so my prayers would be listened to. I done as was asked of me and then I prayed for God to help me.

The following day I managed to make an agreement to drop one of my modules so I could continue with the course but at a pace that would be easier for me.

He listened again.

The past couple of days I have wondered whether to go back and see new CPN, whether to write a letter of complaint about her, whether to go and speak to her and tell her how upset she had made me, I couldn’t decide which would be best so I cancelled for this week to give me more time to think.

Last night, in my prayers, I asked God to help me feel strong enough to phone her and explain why I cancelled the appointment. I went to bed with the intention of getting up this morning and getting the matter dealt with one way or another.

This morning the postman brought me a letter from new CPN which says:

Dear MCBL,

I am sorry that you could not attend your appointment today. I had hoped to speak to you personally to inform you that as I am leaving my post at the end of this week I will no longer be your allocated caseworker. Until my post is filled and you are allocated a new key worker (lovely social worker) has agreed to support you in the short term. I trust she will contact you with an appointment in due course.

May I take the opportunity to say that it has been a pleasure to work with you [patronising cow] and I wish you good mental health now and in the future [I bet you do… not!]

Yours sincerely,

[Crap] CPN.


He listened to me again and solved my little dilemma for me! 😀

Now my only hope is that lovely social worker actually does get in touch and offer me an appointment. Hopefully I could work with her until the nice psychologist I worked with previously returns next month, and not bother with another CPN. That’s three I’ve had now and they’ve all left! Two were on temporary contracts and then this one was supposed to be permanent but for whatever reason she’s leaving!

I am most definitely going to a church on Sunday. I have a few thank you’s to say to Him! It’s all working perfectly. I have some sort of dilemma or problem and then it spins round my head, my thoughts race around and then the chitter chatter starts up and now I’m realising that I don’t need to put my earphones in and my iPod up to it’s loudest volume to drown out the noise. Instead I need to sit quietly and listen to what is being said, listen to what they want me to do, do it, pray, and prayers might just be answered! 😀



21:31 – Feeling really unsure about tomorrow

19 Feb

I haven’t seen new CPN since the 5th of Feb due to her being off sick then on holiday. And as you might remember the last appointment did not go well at all. At our last appointment I made the stupid mistake of opening up about some of the things the voices were saying and talked for the first time with her about some of the suicidal feelings I was having (although had no plans to act upon them).

At that time I was feeling very messed up and emotional as it was a few days before my cousins wedding which I couldn’t go to due to the fucking agoraphobia and it was really messing with my head and making me so upset that every family member would be there to share in her big day apart from me. I made the decision to open up to new CPN for the first time and told her that the voices were putting ideas into my head to do something to myself that weekend when all the family were away. Before I got the chance to say I wouldn’t act on the thoughts, for several reasons, she cut in and told me I was incredibly selfish to say something like that… she went on a little ramble and basically left me feeling like shit. And left me really disappointed that I knew from that moment onwards I wouldn’t ever want to see the woman again.

She had already pissed me off because I’d self harmed badly quite a few weeks ago now and the CMHT have an agreement with A&E that if I attend A&E then a copy of the notes get sent over to the CMHT. The nurse who treated me at A&E that day phoned the CMHT and asked if my CPN could please get in contact with me the following day so check if I was OK but needless to say she never did. In fact at our last appointment she didn’t even mention it and when I briefly did she seemed to want to change the subject.

I don’t know what it is about her but I can’t work with someone who shows such a lack of compassion. I’ve already been so patient with the CMHT and had two temporary CPN’s who I’ve had to get to know and tell my story too, only for them to leave several months later. And now this new CPN, the permanent new CPN is turning out to be totally shit.

So I have an appointment with her tomorrow, it’s been a couple of weeks since I last saw her. In that time I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster dealing with everything that’s happened with Charlie dog and of course getting through the weekend of my cousins wedding without being there and then my little boy’s anniversary last week. And in a way I wish she was a nice CPN because I’d like to be able to talk about some of that. I’d also like to talk about my desires to find a faith again and all the stuff that’s running around my head that I’m trying to keep happy and settled because it’s trying to protect me. And I think that’s another reason I’ve been thinking so much about religion because I see that as a form of protection as well.

But the reality is that I don’t want to see her again nor do I particularly want to speak to her again. About anything. The only one thing I want to tell her is how she made me feel during our appointment back on the 5th of Feb. And I would quite like to tell her that the following day when I had appointments with both Mr Psychiatrist and lovely GP that I told both of them how she spoke to me as well. I just don’t know if I have the strength to go into the appointment, say what needs to be said and then stick to my guns and tell her that I do not think this is going to work and that I would like to work with someone else. I’m scared she either (a) denies it or tries to tell me that I’ve somehow misunderstood her (b) tells me that’s fine but there is no one else with space on their caseload to see me.

I want to start working with my psychologist who I was seeing up until a year ago when she went on maternity leave but she doesn’t come back til next month and there’s no guarantee that she will definitely work with me again seeing as I made such little progress with her the last time. But I was pretty bonkers then and in and out of hospital all the time and things are a bit calmer compared to then (I think?)

So yes back to tomorrow… I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of just phoning them at 9am tomorrow and saying I can’t make the appointment. I have thought about writing a letter to the manager of the CMHT and explaining what happened and why I don’t feel like I’m going to be able to work with this new CPN but again I panic about being believed or being told “well there’s no one else who can work with you”. Hmm I really don’t know what to do for the best. When they made me work with the first temporary CPN I didn’t get on with her at all and made absolutely no progress with her the whole time we worked together. And then with the second temporary CPN things got off to a little bit of a rocky start but then we started to work quite well together and then she left after a few months. And now I’m back to someone I don’t think I can work with, but permanently.

Pretty stupid to keep it going really.

I guess I’ll just wait and see how I feel in the morning.

In other news Charlie dog had a check up at the vets yesterday morning and they are really happy with his progress. He has to go back on Friday to have his stitches taken out but he’s been such a good boy and taking all his medications even the tablets which he accidentally chews and you can see the look of disgust at the taste in his mouth! We’re hoping this is the last week he’ll need to stay on his anti-biotics which would be great because they are the hardest medications to get him to take because they are all quite big tablets so it’s hard to hide them in his food. The three gut protecting medications he takes he will probably be on for quite some time yet but at least only one of them is in tablet form, the other is a syrup and the other is a powder. So yeah I’m really happy with him, he’s definitely starting to really fight back now 🙂

I also got confirmation I have been removed from one of the university modules I was supposed to be doing this semester so I now only have the one module to do. I’ve got a huge 120 page report to read and another 50 something page one then have to write summaries of them both from a sociological viewpoint. I’m not too good at sociology but I am trying. My concentration is still really poor and I haven’t got anywhere near the amount of work done over the past couple of days that I’d hoped too. I was aiming for about five hours study a day until I’d caught up but I think I’ve done about three hours in total over the last couple of days. I don’t know why I’m finding concentration such a struggle at the moment, there’s quite a lot going on inside my head, a lot of ideas to deal with.

I’m quite restless with everything, I can’t concentrate on television programs, I can’t concentrate on reading, it’s taken me over an hour so far to write this because I keep getting distracted with other things. I just can’t seem to sit still and it’s becoming quite irritable. I don’t have a choice, I have to catch up with this course work yet after fifteen or twenty minutes of reading I realise I can’t remember a single word of what I’ve just read. And most of my notes don’t make a great deal of sense either. I don’t know how to describe it, it’s almost as if my head chitter chatter feels like it has more of a sense of importance than everything else even though I know that catching up with coursework is the most important thing right now. It’s pretty confusing and extremely annoying but then, like I said earlier, the head noise isn’t causing me distress right now because I’m doing everything in a way that keeps it happy. Ah, fuck, I don’t know the words.

I’m getting a bit irritated with myself for not being able to express what I mean properly with words. Or rather I can’t think of the right words to explain it properly. Perhaps there aren’t right words for it? I don’t know.

What I do know is that it is time for Charlie to get some more medication, then it will be time to go out in the cold and walk the dogs then back for a nice hot shower and then bed before midnight with any luck. Midnight seems like ages away but the hours just seem to fly by at the moment, with my head going from one thought or idea to the next. I don’t want it to slow down as I find it nice the things I hear and it’s nice to hear something nice for a change and it’s nice that they are happy with me but it is a little bit irritating that they seem to require so much attention. It’s actually quite tiring trying to study, taking all your medications, the dog on his strict diet and medication schedule from 8am to midnight and making sure he gets them all at the right times, taking them walks, then on top of that all these ideas, thoughts, plans to find a faith, find the right religion for me to follow. But at least I now know if I keep them happy and do these things then I get rewarded with less distressing head noise, but I do also know that they will eventually start to get impatient with me and make my head hellishly bad if I don’t prioritise correctly.

Right it’s 9.30pm now (I started writing this at 8.06pm!) and all I’ve done is ramble. Time to say goodnight I think!

13:03 – The Cord

24 Sep

(This is a poem that the Church Minister sent to me, I thought I’d share it here as it may help someone else who has lost their child.)


We are connected,

My child and I, by

An invisible cord

Not seen by the eye.

It’s not like the cord

That connects us ’til birth.

This cord can’t be seen

By any on earth.

This cord does it’s work

Right from the start

It binds us together

Attached to my heart.

I know that it’s there

Though no one can see

The invisible cord

From my child to me.

The strength of this cord

Is hard to describe.

It can’t be destroyed.

It can’t be denied.

It’s stronger than any cord

Man could create.

It withstands the test,

Can hold any weight.

Although you are gone,

Though you are not here with me,

The cord is still there

But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart.

I am bruised…I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline

As never before.

I am thankful that God

connects us this way.

A mother and child,

Death can’t take it away!

01:28 – Thomas the Train and a little bear called Bradley

24 Sep

As some of you may have noticed, I have had a desire to find the ‘right’ religion or faith for me for quite some time. I find myself picking parts from Christianity and parts from Spirituality. So on Sunday whilst still up in looney-ville I took myself down (by myself) to their Church. When I was in and out between November and February I went a couple of times then and found it quite therapeutic, they have lovely stained glass windows. Anyways, I went on Sunday and introduced myself to the Minister, she was so lovely and I felt at ease asking her for any verses or similar surrounding losing a baby. We had a nice long chat and cup of tea and she posted me out a couple of little prayers today but what really hit me and made me feel almost comforted was the extract from this little story below:


Bradley and his family lived in a beautiful house that had big tall trees all around. Bradley was getting ready for a trip. He didn’t know where he was going but he knew he was going to a ride with his friend Thomas the Train.

Now Thomas, in his life, had taken people from all over to lots of different places. He always got them to where they need to be so that they are safe and sound. 

Once on the train, Thomas took care of everything. There were bears on the train to help Thomas do his job. Some bears looked after bears; some bears played with other bears. There were bears here of all ages and from all over the world!

No one was ever sick on the train; even those little bears who were sick before weren’t sick any more. Little bears always got special treatment on Thomas because sometimes they had to travel alone. Thomas and the bears on the train that helped Thomas all kept a special eye on the little bears so that they were never lonely.

Soon Bradley was ready to go to the train station where Thomas was meeting him. Bradley’s family took Bradley to the train station. They were sad and worried because he was such a little bear to be travelling on his own. But they knew and trusted Thomas  because Thomas had been doing this job for a very long time. They knew Thomas would take good care of Bradley and make sure he arrived safely to meet his family at a new station.

It was still very hard for Bradley’s family to say good bye because Bradley wanted his family to come and they wanted to go with him. But this was a trip that Bradley had to make by himself. His family still had lots of things to do before they could get to the next station.

Bradley hugged his family a temporary good bye because Thomas promised to get Bradley to the next station where his family would meet him. Bradley’s family promised they would think about him often and always remember the short time they had together. Thomas promised the family that he would take extra good care of Bradley, and his family said they would all take care of each other.

As they cried and waved at Bradley as he stepped onto Thomas, they saw a rainbow. Someone said a long time ago, that a rainbow is a promise waiting to happen and that a rainbow will always be over little Bradley until he sees his family at the next station. 

Then they would travel the rest of the journey, together, forever.