Tag Archives: distractions

15:19 – Tougher than I thought

14 Jun

I have been really trying to keep myself busy since I last posted as the past few days have been tougher than I thought. I’m noticing that as soon as I don’t have something to do my head keeps wandering off to thoughts about the blood test results this coming Tuesday. I keep running through all the if’s, but’s and maybe’s, I keep imagining all sorts of things like how the doctors face would look and what she would say if the test came back positive. I wonder whether I should go on my own or take someone with me. I just seem to think think think, constantly running through every possible outcome and scenario in my head.

Yesterday I went to my appointment with my rape crisis support worker and she offered to come with me to get the results but then when I said it was Tuesday I had to go she realised she would be in another area at the time so she can’t come after all. I got a good bit off my chest in our appointment though and whilst I’m still terrified of getting the results, I think I’m probably also trying to mentally prepare myself for bad news. I just can’t allow myself to think “it will probably be negative” instead it’s like I have to prepare myself for the worst so that if I do get bad news I don’t fall to pieces.

So after my appointment I went to meet best friend and the kids and we decided to spend the afternoon together and go for some lunch. We went to a really nice place that felt like it was in the middle of nowhere, it was an old barn on a farm converted into a little restaurant with a kids play corner to keep them busy. After we had finished eating we got to pick some fresh rhubarb and collect the eggs the hens had been laying so it was a nice stress-free couple of hours as the kids were occupied and best friend could relax and chat without constantly having to tell them to behave. I decided to tell her about the HIV test on our way back home as the kids had fallen asleep in their car seats. She instantly offered to come with me and when I told her how worried I’ve been/still am she said I should have told her and not kept it bottled up. Anyway, at least I know now that she will come with me on Tuesday if I decide I can’t face going on my own and it helped again to get some of the worries off my chest.

We decided to take the ‘scenic route’ home and it took forever! Thankfully I had taken some diazepam in my bag because the road seemed never ending and consisted of a single track road that went on for about 20 miles but we couldn’t go faster than 30mph the whole time we were on it, plus the drop into a ditch on one side and the drop down into the water on the other side didn’t help lessen my anxiety. As we decided to stop off at a couple of places on the way home and we popped in to see best friend’s aunt for a while it ended up being 7pm by the time I finally got back home. Then of course I spent all of last night sitting here worrying myself stupid again.

This morning I had an appointment with the dietician but I didn’t hear my alarm going off and missed it so I’ll need to phone and get another one. I can’t remember if I already said this in my last post but I got a letter at the start of the week from CPN#2 asking me to make contact with her as I haven’t attended the last couple of appointments she’s given me. In fact I think that’s a good 3 or 4 weeks now since I last saw her. Needless to say I still haven’t contacted her.

Part of me actually feels like disengaging with the mental health team and just doing it alone as CPN#2 and my old psychologist (who I’m supposed to be seeing again in the near future) both want me to do this Compassionate Mind program. They both really believe that learning the skills that program teaches will help me live with less anxiety and be able to be kind to myself and soothe myself as opposed to harming myself. But I just don’t think it’s right for me, I have a really hard time in grasping the very basics and it doesn’t help matters that I have this deep seated belief that I do not deserve any compassion. So the combination of not wanting to do that work with them and the recent disaster of an appointment with the new psychiatrist last week both just leave me thinking I don’t want to work with these people, I don’t really want to see them, I don’t think I’m going to find any benefit from seeing them or from doing this whole being compassionate towards yourself shit. I am still planning on sending a letter to new psychiatrist to explain all of my concerns from our appointment but I want my support worker to help me write it (which we were going to do at yesterday’s appointment but then it was spent with me freaking about the blood test results).

Talking of the blood test results (again) I don’t know if I’m more pleased or scared that I have got through Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and now we’re on Friday so I really just need to get through the weekend now. Halfway through a long seven days. As soon as I’m finished rambling on here I need to go and get some food shopping done as my fridge and cupboards are empty. I don’t have anything planned for tonight so I’ll need to find something to do to keep me distracted and then tomorrow I need to get a card and present seeing as it’s father’s day here in the UK on Sunday. So at least I have some things to do to try and pass some more time. Hopefully the weekend will fly by for as much as I’m terrified about the results I really just want to know now one way or the other so I can deal with whatever outcome I’m given.

Right… ramble over…

Have a nice weekend folks xx

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23:36 – A stressful day

8 Feb

Today started off with me being stressed out from the moment I opened my eyes. My mobile phone was ringing and it was only about 8.30am but then I noticed it was the vets calling so answered it straightaway. She was phoning me with some bad news – she’d been having a feel of Charlie dog’s stomach and could feel what felt like a hernia – so she was phoning to tell me he needed operating on immediately. I was so worried, it was still within 72 hours of his major surgery on Tuesday afternoon and still very much in the danger zone and they were going to have to cut him back open and operate again.

I just lay there in bed crying and cuddling into my other little dog. These past 7 days since he got really poorly have been so stressful and after he had looked so well yesterday it really felt like one step forward two steps back. But thanks to his amazing vet the operation went well and she said that what had happened was a couple of his internal stitches had pulled open and a bit of bowel was poking through but she said it was easy enough just to put some new stitches in internally and then used staples externally. I went to see him at 5pm and he was a little bit tired with the painkillers and from the anaesthetic but he seemed happy to see me and his tummy looked a lot better, it was really swollen the last couple of days but after operating again it was much flatter.

So… if he is well enough to come off his IV antibiotics and fluids tomorrow and manages to take his medications in tablet form (hidden in his food!) then she said I could bring him home for a couple of hours in the afternoon if I want to see how he gets on. But I told her I was really scared because every time something has started going wrong with him it’s all happened pretty suddenly and I’m also scared that if I bring him home for a couple of hours then take him back to the vets to sleep there overnight that it will confuse him. And even though I know the vet wouldn’t be saying I could bring him home if she didn’t think he was ready I’m worried he’s not quite strong enough yet. But we’ll see how things go tomorrow.

I’ve had another busy-ish day today. I need to stay busy at the moment because as soon as I sit down and have nothing to distract me my head starts going bonkers – worrying about everything and then the thoughts start to race and then my head gets all busy and noisy and I end up feeling like I’m about to fall apart… so I have to keep doing things. Whilst I was waiting to hear back from the vet on how Charlie’s operation had gone I went to see lovely social worker and took along the work capability form to get some help with it. It was nice to see her and have a little chat, I’m glad that even though I don’t work with her any more she will still give me help with things like these forms when I need it, and to be fair she probably still knows me better than any of the other people I’ve worked with/work with.

After I left the CMHT I did intend to come home and have a shower seeing as I haven’t had one in about 3 days. But it’s now almost 11pm and I still haven’t had one because best friend phoned me when I was on my way home and asked to meet up for a little while. So I ended up meeting up with her then we went out to her Mum’s for a bit, then we went for a drive and we had a good chat which was nice. Her kids are away to stay with their Dad for the weekend so it was nice to have the peace to be able to talk to her and tell her how stressed out I was feeling and how sad I was feeling about not being able to go to my cousin’s wedding tomorrow. The afternoon went by pretty fast and before I knew it it was 5pm so we went to see Charlie at the vets for a little while then decided to go and get some takeaway food and go back to hers for a while. While we were waiting on our food I heard a man shout “fucking whore” but there was only me, best friend and one other woman in there. Then I heard it again but it sounded closer, louder, clearer. And I started to feel extremely anxious because I just knew that I was the only person hearing it. Why the fuck does my head need to be so shitty and cruel? Am I not dealing with enough at the moment without yet another voice to deal with as well? When we got back to best friend’s house it had changed from “fucking whore” to “I’ve pissed on that” when I opened my food. So I couldn’t eat it and it went in the bin. I tried not to let best friend see that something was wrong and just said I didn’t really have much of an appetite. The last thing I wanted to say to her was “I’m hearing a voice telling me he’s pissed on my food” whilst she was trying to enjoy her dinner… plus she worries that I’ll end up doing something like self harming if the voices start to make me feel distressed. So it was easier just to keep it to myself.

I think it was about 8.30pm when I left hers and came home. I’ve been trying to stay distracted watching the soaps on TV and hanging washing up and playing games on Facebook. For the moment my head feels quieter and I’m feeling quite tired so I think I’m going to take my medication and a couple of sleeping tablets then go and stand in a hot shower until the yawns start. Then I’ll get myself off to bed. I don’t want to lie in bed tossing and turning and overthinking everything – I really need a proper night’s sleep tonight.

So… fingers crossed Charlie dog has a good night and hopefully there will be no scary phonecalls tomorrow morning. I’m not sure what I’m going to do to stay distracted all weekend, I really really need to do some studying as I’ve done none all week and am going to end up really behind, but it’s just so hard to concentrate at the moment. OK before I start to ramble again I’m going to say goodnight and go for a shower.

Goodnight!

22:11 – So nervous about seeing new CPN tomorrow

26 Nov

It’s been a strange sort of day. I got to sleep relatively early last night which was good as I was awake throughout the daylight today, but I woke up incredibly anxious again this morning. That continued all morning and I kept trying to distract myself from it, I watched some old sitcoms on TV, I opened up some textbooks (but had no concentration and closed them again). I got my essay result back from the piece of utter crap I submitted a week or so ago that I would have marked as a fail but it passed with a C. Not great, but better than I thought it would get. So for our 3 smaller assessments I have passed one at a B, one with 35 out of 35 and one at a C. Now I just have to finish my coursework, do a shit load of reading and do the final ‘big’ essay with the hope I pass this module.

As I couldn’t concentrate and the anxiety was really getting to me I spontaneously decided to clean. So I scrubbed the kitchen, the overflowing pile of dishes have now been washed, all the surfaces have been cleaned and then I went and scrubbed the bathroom. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am useless when it comes to cleaning up, I hate it, I find it so boring and tedious and get no pleasure from it at all… but today I just impulsively felt like I had to clean up a bit.

After I did that I made a big decision. I was going outside today in the daytime. I was up and dressed by then, it was about noon, the dogs were looking at me with their puppy dog eyes so without giving myself a second to change my mind I put my jacket and boots on, put the dogs on their lead and went out.

And it was fucking horrible.

There were people everywhere. I had to walk past people and I could feel people looking at me, it felt like they were talking about me, I really really wanted to run back to the house but I kept going a bit further with my stomach in knots and feeling like I wasn’t breathing properly. I managed about fifteen minutes before I couldn’t take it any longer and the anxiety won – I speedily walked home with my head down.

At least the dogs got some fresh air and a run around.

I then dealt with another couple of hours of extreme anxiety, tried to distract myself by trying to do some reading again but it wasn’t happening. I washed some clothes and dried some others. I put the TV back on. The girl who I may be doing the house exchange with text me and told me she was going to go and speak to someone at the housing department about it and has got a form to fill in. I’m going (well my plan is to try and go) to the housing department myself tomorrow on my way back from seeing new CPN and see if they need me to fill anything out. The panicking started to spiral out of control during the texts back and forth and I finally had a good hard word with myself, told myself I was being pathetic, that there was no need to be getting myself into so much of a state, that if I want to stay here I only have to say no and if I want to move then the opportunity is looking like it’s there. I was actually speaking out loud to myself saying over and over that this is ridiculous and there was nothing to be so scared of.

Then, as if in some sort of test to myself, I pulled my jacket on and went to the supermarket. I walked around mostly looking at the floor, only looking up to see what I needed off the shelves, felt the anxiety rising as I got to the queue at the check out. My heart started doing that thing where it beats and you can hear it in your ears getting louder and louder then you can feel it beating in your throat. I felt like I was being watched by everyone and wanted to run from the queue, leave all my stuff right there and just run.

Somehow I forced myself to stay right where I was and then something made me look up. A familiar voice. My ex fiancé and his partner at the check out right next to me. It was so uncomfortable and my crazy head started going completely into overdrive at this point. All I could think about was how he was dressed all nice and she was in this nice dress and I was standing there in my jacket that really needs washed and no make up on and my hair scraped back and there I was panicking again, putting all my stuff into bags as quickly as possible, grabbing them, and walking as fast as I could back home.

I hate seeing him. But I live in a small town and it’s inevitable that I’m going to bump into him from time to time. I wish that it got easier with all this time that’s passed but it doesn’t. Just knowing I have to see him that one day each year on the little one’s anniversary is more than enough. It still hurts when I see them together even though my love for him is long gone. But yeah, I’m probably still bitter, even now when I see her I get little flashes of her back on that day close to 4 years ago now when she was jumping out my fiancé’s bed half dressed. That older, married mother of two, a boss in the company he worked for, her husband was our friend, and there they were… having an affair without a care for anyone but themselves.

Anyway, enough about that. I got home, I again began to panic, I tried again to study and after 3 attempts today I decided to give up for the rest of the day and try again tomorrow. This evening since about 7pm I’ve just been watching TV, trying to watch happy programs, funny ones, comedies… trying everything I can think of to try and keep the crazies at bay for a little while longer. And I’ve just managed another walk with the dogs but it was dark, quiet and cold and I coped with it a lot better than the two other times I’ve been out in public today.

And now it’s getting late again and coming to the end of another day. And the anxiety is beginning to rise inside me again because I have this appointment with the new CPN tomorrow morning and I know she’s going to ask me why I ignored the last two appointments and I don’t have a reason for her other than that I’ve been really suffering badly with anxiety and been pretty much housebound in the daytimes, that I can’t even deal with a phone call when I’m like that and that I’m sorry I didn’t get in contact. That is, if I actually make it to this appointment. I have a feeling she may not offer me any more appointments if I miss the third one as well so I’m thinking I have to go and if I’m an anxious mess then she’ll just need to see me as an anxious mess and see for herself how bad it is. But whilst I can think like that, I can also think about how much I really don’t want someone that I’ve met once to see me pacing up and down, holding my stomach when it starts churning and going in knots, taking my jacket off as I get hot flushes, the urgency to get out of the environment I’m in and come back to my safe place.

Whilst I wasn’t sure what to make of the new CPN the first time I met her I guess I have to give her a chance? I wasn’t sure what I made of the last CPN the first time I met her but she turned out to be quite nice in the end. Maybe this one will too, I just have to get there and see her to find that out. Ugh. Twelve hours to go and it will be appointment time. I guess it’s good that it’s early in the morning, even though the anxiety seems to already be there, waiting on me to wake up, at least I don’t have to sit about all day working myself up about it and can just get up (try and have a shower) put some clothes on and just go. I just keep telling myself even if I can only manage ten minutes before having to say to her that I’ve had enough and want to leave, I just need to get there and see her and maybe I’ll be able to get her to understand how much I’m struggling right now.

And if I manage that appointment then on my way home I will pop into the housing department and see what the next step is in doing a house exchange. Ugh, my stomach is going all funny just thinking about having to see and talk to two different people and both in the day light. I did it today, not the talking to anyone part but the going out part, I can do it again tomorrow, right?

*Positive Thinking*

Goodnight folks xx

19:19 – I’m a happier bunny again, a much better day :)

26 Sep

Today has turned out to be a surprisingly good day. I went to my appointment with my CPN at 1pm and she had already received notification that I had attended a&e yesterday evening and knew about the self harming. She asked what triggered it and I said I really didn’t know, it had just been building and building inside me and I needed to let it all out, that I had tried to distract myself by completing all of this coming week’s Uni work and wrote my essay so everything is complete a week in advance. But the thoughts and urges just became so intense I felt like I couldn’t fight them any longer, and so I had a slip up.

I told her I was worried that because of these two recent self harm episodes (and the fact they have been pretty close together) that this may mean she wouldn’t write a reference for me for the child befriending voluntary work that I want to do. I have my interview on Monday, the woman who runs it in my area is coming to my flat and I’m getting quite nervous! My flat isn’t looking it’s best at the moment, well at least it has all been freshly painted, but I still don’t have any proper flooring down as I am still refusing to pay out for flooring when I’m awaiting a housing transfer.

She said to me that she truly believes that doing this voluntary work is something I am already feeling passionate about and that if I was in a situation where, for example, it was a Saturday and I was feeling really down and the self harm urges began to build inside me, but I knew I had to see the child I was befriending the next day or in a few days time that I would throw myself into distracting myself as much as possible because I wouldn’t want to risk not being allowed to befriend any longer. And I think she is right, distractions can work really well, I am finding my Uni course is really helpful; combined with writing my meal plans up in advance so I have a better chance of sticking to this diet and of course looking after my fur-babies (my doggies).

She said that she still believes very much that I am walking the path towards recovery and that these recent self harm wounds have just been slip ups, and providing I haven’t done it again by the next time she sees me on 22nd October (our very final session together when I’m handed over to new CPN) then she will still write a reference for me. I do intend to be honest with the woman from child befrienders, I have already told her on the phone that I suffer with Bipolar Disorder but that I am trying to move my life forward in a positive direction. She is coming quite a long way to see me so I wanted to be open and honest from the start so I don’t waste her time and she has already told me that so long as I’m considered stable then my mental health isn’t an issue, and that a number of befrienders suffer from various illnesses but it doesn’t affect their ability to befriend.

So we had quite a good session together and then she brought in the new social worker who I will be working with for approximately 4 weeks until I start working with the new CPN at the end of October. She seemed OK, I didn’t get an overly positive vibe from her but even though I like to consider myself a good judge of character, I have learned when it comes to mental health professionals to never judge a book by it’s cover, some of the ones you initially think are going to be useless turn out to be really helpful and others that you think are going to be so helpful turn out utterly useless. Anyway, I will see how I get on with her when we have our first appointment together on October 5th.

Next week is going to be a busy one. Monday I have my child befrienders meeting/interview. Tuesday I have my first meeting with advocacy to get extra help with my housing transfer. Then later in the afternoon I have a session with the woman from rape crisis who is currently on holidays. Then on Friday I have the session with the new social worker. And in between times I have all my Uni work to do. So I should be kept pretty busy and distracted from the bad thoughts next week. Or maybe the bad thoughts will actually go away and give me a break for a little while. That would be much more preferable!

Speaking of social workers… she turned up! And we had a really long chat together, I think for about an hour and a half 🙂 I felt really nervous and awkward when she first came in the room, she felt a bit like a stranger as I haven’t seen her in so long but in no time it was back to normal, the way things had been before all of this not seeing her over the past 5 months stuff. I did ask what had happened, where had she been? And she quite honestly told me that it was entirely due to her chaotic caseload, changes in the mental health team, and it was nothing I had done wrong. She isn’t just a social worker, she is a MHO (Mental Health Officer) and she told me that she had been totally caught up in MHO duties that she hadn’t been doing general social worker stuff for ages. I didn’t feel like she was trying to fob me off with any excuses, she sat and talked and explained things to me and I understood.

We sort of talked about where we go from here, whether she discharges me or what to do for the best. We talked about was it really a social worker that I needed or a CPN and the progress I had made with the current temporary CPN I’ve been seeing. I told her all about my Uni course and where I want it to lead me to, what direction I would like my future to go in, in fact we talked about lots of stuff. In the end I said that I was OK with her not being involved in my care in a therapeutic sense, I know that I am getting a new CPN for that, and I also said I was happy for her to discharge me from her caseload but, that I would really appreciate it if she could stick around whilst we get this housing transfer sorted out. So she has even agreed to come with me to the advocacy meeting on Tuesday which made me happy that she was still willing to help me with that.

So hopefully with social worker and advocacy we can think of another approach to try and move my application for new housing along a bit. All I want is a little one bedroom house with a little garden, it’s not like I’m taking a house from someone or anything and the housing association are getting a house (flat) back from me when I move out of here. The council are sticking their heels in and saying there just aren’t any houses to move me into at the moment but I think with a bit more weight behind me and me being a bit more forceful I could at least speed up the process a little bit. You tend to find if you just start annoying the hell out of them and constantly phoning, going in, emailing etc that these people finally get fed up with you and start trying to find you somewhere quicker just to get you off their case! And I would be so much more happier out of this flat, I can’t express how much I hate living here, how scared I am that the horrible paranoia will come back, how bad it is when I’m feeling paranoid and scared and can’t go out my front door because I have to walk past all my neighbours doors and sometimes when I am really not well it’s so hard to let my dogs out for a walk. Having my own front door and a little patch of grass is all I want. And the three areas I have said I’d like to be housed in are all mainly areas with elderly neighbours, so nice and quiet instead of being right in the middle of the town with constant noise and so many drunken idiots at the weekends fighting and shouting and waking me up etc etc.

So I feel as though the awkwardness between me and social worker has finally been repaired and I understand her reasons now and I think she will try and help as best she can with the housing transfer and from there then it will probably be the right time to discharge me but at least it will be on good terms which would be much nicer.

Today has gone much better than expected and I have managed to stick to the low carbing again. A couple of boiled eggs for lunch and grilled chicken breast with brocolli for dinner and I’ve drank at least 1.5 litres of water so far today. I am noticing that this headache has come back again and I’m finding it really quite annoying but I’ve taken a couple of paracetamol and it’s calmed down a little bit. I think I remember this as being normal from the last time I low-carbed.

So I’m going to go and watch some TV and have a quiet relaxing night. Tomorrow I’m going to get started with next week’s Uni work, if I can stay a few days/a week ahead then I’ll be happy, just in case anything ever does come up where I need to take a few days off from studying and I won’t fall behind.

I have nothing much planned for tomorrow other than studying but I have to go to a&e at some point and have them check yesterdays wounds and a guy coming to replace my gas meter on Friday.

And on that note I’ve just noticed a programme I wanted to watch has already started… I am also interested to watch the programme that is on channel 4 tonight at 10pm (for UK people) it’s a live experiment of people taking drugs, tonight it is a live ecstasy/mdma experiment, should make interesting viewing!

I’m a happier bunny today, I’m glad things are finally sorted out with social worker and it was really nice to have the opportunity to chat today. I was so worried about seeing her and left feeling so much calmer. My head feels quieter tonight and I don’t have any bad thoughts swirling round my brain. So, for tonight anyway, all is good 🙂

17:33 – Drained and struggling

17 Sep

I am so tired. I had to get up at 6.30am so that I could give the bathroom a clean, have a shower, get dressed and walk the dogs for 8am when the guys were coming to rip my shower out. They didn’t even appear until 8.45am, I could have had almost another hour in bed grrr. So everything has been ripped out and tomorrow all the new stuff goes in. Can’t wait til it’s over with, I hate people being in my personal space all day even though I know it’s to make the place look nicer.

I have spent the entire day from when I woke up until about 4pm doing uni work, I have pretty much done the whole of this week’s work in one day. But I have quite a few appointments and stuff this week and I still have a textbook chapter to read so it’ll be OK. I paid the money Mum gave me into the bank this morning and went straight onto amazon when I got home and bought my one remaining textbook I need. So hopefully it should arrive in a couple of days.

I feel really drained today, more than likely due to only having about 4 hours sleep. I feel like I could just close my eyes and doze off just now but the dogs will need another walk in about an hour plus it’s only just gone 5pm and I can’t go to sleep at this time or I’ll be awake again by 11pm and awake all night – the time the crazies start to get to me.

The weather today has been so horrible, really heavy rain all day long, I’m sick of looking at it and hearing it hitting off the windows. The sky is so grey and it certainly does nothing to lift my mood.

This morning the senior charge nurse from a&e phoned me. She had just received the letter that CPN sent saying that they must inform the mental health team of every time I attend a&e. The charge nurse was like, are you sure you are happy to agree to this because normally we only share your notes with your GP and that is it. She even said to me that after the recent sexual assault for example, only a couple of members of a&e staff knew about it, that they generally don’t discuss patients with each other even if they are regular attenders like myself. I told her it hadn’t been my idea, it was CPN’s idea and I said to be honest I don’t know if I want every single time I attend a&e sent to her, because I might have to attend for something non mental health related and it will automatically go to the mental health team as well now. Plus the fact that CPN is leaving very soon, social worker is still nowhere to be seen, and I don’t know what new CPN is going to be like… I don’t know if I’m going to get on well with her and whether I’ll want them getting notes of my a&e attendances. It also means they will know every single time I self harm and when they know then they can tell Mr Psychiatrist. Then again I guess GP could do that anyway.

So I said to her that I would agree to it for the moment but when this new CPN starts if I don’t feel that I want her knowing every time I attend a&e then I’d request for the mental health team to no longer be informed. As the charge nurse said to me on the phone, I’m a 30 year old woman, I’m an adult and can make my own choices on who I want to know what about my life. She said it was extremely unusual for them to be asked to share information about patient’s attending the a&e department (as obviously it’s confidential) and to be honest she didn’t sound particularly happy about doing it, but I said I agree for now, if I didn’t agree it would only be something for CPN to moan at me about on Wednesday.

I’ve never really been sure if I like the charge nurse, she is very serious in her attitude, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her smile, but she was actually really nice on the phone and said she saw I had been up on Wednesday and had self harmed and asked how I was feeling today and I told her about seeing GP and having to give her all the tablets and that I’d be up at the a&e dept tomorrow to get my stitches taken out. She said to me to remember if I needed help to go and see them, of course I said I would, but the reason I have stayed glued to my uni stuff all day is because every time I stop just for a second I want to self harm again. Even with people in my house I wanted to do it. And I’ve fought it and fought it but I’m tired and drained and struggling now. The guys are away home, but I promised my Mum I would try and stay safe and be in one piece when they get back from their holidays next Monday. Mum text me a couple of hours ago to say they have arrived at their hotel. I can’t remember if she said it was Paros or Paxos that they were going to, it’s a really small Greek island anyway.

Argh, the self harm thoughts are so strong it is horrible. I seriously don’t want to end up in a&e tonight and I don’t want to self harm during the night then go up in the morning to have stitches out and present with a new wound. I don’t want to slip, I must fight through this, or if I really must cut maybe one little shallow one would get it out my system just for the next few hours.

Blah.

I have to be at the hospital at 9.30am tomorrow to go to the sexual health clinic for my results that I forgot to get last Tuesday. I’m assuming everything has come back clear or they would have phoned or written to me saying I need to go back and see them.

I am struggling bad right now. There is so much damage I want to do to myself yet I don’t want the consequences. I’m trying really really hard to stay distracted but I don’t know if I’m going to manage to make it without at least doing one little cut just do get the urges out.

14:00 – Yo-yo moods and trying to stay safe [Edited to add…]

16 Sep

Today I feel neither up nor down. I decided not to go out last night with my friends. It just felt too risky to take the chance of coming home filled with alcohol and not act on any bad thoughts. So I tried to do the sensible thing that would keep me safe and stayed in, watched the X Factor on TV, took my medication and finally drifted off to sleep.

Oh, I know I’m going to talk about self harming somewhere in this post and I have a feeling it may be quite graphic so just to warn you in advance that you might not want to read any further.

There was a lot of commotion going on outside last night as I was trying to get to sleep. My flat is fairly town central in the little town I live in and I could hear a whole load of arguing and screaming so went for a look out the window. I swear there was around 20+ guys maybe aged between 18 and 25 all throwing punches at each other and fighting pretty bad. I tried to take a photo of it from my window because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing… they were all right in the middle of the road and no cars could get by or anything so all the cars were just sitting in a big queue waiting to get by. It only lasted for about 20 minutes and then 3 police cars appeared, I watched six officers breaking it all up and sending them all on their way. I didn’t see anyone getting arrested, I think it was all football related as there was a game on yesterday and unfortunately in the UK football can just send people into such violent outbursts, especially when they’re drunk. I can’t stand football for that very reason.

Anyway, back to yesterday afternoon. I met with my Mum around 3pm and we went for a cuppa in a little cake shop. I managed to resist the cakes though as I was being bad enough by having a hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows. Bad… but very tasty! So I ended up telling Mum everything that’s been happening over the past week. I told her about the self harming on Wednesday, about my frustrations with my CPN and social worker, about seeing my GP on Friday and having to hand over all the tablets. I told her I didn’t want her to worry about me and wanted her to go and have a nice relaxing holiday and that I felt as though all of the bad urges were out of my system. That was a slight lie but it made her feel more at ease. She told me she knew I wasn’t in a good place from last Thursday’s CPA meeting and had already asked my brother and his girlfriend to keep an eye on me whilst they were on holiday. It feels a bit weird having my little (well not so little he is 27!) brother having to look out for me, but he works with people with both mental health problems and learning difficulties and his girlfriend’s brother suffers from pretty bad depression so they are both pretty understanding.

Mum asked me if I would think about throwing away the blades I have. She said if I could throw away the tablets I could manage the blades as well but I said to her that I only had to walk two minutes out of my front door and could just pick up another packet. But I guess that is true for the tablets as well, I know that if I wanted to I could easily get around 8 boxes in the space of half an hour just going round all the local chemists and the couple of supermarkets. But I guess it’s a case of telling myself that I don’t want them or need them and doing my best to not get any more. As for the blades, I know I will hang onto them, I’m not sure if all the self harm urges/needs/desires are out of my system. The problem with the type of blades I have is that you really don’t need to press down very hard to do some really bad damage to yourself, it’s not like the razor blades you use to shave your legs with where you cut and it bleeds a lot but the cuts stay shallow, you end up cutting right down til your pretty much exposing a muscle with these ones. Mum was like, if you have to do it could you not do it with blades that will just leave shallow cuts so they will heal and not scar and again I said I’d think about it.

My thing with self harming is that sometimes I want to feel the pain and actually the razor blades that make shallow cuts are what I use in that situation, anyone who has ever accidentally made a little shaving cut or even had a paper cut knows how much it stings. So when I want to feel actual physical pain I will cover my arms in those kind of cuts until all the bad feelings are out and then I can stop.

However I also have another type of self harm that I do when I am angry, frustrated, not coping, etc and that is when I use the stanley knife blades. I know they will do a lot of damage and I know that I will almost certainly end up needing to go to a&e and get stitches but it’s about seeing the damage, seeing the pain externally, getting some relief from the craziness in my head.

One thing I don’t do, which I know a lot of self harmers do, is wound pick. Once I’ve cut and got that feeling of relief I want the wound closed as neatly as possible. I hate scars despite being covered in them and I want them to heal as neatly as possible. So I keep the dressings on and I generally don’t look at the damage again until I’m having the stitches removed, and even then I never seem to get the feelings to cut it back open or anything. If I need to cut again I move onto another part of my body, which I know makes no sense because that’s creating yet another scar, but it’s just the way I am.

Moving on from self harm talk, my parents leave later this afternoon for their holiday. I said I would go up and see them for an hour before they leave as Mum is giving me money for one of my textbooks I need for my uni course. I managed to buy all the other ones second hand on amazon but this one I can only find in the “new” section and it’s quite expensive so Mum said she would get that one for me. So I’ll pay the money into my bank tomorrow and order it then.

I just ordered myself some vitamins called Soy Isoflavones as I have been reading a lot of things about them being good for hormonal imbalances. I have a condition called PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and I don’t have periods by myself or ovulate (produce eggs). I have to take tablets every couple of months called Provera which brings on a bleed, similar to the bleed you get if you are taking the contraceptive pill. But these vitamins get really good reviews for helping your body start to have a menstrual cycle again, they are also used a lot by women going through the menopause, so I’m going to give them a try for a few months and see if I notice any difference and if it makes me have a period by myself again. When I conceived my little man who went to Heaven I conceived him naturally, but I had lost about 4 stone in weight beforehand and I think that helped jumpstart my body a bit. I have since put all of that weight back on and I really do need to start trying to do something about it. I don’t feel healthy at this weight, I hate never being able to buy the pretty tops and dresses and things that my slim friends can all buy. I am not massive but I should be around 9 stone for my height (that’s what I was when I conceived little man) and I’m now somewhere around the 13 stone mark which isn’t so good. So I’m hoping with the combination of some proper exercise, cutting back on the junk food and trying these vitamins that my body might start working again.

I have the joiner and plumber coming tomorrow morning at 8am to start ripping my old shower and shower cubicle out and put the new ones in. So I am going to have to get up about 7am and have a shower before they get here. I will have week two of my uni course to keep me occupied for a while and will maybe go out to see best friend in the afternoon (and so I can go for a pee!)

So that’s all from me for just now. Mood is up and down, up and down, like a yo-yo. Trying to continue to distract myself from the bad thoughts and replace them with positive ones, trying to think about the future every time I feel like I want to cut, trying to remind myself of all the consequences that could happen if I cut badly again so soon after the last time.

This mental illness stuff really is no fun at all. Sometimes I get quite upset that it happened to me when nobody else in my immediate or external family has any mental health issues. But then I get upset about a lot of things that have happened to me in my life that haven’t happened to anyone else close to me. Sometimes I just think I’ve been incredibly unlucky in life so far. But I want that to change and I know there are some things that are out of my control, but I can change the things that I can control and hopefully map out a decent future for myself.

Right now I really don’t know what direction I am heading in. It seems to change hour by hour, day by day. I’m using every bit of strength I have to keep myself from slipping backwards and it’s been bloody hard work this weekend. I’ve been listening to some of my mindfulness tracks on iTunes when things are starting to slip and trying that approach to bring me back “into the moment”. It does help but when the bad thoughts get really bad, sometimes there is just no stopping them.

Like yesterday, I will carry on today taking it hour by hour, minute by minute, and try to get through another day safely.

[EDITED to add]

I was just looking at some site stats and came across this on today’s stats. Not only are they a sick cunt (excuse my language) but they have now just thrown my mind back to thinking about the assault. So thanks for that you sick bastard.

22:22 – Got some sleep at last

8 Sep

Last night I really didn’t feel in a good or safe place. Thankfully I got support on Twitter and thankfully the Nitrazepam did eventually make me feel sleepy. It was strange, I fell asleep but woke up an hour later, was awake for maybe 45 mins then asleep again but only for another hour then awake again and it pretty much continued like that through to about 4am. Then I finally got to sleep and stayed asleep until 8.30am when I heard the postman putting letters through the door and the dog barking at him (my usual morning alarm clock!) However I still felt quite tired and got back to sleep about 9.30am for another hour and then that was me up.

I met my Mum for lunch at 1pm (her treat!) and then I went for a 2 minute sunbed. I’m not using them to try and get a tan, it’s to try and help my psoriasis because the agoraphobia is preventing me from getting to the big hospital to see the dermatologist and get UV treatment there. But I am very sensitive to the sun and burn very easily, I had a 5 minute sunbed a couple of years ago and a few hours after it I began to burn very badly and was in pain for days. So I said to the woman I only wanted to be in it for 2 minutes and in a few days if I have no redness then I will have another 2 minute one, maybe on Tuesday. And just build it up really slowly, 2 minutes twice a week until my skin gets used to it then I might try a 3 minute one but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have a full 5 minutes at one time. I’m going to go and buy some sun lotion and put it all over my body where I don’t have psoriasis patches, the last thing I want is to give myself skin cancer even if I am only using the sunbed for 2 minutes at a time, I just want my psoriasis to fade.

Then Mum bought me a big notebook, some highlighter pens and some normal pens for my uni course so I can take notes when I start my first bit of reading on Monday. I am going to the parents for dinner tomorrow night and Mum is also going to buy me my first textbook that I need for my course which is almost £30! There are quite a few books I need but only one that I am going to need throughout the module, the rest I can borrow from the uni library for the chapters I need and just photocopy them or something.

I then went out to see best friend and the kids for a couple of hours and came back home about 6pm. Haven’t done much this evening, watched the X Factor on TV and messed about online. I was a bit naughty and treated myself to a glass of rosy wine – I have been good it’s been in the fridge for weeks and that’s me only just opened it. I’m hoping one little glass combined with my medication and tonight’s Nitrazepam will just make me that little bit sleepier so I stay asleep and don’t keep waking up like last night. It was a strange waking up, every time I did I felt like there was something wrong and couldn’t get back to sleep until I was sure there actually was nothing wrong.

So it’s now around medication time. I am going to take the dogs for their last walk of the night and then get into my pj’s. A night of rest and keeping distracted all day today has definitely helped my mood. Well I haven’t had time to dwell on things or think about hurting myself, I’ve been too busy so I guess that’s a good thing. I will try and make sure I do the same tomorrow and then on Monday I see the woman from rape crisis and can get things off my chest again.

Let’s hope I get another reasonably decent night’s sleep tonight and as it’s Sunday tomorrow and no post I won’t have my doggy alarm clock waking me at 8.30am. The only thing I feel a bit disappointed about today is that I still haven’t had a reply to the email I was talking about the other day, deep down I don’t think I will get one at all but it would mean a lot if I was proved wrong even if it was just to say – “I don’t know what to say but I read it”.

Hmmz… we’ll see what happens. I thought the person may still care enough to take five mins to send me a reply but maybe I’m wrong.

Protected: 20:47 – Xmas Presents, Bags Of Love (and a bit of a moan!)

23 Aug

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Protected: 01:03 – A quiet head today :D

16 Nov

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