It’s been about a week since I last posted. I haven’t felt the urge to write anything for the past few days. Nothing much has changed since the last post I wrote, just been plodding through each day trying to escape from the urges to self harm (and worse).
Yesterday however I saw new CPN again. We chatted about all the usual shit, I updated her on the status of my housing transfer application and told her I have probably annoyed the fuck out of the housing admin woman because I’ve been emailing her nearly every day telling her how bloody crazy this flat makes me feel. The housing admin woman said she needs to speak to my social worker and I left a message asking my social worker to call her but new CPN said she picked up the message and called. However the housing admin woman wasn’t there and so she could only leave a message. I would rather my social worker speak to her, she has known me a lot longer than new CPN. So really there is nothing to report about the housing transfer, hopefully next week the relevant conversations will take place and I will get another update and see if I can be awarded any more points.
New CPN was asking again yesterday about the future. “What do you want to change MCBL?” she asked. I told her I want everything to change, she told me that everything was impossible to do at once so instead to think of one thing I’d like to change. I said I hate the sight of myself, I want to lose weight. She asked if I’d ever tried before. I told her that yes, about 7 years ago I lost around 4 and a half stone (around 60lbs) by doing the Atkins diet. No/Low carb diets are frowned upon by many people but due to having PCOS and fucked up insulin it is a very effective diet for people like me. It only took me about 6 months to lose all that weight. I kept it off for about 3 years and then slowly packed it all back on again.
My body disgusts me. Rolls of fat everywhere, scars all over it, psoriasis dotted all over me, words and phrases permanently scarred on me about satan and Lucifer. The thought of anyone seeing me naked both sickens and terrifies me.
Anyway, new CPN said something which surprised me – “your determination frightens me“. I was confused and asked why. She said I have achieved so much in the past simply by really putting my mind to it and psyching myself up that she worries I could really do myself some damage if I put that same amount of effort into hurting myself. I was still a bit confused so she continued, “you have the ability to become very strong minded about a particular task, you have achieved really big things because of having that personality trait MCBL, you lost a massive amount of weight, you breezed your way through exams at school and college, you studied at degree level twice, when it has been something that you really want to do then you have let nothing stand in your way” then she stopped for a minute and then carried on to say “you have a very good personality trait there for getting things done when you find the motivation and desire to do it but that personality trait can also be very dangerous when it comes to self harm thoughts or suicidal ones” and that was why she said it frightens her.
I don’t know if any of that makes sense, it kinda did to me but then I thought if that were true then I would have overcome my agoraphobia a long time ago because I want so much to be free to travel anywhere I want again. But then I also realised that due to the intense fear and anxiety I feel when travelling I never have got to a place where I have been truly focused and psyched up to overcome it. It’s always terrified me too much. Losing weight didn’t scare me it excited me and with every pound lost I gained more motivation not less. Going to Uni and doing a degree level course didn’t scare me, it also excited me about what I could achieve for myself. But the agoraphobia – I can’t get excited about the end result because I’m so fucking scared of the panic attacks it brings.
Anyway we had a good chat for about an hour about the good and the bad things going on. She said she really wants me to turn a negative in my life into a positive. So I finally decided that losing weight, overcoming the agoraphobia and doing something that got me out of the house for a little while each day would all be positive things I could focus upon. Trying to lose weight doesn’t scare me but leaving the house and travelling anywhere do. I need to get out the house to exercise to lose weight, so I feel a bit stuck there. However I am getting better at going out and about locally and so we talked again about me seeing if there is anything starting at the small local college in August that I might like to do. And that was pretty much our entire session, I see her again next Thursday, the 31st.
I left my appointment and went straight to my parents house. I finally took my Dad’s birthday present up (only 25 days late) and lay out in their back garden sunbathing (in jeans and a long sleeved top?) and chatting to my brother for a while. Then Mum and I decided to go and get an ice cream and take the dogs to the beach. It was SO hot yesterday the dogs were constantly panting and drinking water so taking them to the beach so they could get in the cool sea water for a swim seemed to cool them down and tire them out.
After the beach Mum and I went to the local college and had a chat with the assistant manager about my situation and how I really want to try and gain a qualification as my CPN really wants me to focus on recovery. So I told the college woman that I am not 100% better but I think that having some sort of routine would help push me in the right direction and having a course to go to would help me focus my thoughts and attention on it rather than the negatives in my life all the time. I told her I would one day like to be able to work with young people affected by mental health issues and she recommended a 15 week short course called Working in the Community where you all work as a group to plan an event in your local community – it could be a fundraising event or an event to get a group of people together who all share an interest, something like that. It’s only for 15 weeks so I’m not committing to anything that’s a year long and upon completion of it you can start the year long course in youth work. So I am going to check with my local benefits office that I can do a short course without it affecting the benefits I receive, from what I have read online it looks like it should be OK but I want to double check.
There is also a year long course I could do called towards a career in childcare where you are in college two days a week and on a placement two days a week. The placement would be in a nursery or primary school and that course leads on to child development where I could either go down the route of becoming a nursery nurse or alternatively I could go down the route of becoming a special needs teacher which also interests me.
I asked if my mental health problems would affect my ability to be on a placement and she said it would be at the discretion of the course tutor once they have spoken to someone from my care team and received a clear disclosure certificate (which I will get as I have never been in trouble with the police). So I have two courses to think about and that was my ‘homework’ done for new CPN – I think she will be happy with me for going and finding out about all my options. It was also nice to spend some time with Mum again.
And that’s all my news. That was actually a longgg post considering I had nothing much to say at the beginning! It is another lovely day outside so I need to go for a cool shower and then try and get these dogs out, thankfully they are both still fast asleep as I took them out around 4am this morning. The self harm urges are still very much here, Lucifer is still chattering away, but I’m plodding along determined to get through the weekend with no trips to a&e.