Tag Archives: crisis plan

18:25 – ‘Early warning signs’

17 Nov

Things really aren’t good at the moment. I remain behind with my uni work, completely unable to focus on it or concentrate. As soon as I open a textbook page to start reading my head starts thinking about everything else that I’ve messed up. The diet that started off so well, the start of the weight loss and then gaining it all back again. Not going to the gym for a couple of weeks now. Missed my first two appointments with new CPN, she left me a voicemail after missing her again yesterday asking me to phone her before she sends out another appointment but I just can’t see the point.

I feel very low. Very depressed and very unable to do anything. My days consist of nothing. Well nothing apart from my racing thoughts and the thoughts are so fast and strong that I just can’t do any one single thing. Those hopes and goals I had that by Christmas I would be a dress size smaller and would have completed my first module exam and they both seem like they are impossible to achieve now. I have three weeks to write a long detailed essay and complete module #1. Then Christmas break and then two more modules between January and June. Then Summer break then back to it all in August/September time.

To get an honours degree you need to complete 6 modules for each year, so 24 modules in total and a dissertation and that would take you 4 years to achieve. I’m doing it part time, 3 modules a year so it’s going to take me 8 years to achieve. By the end of my first year I’m only really six months in, will still have 21 modules and seven years to go. It’s such a long time. I don’t know that I have the belief in myself that I can do this. Only 11 weeks in and already so behind with everything. We are just starting week 11’s work tomorrow and I’m only on week 9. I just can’t seem to do it, do anything in fact at the moment.

I don’t know why I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself when I should be opening one of my textbooks and reading and taking notes. I should be blasting my way as fast as possible through week 9 and 10’s work and getting myself up to date. If I get any further behind I’m not sure if it will actually be possible to catch up. And I have had all week, every day as full days to be doing this work, I have no one to blame but myself. I haven’t even been attending appointments so it’s not like I’ve been in and out with having to go to them. I have seen my best friend once in the past couple of weeks and it was for no time at all. I don’t think I’ve seen my parents since my birthday at the end of October so I said I would go there for dinner tomorrow.

Everything just feels like it’s slipping away and I can’t catch it. I need to get back on course for uni work, I must not fail this exam, if I do then that is going to knock my last tiniest bit of confidence that I have left in myself… cannot let that happen… Best friend commented how proud she was of me for not being admitted to hospital yet this year as it usually starts around my birthday when everything goes downhill then finally starts to perk back up around March/April time. And it is all going downhill but I will not be hospitalised this year, I’m just going to have to deal with it all… I don’t know how yet but there must be a way…

Now the sensible thing to do would be to say to myself that I am going to do an hour or two of studying tonight and then the same tomorrow afternoon but I just know it won’t happen. Last night I just lay for hours staring at the ceiling, not even watching TV or listening to music… just lying here and staring. That’s all I seem to do.

I’m still no further forward with my housing transfer request either, I submitted a new form with more detailed answers a few weeks ago and heard back from them saying I still had the same low amount of points so that was quite disheartening… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to escape this flat, this sofa sleeping situation, the cold sheets of mdf that currently act as flooring.

I’m back to that place again where I want to give up. This same place I always arrive at over these “risky months” where I just can’t see the light or the future in anything and start to get sucked right into the crazy world, the fucked up thoughts, the bad behaviours and reaching that breaking point yet again. Can I stop this from happening? I guess that remains to be seen. I still haven’t self harmed, I’m still resisting the urge, but this now scares me as I have held it in for that long that I know if the time comes where I do it – and do it with my head being in a crazy place – then the result is going to be a bad injury.

I’m sorry, I’m rambling and full of some sort of self pity, feeling sorry for myself, I need to get a fucking grip and turn things back around to the way they were at least semi productive (even if not particularly happy) a couple of months ago.

In my crisis plan which I revised for new CPN a couple of weeks ago (but haven’t gone to see her since) – in my “warning signs” section it says –

  • anxiety, panicking and worrying about things
  • lose interest in the future/have bad thoughts about the future
  • lose concentration, focus and motivation
  • not able to sleep properly
  • feeling very irritable
  • self isolating/don’t want to see anyone
  • ignore phone calls/texts
  • everything feels very negative
  • don’t attend appointments
  • self harm, suicidal thoughts and racing thoughts occur

Looks like I could put a tick next to every single one of them right now.

What do I need to do differently if I encounter these situations?

  • contact someone and share how I’m feeling rather than trying to cope alone and self isolating
  • try to speak to someone before acting upon thoughts that lead to self harming or other dangerous behaviours
  • try to do something that makes me happy and contented – try to calm down and diffuse the situation in my head

I don’t think I will see anyone tonight but perhaps I could make a call and get some things off my chest. I don’t know I guess I’ll see how tonight goes. I know I will probably not be honest with my parents tomorrow over dinner, I’ll probably admit to being a little bit behind with stuff and admit to that stressing me out but I doubt I will tell them the full truth about being two weeks behind, not attending my appointments, not going to the gym, not going out the house apart from when it’s dark in the late afternoon, evening, during the night, early in the morning. But then they will probably find out about not attending appointments when they ask how I’m getting on with new CPN and I either need to lie and say fine, or tell the truth that I’ve only seen her once then missed the second and third appointment.

And when one truth comes out then a second one is usually close behind until I realise I’m back there again… Or should that be back ‘here’ again…

 

 

 

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18:48 – Meeting new CPN & how everything has gone to fuck

1 Nov

Everything is fucked up right now. My head being the main part of ‘everything’. I am struggling so hard to find any concentration, motivation or focus on anything. I had a tutorial for my uni course yesterday afternoon and I felt like I didn’t have a clue about what to say so just sat there quietly reading it all. I am contemplating emailing my student advisor and just making her aware that things aren’t good right now, but I’d rather just see if I can push on with some of my reading and see if I can narrow the gap a bit.

Yesterday I also had a support session with the woman from rape crisis and we are starting to talk more in detail now about how I am still affected from my childhood abuse and the assault in August has just kinda catapulted back a load of old hidden away memories. She frequently asks why I don’t feel deserving of things or why I play down achievements when I should be letting myself be excited or proud of myself or whatever.

I met my new permanent CPN today. I’m not entirely sure yet what I make of her. She was doing my head in at times because she kept saying all this shit about how I was “articulate and intelligent” and then making me feel like I couldn’t tell her how I was feeling because it was all going to sound crazy. And she’s telling me I’m this “intelligent young woman”… At times it felt almost patronising like at one point she asked me to explain how my anxiety makes me feel and when I said the word “paranoid” she then made me explain what paranoia meant and kept saying things like it was a “huge word” and a word used to describe “people who are very unwell” and all this shit and I just completely lost interest in whatever she was going on about. She then dragged up my old crisis plan and gave me a copy of it with a blank crisis plan and she wants me to fill it in for when I see her next Friday. I cannot be fucked even looking at it.

I have been eating takeaways. I’m 1-2 weeks behind on my uni course. My thoughts race too fast. I’m constantly thinking about self harming. I’m also constantly thinking that I can’t cope in this world, it’s all overwhelming me and I just want to run away and hide for a while. It feels like everything has gone to fuck, the weight loss is currently weight gain…. the uni course has gone from a great distraction to a massive worry… the housing transfer application has gone from me feeling hopeful to completely hopeless… Christmas is just around the corner so the TV adverts are starting up, the shop windows will soon be full of Santa’s and the little Elves and Reindeer and toys and it will be another ‘festive’ season to get through both single and childless (but with a very bright shining star in the sky).

Ugh I just completely and utterly feel like who am I kidding? I’ll never get the career I want, I can’t stay stable enough for more than a month before everything in my life starts to go tits up again. Or everything in my head does. And I know it’s too soon to say but I just got a first impression from her that I am going to find her very annoying with all her “you can do anything…” – “you’re so articulate…” – “you are doing so well with your recovery…” Just like shut up. Seriously. I don’t want to hear those things, it makes me uncomfortable, I don’t like any type of praise, I don’t deserve it, please STOP saying it!!!

I so want to do something bad. I’m not entirely sure what, but my brain is squirming with ideas from the ‘little-bit-bad’ end of the scale to the ‘see-you-in-the-next-lifetime’ scale. I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel like I want to be here. I don’t feel like any of the craziness in my head is ever going to go away permanently… I truly believe that this is it for me now… A future of dipping in and out of craziness, a life time of anti-psychotic medication, a head that goes so fast I can’t keep up or so slow I feel like I have been set to operate in slow motion. Things are spiralling… I’m just not sure in which direction.

 

20:48 – I think I’ve made it

11 Feb

I swore I wouldn’t use any heavy drugs today, I wouldn’t do that on my little one’s special day and I think I’ve made it. I haven’t used anything nor had a drink. I’ve faced the entire day clean and sober and I’ve got through it. I’m proud of myself, there have been many testing moments today and it would have been so easy to go and get completely smashed to block it all out but I didn’t. I made a promise to myself and I stuck to it.

Seeing my ex this morning was bloody hard. He insisted on asking me questions about my life and I, like an idiot, answered him. Inside my head was screaming ‘it’s none of his fucking business!’ but I kept on my fake smile and chatted to him as though none of it bothered me. Afterwards I went to my best friend’s house for a little while then came home around lunch time. I hadn’t taken my meds this morning because I’d been in a rush and I could feel my head crying out for some Quetiapine to calm it down again. I’m only on a low dose as I’ve just restarted it but I tend to find the low doses are the ones which make me quite sleepy so I slept from about 4pm til 7pm.

When I woke up all I could think about was either going to score or going and buying a bottle of vodka or something but I have so far resisted all urges. My Mum is coming early tomorrow to help me clean my flat as I’m having new central heating and a new kitchen fitted over the next couple of weeks so I need to give the place a good clean up.

I feel a bit rubbish because it’s also my brother’s birthday today and I didn’t go up with a card or anything for him because my head was all over the place. Once I got home today I was a bit of an emotional mess for quite a while, until I fell asleep. I feel pretty emotional again just now but won’t let it turn into a crisis. I will not abuse drugs, I will not drink, I will not cut, I will not do anything to harm myself and wake up tomorrow regretting it all. I will let my angel have his special day and apart from some tears not look down on his Mummy destroying herself.

So it’s almost 9pm and I think I’ve made it through the day in one piece. If my mood becomes lower I will follow my crisis plan and make contact with someone, my friend or use someone like the Samaritans for support. I know I don’t need to face this alone but I really just want to be alone with my thoughts and memories tonight…

I miss him so much 😦

Protected: 00:06 – The pressure is on…

15 Mar

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Protected: 17:25 – I hate being ill :(

13 Nov

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