Tag Archives: college

17:26 – Just fucking crazy

1 Aug

Things really aren’t good at the moment. I feel like everything is too much and I can’t deal with it all. I so want to be positive and think I can do this college course but something deep inside is saying that I can’t do it, I’m not strong/clever/intelligent enough. I find myself just sitting here thinking that nothing makes any great deal of sense, I know what I want but I don’t have enough faith in myself that I can achieve it all.

I am in a huge amount of debt to my parents, I am 30 years old and they still have to bail me out every time I fuck something else up. I am still living in this one room and bills seem to be hitting me left right and centre. I wake up and am not even sure that I’m actually here, I have to like pinch myself to see if I’m actually alive. Today I walked the dogs in a complete daze, I picked up my weekly prescription and tried to sort out the ongoing saga with my boiler that keeps blowing fuses. My phone kept ringing from the gas people who keep saying they are going to disconnect me if I do not pay my bill. I paid a bit of it off last week, I paid a bit more of it off today, I had to borrow yet more money from my parents… Fuck is any of this actually making any sense because it’s not to me.

Let me try and put things into some sort of an order.

Firstly my boiler keeps breaking down. It was brand new fitted in February and I had no problems with it until last week when it blew a fuse. Then it got fixed then it blew again. The housing association whom I rent my flat through then had to debate whether to get the manufacturer to pay for the part as it is still under warranty or whether to get a local company to get the part. Anyway I don’t know what they have decided, all I know is I have no central heating or hot water. And they aren’t going to be able to permanently fix it until tomorrow at the earliest, they phoned me today to say it might even take until Monday – how the fuck am I supposed to manage with no heating or hot water for almost a week??

Whilst this is going on, I have the gas company chasing me for money for my first bill that I hadn’t paid on time. Every morning letters coming in saying they are going to disconnect me – it’s fucking broken anyway I don’t even have any gas! So I paid a bit of the bill last week and paid more today, for which I had to ask my parents for a loan of money. Pathetic at 30 I still need my parents to bail me out.

I’ve not been able to leave the house properly for the past few days because they keep saying they might be round to fix my boiler then never appear. Today they finally confirmed they wouldn’t have the part needed until tomorrow at the earliest. I know I am repeating myself a lot here but I need to write it all out.

My Dad said he would come down next weekend to paint my flat for me so it will be all freshly painted as and when they come to do a housing inspection for my housing transfer that I am still waiting for and still seem no closer to getting.

College course. Everyone saying they are so proud of me. People saying I am getting better. I’m not, my head is fucked. Boilers breaking, not knowing when they are going to fix it, hating having workmen coming and going from my flat and being in my space. Letters from people saying I owe money to them, I have no money, I borrow money from my parents and have no idea when I will ever be able to repay it. I try and pay little bits to everyone so they all have something but the total balances never seem to clear. I have a week to go until I get my next lot of benefits money and already it is all paid out on bills. It’s a never ending cycle of debt and misery.

I try and blank it out and go get myself ridiculously drunk. Because alcohol is really going to help right? And then I feel ill and messed up and hungover and back to that place where nothing makes any sense. Back to that place where I think I am unable to achieve anything and constantly doubt my ability to do this college course that hasn’t even fucking started yet. Worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet. Crazy thoughts, constantly.

I pack a bag and decide I want them to cart me away because I can’t cope any more and then realise I can’t go back down that path again, so instead I sit and cry. Again, nothing makes sense to me, the phone rings, people want things from me, people want to see me and I can’t leave the house. I am trapped by my own craziness. It’s all so fast and so random and so nonsensical.

Why can’t it just be an easy list like:

  • Boiler needs repaired
  • Flat needs painted
  • I have debts to take care of
  • I need a housing transfer
  • I am starting a college course

They all blend into one, they all mix up, I am left feeling crazy and start having the crazy thoughts. That I shouldn’t be here, that I’m not even here, that my life is just pretence. Then I pinch myself and sure enough I am here, I am alive, I am living in this mess. Living, surviving, not coping. But trying to appear as though I am coping so superbly well to those around me. Wanting people to be proud of me even though I don’t think I’m going to be able to achieve the things I have to do to make them proud.

See, this post makes no sense, it’s all mixed up and back and forth and that is how my head is. A complete rollercoaster of emotions. Up down, up down, inside out, outside in. Wanting to achieve but no faith. Trying to keep these companies happy and live on next to no money. A diet that consists of bread and beans most days. Borrowing from my parents just to get by for another few days. Cold, no heating. Workmen invading my space. Fixing things then things breaking again. Always needing to come back, I don’t want them back I want them to fix it for real then fuck off out my space.

I get a slap of reality that I am here. I am alive. I am existing. This is my life. I hate it. I want out. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know how to feel ok again. Everything feels out of control, how do I get it back under control? What happened in the past few weeks where everything was so positive to ending up like this?

Life is fucking crazy. Too crazy. Back to looking for ways to self medicate myself through this for another 24 hours. Falling apart, pulling myself back together. Not having a fucking clue where it’s all going or when it’s going to stop. Voices? Are they back? I’m sure I hear them. Do I hear them? I don’t know. I hear something. I don’t know what is real anymore.


01:24 – The calm and the storm

20 Jun

I decided to go to my appointment with my CPN today. I got there at 1pm and literally opened the door and she was standing right there about to walk out. She just looked at me and said “I’m really sorry but as I told you on the phone there is something I need to go to and unfortunately I need to prioritise it over our appointment”. I just looked at her with an extremely pissed off face and snapped at her “fine”. I turned to walk out and she put a hand on my shoulder and said she would give me a lift back home, I pushed her hand away and snapped “do you know what, just don’t bother OK” and I stormed off home in a very bad mood. I felt so let down, right now I obviously can’t talk to my Mum about how low I’ve been feeling as due to all the stuff happening with my Aunt my Mum is going through a ‘life is so precious’ type of attitude (rightly so in the circumstances) – but – MY life doesn’t feel precious, it feels like a total waste of time right now to be honest.

I got back home and burst into tears. I felt like I needed to talk/vent so badly and there was no-one there to listen. My CPN only works part time, two days a week and wouldn’t be back until next week, so I was left feeling like she didn’t really give a damn and I felt like I was going to explode with all these mixed up crazy feelings going on inside me. It felt like she didn’t care, I understood that sometimes she has to prioritise but it was only 1pm and I couldn’t see why she couldn’t see me at all before going home today. So needless to say I sat in a proper shitty mood for the next hour or so and then my mobile starting ringing – it was her. She said the situation she’d had to attend wasn’t going to take all afternoon like she had thought and asked me if I’d like to meet her after another hour. I still felt angry with her but knew I needed the appointment so I said yes I’d like to see her. So two and a half hours after we were supposed to meet I got my appointment.

She picked me up in the car and we went to the marina and got a drink and sat by the sea. I told her how crap I was feeling and how close I’d been to overdosing last night. I was honest with her and told her that whilst I had no more blades in the house I did have a lot of medication in my cupboard. She said that there was no point in her asking me to get rid of them or give them to her because she knew I could just go to the shops and stock up on more. But she did ask me to think about getting rid of some of them (which I won’t, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to take them).

She asked me what I thought had changed from last week when I seemed so much more positive and I told her I really didn’t know. The only reason I could think of is that I felt incredibly alone at the moment with these really depressing thoughts and didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone because I don’t want to cause my family any more stress. We were sitting in the little harbour area and there were a few small boats tied up. She said to me that when the weather was nice people untied their little boats and went out on them, enjoying them, spending time on them. But when it gets a bit stormy the little boats get tied up in the harbour to protect them from the storm and keep them safe. I knew what she was getting at, and she carried on to say that I’ve been doing well lately just like when the water is gentle and the boats are out being enjoyed, but to think of my mood at the moment as a storm where I need to do what I can to keep myself safe. She asked me if I’d like to go back into hospital until the storm passed and I said most definitely not. I never want to go back to that place. Never.

I just don’t get how my mood has changed so drastically and so quickly. It makes me wonder if my mood really did get better at all or if I just kept smiling because I knew that’s what people wanted/needed to see. I find myself wondering all the time what my purpose in life is – back before I lost my son I thought my future had been decided – my role was going to be a Mummy. Now I have this empty void inside me that nothing can fill. Sometimes I wish I had a career that I loved and could throw myself into and be good at. Sometimes I think maybe my destiny was just to have 30 years in this world and then slip away quietly.

So CPN is forgiven and I see her again next Thursday. I hope from now until then my mood will lift but right now it doesn’t feel that likely. I just keep trying to hang onto that thought of how it would affect my parents right now if I tried to end my life. I don’t think they could cope with that whilst also coping with my Aunt’s cancer. It’s strange, when something happens like a family member being diagnosed with the big C, you automatically think ‘are they going to survive this?’ and suddenly life becomes so very important. I too panicked when I heard my Aunt’s news and the same thoughts went through my head (and still are going through my head) – is she going to survive this? Her life seems important, she is a mother, she has recently become a grandmother, she is a wife, she has so many roles and is loved by so many people.

But what is the purpose of my life? What is my role? What will fill the emptiness, the loneliness, the huge hole inside me? Will applying to college or doing some voluntary work give me a sense of purpose again? I know the only way I will know is to try but today I just don’t have the motivation at all. I know what I would like to have a career in, I just don’t know if I can stay stable and strong enough to gain the qualifications needed.

Sometimes it all just feels like it will always come back to this. Not quite square one, but it certainly feels like one step forward and two steps back. I did feel a bit better in the end for seeing my CPN but I have 8 days now until any other appointments and I’ve no idea if they are going to run smoothly or be one big struggle.

15:29 – When you just want to run and hide til everything is better

13 Jun

It’s been a while since I last wrote anything. In a way I feel as though I’ve lost the ability to express myself – my head feels all over the place at the moment as there is so much going on.

Everything was going good and I was feeling quite positive about enrolling on the college short course that I want to do. I had an appointment with the psychiatrist a week ago (last Wednesday). He was really happy to hear me talking positively about the future and for the first time in a very long time I was able to tell him that whilst I am still hearing voices they are not distressing me at the moment. I told him it’s like I’ve become so used to them that it’s easier now to just let them be there and not pay attention to them. They aren’t saying anything bad about me or to me, so that is good.

I’m now on 500mg a day of Quetiapine and feel like it’s a good dose for me at the moment. I can go up to 750mg but I’d rather stick at this dose so that I know I have room to increase should I need it. My psychiatrist is retiring at the beginning of September so I have my last appointment with him in August, but we have another CPA meeting on July 5th which he will be at. He told me they haven’t recruited a new consultant psychiatrist yet so right now no one knows if it will be male or female or anything like that.

It was a busy day last Wednesday. As well as seeing the psych I also had an appointment with my CPN who I’m starting to like. It’s a shame that she is only on a temporary contract but I’m getting used to people coming and going. It would be good to have proper consistency but where I live is a rural area and not many people (professionals) seem to stick around for the long term. The appointment with her was good, she was really happy to hear I have decided which course I’m going to study and that I had checked I can do the course and still receive my benefit money. It’s only a 15 week short course from August until December but in January I can study a couple of modules through home learning until the next course starts in the August again.

I also had my appointment to have my x-rays done on my right knee. I phoned the GP surgery a little while ago to see if the results were back and the receptionist said they were back and marked as ‘no action required’. Argh, frustrating! How can it be so sore, locking and clicking and giving way on me yet nothing showed up on the xray? My GP did say that she thinks I may have Psoriatic Arthritis which generally doesn’t show on xrays in the early stages but sent me for the xrays anyway to rule out other forms of arthritis.

“In the very early stages of the disease, X-rays usually do not reveal signs of arthritis and may not help in making a diagnosis. In the later stages, X-rays may show changes that are characteristic of psoriatic arthritis but not found with other types of arthritis, such as the “pencil in cup” phenomenon where the end of the bone gets whittled down to a sharp point. Changes in the peripheral joints and in the spine support the diagnosis of psoriatic arthritis. However, most of the changes occur in the later stages of the disease.”

She put me onto Tramadol and paracetamol for the pain. But they were making me feel more sick so I stopped taking them. Even if I take Omeprazole with them I still feel sick. Now unfortunately my GP is on holiday this week and next week so I will either have to wait a couple of weeks to discuss it further or go and see one of the other two doctors, neither of whom I like or find helpful.

Apart from my sore knee joint I need to go and see a GP anyway, I have been really unwell since Saturday and haven’t eaten for five days now. I have a complete loss of appetite and am just taking little sips of sugary drinks to keep me from feeling faint. But I am constantly nauseous and when I try to eat anything I just throw up so for the past few days I just haven’t bothered to try and eat.

I think the sickness and loss of appetite could all be anxiety related. I am experiencing a lot of panic attacks at the moment and am barely sleeping. I keep having really intense dreams/nightmares and waking up every couple of hours in a mess. My body is so used to taking Diazepam on a daily basis that it doesn’t even help the anxiety anymore (unless I take about 4 times my prescribed amount). Where has the anxiety come from? Well I got some really bad news on Friday. A close family member has just been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She is going into hospital tomorrow for a complete hysterectomy and lymph node removal. Everyone in my small family is rallying around to be there for her and all I can do is send texts and make phone calls because of the fucking agoraphobia. I feel so useless and I want to be there for her as the next few months are going to be so tough. After the operation tomorrow she will soon be starting on chemotherapy. She is a mess, her husband is a mess, my parents are a mess, my Gran is a mess, her children are a mess… no one can quite take it all in. They can all be there for her in person, they can visit her in hospital and at home. I can’t. I am pathetic that this phobia has taken over so much of my life in the past six or so years. I feel like I’ve turned myself into a bit of an outcast from the rest of my family, I only see them when they come here to visit me. I saw my CPN earlier today and she is so optimistic that I will overcome the agoraphobia but I’m so terrified of it that I can’t ever see me being free of it.

So that’s everything that’s been happening. Life is feeling pretty shit at the moment and I’m struggling massively to deal with the high levels of anxiety I’m experiencing. A week ago I was feeling so positive and now all I want to do is escape from it all. How selfish of me to say that when someone so close to me is so ill. Deep down I think I’m terrified that something bad could happen and all the family will need to pull together and I won’t be able to. If I feel this stressed and anxious, God only knows how she must be feeling as she is the one who has a big operation to go through tomorrow and months of chemo afterwards.

I just want everything to be OK again. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take away her horrible diagnosis. I wish I could magic away my anxiety. I wish I would stop being sick every day. I wish I could sleep properly. I wish the pain in my knees would stop.

Hopefully in the next couple of days we will know how far the cancer has spread and I’m praying they have caught it early. Everything is so stressful right now that I just want to run away and hide until someone can say to me that everything is going to be OK.

14:03 – Seeing CPN & thinking about the future

26 May

It’s been about a week since I last posted. I haven’t felt the urge to write anything for the past few days. Nothing much has changed since the last post I wrote, just been plodding through each day trying to escape from the urges to self harm (and worse).

Yesterday however I saw new CPN again. We chatted about all the usual shit, I updated her on the status of my housing transfer application and told her I have probably annoyed the fuck out of the housing admin woman because I’ve been emailing her nearly every day telling her how bloody crazy this flat makes me feel. The housing admin woman said she needs to speak to my social worker and I left a message asking my social worker to call her but new CPN said she picked up the message and called. However the housing admin woman wasn’t there and so she could only leave a message. I would rather my social worker speak to her, she has known me a lot longer than new CPN. So really there is nothing to report about the housing transfer, hopefully next week the relevant conversations will take place and I will get another update and see if I can be awarded any more points.

New CPN was asking again yesterday about the future. “What do you want to change MCBL?” she asked. I told her I want everything to change, she told me that everything was impossible to do at once so instead to think of one thing I’d like to change. I said I hate the sight of myself, I want to lose weight. She asked if I’d ever tried before. I told her that yes, about 7 years ago I lost around 4 and a half stone (around 60lbs) by doing the Atkins diet. No/Low carb diets are frowned upon by many people but due to having PCOS and fucked up insulin it is a very effective diet for people like me. It only took me about 6 months to lose all that weight. I kept it off for about 3 years and then slowly packed it all back on again.

My body disgusts me. Rolls of fat everywhere, scars all over it, psoriasis dotted all over me, words and phrases permanently scarred on me about satan and Lucifer. The thought of anyone seeing me naked both sickens and terrifies me.

Anyway, new CPN said something which surprised me – “your determination frightens me“. I was confused and asked why. She said I have achieved so much in the past simply by really putting my mind to it and psyching myself up that she worries I could really do myself some damage if I put that same amount of effort into hurting myself. I was still a bit confused so she continued, “you have the ability to become very strong minded about a particular task, you have achieved really big things because of having that personality trait MCBL, you lost a massive amount of weight, you breezed your way through exams at school and college, you studied at degree level twice, when it has been something that you really want to do then you have let nothing stand in your way” then she stopped for a minute and then carried on to say “you have a very good personality trait there for getting things done when you find the motivation and desire to do it but that personality trait can also be very dangerous when it comes to self harm thoughts or suicidal ones” and that was why she said it frightens her.

I don’t know if any of that makes sense, it kinda did to me but then I thought if that were true then I would have overcome my agoraphobia a long time ago because I want so much to be free to travel anywhere I want again. But then I also realised that due to the intense fear and anxiety I feel when travelling I never have got to a place where I have been truly focused and psyched up to overcome it. It’s always terrified me too much. Losing weight didn’t scare me it excited me and with every pound lost I gained more motivation not less. Going to Uni and doing a degree level course didn’t scare me, it also excited me about what I could achieve for myself. But the agoraphobia – I can’t get excited about the end result because I’m so fucking scared of the panic attacks it brings.

Anyway we had a good chat for about an hour about the good and the bad things going on. She said she really wants me to turn a negative in my life into a positive. So I finally decided that losing weight, overcoming the agoraphobia and doing something that got me out of the house for a little while each day would all be positive things I could focus upon. Trying to lose weight doesn’t scare me but leaving the house and travelling anywhere do. I need to get out the house to exercise to lose weight, so I feel a bit stuck there. However I am getting better at going out and about locally and so we talked again about me seeing if there is anything starting at the small local college in August that I might like to do. And that was pretty much our entire session, I see her again next Thursday, the 31st.

I left my appointment and went straight to my parents house. I finally took my Dad’s birthday present up (only 25 days late) and lay out in their back garden sunbathing (in jeans and a long sleeved top?) and chatting to my brother for a while. Then Mum and I decided to go and get an ice cream and take the dogs to the beach. It was SO hot yesterday the dogs were constantly panting and drinking water so taking them to the beach so they could get in the cool sea water for a swim seemed to cool them down and tire them out.

After the beach Mum and I went to the local college and had a chat with the assistant manager about my situation and how I really want to try and gain a qualification as my CPN really wants me to focus on recovery. So I told the college woman that I am not 100% better but I think that having some sort of routine would help push me in the right direction and having a course to go to would help me focus my thoughts and attention on it rather than the negatives in my life all the time. I told her I would one day like to be able to work with young people affected by mental health issues and she recommended a 15 week short course called Working in the Community where you all work as a group to plan an event in your local community – it could be a fundraising event or an event to get a group of people together who all share an interest, something like that. It’s only for 15 weeks so I’m not committing to anything that’s a year long and upon completion of it you can start the year long course in youth work. So I am going to check with my local benefits office that I can do a short course without it affecting the benefits I receive, from what I have read online it looks like it should be OK but I want to double check.

There is also a year long course I could do called towards a career in childcare where you are in college two days a week and on a placement two days a week. The placement would be in a nursery or primary school and that course leads on to child development where I could either go down the route of becoming a nursery nurse or alternatively I could go down the route of becoming a special needs teacher which also interests me.

I asked if my mental health problems would affect my ability to be on a placement and she said it would be at the discretion of the course tutor once they have spoken to someone from my care team and received a clear disclosure certificate (which I will get as I have never been in trouble with the police). So I have two courses to think about and that was my ‘homework’ done for new CPN – I think she will be happy with me for going and finding out about all my options. It was also nice to spend some time with Mum again.

And that’s all my news. That was actually a longgg post considering I had nothing much to say at the beginning! It is another lovely day outside so I need to go for a cool shower and then try and get these dogs out, thankfully they are both still fast asleep as I took them out around 4am this morning. The self harm urges are still very much here, Lucifer is still chattering away, but I’m plodding along determined to get through the weekend with no trips to a&e.