Tag Archives: behind with uni work

16:25 – A bit of a messed up day so far

24 Feb

Well I messed up. I had planned to go to Church this morning for the service at 10.30am to say thank you to God for helping me in my prayers and also to see what that Church is like as I go through my “trying to find the right faith for me” thingy.

But last night best friend phoned and asked me if I was going out for some drinks with a little group of them. I went to say no and before I got the chance she said “you promised you would come out this weekend, you’ve not had a night out since like Christmas time”. Then I remembered that I did indeed promise I would go for a night out with her. So I said that I would go.

Everyone went to her house to get ready to go out, there was the usual commotion of clothes and make up everywhere, mirrors propped up on tables, music blaring, the air a mix of hairspray, perfume and cigarette smoke. Oh and a nice big litre bottle of Russian vodka and a bottle of Limoncello (to do shots with) were both sitting on the kitchen worktop waiting to be drunk. Before I’d even got my clothes changed I’d already had 2 shots of Limoncello and a large vodka and coke. When I was doing my make up I knocked back another few shots. When I was straightening my hair another large vodka and coke went down the hatch. And by the time we left to get our lift into town I was a little bit tipsy and looking forward to a good night out.

It was around 11pm when we got to the first pub – the norm here is to get at least a little bit drunk before even going out because the pubs don’t really get busy until around midnight, then they get so busy you can hardly move by the time they close at 2am. So yeah the first pub was shit, it was just full of guys playing pool so we had one drink and one shot and then left.

Pub number two was busier and had some decent music playing so we had quite a few drinks in there and some shots and then onto the obligatory jaeger-bombs. Around 12.30 we left and went onto pub three as everyone (apart from me) wanted to go dancing – I don’t do dancing these days – I hide in corners and drink and keep my eye on everything going on around me. Paranoia? No self confidence? Scared of being ‘spiked’ and hurt again? I think all three are correct. So I stood in my corner and watched them all dance and have fun and I started feeling really out of place, like I just didn’t fit in. So about 1.30am I called it a night and came home to walk the dogs and get into bed. I felt pretty drunk but managed to avoid the usual vomiting that follows any time I drink these days. Then again I suppose that much alcohol combined with all the medications I take makes vomiting a pretty likely scenario!

This morning I didn’t wake up until 11.15am as I’d forgotten to set my alarm to 8am to get up and do Charlie dog’s medication. So I quickly got up and got his first one done, threw some clothes on and took them a short walk. By the time I’d done his third morning medication and given them some food my head was absolutely pounding and my hangover was in full swing.

After I’d walked the dogs and fed them and sorted medications and all that stuff I realised it was almost noon and I had missed Church. I felt so bad and before the head chitter chatter even kicked off I immediately started to pray and apologised for failing this morning and promised I would do better next week. But that wasn’t enough and by about 1.30pm the chitter chatter was noisy. Very noisy and very unimpressed with me. Told me to try harder, to do better, to prove myself before things would turn very nasty for me. Reminding me of the powers that God has and how they could make him use those powers to cause me complete and utter misery. I tried searching the web to see if there were any churches that do a live streaming service so you can watch/attend it from home and I did find one, a morning service just about to start that was in a church somewhere in America – it was 9am there and 2pm here so I sang the hymns and listened to the readings and turned the laptop volume up full to try and prove to ‘them’ that I was genuinely sorry for not going to a church today.

But they just kept on getting more and more noisy and in the end I was searching the web for all sorts of things – prayers, how to apologise to God properly, more church services to watch, videos on youtube of bible readings, etc. Then I saw a prayer telephone service and started searching for more of them. I could find a couple in America and one in Australia but nothing in the UK. So I phoned the one in America (no idea how much that’s going to cost me as I’ve not got any international call allowance) but anyway a man answered who introduced himself as Jeff and he asked how he could help me today. I was trying to speak slowly and clearly so he could understand my accent but I was getting close to hysterical with all the voices bouncing around my head telling me what I should beg forgiveness for. Jeff said he could hear I was upset and told me it was OK, to take my time, to allow myself to calm down. If only!

Anyway it all came tumbling out about how I’d failed this morning and broken my promise after God being so good to me and answering my prayers for me. I told him I didn’t know yet which faith/religion I wanted to follow but I was definitely a believer that there is ‘a’ God. He said that was OK, that some people who phone them to pray together don’t even believe in God at all, they just want someone to pray for them at a time of crisis. I went on to tell Jeff a little bit about my mental health problems and how all I really wanted in my life was a sense of happiness. If not happiness then contentment would do just fine. I told him what I was hearing inside my head about how God would never forgive me especially not for going out and getting drunk and then missing church. In my head ‘they’ were hissing at me that I was despicable, telling me I should be ashamed of myself for repaying God in this way after he had helped me so much recently. But Jeff told me that was not true, that God would love me and protect me even if I make mistakes along the way. Because life doesn’t come with an instruction manual and we all make mistakes and through those mistakes we learn from them. He just told me to do the best I could in whatever situation I found myself in and so long as I did that then God would be there to protect me.

In the end I was on the phone for about 30 minutes to him and at the end he said a long prayer for me which he made very personal and I began to cry as he spoke. He asked God to watch over me and give me strength, he asked God to watch over my little boy who is up there in Heaven, he asked God to help me find the strength to recover my mental health and to help give me a brighter future. And despite Jeff saying to me that it didn’t matter if I missed Church so long as I prayed at home he could obviously sense how much ‘they’ were tormenting me for not going, so he added in a line about that in the prayer as well.

It’s now around 4pm and I feel a little calmer again. They seem happy with me that I phoned across the world to have someone pray with me and that I have prayed a lot myself today and that I watched the bible reading videos and ‘attended’ the online church service. So I am being rewarded with some peace and quiet at the moment although my hangover seems to be getting worse as the day goes on. Now I remember why I avoid nights out these days. Although it was nice to go out and have a change of scenery it really wasn’t worth feeling this ill for!

I’m going to my parents house for a Sunday roast dinner in an hour so hopefully that will help me to feel less sick and a bit brighter. I don’t know whether to take the dogs with me or not. They love going to see my parents and probably enjoy the change of environment for a couple of hours, but they are going to be in for a shock as they won’t be getting their own little Sunday roast dinner any more, not now that Charlie dog is on specialist food and for the moment that means strictly no human food! Plus they won’t be able to get their usual treat of a few little dog biscuits because it’s not fair to give to one of them and not the other. They probably think I’m being so mean to them at the moment by not giving them little bits of my food or any treats but getting Charlie dog back to good health is the important thing for now. So yeah, I don’t know whether to take them with me or just leave them here for a couple of hours then go for a nice walk when I get back. I think that might be the best thing to do, it also means Charlie won’t start jumping around with manic excitement.

Well, I guess I had better go and do some more of Charlie’s medicines. Then after I’ve been to the parents house for dinner I must get some studying done, I am still sitting about a full week behind and if I have not completely caught up by this time next week then I have no chance of passing this module as we start getting assessments then and know I wouldn’t be able to pass them. I only have one appointment this week but that’s not til Thursday so I should be able to get a good bit of studying done if I can just find my concentration again. I’m hoping that lovely social worker might get in touch and offer me an appointment sometime next week as even though crappy CPN has now left I’d still like someone to be able to touch base with once a week or something. Anyways, enough rambling from me… I hope you’re all having a happy/contented/peaceful weekend.


00:27 – Self Isolation in Full Swing

21 Nov

As the title suggests, I’m very much into self isolation mode now. I go out the house for the minimum time necessary and only when it’s dark. We have had really bad weather and floods so no one has really bothered to contact me to ask me if I want to do anything with them as I think everyone has just wanted to hide indoors, warm and dry.

I went to my parents house on Sunday night for dinner. Didn’t see the point in lying to them so just told the truth that I’d got myself a bit behind with my uni work and was trying to catch up, that I’d been feeling a bit low recently and had missed some appointments. After that I tried to change the subject onto my cousin’s upcoming wedding that my stupid agoraphobia is stopping me attending. The wedding is over 250 miles away so I knew there was no chance I would be attending it as soon as it was announced a few months ago. So I kept my parents informed but not to the point where they actually have any idea how bad things really are. At least they have seen me now, that was the first time since my birthday 3 weeks ago.

The new CPN left me another voicemail yesterday but I didn’t call her back. She said in the voicemail she was going to send me out one more appointment, I don’t know what happens if I don’t go to it… maybe she will give a fuck and ask why I’m not attending or maybe she won’t and will just see it as a quick excuse to discharge me from her caseload. Who knows… Who cares…

As I didn’t attend my last appointment with rape crisis I had a new one arranged for this afternoon at 3pm. But it got to 2pm and I looked out the window and felt sickly panicky at the thought of venturing outside so I send her a text saying sorry I couldn’t make it. She sent one back asking what day I want to rearrange for but I didn’t reply… I can’t stick to anything at the moment.

Tomorrow is going to test me a bit as it’s every Wednesday that I collect my week’s medication. I will probably wait until 5pm just before closing and run in at the last minute to get it. It’s pretty much dark by 5pm now anyway. So I’m expecting to receive a letter from the new CPN in tomorrow or Thursday’s post with another appointment that I don’t know if I’ll get to. I really just want to curl up in a ball and hide from everything and everyone.

I managed to do some studying today. I’m now half way through week 9’s work when I should be about half way through week 11. If I can get week 9 finished before the weekend, then week 10 done over the weekend then I will only be one week behind. But week 12 is the last week then we go off and write our final essays for submission the following week. So I’m going to need to get a grip of things and work my arse off if I have any hope of catching up.

You would think if I’m keeping myself locked up in the house and not answering the phone or the door that it would be easy to get loads of work done in a short space of time but it’s actually really hard. Because my mind is active 100% of the time, most of the time too active, going too fast, making me irritable I can’t catch up… I keep getting left behind…

Self harm thoughts still very very bad. Probably at the worst they have been in quite a long time. I am finding the suicidal thoughts quite soothing, that there is a way to run and hide from the world permanently but then they start to panic me that they are becoming so appealing in my head that I might just lose it and act upon them.

I wish I could just close my curtains and open them to find a few months have passed and somehow things have stabilised out a bit again. Then again, do I really want this as my life year after year? Or do I just want the world to stop spinning once and for all… let me jump off and then let it carry on spinning again whilst I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction, alone and uninterrupted by everything.

“Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced”….. (James Baldwin)

I just don’t know what I’m actually capable of facing…