Tag Archives: bad thoughts

19:57 – Just, why?

17 Dec

** Trigger warning for talk of self harm **

Today has not been a good day at all. It started off with a battle with royal mail as I have paid to have my mail redirected for 3 months to give me enough time to work my way through all the companies I have dealings with to change my address with them. For some reason when you enter my old postcode into any address checking system on a computer it lists the flats as flat 1 to flat 12. But that isn’t how they are labeled on the doors of the flats, instead it runs like flat 0/1, 0/2, 1/1, 1/2 etc. So even after taking ID into the post office last week to prove my address does exist and asking them to enter the address manually I still got a letter from royal mail this morning with the wrong address details. Argh! So I phone them and they say they can’t override it on the system nor can the guy’s supervisor. Frustrating? Very!

So in the end I went into my local sorting office and explained it all to them and they think they have sorted it out now but can’t promise I won’t miss the odd bit of mail here and there. . . Most annoying when I’ve paid for it to be done!

That was the point where I should have known it was going to be a bad day. I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before but a couple of months ago my parents agreed to take out a bank loan for me and bought me a new car. It’s not brand new or anything but I have to admit I do love it, even though it’s going to take me 3 years to pay off. I haven’t even driven it that much because I’m very aware these days of not getting behind the wheel if I know I’m not in a good frame of mind but it has helped a lot with getting to a couple of new places that the agoraphobia has previously prevented me to because I trust the car to keep me safe. So today around lunchtime I decided to head out early, I had an appointment with lovely support worker at 3 so I left around 2pm so that I could get her a xmas card and some bits from the shops. But then all of a sudden I seemed to go into this weird autopilot mode and found myself standing in a paint and decorating shop. My mouth was moving and sound was coming out, I heard myself asking for a pack of the strongest stanley knife blades they had. Then I went to the pharmacy and bought some bandages yet still really didn’t know why I was doing it.

I went back to the car park and sat thinking for a little while trying to make sense of my actions. The only conclusion that I could come to was that I needed them as a safety blanket, like even though I want this new house to have all these good memories in it and to be this blank canvas, now that all of the stress of having to hold it together over the past few weeks has gone I can finally let all my crazy mixed up emotions out. I sat and smoked a cigarette and tried to get my head together, felt calmer, drove along in the direction of my appointment then realised I’d forgotten to get something at the shops. I spotted a space and slowly reversed into it but there was a stupid metal bollard in my blind spot and I reversed right into it. Heard a bit of a thud and stopped immediately, got out the car and there was glass everywhere 😦 My whole back light unit where the brake light and reverse light and an indicator are were smashed to pieces and a deep scratch on the bumper. As everyone stood and stared at me I fought back the tears and drove to the garage, all the way believing that this was my punishment for buying the blades to self harm with.

At the garage I was told the damage was too bad for them to allow me to drive it and I had to leave it there. They are going to try and get it back to me by the end of the week. Now I don’t know whether to make an insurance claim and have my premiums go up or somehow find the money to pay it myself. For the parts and labour it’s going to be around £200 so I think I’m just going to pay it although it’s going to take a while to save that much up 😦 I could really have done without this especially so close to xmas even though I think it’s xmas I’m dreading so much.

The only good part of my day was seeing lovely support worker and getting a good long chat with her as I haven’t seen her in a while. I told her about buying the blades and said I knew I would act on the urges I just didn’t know when. She tried to talk to me about how bad I always feel in the aftermath of self harming but in the end just asked me to try and be careful when I do it. I don’t know when it will happen, maybe it’ll be tonight or maybe not til next week or even longer than that…

All I know is that the urges to do it and do it bad have been very strong over these past few weeks but I couldn’t let myself give in to them when I had so much else going on and now. . . well now it feels like all that has gone and I can finally give in to them. Part of me wants to go and run a hot bath and do it there, watch all of the water turn red before pulling the plug and seeing it all disappear. Part of me wants to leave them at the back of the drawer where I’ve hidden them and try to keep plodding on until things REALLY get too much. . . cos they will, I know that much. I sit here just now looking at the mess of my arms and legs from previous self harming, so many scars I can’t even count them. One part of my head says don’t add to the mess, the other part of my head tells me “do it and do it fucking bad like you deserve”.

So yeah. . .

Shit day? Yep.

Danger to myself? Possibly.

Will it go further than cutting? Who fucking knows. . .


01:10 – She is trusting me but can I trust myself

31 May

This week I have continued to hide from the world, I still haven’t phoned for another appointment with CPN#2 however I did go and see lovely GP on Wednesday. She was running late and I was in the waiting room for about 40 minutes until I was called through. For some reason the waiting room was making me really anxious and I wanted to get up and pace so badly but it was really busy so I had no choice but to sit where I was and try to distract myself playing games on my phone. Every time I thought I was feeling calmer again the anxiety would start back up leaving me squirming around uncomfortable and with hot flushes that kept coming and going. As soon as I heard my name I stood up and took a deep breath, reminded myself it was lovely GP and there was nothing to be anxious about.

I feel a bit bad because I feel as though I haven’t been completely honest with lovely GP. I had decided before I even made the appointment that I would go in and paint a smile on my face, tell her that I was feeling good and that everything was all going well, and ask if I could have a monthly prescription again. I have been on weekly dispense for a few years now but two months ago I asked if she would trust me with a month worth of all my tablets. She agreed to give me that chance and whilst I did self harm a few times in that month, I didn’t use any of my tablets to harm myself. I did however fuck about with my medication quite a lot, I also lost track constantly of what I had taken and what I still had to take meaning I regularly missed doses and my mood ended up all over the place. It wasn’t intentional and maybe it was because I was missing so many doses that I ended up back in the mindset of constant thoughts and urges to cut. Or maybe I’d have had those thoughts regardless, who knows.

Anyway.. I had to go back to see lovely GP when my monthly prescription ran out but she was on holiday that week and the other GP’s refused to prescribe me another monthly so I have been back on weekly dispense for the past month. I knew I would need to go back and see her if I had any chance of being put onto monthlies again and also appear like I was feeling well to be trusted again. So I painted on that fake smile and told her things were going good, she asked how the part-time university course that I study from home was going and was happy for me when I told her I’ve passed another module. She asked if I had thoughts of wanting to self harm and again I kept the smile on and told her I didn’t have any thoughts like that at the moment. So after a ten minute chat she said she was happy to give me another monthly prescription and officially changed my notes in case I need a prescription some time when she isn’t there to say “NO LONGER ON WEEKLY DISPENSE”.

So I should be happy right? I am, in a way. I don’t have any immediate plans or intentions of doing any harm to myself and I doubt very much I would use my medications if I did. I’d be far more likely to cut. But I just feel a bit bad for being dishonest, I made out like everything is good when that is far from the truth and I lied about bad thoughts not being present. Yet at the same time I know the anxieties I feel are probably also related to having so much medication back in my cupboard and this is all pretty unfamiliar to me so maybe it’s bound to carry some amount of anxiety. Maybe the bad thoughts that randomly pop into my head with no word of warning will all calm down a bit as I get used to this new situation. I don’t really want to talk about the bad thoughts tonight, they are all mixed up and will only spill out in a nonsensical ramble.

There were also two medical-type-things that I should have talked to lovely GP about but I was concentrating so hard on appearing happy(ish) that I couldn’t start talking about anything else. I told myself inside my head that I could go back another time if the medical thingy’s carried on annoying me. One of the things is that a self harm scar from a couple of months ago (which is still quite purple in colour but mostly healed) is incredibly painful. None of my other scars hurt at all, not in the slightest, in fact some of them are actually quite numb where I’ve probably done small amounts of nerve damage. But this particular scar is extremely sensitive to all sensations, it is like a burning feeling any time anything touches it. I don’t think that’s normal and I do want some advice from my GP but while I was in the appointment with her I kept thinking if I showed it to her and she saw the state my legs are in (absolutely covered in dark scars) then somehow she might start to think maybe I shouldn’t be trusted. So I just kept quiet about it for now. If it’s still bothering me in a few weeks time I’ll go back.

The other medical-thingy is that for the past couple of weeks I’ve been having pain in the back of my mouth, more in my right jaw right next to my ear. I had a temporary filling in my back tooth which fell out a couple of months ago and since then I haven’t been able to bite down properly. Like if I bite down with my back teeth my front teeth don’t meet properly. The pain isn’t intense, it’s more of a throbbing sensation that comes and goes, it gets worse when I’m eating, talking, yawning but it’s not too bad when my mouth is closed. I decided it might be an idea to go and get a dentist appointment to have them check if the pain is being caused by my teeth not being properly aligned. If they can’t find any mouth-type problems then I guess I have to go see lovely GP about that as well.

The dental surgery gave me a next-day appointment because I also keep having little dizzy moments that just last for a few seconds and they coincide with the pain so hopefully they will be able to do something to calm the pain down a bit, even if they put another temporary filling in it might just help my bite to be a bit better. I did do a doctor google search earlier and it suggested that dizzy spells accompanying pain in the area I’m feeling it could be a jaw problem as opposed to a tooth one and the dizziness comes from being so close to the ear which obviously plays a part in controlling balance. I hope it’s just a simple case of slight misalignment with my teeth so it can be sorted locally, I know if it’s something I have to be referred to one of the big scary hospitals for that I’ll never go and get it dealt with. I’m still dealing with a stomach problem that I’ve had on and off for about 8 years because I just couldn’t face the agoraphobic panic of going for a CT scan and sinogram.

Anyways it’s passed 1am now so I guess I better take my meds and go to bed. If I don’t write again beforehand then I hope you all have a lovely weekend (and hopefully a sunny one too!). Goodnight folks x

00:50 – Feeling seriously low tonight

20 Apr

I went to my appointment this afternoon with CPN#2 (maybe I should think of a better name for her – but there has been 3 cpn’s I’ve worked with over the past year and she was number 2 so cpn#2 seems like the best suited name for her). It was actually nice to see her again and I managed to tell her most of the things I wanted to including not finding having a CPN helpful, the frustration about the lack of consistent appointments through the CMHT and the frustration of people coming and going and coming and going and never being able to move forwards with anyone. She told me she is there on a temporary basis but will be there for a minimum of three months and that she would like to work with me on a weekly basis alongside psychology when it re-starts.

I basically brought her up to date with where I’m at with everything in my life at the moment and told her about the self harming and how much I’ve fucked up my uni course. I told her I’ve been feeling pretty unsupported again lately apart from lovely support worker at rape crisis. She did tell me that lovely social worker who I was supposed to be seeing until psychologist returns is actually off on long term sick leave – it would have been nice if someone from the CMHT had decided to tell me that rather than me just sitting here thinking I’d been forgotten about. I hope she gets better soon.

After my appointment I went along to the A&E department to have my wound checked and a dressing change, everything looks like it’s healing well and the stitches are nice and neat. I almost felt OK for a little while when I got home – maybe because it had been lovely and sunny all afternoon and maybe because I’d got some of my frustrations out… but yeah I felt OK for a little while but as the afternoon went into evening my mood has taken a serious dip. I’m sitting here with a clean blade and really badly want to do some damage to myself. I don’t want to go to A&E though, so this time I really do need to be in control of it and keep it reasonably superficial, but sometimes that really is easier said than done.

My head feels really fuzzy like I can’t think straight, I don’t know what I want, I’m irritable and restless, I took my medication about an hour ago and my thoughts seem to be getting worse and worse. Lots of images in my head of what I’d like to do to myself but genuinely fighting back simply because I’m too tired for one, and for two I *know* I won’t be able to keep the cutting under control. Yet I can’t put the blade away. I keep it sitting next to me and occasionally pick it up and do some scratches on my skin then put it back down again. I hate this, I hate this frame of mind when you so badly want to do something really bad… something worse than self harming but you don’t even know what’s making you feel that way. The voices are a constant source of negativity and keep the stream of negative thoughts flowing.

Head just feels a total mess. Need to take slightly more than normal amounts of medication to try and sedate myself. Really scared I’m going to do something stupid tonight if I can’t get myself off to sleep soon. This favourite quote of mine does a pretty good job of summing up how I feel right now…

The Girl Who Seemed Unbreakable, Broke

13:03 – New Year’s Day & All Alone Again

1 Jan

So here we are, a new year has started and I wish so much that my very first ramblings in 2013 could start off sounding – positive/happy/stable – any of them would do.

But the reality is that I went to bed around 1am and left the room completely dark apart from one little candle flickering away next to my bed. Outside there were still fireworks going off and lots of drunk (but happy) sounding people all shouting happy new year to one another. I reached into my bedside drawer and got out a photograph of my little angel and using the light from the candle I gently stroked my fingers over his little face, his hand, his little mouth and I couldn’t fight the tears… then was crying so much I couldn’t see the photo any more so held it tight against my heart and cried with so many emotions going around and around inside me.

I woke up just before 7am this morning and as I opened my eyes there was the photo just lying on the pillow next to me and I couldn’t fight it or control it, the emotions overtook me again and I before I’d even had the chance to wake up properly I was sobbing my heart out again. And with every tear that rolled down my cheek there would be a horrible thought that accompanied it, the overwhelming sensation of being completely alone, knowing I was entering another day with no one around me, where I’d probably not see anyone or speak to anyone all day. It would just be silence, other than the noise in my head. And usually this is good, being left alone is what I spend so much time trying to achieve, but I just felt this completely unbearable deep sadness when I woke up this morning that this is my life… a 31 year old woman, single, mentally unstable, still unable to grieve properly for my angel despite it approaching six years, still feeling completely trapped by my own mind.

It all started getting too much, the really bad thoughts were whirling around and they were starting to scare me. So I got up and immediately got dressed and took the dogs for an early morning walk. I didn’t see one other person outside. Then again it was only around 8.30am. I came back home and put the TV on (for background noise if nothing else) and now all I feel is lots and lots of anxiety. I never want to see people, I do everything I can to shut people out the majority of the time, I ignore phonecalls and text messages and anyone who comes to my door. I want to hide away and rot in my own mess but for some reason being alone with my thoughts is really quite scary at the moment.

So yeah, 2013 isn’t exactly starting on a very happy note, but I don’t want these horrible thoughts in my head telling me to do bad things to myself. I’m really not too sure how today is going to pan out, I guess it depends on how much effort I put into fighting back.

Sorry for yet another depressed and self pitying post, I hoped my first post of 2013 could be one where I was happy and full of new year’s resolutions, but I am very much struggling to see anything positive about the year ahead at the moment. However I do hope that this will change and that I won’t have a repeat of last January where things went downhill so quickly that I had overdosed within the first week and ended up in the psych hospital by the middle of the month.

For the time being, all I can do is concentrate on getting through today, minute by minute and hour by hour trying to keep myself safe (from myself) and not let the bad thoughts win. But that is so much easier said than done. They grind me down until I believe everything they say and when you are ground right down to nothing it is so very very hard to do any kind of ‘fighting back’. So I guess I just ‘ride with it’ and try to control things to the best of my ability.

Ah fuck, here come the tears again. Where the hell did they come from??

OK, I think it’s time to stop writing now.

Before I go I just want to say Happy New Year to you all, and thank you for all the words of support and encouragement you gave me throughout 2012… I wonder what 2013 has in store for us all…