As the title says, I’m so fucking angry with myself. I haven’t self harmed in over a month now and today I ended up in A&E. What triggered it? A mix of feeling absolutely useless with regards to my Aunt’s cancer and not being able to be there for her like the rest of my family are – and – stupidly sitting watching a documentary where a woman lost her little baby in almost the exact circumstances as I lost my little man. My Aunt had her surgery on Thursday and so far everything is looking well, the surgeon was pleased with everything and she spent a good 4 hours in theatre. Now we are all waiting until the results of all the biopsies and surgery, which will be next week sometime, to see if it has spread anywhere else and if not then she will get started on chemo. So actually there is no reason why I should still be feeling so useless because the worst bit (for the moment) is over.
And yet I still feel exactly that – useless.
Useless that I can’t be there with my family. Useless that I couldn’t give life to my son. Useless that I have no fucking eggs and no fucking relationship and everyone around me seems to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat. I’m sick of lying to people and pretending I don’t want kids. I’m sick of my best friend’s other friend who has 9 yes NINE kids and all she does is moan about them. She is so lucky!
Argh everything is just getting to me at the moment.
So this afternoon I ended up in floods of tears and before I knew it I was raking through my kitchen drawer knowing I had one blade left in the box somewhere. It took me ages to find it and when I did I just did one angry deep slash which resulted in eight stitches and the usual “are you feeling suicidal?” speech from the doctor. I phoned my best friend and asked her to come with me to the hospital because I think if I had gone by myself I would probably have ended up crying hysterically again, begging someone to make my head stop thinking so much, and probably ended up being admitted for my own safety. But instead my friend came and she spoke to them for me and told them I had been doing really well recently and she was sure it was just a slip up and that I hadn’t intended to do so much damage to myself. Which is true, I didn’t mean to cut so deeply, it genuinely was just one cut, just a very deep one because I’d done it in anger. And the more the doctor quizzed me on suicidal thoughts etc the more angry I got at myself for doing it. As I saw the mess being sewn up I felt so angry for creating another scar. I should have been stronger and stopped myself somehow.
Anyway I suppose it is done now and there isn’t much I can do about it. I have to go back on Monday for a dressing change and then next Saturday to have the stitches taken out. The doctor gave me a few Lorazepam in case I find myself agitated again to the point where I might hurt myself so I have just 4 of them, enough to take the edge off things if my head starts going crazy.
My friend doesn’t want me sitting in the house by myself tonight but she and her friend with the 9 kids are going out on the town drinking. She has persuaded me to go out with them but I have to admit I’m not sure if alcohol is such a wise move when my head is feeling like this. I don’t have any blades left – I always throw them in the bin after I’ve used them once. I do however have a cupboard full of medication. Maybe I’ll go out and actually have a nice time and be able to have a laugh but I doubt it. I can see me saying I’ve had enough around midnight and coming home.
I’m so fucking angry that I did that to myself again, and the aggressive manner that I did it in. But the nurse who came in to dress the wound after the doctor had stitched it said just to think of today as one bad day and tomorrow a fresh start again. I really hope she is right.