Tag Archives: addictions nurse

21:31 – Housing forms away and a trip to a&e that wasn’t for me for once

8 May

I had a fairly quiet weekend, I still haven’t been up to my parents house to give my dad his birthday present and it was his birthday on the 1st of May 😦 I feel really bad about it, I keep promising I’ll go up and then I don’t. In fact the only movement I did from Friday to Monday was taking my best friend’s three year old to A&E yesterday, it turns out he has a kidney infection bless him. He kept saying he was cold and his back and tummy hurt then the doctor found a trace of blood in his urine sample so he is on antibiotics now, hopefully he will be feeling better and back to his mischievous little self soon. I sat in the waiting room with her one year old on my knee and the nurse who was on duty has patched me up a number of times, she kept smiling at me as I was playing with the little one and commented that ‘he suited me’ and how I ‘looked happy’. I am happy around the kids, they are so innocent, so stressful, but so loving.

Today I realised I had double booked myself for both my social worker and addictions nurse at 3pm. I tried to see the addictions nurse a bit earlier but she was fully booked so I swapped it to Thursday and went to see my social worker so I could pick up the supporting letter for my housing transfer application. So I went and collected that, we went back through all the forms and then I took it to the housing department.

The woman there explained to me that for every 4 houses that become available one will go to the homeless department for the council to use, one will go to some other part of the homeless, one will go to a new applicant and one will go on the transfer list. So now they will review my forms and write back to me in the next couple of weeks with how many points I’ve been awarded. For now it’s a case of hoping I’m awarded enough points that I will be placed somewhere near the top of the list so I’m not waiting for years and years. So basically one in every four houses that become available go to the next person at the top of the transfer list. I don’t think houses become available that often and I have selected 1-2 bed house only so I think I will be waiting quite some time even if I am lucky enough to be awarded a decent amount of points.

I have my first session with the new CPN on my own tomorrow. I have still only met her the once before when my social worker sat in with us, then she was on holiday for a week or something so that’s us just meeting again tomorrow. I’m a bit apprehensive about whether or not I’ll get on with her, but the support worker is going to meet me at 12:40 outside my flat and we’ll walk along to the CMHT like the last time.

I also decided to sell my phone the other day. It’s a really good phone I’ve got, a Samsung Galaxy SII and they cost about £450 to buy on payg. But there is something wrong with the battery, it’s not holding a charge properly despite me deleting a shit load of applications. I figure it’s only going to get worse and when I was packing everything up for the workmen coming in a couple of months ago I remember throwing the box out – along with the warranty. So I decided to sell it through one of the recycle websites for £215 and I bought myself another phone for £100 leaving me £100 to pay back to my parents. I am due an upgrade in about six months anyway so I’m quite happy to downgrade for a while! This way I get rid of my phone whilst it’s still mostly working and can pay my parents back and get a new phone so it seemed the best solution.

Other than that not much else has been going on, I am still just existing in the living room of my flat, sleeping here, awake here, always in the same room. My bedroom remains full of boxes unpacked. I only ever go in my bedroom to dry my hair and get clothes – then I shut the door on it again.

I still need to go and see my GP as well. I’m going to try my best to get something sorted tomorrow. I need my Quetiapine increasing again and my GP doesn’t work on a Thursday so it’s got to be tomorrow or Friday, then we’re back to the weekend again. I don’t mind increasing the dose so long as it doesn’t take Lucifer away, I told the psychiatrist this last week, I like Lucifer and I don’t  want to lose him.

There was one other thing I was going to mention but I don’t know what to make of it yet so I’ll just sit quiet for now and if it’s still worth mentioning in a few days then I guess I’ll write about it!


05:55 – So much for knocking me out

18 Apr

The good news: the mix of medication finally kicked in and I got to sleep about 1am. The bad news: I have been up for the past hour playing stupid games on facebook and it’s only 5.50am just now. So I got about 3 hours sleep after a ridiculous amount of sleeping tablets. Blah.

The voices woke me this morning, I was grabbing onto something in my dream and my fingers were losing their grip. Then I realised I was waking. Then that it was Satan laughing at me. He has friends, I am not the only one, but he has only recently started talking to them as well. But like he treats them nice compared to how he treats me. Perhaps they have completed all their initiation tasks.

As it’s almost 6am and I am wide awake I think I will take the dogs a walk and then phone my GP surgery when they open at 8.30am. I need to get more medication and I was just going to hand in the form requesting a repeat prescription so I didn’t have to see her, but, I need my Quetiapine increased badly so I will have to go.

Addictions nurse woman is coming at 2pm – I’m not 100% sure of why I’m actually seeing her. Relapse prevention work apparently, but knowing she is an ex-psych nurse means we spend more time talking about me being safe (mentally) rather than at risk of substance misuse. I know she isn’t the right person to help me though, it’s not her job to help with mental health stuff. The CMHT should have at least sent me a letter by now offering me an appointment with my new CPN. But they haven’t, because my name is probably away down at the bottom of some list for the forgotten about people.

I’d like to go and try to knock myself out for another couple of hours, I’m still pretty tired, but I am crap at waking up to alarms and have no prescribed/proper medication left. So I will go and see what exciting shit is on the TV at this time of the morning.

21:53 – So today went something like this…

17 Apr


I woke up and seemed to be in a pretty irritable mood. Everything was annoying me and making me restless. I took my morning medication then took the dogs a walk. By 11am my head was off in crazy land, repetitive commands and remarks from Satan, just driving me mad. So I took 10mg of Diazepam to see if that would help. It didn’t.

By 1pm I was sitting here with all equipment necessary to self harm. I needed to get the ‘crisis’ feeling out of me. One hard sharp scratch and that would be it (I made this agreement with myself beforehand). I actually cut twice but one really was just a scratch. By 2pm I am still feeling crazy but have bandaged up my arm. Then I remembered the addictions nurse was coming at 2pm and I started to feel slightly better as I’d have someone to spill all my shit out to. It got to 2.30pm and she still wasn’t here so I phoned her. It is tomorrow she is coming[!]

She said I sounded down and asked if everything was OK. I told her I’d cut myself earlier but it was nothing deep or to worry about. Then she starts saying that if I don’t go and get medical attention to it then she will phone an ambulance because I didn’t seem to know what I was going to do next. I told her that a trip to A&E would just be wasting their time and I could deal with the wound at home. She still didn’t seem happy with this and so I finally agreed I would phone my mum and get her to take me to A&E.

Well I didn’t bother to phone my Mum because I knew it was fairly superficial and I’d just be patched up and sent on my way. It was one of the nice nurses who was on, a male one, he always helps lighten the mood. So I apologised to him but told him I hadn’t wanted an ambulance phoned over it. He was nice to me and chatted a bit. He looked at the wound and said it was actually pretty deep but he’d do his best to close it with glue and steri-strips then bandage it tight. His method seems to have worked 🙂

So just as I go to leave and say thank you he asks me if I could go back to the waiting room as he wanted me to chat to the doctor. I asked him if it was so he could do his “am I going to off myself” type of questions. He confirmed this was the case. I couldn’t be fucked with being asked if I was going to cut again tonight, if I was feeling suicidal, if I was a danger to myself. So instead of walking back to the waiting room I just left the hospital and came home. The second I walked in the door I took another 10mg Diazepam, that was 3 or 4 hours ago.

But nothing calmed down.

I acquired some Zopiclone from someone and took 2 x 7.5mg tablets around 7pm. By 8pm I was getting more crazy and less calm so I took 20mg Diazepam and 15mg Zopiclone. Just before I started writing this, about 9.30pm I was feeling a teensy bit calmer but the urges to self harm started up again. I battled with those thoughts for half an hour before completely giving up, going back to my little stash and taking the same as at 8pm.

So if my maths is correct, over the course of the day I have now taken: 60mg of Diazepam and 45mg of Zopiclone. I just want to knock myself out, not die. I just want today to be over. But no medication seems to want to help me dose off and the thoughts of cutting myself to shreds only seem to be getting louder. I just need it all to switch off for now. I still have a fair few pills stashed away but will try and give it a good hour before taking anything else. Clearly nothing wants to get rid of Satan and he fucking loves it, he knows I will go to crazy lengths to satisfy him.

p.s. It has now been 12 days since my CPA meeting and as I suspected all the plans and ideas on how to help me/see me/support me, were all just words on a piece of paper. I’ve heard from no one but the addictions nurse.

14:02 – Another little mistake?

11 Apr

At some point over the last week or so, whilst my head has been firmly in cloud cuckoo land, it would seem I ordered tablets online. I know this because said tablets arrived in the post this morning. My order came from Japan this time, it was always India whenever I ordered any in the past. So I looked inside the package to find 3 boxes each containing 30 tablets with names I have never heard of before. After a considerable amount of time spent googling, I now know what they are, why I ordered them and that they appear to be ‘real’ tablets.

So now I have 90 of the little bastards and I am just sitting here looking at them, not to sure what to make of them. Do I want to try out 1 or 2 of them and see how they feel or do I want to neck the lot of them? I’m really not too sure where my head is at if I’m honest.

However… it is best friend’s birthday today and my charger has stopped working for my mobile phone and at the exact same time my house phone battery has decided it’s fucked as well. I’m not so bothered about that one, I’ve had my little pink house phone for over 6 years, it’s lasted well! So today I must go to the shops, buy a house phone and a mobile charger, buy best friend a birthday present, pick up my weekly prescription, pop into the tattoo place and see if the guy has a spare hour to do me a devil design down the back of my neck [branding initiation satan task] go and see best friend and spend some time with her and finally get home some time tonight.

Who knows what the night has in store…Where will my head be at by tonight…[?!]

Oh and in other news, I saw the addictions nurse yesterday, she came to my house to save me the anxiety of going out. I told her I had been out on Saturday night and made a big mistake when I was drunk – I text my [ex]-dealer. He told me to go round to his house but I was so drunk I could barely walk and I do remember leaving the pub then as if I was going to his house but I ended up coming straight home and falling asleep. So she was a little bit concerned that if I’m drunk or a bit ‘out of it’ on whatever then my triggers are still being triggered. I told her that when I realised what I had done the next day I immediately deleted his number from my phone. I did delete it before but he ended up texting me one night and I still had the message :/ Anyway… I didn’t take any drugs and his number is gone again… maybe I should get a new number as well but it’s so easy to bump into him in the street. I just need my willpower to keep me strong!

As for these little bastard pills, well I’m not sure what’s going to happen to them yet. They are no doubt another mistake, but it is from mistakes that we live and learn…

18:44 – It’s over (and I survived it!)

5 Apr

I went to the CPA meeting. At the meeting there was:

  • Me
  • My Mum
  • CPN guy from last week
  • Addictions nurse
  • Social Worker
  • A&E Senior Charge Nurse (bitchy one from Tuesday)
  • Psychiatrist via video link

Whilst people were arriving I heard my social worker ask my Mum how she was doing. I mentioned a while back that my Mum was being made redundant from the company she has worked for, for about 16 years. Then the company decided she could work from home on a part time basis until April and it would be reviewed again. This morning she found out that her redundancy was definitely going ahead and that’s it all final now. She finishes up in a couple of weeks. I just sat there and stared at the floor, I had no idea and I suddenly felt incredibly guilty that she had just lost her job that morning and was still there, by my side, at this bloody meeting about me being mental. That I still needed my Mum there for me when she is going through her own shit but is still more concerned about me. In the car on the way home she told me she wasn’t going to tell me until after the meeting because ‘she should be worrying about me and I shouldn’t worry about her’. Fucking hell, I’m such a bloody burden. I don’t deserve her worrying about me! Argh!

So for the first fifteen or twenty minutes of the meeting I barely said a word. I couldn’t really concentrate on what was being said because my head kept thinking about my poor Mum and how rubbish she must be feeling knowing she has to say good bye to all her colleagues of so many years. And my Mum was damn good at her job. I felt angry and sad for her. The voices were making everything sound a bit mumbled as well. My leg kept shaking and I felt sick with anxiety.

The CPN guy then started to go through the minutes from the last meeting then I pushed my bit of paper in front of him where I’d written that I felt totally unsupported at the moment. This is because I have not met my new CPN yet and had been told to use the duty system in a crisis as my social worker was no longer part of my care team. So I found my voice and said that I didn’t want my social worker out my care team because she is the only person (other than the psychiatrist) who has been there consistently. I told them I find all these staff changes stressful and uncomfortable, like I just start getting to know someone and then they leave for one reason or another. I also said I find the duty system hard because I find it hard having to explain why I feel the way I do over and over again to different people. So it was agreed that my social worker would remain part of my care team with appointments on a monthly basis (which is what I asked for) so I’m glad that for now I’m going to be able to keep the only therapeutic relationship I’ve got. Who knows, maybe once I get to know my new CPN and if I work well with her then maybe I will be OK just with CPN support.

We talked a little about how much I’ve been struggling lately, I apologised for not attending my appointments in the past month and explained it was mostly due to anxiety. So the CPN guy said he would speak to the support worker boss guy and ask if I could get a little bit of help with getting to appointments when they are at the CMHT. That brought up the subject of paying to see a support worker now, which the psychiatrist commented was “ridiculous” interestingly. So I will wait and see if they are going to let me get support from a support worker until my new CPN starts. My social worker also said she would come in for my first meeting with my new CPN so that should make it slightly less anxiety fuelled.

Hmm what else did they talk about?… The addictions nurse said that although she hadn’t seen me for a while she had no concerns of me using heroin again and was sure it really was just a two week mistake so that was good. The A&E nurse took a copy of my crisis plan and we mentioned the self harming over the past couple of weeks. I told my Mum about it in the car on the way there so she wasn’t shocked. The A&E nurse didn’t say much, just that she thought it would be helpful for them to have a copy of my crisis plan and she said thank you to me as she was leaving for ‘being so honest’ about the stuff in my head. She still remains the bitchy nurse though compared to the rest of the A&E staff!

I told them about the voices and about Satan controlling me. I asked for an increase in Quetiapine which the psychiatrist agreed to so I can put my dose up  by 50mg a fortnight and hopefully the voices will start to subside again in a while. I only hope I can last that time without doing something crazy if they start to command me!

So the meeting came to an end. We went through the keypoints which were something like:

  • Medication to be increased
  • Monthly appointments with social worker
  • Start seeing new CPN
  • Stick to crisis plan
  • Resume sessions with addictions nurse to do relapse prevention work
  • Appointment with addictions nurse on Tuesday 2pm
  • Sometimes I might need help to get to appointments
  • Possible support worker until new CPN starts
  • See psychiatrist in May
  • Another CPA meeting on July 5th at 4pm

I can’t believe I just remembered all of that. I must have been listening to more than I thought! Which is really strange because when I was in there it was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, some parts seemed blurred, some parts I’d suddenly notice Mum’s hand on mine and her whispering to see if I was OK. With the anxiety there were a couple of times I did that thing where you are like holding your breath without realising it then suddenly you exhale and it seems really loud, the CPN guy picked up on that and checked I was OK.

I guess all in all I’m glad I went. It was horribly anxious and yet at the same time it was productive. I just hope all the things we talked about actually happen and don’t just end up as words on a couple of sheets of paper somewhere. Things are still pretty fucking rocky and I’d really like to be able to try this approach out before things hit the next crisis point, I’d like to avoid there being another crisis point, but Satan is the one in control and all I can do is walk quietly alongside and try to steer things in the right direction.

14:43 – So freaking scared

5 Apr

I have my CPA meeting in just over an hour. My Mum is picking me up in an hour. I am still not dressed and am so fucking scared about going. The anxiety is ridiculously bad at the moment, my stomach is churning, I feel sick, my palms are sweating, I’m roasting hot and my heart seems to be beating super fast. I have taken my morning Citalopram and Quetiapine, I have also taken 20mg Diazepam but so far nothing is bringing the panic down. I really really do not want to go to it.

As far as I know the only people going are myself, the social worker, the community addictions nurse, the psychiatrist and my Mum. I think someone from a&e has also been invited but have no idea if anyone will come. I hate speaking about the voices in front of so many people, my Mum still doesn’t even know about getting my legs stitched up or me writing stuff about Satan all over me with a knife. What the fuck is she/they going to think when she hears it all?

I’m completely bricking myself here, all the excuses as to why I can’t go are zooming around my head, I want to just let them all go do it without me but I know I need to be there. I know there’s no getting out of it, no matter how bad the anxiety feels I have to face this.

I spoke to the addictions nurse on the phone yesterday afternoon just to touch base with her before this meeting and to apologise for not attending any appointments in the past month. I told her my head has been crazy; she used to be a psych nurse before she starting working for the addictions team. She encouraged me to turn up today and suggested I wrote down the key things I wanted to get sorted out but my head is totally blank.

So far all the sheet of paper says is ‘I can’t handle appointments’

I really don’t know if I’m going to make it there today.