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18:13 – Seen GP and completed almost all of my little list!

21 Sep

Well I went to see GP, she was in one of her lovely moods which is always nice. She asked how things had gone with Mr Psychiatrist and CPN this week. I told her the meeting with Mr Psychiatrist was completely unproductive and everything he said about me ‘game playing’ by not telling the full truth to everyone and even she pulled a face and said “MCBL, I pick and choose how much information to tell my friends and family about things in my life, everyone does, you certainly aren’t game playing at all, I have no idea why he said that” so that made me feel a bit better that both she and CPN think he’s talking a lot of nonsense.

I asked her to look at the wound on my leg – and sorry this is totally gross – but when she took the dressing off it was covered in horrible pus at one end, gaping open, smelt disgusting and she said it was well and truly infected. This is the first time in 17 years of self harming I have ever got a proper bad infection in a wound and I don’t know how it’s happened because I’ve been having it checked, cleaned, clean dressings put on etc. So I’m now on antibiotics for the next week and she got the practice nurse to clean it and put another dressing on for me after I had finished my appointment with her.

I took the box of Soy Isoflavones with me and asked her what she thought about them. She said she didn’t think they would do me any harm but not to take them every day, to take the Provera which gives me a bleed then to take the Soy on days 3-7 of my period and then see if I get a period naturally after about a month. If I don’t then she has given me 3 months worth of Provera to take to bring on a period and then take the Soy. If I want to, on month 3 I can go and have bloods taken on day 21 of my cycle and they will show if I have ovulated by myself and if the Soy is doing anything to help. She said to give it 3 months, I told her about starting the gym and my plans to low carb again, she said low carb was OK but not no carb i.e. Atkins… and instead to try and follow a low GI diet as it would still be effective but healthier.

I mentioned the Melatonin and she told me that it could be an option if my sleeping continues to be crappy but that she would be hesitant to prescribe it as it has been known to cause delusions in people with mental health problems. Anyway, she said for just now I was on quite enough medication – my normal 3 meds – quetiapine, mirtazapine and diazepam – plus a week of antibiotics for the next week – plus the Provera for 10 days each month plus the Soy for 5 days each month!

So she said to have the wound checked again in 7 days either at a&e or by the practice nurse, to go back and see her in 2 weeks time to let her know how I’m getting on with the Mirtazapine and see if I want it increased or not. I explained all the staff changes and things at the mental health team and she said if I needed any support during it all to remember she is always there. That’s why I like her, she never makes me feel like I’m being a pest! She asked what was happening with regards to the staff changes and I told her I had one more appointment with CPN next week (and also told her that social worker is supposed to be at it and why I’d like her to be there and how awkward everything feels with her at the moment – GP said it was a shame things had turned out like this because when GP became my new GP 3 years ago social worker regularly came to appointments with me and GP said she had always seemed so supportive of my care)… anyway as I was saying… so I told her we have that appointment next week then I’m seeing a different social worker for a few weeks then I meet permanent new CPN and from there will probably just work with her.

So GP said everything sounded good, I seemed more positive than last week, she was happy I hadn’t bought any more pills to stockpile and hoped I could keep the self harm urges under control. The appointment went well, the only thing I got a little bit of a ticking off for was when GP commented that my psoriasis was looking a lot better and I admitted I’ve been using  the sunbeds for 2 minutes twice a week…oops… but it is working and I’m being very careful to stick to only 2 minutes at a time, the last thing I want is skin cancer and being fair skinned I burn really easily as well so she said just be very careful but she would much rather I got proper UV light treatment through the dermatologist at big scary hospital.

After my appointment I went to the gym and handed in my referral letter, unfortunately there was no receptionist there and the only member of staff around was foreign so she didn’t really understand what I was talking about when I told her about the free gym membership through your GP, so I left the letter with her and wrote my phone number on it and she said she would get someone to phone me on Monday.

I then collected my antibiotics and decided I couldn’t be bothered with the supermarket today so just grabbed a tub of that cold pasta stuff (and a chocolate bar – my bad) while I was in the garage topping up my electricity.

The dogs got a short walk but it’s still early and still dry so I have time to take them a big one later and I still have a bit of uni work to do but other than that I have managed to do almost everything on my list for today. Oh and my new shower is ace! It was so so nice and warm and feels so good to be nice and clean again!

I’m not sure what to do with myself tonight besides walk the dogs. Watch the soaps from 7-9pm then there isn’t much on after that, Friday nights and Sunday nights are always pretty boring. I’ve actually got quite a sore head and could do with just having a little lie down for an hour… I think I may do that…

Have a nice night everyone 🙂


14:47 – Off to the GP shortly

21 Sep

I have my appointment with lovely GP in 45 minutes. It’s already nearly 3pm and I am not dressed, one of the workmen guys came to my door this morning but I didn’t hear him because I WAS SLEEPING! A bloody miracle! He just put a note through the door to say not to use my shower before 2pm as it needed 24 hours to dry out properly and it was around 2pm he finished with it yesterday… Anyway… I actually slept from around 11.30pm/midnight through until 8.30am – a full 8 hours sleep! I don’t know if it was because I was so completely shattered that my body finally just gave up, exhausted, and let me sleep or if it was the Mirtazapine that helped. It was slightly broken sleep, I do remember being awake around 3am and putting something on iPlayer to watch and then falling back asleep half way through it.

I was looking into Melatonin a bit more this morning and have read it can actually have some quite bad side effects so have decided I won’t ask GP about it just yet, maybe the Mirtazapine increase is going to help me sleep after all. I guess time will tell and I’ll see how I am over the weekend. Slightly worried that I only slept out of total exhaustion and will end up not being able to sleep again all weekend but if that happens I will just have to find a way to deal with it.

My Soya Isoflavones that I ordered arrived this morning. I bought them to try and help with my PCOS and menstrual problems but upon reading the information leaflet they say they are also helpful for a variety of other things and mood swings and irritability were one of them so maybe these little vitamins will help me out a bit. I suppose I better tell GP I am taking them, it’s important they know exactly what I am and am not taking. She will probably try and talk me out of taking them because doctors are all about the bloody medical model and this is something “alternative” but unless she can offer me an anti-estrogen medication and not just something to make me bleed then I am going to give them a shot.

I’m also going to ask her to check my wound on my leg and ask her if it’s healed enough to go and take my form to the gym to get signed up there. I really need to start taking more exercise so longer walks with the dogs and 1 or 2 sessions at the gym each week combined with eating a bit healthier should all help. I want to try low-carbing again, it was what helped me lose a tonne of weight around 6 years ago but it’s so so hard to stick to, especially in the first few weeks when you have to be very disciplined with yourself. But although a lot of people say it’s unhealthy, it is very effective when you have PCOS and insulin issues. I was planning to go and do my weekly food shop today but I know there is no chance of me sticking to low carb eating over the weekend so I will let myself have the weekend of eating what I want then do my food shopping on Monday and only buy low carb foods in.

I will write up a weeks worth of low carb recipes over the weekend so my meals are all planned out for every day next week. I have to do something about my weight, it is not healthy and I don’t feel healthy, it’s affecting my self confidence a lot and I’m 31 next month, I need to start taking better care of my body if I ever want to try to conceive again in the future. Also it was around this age that my Dad and Aunt both started developing high blood pressure problems (and they were both normal weights) so I need to try and reduce the risks of things like that happening to me as well.

It’s all so easy to talk about but putting it into practice is going to be so bloody hard! But I’ve done it once before… I can do it again right?!

OK I need a plan for today:

  • Go and have a shower in new shower 🙂
  • Get dressed, put gym letter in bag
  • Go see GP – ask her to check my leg and tell her I’m starting the Soya tablets
  • Go and hand in my gym letter and see if they can give me an induction date
  • Come back and get dogs and walk down onto the seafront promenade and just walk and walk until I feel as though I’ve done some proper exercise!
  • Go to supermarket and buy food for weekend
  • Read last bit of my textbook chapter for this week’s uni work

That should be enough to keep me busy for a while. I don’t know how honest to be with GP about the self harm thoughts and how strong they still are. I don’t want fucking psychiatrist saying I am game playing again by picking and choosing who I tell information to but equally I don’t want to cause GP any concern on a Friday when she knows support is extremely limited over the weekend. I guess I just have to be honest with her and say yes the thoughts are there, the urges are bad, I don’t know if I’ll act on them but can only hope that I will be able to resist.

I shall probably write another post of ramblings later tonight with how the day went. I guess I better go and get ready now – new shower – yay 🙂


22:16 – Seeing Mr Psychiatrist and CPN

20 Sep

I went to my appointments yesterday, one in the morning with Mr Psychiatrist and one at lunch time with CPN.

Let’s start with the one with Mr Psychiatrist. I went in having barely slept, feeling very low, told him about the self harming last week (which he already knew about from GP) and about handing all the stockpiled tablets over. I told him that deep down I know I don’t want to die so am managing not to act on the suicidal thoughts even when I think it would be the best option for everyone. But that I was very much struggling with the self harming, I can’t seem to stop myself. I’m constantly making scratches trying to get the urges out without doing it really badly again. But I feel the next “bad” cut isn’t going to be far away even though I am genuinely battling against it.

Mr Psychiatrist said that last time he saw me I was in a more positive frame of mind and looking forward to my uni course starting. He said the only thing that had happened between then and now was the sexual assault, therefore all these feelings must be related to it. I said yes some of them are, it has certainly triggered a lot of bad feelings, but I’m not sitting thinking about it 24/7 – I just feel so fucking low all the time, thoughts racing around my head again about having bad blood and needing to release some of it. I told him I thought I was bad, that I felt like I had the devil in me, not in a psychotic sense, I don’t mean I think the devil is living inside me, not like when I truly believed Satan had taken over me…nothing like that… I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. He said that what I had to do was recognise the events that had taken place i.e. the assault (and for some reason he brought my little man up to which I angrily responded what did he have to do with anything??) and that I must work through the feelings these events have stirred up inside me with the relevant person/people.

He said I only felt like I was bad because bad things had happened to me. I told him this was not true, it wouldn’t matter if they had happened or not, I know I am bad, there is just this complete badness about me, inside me, controlling me. Again he said I needed to talk it out with the right person. I was just getting annoyed and frustrated with him, I was overtired and pretty much spent the whole appointment staring at the floor. I changed the subject and asked for my mirtazapine to be increased so I’m on 30mg a day now. He said I can increase it to 45mg after a couple of weeks if I’m still not feeling any benefit from it and if I continue to feel no benefit from it at 45mg we would need to try something else.

Then he came out with something which really pissed me off. I told him that I felt really paranoid about telling people I had self harmed and that paranoia was now worse because GP said last Friday if I didn’t hand the tablets over then she would be “looking at putting me in a place of safety”. He said to me what did I expect? Of course she couldn’t leave me with that amount of tablets in my house when I was in an unstable frame of mind. Then he said the thing that pissed me off…. “I don’t say this often MCBL, but, in a sense you are game playing”… I was like wtf?? What are you talking about?? He said he was saying that because I am saying that I don’t know if I should tell people when I self harm any more and yet I had told everyone who ‘mattered’ I guess. I tried to explain it wasn’t like that. GP only knew because a&e sent her the notes, CPN only knew because I was running late for my appointment with her when I was in a&e the day I did the self harming and had to tell her why I was going to be late. Anyway, CPN has already written to a&e and requested they send her the notes of every attendance I make there. So I tried to say to him I didn’t go off saying to everyone oh I’ve cut myself pretty bad, they all found out in their own ways. He said it’s like I am saying “OK it’s safe to tell person a, but I won’t tell person b because I’m not sure how they will react, and I will deny it if person c asks because I don’t want them knowing at all” and this is why he called it game playing because I wasn’t being straight up and honest with everyone, instead picking and choosing how much I tell to each person. Isn’t that a normal thing to do? We tell the people who we trust, we maybe don’t say so much to those we don’t?

By this point Mr Psychiatrist was really just doing my head in. He was telling me it was because of the assault I felt so low and I was game playing with whom I was telling information to. I told him I disagreed with all of that and he continued to talk over me and tell me I just needed to talk it all out with the right people who can help me feel better. By this point I had nothing else to say to him and just sat looking at the door, not responding to him, so he said “I take it you would like the session to end now?” and gave me an appointment for the 16th of October.

I had a very quick lunch with best friend and the kids then went to see CPN. I had totally forgotten that last time I saw her she said we would do a pretend interview for my upcoming interview to start voluntary work with the child befrienders charity. I totally forgot about it though so when I went in to see CPN she had set the room up like an interview with a desk between us and a glass of water each and a big notepad and she started talking to me interview style… At first I was like what the fuck is going on? (in my head) then I remembered and somehow blagged my way through the questions til she said I had done really well and asked me if I’d been preparing my answers and then I admitted I had totally forgotten about it… but she said that was kind of a good thing that I had forgotten about it yet still managed to express all the reasons why I wanted to become a volunteer with them and she said I interviewed really well, so hopefully when I have my proper interview on October 1st it will go just as smoothly!

I then told her all about appointment with Mr Psychiatrist and his shit about game playing and she was like ‘I totally disagree with him and don’t know why he is saying that and if you want I will phone him and tell him’ but I was like, no it’s OK, I was in a foul mood and don’t want to fall out with another member of my care team. Which then moved her onto the subject of the lack of contact for the past 5 months with social worker. Next Wednesday when I go to see CPN apparently social worker is going to be there as well so we can have a chance to talk and for me to get stuff off my chest and basically ask her where she has been for the last 5 months and why she hasn’t kept to the monthly contact agreement made at April’s CPA meeting. CPN says she will stay in the room in case it gets “heated” – I’m assuming she means in case *I* get heated, but I have no intention of doing that, I don’t want to argue or fall out with my social worker, I just want to ask her why she hasn’t kept her side of the agreement and hear what she has to say… that’s it really. I have a feeling that for some reason or another she won’t actually be there, something will come up, I just know it will. I think I may just have to accept that I’m never going to get an answer, but I really hope she does turn up, I want to be able to walk past her and say hello and not feel like she is avoiding me or that there is any kind of tension between us any longer, I want that all to go, I know things are never going to go back to the way they were but just to be friendly again is what I’d like to come out of next week’s meeting.

So I will wait and see what happens next Wednesday.

CPN has arranged for me to see another social worker on a weekly basis for 4 weeks whilst she leaves and does the handover to the new CPN that I will be working with. So it’s going to be a bit of a mix of new people over the coming weeks until this new CPN settles in and I start getting regular appointments with her. I really hope she is nice and easy to talk to.

Today I spent the day with best friend and the kids, we went out for the day, went for lunch and stuff. It rained all day long so was pretty miserable but was better than sitting around the house doing nothing I guess. The guys are finally finished with my bathroom and I now have a lovely new shower and shower cubicle fitted that I’m not allowed to use until tomorrow as stuff is still drying out, I can’t wait to try it out tomorrow!

I have an appointment to see lovely GP tomorrow for another catch up. I am going to ask her about taking Melatonin to help me with my sleeping as something I can take on a more long term basis. I asked Mr Psychiatrist and he said straight out it was not what he would consider to be a medication relevant to psychiatry and therefore he could only say he wouldn’t recommend it because I don’t know how it will react with the other drugs I am taking and to give the increased dose of Mirtazapine a chance as it often makes people sleepy but it didn’t do bugger all last night. I can buy melatonin from health shops or I believe you can also get it prescribed – I asked the pharmacist about it when I was picking up my prescription yesterday – she said it was definitely worth discussing with my GP and if I was to take it then it would be much better if I took it prescribed and monitored for any interactions. I don’t even know if it would do anything, but I have such a tolerance to benzodiazapines now that they really don’t do much to help at all.

Tomorrow I don’t need to set my alarm for the workmen coming in so I’m hoping that I might actually sleep through til a decent hour but it’s unlikely going by my recent sleep patterns. Don’t really know if I want to go and see lovely GP tomorrow, I don’t want to admit to her that the bad thoughts are still there and don’t want to say anything that might risk her feeling concerned about me and how I’d cope over the weekend again. Sort of considering cancelling it but she said she wanted to see me so I guess it’s best just to go.

And that big long ramble has pretty much been yesterday and today. It’s now 10.15pm and I think it’s time to take my meds and see if I can settle down for the night and with any luck get some sleep tonight.

18:55 – Hand over the pills or you’re going to the psych hospital

14 Sep

I had an appointment with lovely GP this afternoon. She already had the notes from a&e on her screen when I went in about the self harming on Wednesday. A bit of the wound burst yesterday so she had a look at it for me and said it needed cleaned up and a new dressing on and popped next door to the nurse to see if she was free to do it. She was. So I got a quick change of dressing and back into see GP. She asked me if the Nitrazepam she gave me for last weekend helped me sleep and I told her that the first night I kept waking every hour or two feeling like something was wrong and the next couple of nights I did get some sleep but it was all broken up.

I then told her about seeing CPN on Wednesday and having it out with her about not following my crisis plan properly last Friday and how I felt she had just passed the buck to GP. I also had a moan about social worker not sticking to the monthly contact arrangement and told her I felt pretty unsupported at the moment and the only people who were being supportive were GP, rape crisis lady and the doctor at a&e.

She asked what made me self harm so bad on Wednesday and then all the fucking stupid truth had to come tumbling out my mouth. About how the suicidal thoughts were so intense but I knew I couldn’t act on them, about how I’ve been stockpiling painkillers and knew I had around 70g of paracetamol all popped out into a tub ready for the lid just to be lifted and them all to be thrown down my throat. I told her I’d like some Nitrazepam again for this weekend but at the same time I knew I cannot keep on medicating my symptoms and one day I’m just going to have to face up to them somehow.

Then she said to me that if I was telling her I had 70g of paracetamol sitting in my house she was extremely concerned about me getting through the weekend. She asked what support I had and I told her my parents go away on Sunday for a week and on the one hand I have the thought that they are away so it’s the perfect time to take all the pills but something deep down keeps saying no no NO you are NOT putting your parents through all that again. You are NOT ruining their holiday. Don’t be so bloody cruel and selfish. So instead I go back to the self harm thoughts, at least they don’t hurt anyone but me because they only know if I tell them.

So lovely GP says she thinks I’m slipping backwards and I say I feel like I am as well. She asks me what can we do to keep me safe this weekend? I shrug my shoulders and say I don’t know any more, just take it hour by hour, day by day. Try and distract myself, try and sleep, try and read some of my uni stuff, maybe go and visit my parents tonight or tomorrow as it’s their anniversary and it would be good to see them before they go off on holiday. GP said this sounded like a good idea and that she would be happy to give me another 4 days worth of Nitrazepam for this weekend but she wanted me to do a trade with her. She knows my flat is only minutes from the surgery as she has been here the first time I got sectioned, she was the one who filled out the forms. So she said to me to come home, get all of the paracetamol I had stocked up and take them to her. If I handed over the 70g of paracetamol she would give me 8 x 5mg Nitrazepam (4 nights worth @ 10mg a night).

And then she mentioned the dreaded word.


If I didn’t hand over the pills not only would I not get the Nitrazepam to help me get some sleep but she would “realistically have to look at putting me somewhere safe”, she said we had to have a two way trust thing. I had to make her believe that I would not act upon any suicidal thoughts over the weekend and I would also try my hardest not to self harm again over the weekend. Instead I would try and spend time with friends and family and find things to do to keep my mind distracted. I would get rid of all the excess medication and in return she would let me stay at home and give me a few tablets to help me sleep.

At this point I am still saying that there is no way I am ever going back into the psych hospital and saying to her please don’t even mention hospitals but she said she had to be realistic and I was making her very concerned that I couldn’t keep myself safe. So I knew I had no choice but to come home and put every single tablet (besides my prescribed meds) into a bag and take them to her. Otherwise I was looking at a trip to the psych hospital and devastating my parents just as they are about to go off on a nice relaxing holiday.

So I did just that. I came home and put every tablet I had into a little bag. Then I took a box back out just so I had one. Then I took a second box back out so I had two. My head was saying she will never know the difference but something else in my head said I was only cheating myself. Then I started to cry because I just didn’t know what to do. In the end I put them all back in the bag and went back to the surgery. It was actually closed but she had stayed on for an extra half hour for me to go back. I handed the bag over to her and she had a look and could see there was around 140 x 500mg tablets like I’d said I had. She said I’d done the right thing and handed me a prescription for the Nitrazepam.

I have an appointment on Wednesday morning with Mr Psychiatrist and she said it might be an idea to ask for the Mirtazapine to be increased now as that will be about 4 weeks I’ll have been on it and I’m still just on the 15mg starter dose. She said she thinks it would be quite reasonable to go up to 30mg as I’m still so low in mood. I think the maximum you can take is 45mg. During the time I was gone (coming back home getting the tablets) she had a phonecall with Mr Psychiatrist – she said he phoned her regarding another patient and she decided to tell him about me while he was on the phone – but I always wonder when they say things like that if actually she just phoned him to tell him the situation. So when I got back she told me that Mr Psychiatrist was aware of the situation that I’d self harmed and had been stock piling paracetamol. So that will be a fun conversation on Wednesday. I’m now really scared he will mention hospital as well. The psych hospital they send you to here does not make you better (I don’t know if any psych hospitals do) but this one really doesn’t.

So it’s now almost 7pm Friday night. Somehow I have to make it to Monday morning. Lovely GP gave me another appointment to see her next Friday to let her know how I got on with Mr Psychiatrist and if there are to be any medication changes she will have had a letter from him by then.

I don’t know what I’m going to do all weekend. My Mum is off work tomorrow so I may spend some of the day with her. I don’t really want to tell her about the self harming as I don’t want her going away on holiday worried about me but at the same time I don’t want to keep it from her as I know it will get brought up at some meeting or another that she is at and she will find out anyway. So I guess if I mention it I have to say that I feel much better now that it’s out my system even if that is a complete lie.

I have the guys coming to put a new shower and shower cubicle in on Monday morning (at 8am grr) and they will be here til around Wednesday lunch time. That means I’ll have to go up to my parents house or out to best friend’s to have a shower for a couple of days. But it will be nice once it’s all done.

Argh. How the fuck am I going to get through this weekend? I’m tempted to go out and have some drinks tonight but I’m really not in the mood to socialise. Yet at the same time I know when I’m sitting here alone is when my head goes crazy. GP is trusting me to keep myself safe through the weekend, that if I even *feel* like hurting myself that I will go to a&e, and if I need support on Monday to call her and she will find time somewhere in the day to have a chat on the phone with me.

So I do feel a bit more supported now but equally I’m scared of my own thoughts. I’m really not sure how I feel about knowing all those tablets are gone, one part of me says I could go out and stock pile again over the weekend, another part of me feels slightly relieved that they are gone and that I can’t just decide fuck it I’ve had enough and reach for them.

It’s too early yet to take any meds, I still have the evening to get through, but I really hope the Nitrazepam work at least for tonight. I need to wake up feeling a bit more refreshed tomorrow and not let my mood get any lower or it will only be a matter of time before I’m taken back to that hell hole aka the psych hospital.