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17:55 – Just some random waffle

2 Dec

My Angel's Stone

The weather has been horrible today. I met up with my friend and the kids for a little while then went up to the little one’s stone. In this weather tinsel just isn’t going to stick around it grr. Anyway cos the rain was pissing it down the photo is a bit shit, hence why I have put arrows saying what each thing is. There is a little snowman ornament from my friend still to go on it and I’m going to get some little covered tealight candles to light it up a little bit.

I contemplated going to the pet shop and saying I’m really unhappy about the finches. I mean I paid £22.99 for the pair of finches then had to buy a cage so they did a deal with me for £50 for the finches and the cage they were already in (it’s in good condition but is second hand). So basically I gave them £50 for two weeks of listening to the little birdies chirp and now they’ve gone. I expected to get two or three years enjoyment listening to them, not two weeks – I don’t know if I should go in tomorrow and see if they will give me a replacement birdie, if not finches then a little budgie or something.

My friend would like me to go out to hers tonight but it’s so wet and dark and cold. I really don’t want to leave my sofa now I’m home! And it’s so cold in my flat, I don’t know why as the heating is on but I’m freezing and snuggled into a blanket. But it’s a Friday night and I feel very boring to stay in by myself so maybe I should just go out.

Ugh too many decisions.

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14:27 – The finches died :'(

2 Dec

As if I wasn’t feeling sad enough from my last post, I am now sitting crying my eyes out. I just went into the room to get something and thought ‘Jack and Victor are really quiet’ so I went over to check on them and there they were lying side by side both still and cold. They have died 😥

They had plenty of food and water, it got changed everyday. Only a couple of days ago they were out having their fly round my room. I don’t understand why this has happened. Why? Why do I keep causing all these bad things to happen to me? I only had them for a matter of weeks, did I neglect them somehow? I know I didn’t, I know I was looking after them, so why, why did they both die?

Yesterday I was decorating my baby boy’s grave stone for Xmas, today I’ll be burying the little finches. Back to just me and the dogs now.

RIP Jack and Victor, I’ll miss your little chirps.

RIP Jack and Victor

12:52 – Just a little catch up

22 Nov

I haven’t written anything in the past few days so thought I’d just pop by and say hello. That’s really about all I have to say for myself. I have a chest infection and am feeling pretty crappy, just want to laze around and see how long I can go between each delightful coughing attack. I started feeling quite run down over the weekend and I think this is it hitting it’s worst so hopefully I’ll be back to ‘normal’ in a few days.

The new finches Jack and Victor are settling in well. They’ve been out for a few flies around the bedroom and don’t try and peck me when I lift them up so all is good 🙂

I had an appointment with the psychologist yesterday and found it quite hard at times to concentrate as one voice was telling me over and over to look at her stomach and see what I don’t deserve (her pregnant stomach) so I would deliberately stare out the window or look her straight in the eye which just made the voice laugh and laugh at me – I told her they get louder than her sometimes as a way of excusing myself for all the times I probably appeared as though I wasn’t listening to a word she was saying. We are looking at mindfulness again and I have to practice taking 15 minutes out each day to do something in a mindful rather than mindless way.

I also went to the rape crisis place yesterday as due to my hospital admissions I hadn’t handed my application form back into them. Mine has gone a bit back to front, I got my ‘interview’ first and filled in the application form over the weekend there. So it looks like training is going to start around the last week in February, I’m not even allowing myself to panic about it, if I want it badly enough I know I will get there even if I’m kicking and screaming.

And that’s about all I have to say. I am popping down to the rape crisis today to hand in my disclosure form and as soon as that is back and they can see I’m not too much of a nutter on paper, then I can get involved with general admin duties until the support worker training starts. I’m still feeling really enthusiastic about getting involved with their organisation and can’t wait until I do my first real session with a client.

Now I have two doggies giving me the puppy dog eyes because they want their lunch time walk so I better be off. Think it will be another lazy day ahead I’m feeling pretty rotten and sleeping on and off in front of the tv seems to be the best cure!

Too many men in this house!!

18 Nov

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They are taking over. I’ve got my two male jack russell dogs having the posh life and sleeping on my bed but now I’ve got my two male finches now taking over as well.

They’re all ganging up on me :-/

There’s jack on my bed and victor looking most unamused at me catching him.

Oh yeah i met new cpn today J. I suppose she is ok but I’ve still not warmed to her and feel very wary of her for some reason, she makes me paranoid that she has some kind of alterior motive. I don’t trust her as far as i could throw her at one point while she was rambling about self responsiblity i swear her face turned to that of medusa’s with snakes darting out at every angle of me and hissing.

I spent the afternoon with my friend and her kids then came open and cracked open a bottle, tempted to invite some people round but im enjoying my own little lonesome buzz myself right now.