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4 Nov

36 hours so far no food fat disgusting things like me don’t deserve food


Nearly dead and back in the bin

4 Nov

Battery on phone almost empty made serious suicide attempt wed night blood pressure was 75 over 40 got load of meds pumped into me and they were about to ventilate me then my bp lifted a bit am now in looney bin now feel like such a failure

Oh what a bad girl I am ffs

5 Oct

Oh dear what a bad girl I have been. M the fucking poisonous staff nurse has been doing my head in for the past 2 hours. I politely asked earlier if I could speak with a doctor due to concerns with my medication – they have dropped my quetiapine/seroquel from 750mg to 250mg in 2 days and started me on this amisulpride. Common side effects listed on patient info sheet for new amisulpride drug: insomnia, anxiety, agitation. I’m fucking bouncing from wall to wall I’m that hyped up. So I politely ask for something to calm me down a bit and she says no she will not be phoning a doctor to ask them. I was extremely rude to her, I believe my exact words were “why did you want to be a psychiatric nurse cos you’re a fucking useless one” which, in all fairness, she is.

Another side effect mentioned is a skin rash and what do you know my arm is coming out in a rash.

M the bitch nurse keeps saying I knew what the medication change entailed but not once did anyone tell me I’d be fucking bouncing off the walls by day 2. Yes the quetiapine wasn’t working, yes I was still hearing voices on it, yes I’m still having all of the above right now. But she quite categorically said she would not have a doctor come to see me, that I am rude and confrontational (agreed) and I could wait to see my own doctor tomorrow or Friday when he is next in.

Surely I have the right to a decent night sleep and not be on something causing insomnia and such a huge and fast drop to my withdrawing medication. She is a complete fucking cow. Argh.

Because my brain is scrambled and because I am using my phone I can’t remember if I wrote about this already but the short version is that they thought I had absconded when I’d gone a woodland walk tryin to clear my head. I was out sitting in the pitch black woodland from about 8pm til 11.30ish, four police officers and two ward staff finally found me. End of story really.

Also I won’t be working with my psychologist any longer as she is 19 weeks pregnant and I can’t deal with that shit, talking about my loss and watching her bump grow. Everything is a head fuck.

I think my social worker has joined the gang of hating me, she barely sees me anymore, I’ve now got no psychologist, the majority of staff in this hospital are quite simply crap.

Oh fuck it. End of rant.

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Amisulpride anyone?

3 Oct

Had review today. He wants me reassessed cos he thinks I actually have schizo affective disorder. We are cutting my quetiapine down by 100mg a day and once down to 350mg going to change over to amisulpride. On phone as still in bin, hallucinations are awful, total paranoid mess, very emotional, told him I feel like I’m going mad, his reply was

that I’m not mad, I’m psychotic right now. Hardly any phone battery left, hoping to see parents tomoro. But back to my original question, have any of you taken amisulpride and can you tell me the pros and cons cos ive never evenheard of it. Thanks xx

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Suicide Fail

14 Sep

Can’t remember what I last wrote and as phone battery low its gonna be a quickie. Last night after being in floods of tears down the phone to my mum everything got too much. I remembered I hadn’t handed my hair straighteners back in so waited til I was in bed and used the wire as a ligature. As I began to lose consciousness (I guess) I fell to side of bed and shoulder hit the alarm button. Wire was so tight and wrapped so many times it had to be cut off..£150 straighteners gone, great. They took all my possessions away and ive been on constant 1 on 1 obs all day. Can’t even go for a pee alone. Feel like shit trying not to look shit so they’ll stop monitoring me 24/7 but bad thoughts in head and massive temptation to act on them. They think they took everything away but maybe they didn’t. Who knows?

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13 Dec

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12 Dec

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3 Dec

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1 Dec

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30 Nov

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