19:34 – Here comes a RANT

16 Nov

As the title says – here comes a rant…

So as most of you already know I don’t get on very well with CPN#2 but I have tried to attend some of my appointments with her mainly because I thought if I completely disengaged then I might end up being discharged from the community mental health team (CMHT). I have also tried to go to some of them so that it would bridge the gap whilst waiting to start seeing the psychologist again. I haven’t seen her since February 2012 when she went off on maternity leave. I did try to work with her at various points throughout 2010 but by the end of the year had become so unstable I was sectioned under the mental health act. When we got about half way through 2011 I tried to work with her again but was still in and out of the psych hospital so we never really got to do more than a few sessions here and there before I’d end up back in hospital again.

Towards the end of 2011 the psychologist came to see me during one of my many hospital admissions and told me that she was five months pregnant. The reason why I was ending up in hospital so much was because I was constantly making attempts at ending my life because all I wanted was to be in Heaven with my baby boy. So I sat that day and listened to her and then told her that I thought I would find it too hard to work with her whilst watching her bump grow bigger especially as she was due around the same time as my little boy’s anniversary. She completely understood and other than at one CPA meeting in February 2012 I had no more sessions with her.

So, the psychologist was due to return to work in February/March time of this year. In May I got a letter from her saying that I was on her waiting list and she would write to me again when she was able to restart psychology sessions with me. CPN#2 told me a month or so ago that I was very near the top of the list at last and should get an appointment to start seeing the psychologist again very soon. In a way a lot of things have been resting on these sessions starting back – new psychiatrist has run out of medications to try with me and wants me to consider ECT – but first he wants psychological input and to see if working on the Compassion Focused Therapy (Compassionate Mind and Mindfulness) would help to improve my mood and anxiety levels. Lovely GP is hanging on to see if psychology will help me. Lovely support worker has also done her best to keep me going and reminding me it won’t be long ’til I can do some proper psychological therapy again. And CPN#2 told me only a matter of weeks ago that she really thinks I’m in a better frame of mind now to do therapy.

(Note: CPN#2 also recently informed me that she thinks my persistently low moods were due to several factors but the one worth mentioning is that she deliberately said that she thought my infertility issues and so many people around me being pregnant/having babies was definitely worsening my mood)

So this morning I get up to discover a letter in the post from Clinical Psychology. It starts off to say “you are now at the top of the waiting list and I will be able to offer you sessions starting in January”… OK so a little longer than I’d expected but at last I had a start date! Then I carry on reading the letter… “I will only be able to offer you four sessions, two in January and two in February as I go on maternity leave in March 2014“.

Now here comes rant number 1.

Why… why the hell did CPN#2 not think to mention this to me whilst trying to keep me focused on staying stable “so I can work with the psychologist again”?? Why, when she herself sat and told me that she thinks having various people around me just now who are either pregnant or have small babies is having a negative impact on my mood because it keeps me thinking about my little boy all the time and about the fact that I have a variety of fertility issues of my own did she not tell me that the psychologist was pregnant again? Why let me find out on a fucking letter rather than just telling me? CPN#2 knows all to well that the reason I stopped seeing the psychologist was because in her last few months of pregnancy and with a big fucking bump it messed with my head too much and that’s why I stopped seeing her! So if psychologist is due in March then she is around a similar point in her pregnancy as my cousin who is also due in March and my cousin has just recently had her 20 week scan and has an obvious bump now. So it’s not like CPN#2 wouldn’t have known, I’m quite sure she has known for a couple of months yet has carried on telling me how important it is for me to stay stable so I can resume these psychology sessions. And also she knows fine well that my little one’s anniversary is in February so at this time of year as we go through the Winter months my head is always more messed up than usual. So she wants me to attend psychology for a whole four sessions with a huge pregnant bump staring back at me? Seriously… wtf!

The next part of the letter goes on to say: “I understand that working with me towards the end of my pregnancy may be difficult for you so if you would prefer not to have the four sessions I can offer you then you can wait until a new psychologist is appointed once I begin my maternity leave in March 2014”. Well at least she was decent enough to acknowledge and remember how hard it was for me to see her the last time she was pregnant but I have been waiting and to a certain degree hanging on for these psychology sessions since May so if I say to her that yes, I think I will find it too hard to work with her and want to wait and work with whatever new psychologist they appoint that means I’m going to have to wait until March. Maybe April by the time the new one gets his/her caseload sorted out. So that’s another four or five months to carry on waiting when I’ve already been waiting for a very long six months. Plus it means working with someone new and let’s face it I’m not particularly good at that. I’m just so frustrated that all I’ve heard for the past few months from CPN#2, from new psychiatrist, from lovely GP and lovely support worker is to “hang in there, the psychology might help, you’re nearly at the top of the list” and for what? I reach the top and am offered four sessions… even if she wasn’t pregnant what the hell do they think I’ll achieve in four sessions?!

Don’t get me wrong, I know I have no say over when anyone chooses to have a child and as well as being a psychologist she is just a normal woman living her life and creating her family. I have no issues with that. I am just so so pissed off that people clearly knew but didn’t tell me. I’m so pissed off that after all this waiting I finally get that letter to say I’m at the top of the list and then have to sit and battle with myself over what I should do now. Should I say yes and take the four sessions then move over to whoever takes over her post whilst she’s on maternity leave or should I wait a few months longer and spare myself the heartache of sitting watching this bump growing whilst at the very same time trying to deal with another painful anniversary? If I do go to see her will it mess with my head again? Will I start getting crazy thoughts like I did the last time? Would I be able to cope with it better now?

Rant number two…. I shouldn’t have to be asking myself all of these questions! Someone should have been decent enough to have said to me a month or two months ago – “you are getting close to the top of the list but the psychologist is actually pregnant again and will be going on maternity leave in March, would you prefer to stay on her list and have a few short sessions or wait until a new psychologist fills her post?” Why the fuck was it too hard for someone to just say that? Argh!

And sorry, but a bit more ranting… I had sort of decided that as CPN#2 is so fucking useless and close to impossible to work with, that when I did start seeing the psychologist again I would stop seeing CPN#2. I am getting nowhere with the woman and every session is structured in her way or no way. So now if I have to wait til March/April time to see whoever the new psychologist will be that means months and months of having to carry on seeing CPN#2 until then. And I can see where that will head. I will either make up excuses as to why I can’t attend appointments or just completely disengage with her. And all of this at the hardest time of year for me when I need support more than any other time of the year. I’m frustrated and angry that she got my hopes up that it was close to my psychology sessions resuming, that she sat and spoke to me about how it “might be best for me to just try and stay away from people who are pregnant or who have babies over these difficult months” and the whole time the fucking psychologist is pregnant!

I could go on and on. Maybe you will read this and think I need to “get over it” or maybe you’ll understand where I’m coming from. Maybe nobody really understands how hard it is to see pregnant ladies and babies unless you have lost one yourself. I know I can’t stop it from happening and I have no choice to see it from afar, but I don’t need it up close and in my face, I need to distance myself a bit from it, especially around the weeks leading up to little one’s anniversary… as we’ve seen in the past it can stress me out that much I can end up in full psychosis or full of delusions about my baby needing me so I must end my life to be with him. It can lead to me trying to take my own life so that I can be wherever he is. So yeah, you could say that it can have a pretty significant impact on me, my life and my mental health.

I just wish someone had told me and prepared me a little bit. Now I don’t know what the hell to do for the best. I don’t want to end up suicidal to the point of trying to make active attempts to end my life… I don’t want to end up with delusions… I don’t want to end up in the bin… why did they have to make something so hard that could have been dealt with so easily by just casually mentioning it to me a couple of months ago when I wasn’t ‘at the top of the list’ so I could have prepared myself for waiting a bit longer to see the new psychologist. Why keep me going, keep telling me I’m nearly at the top, just hang on a little bit longer and then hit me with it in a letter. Part of me thinks CPN#2 did it deliberately because I know she knows I don’t like her and she’d probably be quite happy to see me properly messed up again.

Maybe I should just get back in touch with new psychiatrist and say fuck it, let’s do this ECT shit… it can’t be any worse than how I feel when I leave my appointments with CPN#2… it certainly can’t be any less productive as the sessions with her are so unproductive already. Maybe zapping my brain is what I need to stop me reacting so strongly when I do have to be around babies and pregnant people or maybe six years on I’m still in so much pain and still grieving so badly that nothing at all will help other than hanging onto the thought that if it all gets too much I can just go and end it all and get to be with my little angel again… at least I do know that option will always be there…

OK, I think I’ve vented enough now so…

/End of rant.

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7 Responses to “19:34 – Here comes a RANT”

  1. Amy November 16, 2013 at 19:56 #

    Oh man, I’m so sorry you are having to go through this 😦 Seriously, did they not think?? And if anyone does have the audacity to tell you to ‘get over it’ I will happily send a sharp slap their way. If these things were just a case of ‘getting over it’ there would be no such thing as a mental health problem. It’s totally up to you of course but it might be worth waiting for another psychologist and I really hope it won’t be a much longer wait. Seeing the pregnant bump will probably be quite triggering from what you’re saying and it doesn’t matter how amazing she is otherwise, it won’t help.

    • mycrazybipolarlife November 16, 2013 at 23:01 #

      Thanks, I’m glad someone can see where I’m coming from. After thinking about it for most of the day I think I have decided the best move would be to wait and see the new psychologist whenever he/she takes over. You’re right, I think seeing her pregnant bump would be very triggering for me especially as I know I will already be feeling pretty fragile around January and February. So even though it means delaying psychological therapy that could maybe help me feel a bit better I think that’s just what I’m going to have to do. I will try and be brave enough to phone the psychologist and explain, failing that I’ll write a letter. But I think the next time I see cpn#2 I’m going to be feeling pretty angry towards her and it will take a lot to bite my tongue and not ask her straight out why the hell she didn’t tell me, why she got my hopes up, etc etc when she knows how easily affected I am by things like this and knows that’s why I stopped working with the psychologist the last time round. I really need a change of cpn I think… if I don’t feel as though I’ve got much support over the next few months I’m kinda scared about where I’ll end up as right now I’m not feeling too mentally great at all xx

  2. Carrie (@EscapingEntropy) November 18, 2013 at 06:21 #

    I’m so sorry about this; I have no clue why they didn’t tell you but maybe it could be put down to lack of communication between different professionals? I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case.

    I really, really think you should wait for a new psychologist, despite the long wait you’ll have. Are there any charities that can offer you support between now and getting a new psychologist? I seem to recall you going to a charity for victims of rape and also a drug charity? Even if you don’t necessarily want to discuss these issues you could use them for support for a while?

    Take care xx

    • mycrazybipolarlife November 18, 2013 at 16:21 #

      Hey carrie, the woman I refer to as ‘lovely support worker’ is the one I still see through the rape crisis charity and she really is great. It’s just annoying that I am supposed to be working on the issues surrounding the sexual abuse and the assault when I got spiked but can’t because she’s always having to deal with my mental health stuff which obviously isn’t her job or area of expertise. But I think you’re right about waiting to see the new psychologist whenever he or she starts cos seeing the current one probably would be a bit of a head fuck. I’m going to write a letter to the psychologist and just explain I think I’d find it too difficult to work with her. I see cpn#2 on friday and will be asking her why she kept going on and on about how near to the top of the list for psychology I was but failed to mention the whole pregnancy thing grr. Ah well I guess I just keep on waiting xx

  3. Bankalt November 21, 2013 at 15:25 #

    I don’t at all think that you should ‘just get over it’. I’d call it a major head fuck too. And very disappointing and frustrating. I wonder if CPN#2 didn’t know about the psychologist’s pregnancy. If she’s only about 20 weeks then she might not have told work about it until now and even if she had it might not be general knowledge yet. Seriously shitty either way though.
    It sounds to me like a change in CPN would help you a lot. I live in Scotland too and I know it’s possible to change but don’t know how to do it only that they do accept that sometimes there just can’t be a working relationship formed and the patient needs someone else. It’s a pretty personal thing whether you can get on with a CPN’s approach and surely it’s not that uncommon for people to need to try again with a different one. I changed psychiatrist years ago though it was through my university who just seemed to make it happen without any fuss at all. I hope you would have the same experience of no fuss but maybe even a bit of awkwardness would be worth it in the short term.
    I have a support worker from a SAMH Outreach service. I see her three times a week and it’s really useful keeping the worst of my manic depression at bay. These ones are for general mental health and housing and are a free service but you can also get support workers via a social work assessment (get that by being referred by your CPN or psychiatrist). Perhaps that might be a way to get some more support independent of the CPNs/psychiatrists.
    Take care of yourself and I hope things improve for you soon.

  4. Dallas December 6, 2013 at 11:17 #

    What you describe in these posts is the closest I have ever felt “like” someone – like someone truly knows how hard it is to not be able to breathe all day; not like an anxiety attack for ten minutes or even an hour… It’s waking up with a racing heartbeat…someone asks what’s wrong or what is on my mind- and it actually overwhelms me to think about how up explain that it’s nothing and everything all t once …. That making a phone call gives me a heart attack, that I can’t hear a dog bark or baby cry without feeling like its right in my ear at max volume.
    All day this feeling that is 100 times worse than the flu or bronchitis – but no one can see or hear how sick I am.
    But I feel like my silence is screaming “help me!!” – “I can’t move at all – not now and not in life …I’m scared of everything …”
    Someone jumps from a wall to scare me and have some fun with me, and I scream murder even at a cubicle at work because I am wound up so tight that friendly jokes are what could push me into cardiac arrest, I cry when someone scares me even just “boo” if they get me in a weak moment I just react so over the top that no one gets it and they feel like an asshole just for playing with me or attempting to make me smile

    I read your posts and I nod and smile through them all…. Anxiety , moods, mania, depression , grief (my boyfriend was murdered when I was 17, and the little boy I was a nanny for died t age 7 two years later)….I feel sick from anxiety and I get stressed out about EVERYTHING!!! Things that people do not think twice about – they work me up until I keep putting them off for days and weeks – I create chaos or emergencies when I knew the deadline was near and I was top scared and overwhelmed to do it. It used to be I hated the phone, if it could be done online than I would do it in a second …. If it had a call tied to it, I missed doctors appts and couldn’t call that I was on my way and just late, or need to switch appt times or refill a med – that’s a huge one!! I’ll go without MEDS due to the call needed to get them.
    Who the fuck does that??!?!?! And all day think how if I had a Kolanapin I would breathe easy, or an adderall would make me focus all the energy …and zyprexa takes this awful headache away that I live with every single day…tension migraines / cluster headaches they say… And it would put me to sleep and help ensure me not to have a racing heart in the morning….
    Yeah those MEDS … I just skip getting them and say I can’t afford them to anyone that asks – it’s the only way people understand why I’m not medicated so often is that I’m homeless … Jobless ….broke and just sort of surviving life as best I can.
    If I don want to kill myself and I go a day without thinking about what is after this life and will all the suffering be somehow worth it? Or am I making my moms life harder than it should be. Am I a burden when my brother is sicker than me according to books, but he is calm and cool and ok talking to himself – but it’s me crying and shallow breathing and gonna pass out all day, to the point where I have to smoke pot and calm down into sleep….
    No one WANTS that on their life. Always reassuring someone that it’s going to be ok – having to walk around not smiling or laughing because ur kid is “sick” always …. Life must be so disappointing to people that love me…..

    Ok it’s 6am im done

    • mycrazybipolarlife December 9, 2013 at 00:14 #

      You have been through so much… I hope it helped to get it all written down, I’m sorry that you are also going through all of this crap with the severe anxiety and moods all over the place. Please feel free to comment, rant or anything else on here whenever you want to or drop me an email if you need someone to talk to. Take care x

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