01:04 – Going out with a bang

6 Nov

Tonight I wanted to go to a fireworks display but I couldn’t because I had nobody who could watch the dogs for me and one of my dogs is utterly terrified of them. He spent the whole evening wedged down behind me on the sofa underneath a duvet while I tried to keep him relaxed by tickling his tummy and stroking his ears… and occasionally giving him a little doggy biscuit. I kept the TV up loud to try and muffle the noise of them a bit but it didn’t really work. Thankfully they have all now stopped and he is no longer shaking and back to his normal self.

So, as I watched the fireworks from the window all I could think was… When I die I want to be cremated… I also want some of my ashes to be buried in with my little boy… But I’d like a handful of them to be put inside a firework and blasted up into the sky… burst into a huge display of colours… and go out with a proper bang. The sky lit up by me (literally) for a few seconds before plunging into darkness again. That’s the way to go… definitely.

Tonight I also self harmed. Nothing serious, treated it at home. But what was odd about it was I was having a conversation with a friend on facebook at the time telling her about some exciting news I had for this coming weekend… chatting away as if I was happy and excited and the whole time I was cutting my flesh apart.

Surely there has to be something fucked up about that.

 

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One Response to “01:04 – Going out with a bang”

  1. Ang November 9, 2013 at 16:20 #

    Yikes! I hope you can stop hurting yourself soon. It’s heartbreaking.

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