19:21 – Sinking lower and lower

4 Nov

My mood is continuing to get lower and lower and much as I utterly detest my local psych hospital, I find myself feeling really frightened that the bin is the direction that I’m heading in. Life is becoming more than just a struggle, it’s currently at the point of absolutely everything feeling impossible.

The winter seems to be starting early – by 5pm it is already dark outside – and like every year when it gets like this I find myself only taking the dogs out once when it’s daylight (their lunch time walk) and the other times I walk them (breakfast, dinner and bedtime) are all in the dark. I feel more comfortable to be outside when people can’t see me properly, when I can hide myself under my thick jacket and big furry hood.

Why? Because the dark feels safer for some reason. My thoughts are starting to become really paranoid again. I don’t like people being able to see me or look at me properly, it sets my head off thinking all sorts of crazy stuff.

The depression is definitely in full swing and I feel as though I’m sinking lower and lower with every day that passes. And it shouldn’t be this way – I have good/happy things going on in my life at the moment (or at least that’s how they should feel). But the smiles I put on are so fake I’m sure everyone can tell. I just can’t seem to feel happy. I got my essay results from the essay I had to do a few weeks ago and passed with 65%. That’s a good grade B. Was I happy? No not really. Just relieved I didn’t need to resit. My parents took me for a lovely birthday lunch last Monday… again fake smiles throughout which I felt awful about.

The only person I’ve been somewhat honest with was the psychiatrist and support worker on Wednesday. That’s been the only time I’ve said the words out loud – I’m self harming again and I keep getting these waves of feeling like I just do not want to be here any more that come over me out of the blue and are so strong they drag me under them.

I have a couple of things happening this coming week that I should be happy about but instead I am miserable. I’m hell bent on hurting myself yet doing my hardest to just cling on a little bit longer… maybe when I get my first appointment with the psychologist through it will help me feel more positive. Who knows. The self destruct button feels like it’s getting closer and closer to being pressed.

I guess I’ve just got to keep going… but in what direction I just do not know.

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5 Responses to “19:21 – Sinking lower and lower”

  1. Iona Nerissa November 4, 2013 at 20:55 #

    I don’t like to tell fellow Bipolars what to do because I hate it when others tell me what to do. However, sweetie you need to get into hospital, especially if it will be a while before you get to see the doc and if you are having any suicidal ideas. Hang in there as best you can, but please go if it gets any worse.

  2. Kelly November 5, 2013 at 06:06 #

    The only thing I can think of to say is you are not alone in this. That thought has been hard for me to believe for the longest time. My therapist has me working with horses and I tell everything to the horse and they respond accordingly. My first time going my main thought was I can’t do this, I will never make it through and be better (at this time I did not know what exactly was wrong, Self harm was a strong suit) but the horse stepped on my foot pleading and reassuring me that I could. I strongly recommend horses they get you grounded and focused. In return helps you make clear decisions and sets your mind on track to overcoming those overwhelming thoughts.
    I never thought a blog was right for me until I couldn’t take the feeling of no one understands me. So to read your blog today and know that someone else feels the same and if I can give any words of encouragement it is this: you are not alone and one day someday it will get better, just hold on.. Stay grounded.

    • Ang November 9, 2013 at 16:29 #

      I grew up with horses and spending time with their gentle souls really helped me through. They are amazing and therapeutic animals. If you have access at a local stable I would highly encourage it.

  3. Cat November 5, 2013 at 13:06 #

    I’m feeling very similar at the moment. I hope you feel a bit better soon

  4. Ang November 9, 2013 at 16:27 #

    Everything with bipolar is just a phase. Try to remember that and just hold on. Going in to the hospital is not terrible. It is structured and the rules are annoying but I try to think of it as a vacation from my stresses. I’ve been hospitalized twice but I’ve found it somewhat helpful. Maybe you just need a break. In my opinion you should try anything you can to help you stop cutting. What if you slip up and realize in your last moments that you really do want to live?! I know that is dark and the worst case scenario but don’t risk it please! People care for you. Don’t forget.

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