13:06 – A bit of bad… and a bit of good…

6 Oct

The text messages carried on last night but I ignored every single one of them and didn’t reply once. So that was pretty much all day Friday and most of Saturday night consumed with frustration and wanting to scream FUCK OFF to the pair of idiots that kept sending me all those messages. Despite not replying or acknowledging the texts last night, they still made me feel crap though. Really crap in fact. Although, I have now worked out that I can add numbers to a “spam” list on my phone and then block them completely which is a good start; the problem, like I said on my post last night, is where I live. It’s a very small town where everyone knows everyone and you just cannot manage to avoid people for very long. I’m scared that by ignoring their texts they might not just think it’s pointless texting me and give up… I’m scared they (or at least one of them) appears at my door. I don’t want trouble. I haven’t done anything to deserve any trouble. But it doesn’t take much for me to go into freak-out-self-hibernation mode and this is very much pushing me in that direction.

What I don’t understand is why the guy couldn’t have just deleted his text thread from me off his phone. I specifically asked him to. It literally takes five seconds to hold down a button, select all messages, and hit delete. That way had his girlfriend gone reading through his phone there would have been no messages from me and I could have avoided being part of their ridiculous nonsense. But for whatever reason he didn’t delete them and I know he didn’t because she quoted back to me so many things I’d said in my messages.

What I also don’t understand is why he let her get access to his phone for a second time. He was the one that kept texting me and telling me to ignore everything she said, encouraging me to engage in conversation with him, asking/begging/pleading for me to “give him something to help him” despite me saying I HAVE NOTHING.

I asked his girlfriend to please personally delete my number from his phone and all his texts to me as well so that he couldn’t contact me. After a load of threats she seemed to calm down when I asked that and replied saying she would delete everything she could find. So on Friday night I wrote my post on here about the whole saga and heard nothing more. Then last night I was just about to take the dogs for their bedtime walk when my phone beeped again. It was from him not her and all it said was “what has that bitch L (his gf) being saying about me?”

Again, I didn’t reply and completely ignored it.

But what really annoys me is the fact I have asked/told them both separately to delete my number from his phone, to delete my text thread… texts these days aren’t the way they were in older phones where you have to go into each one individually… they all merge together like one long chat… so all you need to do is highlight that thread and delete it. His gf wants someone to blame, I have worked that much out, and she probably knows deep down he is still using heroin but to blame it on something like Diazepam probably makes it easier in her head to deal with. But I have had times several years ago where I’ve taken upwards of 100mg of Diazepam at one time and not been in the kind of state she describes him as being in. I’d simply pass out and sleep a good 12 hours taking that much!

I want an end to all of this. I want to not have to be scared to walk out my front door or go to the shops. My agoraphobia already causes me enough panic doing those things without having this added anxiety on top. So there is a part of me that actually wants to phone his gf and ask if we can meet and talk calmly and explain everything to her in a rational manner. But she seems very hot-headed and I have a feeling she’d go running back to him telling him everything I’d told her then that would kick off another argument between me and him. And I would be more worried about that, because, when he is “off his face” on whatever substance he is extremely unpredictable.

So I think I have come to the conclusion that I’m going to block both their numbers from my phone for now and hope that calms things down. If she can see he is still “out his face” but there is no link to me then maybe she’ll start using her brain and realise he is getting stuff from someone else or maybe even make the realisation he is using heroin again. All I know is that I can’t be doing with other peoples problems and whatever problem those two are having in their relationship has sweet fuck all to do with me. In a way I hope I do bump into them in the street sooner rather than later and just have it out with them. I just want it all gone… why the hell have I been dragged into all this crap??

The thought of going to the police and reporting the threatening messages has also crossed my mind. But if they got his and her phones they would see I admitted to giving him a very small quantity of very low dose Diazepam about six months ago. This could cause problems if lovely GP found out but I could also explain the truth that I was pressurised into it. I’m sure they would be far more concerned with him ‘earning’ his money to fund his heroin habit by supplying half the town with cocaine and ecstasy every weekend than me giving someone one strip of low dose prescribed medication many months ago.

But for now I’m going to just wait and see what happens next. If I see them and they don’t approach me then all is good… If I see her and she approaches me I’ll just be honest with her… If I see him on his own and he approaches me I will massively have it out with him about what the fuck he thinks he is playing at allowing her to send me all the abuse that she has done.

So hopefully this will be the last post on that matter and all will settle down and be forgotten about. I lay in bed last night thinking why… why after 22 months does this guy even still have my number? The very first thing I did when I opened my eyes this morning was check my phone to see if there was any further communication from either of them but there wasn’t. I know what my options are if it continues but I’m just going to keep my fingers crossed that now that she has had her outburst that might be the end of it all!

So I did wake up in a bit of a super grumpy mood wanting to do all sorts of nasties to myself but do you know what?? Not only did I not act upon them… I also phoned a friend who is a hairdresser (she works from home) and asked if she could fit me in for a trim and some highlights over the next few days so I’m going tomorrow afternoon and going to actually do something NICE for myself for once! Pictures to follow… promise!

And whilst I’m on the topic of “good/nice things” yesterday I challenged my agoraphobia. I admit it took a LOT of anti-anxiety medication to get me there and I was constantly re-dosing every couple of hours but I MADE IT! Went to another small town but with quite a lot more shops and got three new jumpers/hoodies now that the cold winter is coming in (they were in the sale!) and I also made a spontaneous decision to have my nose pierced! I think it was partly all the meds floating around in my system and partly because this was the same place I got my bottom right-hand-side lip pierced at the beginning of summer… but yeah… I just seemed to walk right in with no hesitation and say “can you pierce my nose but with one of the really tiny diamonds please?” and before I knew it I was in the chair having it done!

The piercings I currently have are: bottom lip (right hand side)… tongue… ears and now nose. In the past I have also had my belly button (took it out when I fell pregnant) and also my bottom lip but in the centre. I’ve also had my nose done manyyy years ago when they still used the piercing gun but I took it out after a day cos it hurt so much! I have to admit though, this nose piercing yesterday (done properly with the needle) was the sorest piercing I’ve had yet! Plus I have four smaller tattoos and a full back tattoo so needles don’t really bother me! But yeah, the nose piercing was ouchy and made my eyes water loads! But I like it, I’m happy with it, so that’s all that matters. I try and keep my tattoos and piercings as discreet and small as possible, I think they look better that way but I guess that’s personal choice!

So dare I say it… besides all of the shit with the texts and calls and threats from the idiot addict and his partner, I’ve managed not to react angrily or aggressively or by self harming or any of that stuff. Instead I’ve blogged and moaned about them, got it out of my system, and decided to do something nice for myself to make me feel a bit better. I’ve challenged my agoraphobia, I’ve treated myself to three cheap but nice tops, I’ve had my nose pierced with a tiny diamond and I have a hair cut and colour tomorrow afternoon.

And for once, I’m going to leave it there and end on a positive note! Oh wouldn’t CPN#2 be proud of me for being a little bit ‘compassionate‘ towards myself!

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3 Responses to “13:06 – A bit of bad… and a bit of good…”

  1. savemefrombpd October 6, 2013 at 14:24 #

    You’re handling things well – so well done you! What an improvement – Stick with it.

    And so nice to treat yourself to some clothing and getting your nose pierced.

    I can’t afford much but after more torturous treatment by the nurse on my wounds this morning and me only being able to drink fluids because I’m feeling real depressed and can’t eat solid food, I bought myself a nice bottle of dates and banana juice – like pure shake. Real good.

    Hope those people will disappear from your life very soon! x

  2. I October 6, 2013 at 19:59 #

    Never mind CPN, you should be too…cause we are xx

  3. bluehero45 October 11, 2013 at 09:55 #

    It sucks when even such drama gets stuck in your head, weighing you down bit by bit.

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